Freeing Yourself From Myths About Male Sexuality

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  1. FlyingKal says:

    Iben,
    Thank you.
    But.
    If sharing your feelings and vulnerability only lands you in loneliness and an “easy target” for rude behaviour, where is the strength in that?

    No, I’m not depressed. At least not in the clinical sense. Resigned, more likely.

    Yes, me being treated as invisible has happened in bars and discos, mostly. But also in a variety of other places, where I just wanted to ask for directions or other everyday things. But the venues for the treatment is not that important, the point is more how I’m treated differently than my (more successful/attractive/confident) friends at the same place and time.
    Example. Me and a couple of my friends are out at a club, sitting at a table having a couple of brews and talk. A girl comes up and want to dance. She asks my friends, one at a time, if they want to dance with her, but all of them turn her down because they don’t want to dance at the moment. So she leaves, without asking me, and only me. Sure, it was just a coincidence. She got discouraged by being turned down, and didn’t even bother to ask the last guy, the fourth or fifth in the group. But if this happens repeatedly, if you are the only guy being singled out to not even be asked. 10 times? 20 times? When does it stop being a coincidence…?

    I don’t know what you would call a “princess land”. I guess I’m probably much closer to you than you think.

    • FlyingKal says:

      Also, please try and remember that the above scenario is just a sample.
      Trying to deconstruct or debunk it will add nothing to the experience or this conversation.

    • “Much closer than you think”.
      Hmmmm!

      We are many resigned people Flyingkal. I am also resigned even if I never felt invisible.
      Life sucks at times but we have to enjoy it as best we can.

  2. Natalie says:

    Are we still saying that women never approach men, and hearing that men wish that women did? I don’t know, I live in New York – is life in the rest of the country that different? Women here constantly approach men. I used to as well, in a very calm, friendly and lightly flirtatious manner. And what I found is that it never went anywhere. I would open the door for conversation, ask a question, and get a basic response with no volley back. I’d have to be the one continuously asking questions to keep the conversation going, with no questions in return about me – always making it rather clear that they weren’t interested and not interested in finding out if they could be. There were also plenty of times that they’d answer the question, I’d be the one to keep the convo going and within a brief period of time they’d excuse themselves to find a friend or something.

    I’m sure this description must conjure quite an image of me, lol! As though I must be hideous in appearance or lacking some sort of social ability in conversation. I would have to argue, that it’s quite the opposite. Most of the times I was trying opening a conversation because a man had been looking at or making eye contact with me for quite some time, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was a bit shy or didn’t want to risk rejection. And my career is the kind that requires I be able to have meaningful conversations with people from all walks of life, so I am quite the conversationalist and am often told that I’m interesting to talk with. Absolute strangers have a habit of telling me their life stories.

    For a few years now, I have stopped initiating conversation with men I might be interested in. And I don’t see other women have much success with it either. My conclusion is that the reality is a guy will approach a woman if he’s interested enough, and if he doesn’t then it’s most likely not going to lead to anything – whether it’s because he’s just not in the mood to engage, isn’t that interested in finding a date or a mate, or whatever the reason. It’s become extraordinarily difficult to tell when a guy is just checking me out but may have a girlfriend, or is interested but really shy. I still make eye contact back, ensure to smile widely if there’s a natural happenstance – like almost bumping into eachother at the water fountain at the gym. But heck, I’m still single and neither friends, family or other can figure out why.

    • I’m sure this description must conjure quite an image of me, lol! As though I must be hideous in appearance or lacking some sort of social ability in conversation. I would have to argue, that it’s quite the opposite. Most of the times I was trying opening a conversation because a man had been looking at or making eye contact with me for quite some time, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was a bit shy or didn’t want to risk rejection. And my career is the kind that requires I be able to have meaningful conversations with people from all walks of life, so I am quite the conversationalist and am often told that I’m interesting to talk with. Absolute strangers have a habit of telling me their life stories.

      You left a lot to the imagination about how you talk and whether there’s overt flirting involved, but the image your description conjures up for me is guys who don’t assume that idle conversation is a sign of interest – it’s a sign of someone who likes to talk. In fact, it’s sort of pounded into a lot of our heads that just because a woman talks to you, that doesn’t make her a hot prospect, so it’s rude to treat her like one. I don’t know enough to say your signals are too subtle, but it sure sounds like a possibility to me. I also find it interesting because I’ve often heard women describe experiences of being “hit on”, where all it sounded like to me in the details they give was that a guy was talking to them. It’s like there’s a gender-based difference about what constitutes an “approach” where that means “to express romantic or sexual interest”, and the female perception is a lot more inclusive, which leads both to a feeling of having been approached that way more often than they really have, and that they approach men more often than the men have any inkling of.

      • You are right!
        Women approach men more often than they understand.
        Some men see it,and act on it, other men see it,or maybe they see it but can not trust their own instincts and think they only imagine things?
        .
        In fact this may be one important difference between men in involuntary celibacy and the others.
        Because as a women I know how easy it is for men to connect to women if they have security inside.

  3. Thanks for your comments Natalie,

    Years ago, when I was on Match.com I tried listing my location as NYC. I can assure you that things aren’t so different in NYC. I did meet some very intelligent people and they did move a little faster than the people I met on Match in Georgia but there were no generalizable differences.

    I greatly appreciate what you have written. It typifies the sort of things that many of my clients say. At least before we work together. I will try, in a few sentences to give you a little relief.

    You not only have to reach out to someone, like talking to the guy first, but you have to keep reaching out. Relating requires continual reaching out. It is a process. Relationship: as a thing, doesn’t really exist. Relating as a process requires you to stick your neck out over and over and over again until you can simply keep your neck out, less turtleish, and then you are ready to be a couple.

    Being single has a certain set of problems. You get to solve those problems, hopefully, and then you can become a couple, which has a very different set of problems. Being single has the exact same number of problems that being a couple does. Being single and saying you want to in a relationship is a subtle rephrasing of “the grass is greener.” It is promising to yourself that if you were with someone then life would be better. This is a promise that you won’t/can’t keep.

    Being with someone isn’t inherently easier or harder than being by yourself. It is different. You might want to specifically focus your attention on celebrating the things single life lets you do that couple life might not. I have never found anything that leads more quickly to discovering relating than to really life up being single.

    I coach people regularly in situations like yours. Was doing so just this morning with a sweet, very smart guy from Madison. He wants to know if he should be in relationship. He is afraid that he will hurt the women he is with. Actually, being more honest, which I urged him to be, he is afraid of being hurt himself. I let him know in no uncertain terms that trying not to be hurt doesn’t make it less likely or more likely you will be. Trying not to hurt someone else doesn’t influence the ongoing level of hurt either.

    If you would like a coaching call sometime to explore both single life and the things that might be in the way of you diving deeply into a romantic relationship I would be glad to do so. I do change for my services, but I am very good at what I do. It would be a one hour call and it is recorded. You receive the only recording and re-listening to the call will allow you to fully integrate it, assuring you results. Please take a look at jerrystocking.com, if you are interested in a call just let me know. The bad news about a call is that it costs two hundred dollars, the good news is that it will change your life and have your problems melt away. The fun news is that new and different problem will reveal themselves.

    Thanks, Jerry

  4. If men wanted women to approach them more, or be more free with sex, then all you have to do is STOP USING THE WORD SLUT tomorrow

  5. Mathilda says:

    Re: “Men want sex more than women do”

    That’s the greatest lie ever told and if it’s said often enough, it must be true.

    http://www.salon.com/2013/06/02/the_truth_about_female_desire_its_base_animalistic_and_ravenous/

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