Can women actually make the first move? Jerry Stocking takes a look at 3 sexual myths influencing our sexual relationships.
Whether you know it or not and whether you like or not, you are under the influence of hidden myths that restrict your sexual pleasure, and bringing attention to these will open a whole new world of sexual expression, sexual energy and ecstasy.
These hidden myths aren’t yours, they are cultural myths. They are imposed upon you by people you don’t know, by people you will never have sex with and by people who hold values and morality quite differently than yours.
Cultural influences aren’t avoidable. Every time you watch TV, go to the movies, read a book or newspaper or talk to anyone you receive doses of culture.
Cultural inhibitions are waiting in ambush, making sex more predictable, less personal and less fun. Sexuality is influenced about as much as anything else, by cultural inhibitions and beliefs, simply because most of us are not sexually comfortable, sexually happy, and sexually mature.
You may think that you are exempt from culture’s input, but that just makes you an easy mark. Or you may be paranoid about culture’s input, but that is simply a waste of time and energy.
If you are interested in reclaiming your sexuality, please read on as I reveal three common cultural sexual myths. Even if you are the most liberated cat on the block you still are still being influenced by these myths without even realizing. Let’s bring them into the light.
Three Sexual Myths
The three myths are:
Men want sex more than women do.
Men have to make the first move sexually or drive the sexual process.
And the oddest one of the three: Men think they just almost got laid.
Let’s explore, and debunk these three myths one at a time. And in the process, liberate you so that you can discover your own sexuality independent of culture’s bias.
I am not suggesting that these myths are true or untrue. I am saying that they are believed by enough people that they influence you and me. Culture uses these myths to generalize and impose mass thinking on all of us. Bringing the myths to your attention can free you from most of their influence, making you sexually independent and making your sexuality your own. Reclaiming your sexuality is a good thing in a culture where sex is more marketing and taboo than it is fun and fruitful.
Myth 1: Men Want Sex More than Women Do
Culture says that men think about sex all the time, and the stereotype played out on TV or in movies is that the guy wants sex all the time and the woman doesn’t. Along with this common myth comes the idea that the man is continually demanding sex and the woman is the reason sex doesn’t happen more often.
This is a sad myth which results in a lot of frustration. It also demands that men and women play the roles that are expected of them and never really feel their way into what they want personally.
While I can certainly identify with this myth, and while it seems to be true, let’s look more deeply at it. But let’s not look at its truth; let’s explore what the world might be like if its opposite were true. Imagine, for a few moments, that women want sex more than men do.
Not only is that true in my current relationship, but it is also the case at many moments in the act of having sex. Women, it seems, derive much deeper and more bountiful pleasure from sex than men do. They feel more, they express more and they open more fully. The complaint I hear most often from women in workshops isn’t that they don’t want to have sex, but that men aren’t sensitive to what women need.
Oddly, in our culture, men drive the sexual dance by being the one who has to ask the woman out, has to make the first sexual move and is the one who wants sex. This puts women on the defensive and it has men be in charge of sex. But they aren’t really the sexual driving force. Putting them in charge, given the nature of male orgasm and female sensuality, is a terrible mistake.
The myth of male availability and female reluctance has the less sexually able male lead the way, when the much more sexually open and pleasure enhancing female ought to be driving the game. Which leads us to myth number two.
Myth 2: Men Have to Make the First Move Sexually or Drive the Sexual Process
If you want to continually risk rejection, be frustrated, scared and seeking something you may not even want (sex), then be a man. You will quickly discover that it isn’t much fun.
Men are tired of having to approach women. Whether it is someone new in a coffee shop or a spouse of thirty years, the guy has to make the first move. Women aren’t allowed to propose sex, or even ask for a date.
Women who do those sorts of things are considered to be aggressive or worse. I am not suggesting that this never happens, but women making advances isn’t common.
A friend of mine and I were walking down the street in London. Two rather attractive women approached us, speaking to us first and expressing interest in us.
Like us, you probably imagine that they were prostitutes, because women just don’t approach men very often. And even with couples married for a long time, the first step is often left up to the fella.
Myth one and two support each other. And if you consider either one of them as true then your sexuality and behavior will be dictated by cultural myths. You will be less free sexually than you might be.
I am not asking you to change your behavior, nor am I asking that women take the lead. What is needed is the discovery that the way things are is often based on cultural directives. Noticing how things are is the most powerful first step to them changing for the better. Shedding the light of attention on these myths reduces their influence and frees you to express yourself.
Myth 3: Men Think They Just Almost Got Laid
This myth is a bit more invisible than the first two. Even men who believe it often don’t notice it, mostly because they are so used to it.
Imagine this, guys: You walk into the library and there is an attractive woman behind the counter. You check out books or get a library card and you dare to “connect” with the librarian by chatting a bit about something other than books.
Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, in this scenario, the guy might think that he just almost had sex. He thinks that he not only could have her but that he almost did. That isn’t, of course, how the librarian probably views it. She is just doing her job.
But, if you, the spouse, are waiting in the car and he returns a little sheepish or bold it might be because he thinks he just almost got laid.
The result of guys thinking they almost got laid is a frustrated preoccupation with sex. When a guy almost gets laid, he thinks about sex. Thinking about sex isn’t the same as sex, it is just more thinking.
Notice, guys, how often you get laid and how often you think you almost got laid. The math of these two, if you will pardon the expression, is out of whack.
Guys, relax; notice your sexual energy. Stop directing it toward librarians, random women in the grocery store, life guards and women on TV. Really. Keeping and then flowing sexual energy within will have you be happier, healthier and more satisfied. It will also make it more likely that you can satisfy the women in your life.
Just discovering these myths is enough to free up your sexual energy.
It will relieve sexual inhibitions and lighten you up. It will also have you discover a whole messy nest of other cultural imperatives and myths that aren’t true but are blocking you from free expression and the experience of sexuality.
Examining these myths with attention and with levity will allow you to regain your own sexual will power and energy.
There are lots of other cultural myths about sex. We are one frustrated culture and are continually minting new myths to contain sexual expression.
Other myths that are probably influencing your sexual expression include ideas such as these:
- Orgasms are hard to come by, when they are actually difficult to avoid.
- Ejaculation and orgasm need to come together for a man, when men can actually orgasm many times and even ejaculate a few too.
- Sexual energy is located only at specific places in your body, when it is, in fact, in every nook and cell and cranny of this sexy planet.
Please feel free to share the sexual myths you have discovered by commenting below. If you want me to address and undress more myths please let me know and I will be glad to do so.
Remember that cultural sexual myths aren’t true, but what they do to you is real. Focusing attention on them can set your sexual expression free and result in more and better sex.
Image Credit: je@n/Flickr
Jerry Stocking is a spirituality author who has been helping people eliminate fear, worry and stress from their lives. Doing so provides relief, presence, bliss and prosperity where there had been fear. Visit his blog, Lightening Up and Letting go at www.jerrystocking.com/blog and discover everything you need to jump head first out of fear and into the present.