Freeing Yourself From Myths About Male Sexuality

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Can women actually make the first move? Jerry Stocking takes a look at 3 sexual myths influencing our sexual relationships.

Whether you know it or not and whether you like or not, you are under the influence of hidden myths that restrict your sexual pleasure, and bringing attention to these will open a whole new world of sexual expression, sexual energy and ecstasy.

These hidden myths aren’t yours, they are cultural myths. They are imposed upon you by people you don’t know, by people you will never have sex with and by people who hold values and morality quite differently than yours.

Cultural influences aren’t avoidable. Every time you watch TV, go to the movies, read a book or newspaper or talk to anyone you receive doses of culture.

Cultural inhibitions are waiting in ambush, making sex more predictable, less personal and less fun. Sexuality is influenced about as much as anything else, by cultural inhibitions and beliefs, simply because most of us are not sexually comfortable, sexually happy, and sexually mature.

You may think that you are exempt from culture’s input, but that just makes you an easy mark. Or you may be paranoid about culture’s input, but that is simply a waste of time and energy.

If you are interested in reclaiming your sexuality, please read on as I reveal three common cultural sexual myths. Even if you are the most liberated cat on the block you still are still being influenced by these myths without even realizing. Let’s bring them into the light.

 Three Sexual Myths

 The three myths are:

Men want sex more than women do.

Men have to make the first move sexually or drive the sexual process.

And the oddest one of the three: Men think they just almost got laid.

Let’s explore, and debunk these three myths one at a time. And in the process, liberate you so that you can discover your own sexuality independent of culture’s bias.

I am not suggesting that these myths are true or untrue. I am saying that they are believed by enough people that they influence you and me. Culture uses these myths to generalize and impose mass thinking on all of us. Bringing the myths to your attention can free you from most of their influence, making you sexually independent and making your sexuality your own. Reclaiming your sexuality is a good thing in a culture where sex is more marketing and taboo than it is fun and fruitful.

Myth 1: Men Want Sex More than Women Do

Culture says that men think about sex all the time, and the stereotype played out on TV or in movies is that the guy wants sex all the time and the woman doesn’t. Along with this common myth comes the idea that the man is continually demanding sex and the woman is the reason sex doesn’t happen more often.

This is a sad myth which results in a lot of frustration. It also demands that men and women play the roles that are expected of them and never really feel their way into what they want personally.

While I can certainly identify with this myth, and while it seems to be true, let’s look more deeply at it. But let’s not look at its truth; let’s explore what the world might be like if its opposite were true. Imagine, for a few moments, that women want sex more than men do.

Not only is that true in my current relationship, but it is also the case at many moments in the act of having sex. Women, it seems, derive much deeper and more bountiful pleasure from sex than men do. They feel more, they express more and they open more fully. The complaint I hear most often from women in workshops isn’t that they don’t want to have sex, but that men aren’t sensitive to what women need.

Oddly, in our culture, men drive the sexual dance by being the one who has to ask the woman out, has to make the first sexual move and is the one who wants sex. This puts women on the defensive and it has men be in charge of sex. But they aren’t really the sexual driving force. Putting them in charge, given the nature of male orgasm and female sensuality, is a terrible mistake.

The myth of male availability and female reluctance has the less sexually able male lead the way, when the much more sexually open and pleasure enhancing female ought to be driving the game. Which leads us to myth number two.

Myth 2: Men Have to Make the First Move Sexually or Drive the Sexual Process

If you want to continually risk rejection, be frustrated, scared and seeking something you may not even want (sex), then be a man. You will quickly discover that it isn’t much fun.

Men are tired of having to approach women. Whether it is someone new in a coffee shop or a spouse of thirty years, the guy has to make the first move. Women aren’t allowed to propose sex, or even ask for a date.

Women who do those sorts of things are considered to be aggressive or worse. I am not suggesting that this never happens, but women making advances isn’t common.

 A friend of mine and I were walking down the street in London. Two rather attractive women approached us, speaking to us first and expressing interest in us.

Like us, you probably imagine that they were prostitutes, because women just don’t approach men very often. And even with couples married for a long time, the first step is often left up to the fella.

Myth one and two support each other. And if you consider either one of them as true then your sexuality and behavior will be dictated by cultural myths. You will be less free sexually than you might be.

I am not asking you to change your behavior, nor am I asking that women take the lead. What is needed is the discovery that the way things are is often based on cultural directives. Noticing how things are is the most powerful first step to them changing for the better. Shedding the light of attention on these myths reduces their influence and frees you to express yourself.

Myth 3: Men Think They Just Almost Got Laid

This myth is a bit more invisible than the first two. Even men who believe it often don’t notice it, mostly because they are so used to it.

Imagine this, guys: You walk into the library and there is an attractive woman behind the counter. You check out books or get a library card and you dare to “connect” with the librarian by chatting a bit about something other than books.

Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, in this scenario, the guy might think that he just almost had sex. He thinks that he not only could have her but that he almost did. That isn’t, of course, how the librarian probably views it. She is just doing her job.

But, if you, the spouse, are waiting in the car and he returns a little sheepish or bold it might be because he thinks he just almost got laid.

The result of guys thinking they almost got laid is a frustrated preoccupation with sex. When a guy almost gets laid, he thinks about sex. Thinking about sex isn’t the same as sex, it is just more thinking.

Notice, guys, how often you get laid and how often you think you almost got laid. The math of these two, if you will pardon the expression, is out of whack.

Guys, relax; notice your sexual energy. Stop directing it toward librarians, random women in the grocery store, life guards and women on TV. Really. Keeping and then flowing sexual energy within will have you be happier, healthier and more satisfied. It will also make it more likely that you can satisfy the women in your life.

♦◊♦

 More Myths

 

 Just discovering these myths is enough to free up your sexual energy.

 It will relieve sexual inhibitions and lighten you up. It will also have you discover a whole messy nest of other cultural imperatives and myths that aren’t true but are blocking you from free expression and the experience of sexuality.

Examining these myths with attention and with levity will allow you to regain your own sexual will power and energy.

There are lots of other cultural myths about sex. We are one frustrated culture and are continually minting new myths to contain sexual expression.

Other myths that are probably influencing your sexual expression include ideas such as these:

  • Orgasms are hard to come by, when they are actually difficult to avoid.
  • Ejaculation and orgasm need to come together for a man, when men can actually orgasm many times and even ejaculate a few too.
  • Sexual energy is located  only at specific places in your body, when it is, in fact, in every nook and cell and cranny of this sexy planet.

Please feel free to share the sexual myths you have discovered by commenting below. If you want me to address and undress more myths please let me know and I will be glad to do so.

Remember that cultural sexual myths aren’t true, but what they do to you is real. Focusing attention on them can set your sexual expression free and result in more and better sex.

Image Credit: je@n/Flickr 

Jerry Stocking  is a spirituality author who has been helping people eliminate fear, worry and stress from their lives. Doing so provides relief, presence, bliss and prosperity where there had been fear. Visit his blog, Lightening Up and Letting go at www.jerrystocking.com/blog and discover everything you need to jump head first out of fear and into the present.

 

 

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Comments

  1. FlyingKal says:

    Iben,
    Thank you.
    But.
    If sharing your feelings and vulnerability only lands you in loneliness and an “easy target” for rude behaviour, where is the strength in that?

    No, I’m not depressed. At least not in the clinical sense. Resigned, more likely.

    Yes, me being treated as invisible has happened in bars and discos, mostly. But also in a variety of other places, where I just wanted to ask for directions or other everyday things. But the venues for the treatment is not that important, the point is more how I’m treated differently than my (more successful/attractive/confident) friends at the same place and time.
    Example. Me and a couple of my friends are out at a club, sitting at a table having a couple of brews and talk. A girl comes up and want to dance. She asks my friends, one at a time, if they want to dance with her, but all of them turn her down because they don’t want to dance at the moment. So she leaves, without asking me, and only me. Sure, it was just a coincidence. She got discouraged by being turned down, and didn’t even bother to ask the last guy, the fourth or fifth in the group. But if this happens repeatedly, if you are the only guy being singled out to not even be asked. 10 times? 20 times? When does it stop being a coincidence…?

    I don’t know what you would call a “princess land”. I guess I’m probably much closer to you than you think.

    • FlyingKal says:

      Also, please try and remember that the above scenario is just a sample.
      Trying to deconstruct or debunk it will add nothing to the experience or this conversation.

    • “Much closer than you think”.
      Hmmmm!

      We are many resigned people Flyingkal. I am also resigned even if I never felt invisible.
      Life sucks at times but we have to enjoy it as best we can.

  2. Natalie says:

    Are we still saying that women never approach men, and hearing that men wish that women did? I don’t know, I live in New York – is life in the rest of the country that different? Women here constantly approach men. I used to as well, in a very calm, friendly and lightly flirtatious manner. And what I found is that it never went anywhere. I would open the door for conversation, ask a question, and get a basic response with no volley back. I’d have to be the one continuously asking questions to keep the conversation going, with no questions in return about me – always making it rather clear that they weren’t interested and not interested in finding out if they could be. There were also plenty of times that they’d answer the question, I’d be the one to keep the convo going and within a brief period of time they’d excuse themselves to find a friend or something.

    I’m sure this description must conjure quite an image of me, lol! As though I must be hideous in appearance or lacking some sort of social ability in conversation. I would have to argue, that it’s quite the opposite. Most of the times I was trying opening a conversation because a man had been looking at or making eye contact with me for quite some time, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was a bit shy or didn’t want to risk rejection. And my career is the kind that requires I be able to have meaningful conversations with people from all walks of life, so I am quite the conversationalist and am often told that I’m interesting to talk with. Absolute strangers have a habit of telling me their life stories.

    For a few years now, I have stopped initiating conversation with men I might be interested in. And I don’t see other women have much success with it either. My conclusion is that the reality is a guy will approach a woman if he’s interested enough, and if he doesn’t then it’s most likely not going to lead to anything – whether it’s because he’s just not in the mood to engage, isn’t that interested in finding a date or a mate, or whatever the reason. It’s become extraordinarily difficult to tell when a guy is just checking me out but may have a girlfriend, or is interested but really shy. I still make eye contact back, ensure to smile widely if there’s a natural happenstance – like almost bumping into eachother at the water fountain at the gym. But heck, I’m still single and neither friends, family or other can figure out why.

    • I’m sure this description must conjure quite an image of me, lol! As though I must be hideous in appearance or lacking some sort of social ability in conversation. I would have to argue, that it’s quite the opposite. Most of the times I was trying opening a conversation because a man had been looking at or making eye contact with me for quite some time, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was a bit shy or didn’t want to risk rejection. And my career is the kind that requires I be able to have meaningful conversations with people from all walks of life, so I am quite the conversationalist and am often told that I’m interesting to talk with. Absolute strangers have a habit of telling me their life stories.

      You left a lot to the imagination about how you talk and whether there’s overt flirting involved, but the image your description conjures up for me is guys who don’t assume that idle conversation is a sign of interest – it’s a sign of someone who likes to talk. In fact, it’s sort of pounded into a lot of our heads that just because a woman talks to you, that doesn’t make her a hot prospect, so it’s rude to treat her like one. I don’t know enough to say your signals are too subtle, but it sure sounds like a possibility to me. I also find it interesting because I’ve often heard women describe experiences of being “hit on”, where all it sounded like to me in the details they give was that a guy was talking to them. It’s like there’s a gender-based difference about what constitutes an “approach” where that means “to express romantic or sexual interest”, and the female perception is a lot more inclusive, which leads both to a feeling of having been approached that way more often than they really have, and that they approach men more often than the men have any inkling of.

      • You are right!
        Women approach men more often than they understand.
        Some men see it,and act on it, other men see it,or maybe they see it but can not trust their own instincts and think they only imagine things?
        .
        In fact this may be one important difference between men in involuntary celibacy and the others.
        Because as a women I know how easy it is for men to connect to women if they have security inside.

  3. Thanks for your comments Natalie,

    Years ago, when I was on Match.com I tried listing my location as NYC. I can assure you that things aren’t so different in NYC. I did meet some very intelligent people and they did move a little faster than the people I met on Match in Georgia but there were no generalizable differences.

    I greatly appreciate what you have written. It typifies the sort of things that many of my clients say. At least before we work together. I will try, in a few sentences to give you a little relief.

    You not only have to reach out to someone, like talking to the guy first, but you have to keep reaching out. Relating requires continual reaching out. It is a process. Relationship: as a thing, doesn’t really exist. Relating as a process requires you to stick your neck out over and over and over again until you can simply keep your neck out, less turtleish, and then you are ready to be a couple.

    Being single has a certain set of problems. You get to solve those problems, hopefully, and then you can become a couple, which has a very different set of problems. Being single has the exact same number of problems that being a couple does. Being single and saying you want to in a relationship is a subtle rephrasing of “the grass is greener.” It is promising to yourself that if you were with someone then life would be better. This is a promise that you won’t/can’t keep.

    Being with someone isn’t inherently easier or harder than being by yourself. It is different. You might want to specifically focus your attention on celebrating the things single life lets you do that couple life might not. I have never found anything that leads more quickly to discovering relating than to really life up being single.

    I coach people regularly in situations like yours. Was doing so just this morning with a sweet, very smart guy from Madison. He wants to know if he should be in relationship. He is afraid that he will hurt the women he is with. Actually, being more honest, which I urged him to be, he is afraid of being hurt himself. I let him know in no uncertain terms that trying not to be hurt doesn’t make it less likely or more likely you will be. Trying not to hurt someone else doesn’t influence the ongoing level of hurt either.

    If you would like a coaching call sometime to explore both single life and the things that might be in the way of you diving deeply into a romantic relationship I would be glad to do so. I do change for my services, but I am very good at what I do. It would be a one hour call and it is recorded. You receive the only recording and re-listening to the call will allow you to fully integrate it, assuring you results. Please take a look at jerrystocking.com, if you are interested in a call just let me know. The bad news about a call is that it costs two hundred dollars, the good news is that it will change your life and have your problems melt away. The fun news is that new and different problem will reveal themselves.

    Thanks, Jerry

  4. If men wanted women to approach them more, or be more free with sex, then all you have to do is STOP USING THE WORD SLUT tomorrow

  5. Mathilda says:

    Re: “Men want sex more than women do”

    That’s the greatest lie ever told and if it’s said often enough, it must be true.

    http://www.salon.com/2013/06/02/the_truth_about_female_desire_its_base_animalistic_and_ravenous/

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