Zuckerberg, you have ruined us all.
People I May Know? I have a lot of mutual friends. Friends. Let me see.
Oh wow, Mallory. Haven’t seen her since we were soulmates back in 10th grade. Hm, what’s up with her? University of Florida, Bachelor of Science in Zoology. Manager at Foot Locker, and still single. She’ll pull through. She was a great girlfriend. We just grew apart is all. Nobody’s fault. Nice person. I’m sure she’ll find someone perfect for her.
Wait–who is this guy she’s with at the pool? He sort of looks like Tim Tebow. Oh it is Tim Tebow. Makes sense, I guess. What a couple of show offs, those two. Both wearing UF Crocs. Is this supposed to be ironic? It isn’t. He’s not even that great. Would I take a poolside pic with the most versatile punt protector in the NFL? No. No, of course I wouldn’t. He is like the Taylor Swift of the NFL.
Oh and look at her thighs in this pic. Good thing she’s in a one-piece swimsuit. She looks like a bag of wet clothes. Their torsos are the same width! Guess the homecoming dance was her physical prime. With a zoology major she could probably get a better job at Sea World diving through hoops. I’ve seen all I need to see. Not worth adding to the friends list. Mallory, your windbag attitude and cumbersome physical condition lead me to conclude that I will never buy a single piece of athletic equipment from you. Ever.
I’ll just go ahead and IGNORE this underachieving turd…and, done.
Oh wait a minute–just got a friend request. I love it when someone reaches out to me like this. It’s like someone across the country wants to shake my hand. Or hug me.
Ah, it’s Matt! He was always a cool guy. Always really outgoing and smart. What’ve you been up to? Bachelor of Arts in Business Econ from UCLA, M.B.A. from UCLA-Anderson, and ‘It’s Complicated’ relationship status. Still kind of short. He was always really short. Doing the goatee thing now. Probably had to grow some interesting facial hair to make up for all that shortness. His parents were rich though. Oh wait, he wears the Buddy Holly glasses now too? He’s like a little Rivers Cuomo with a goatee. Oh cool look at this! He’s at a Lakers game. Those are good seats. Great seats, actually. Wasn’t this kid’s dad an alum at UCLA? Probably how he got accepted. Come to think of it, I don’t ever remember him being very smart. He was always a little dipshit, actually. Didn’t we toilet paper houses together on Halloween back in 2004?
Yeah, now I remember–we had talked about how cool it would be to backpack through Europe. What a trite activity. Glad I didn’t do that. Everyone does that. Yawn. I’ll check out the albums anyway. Oh my God, this little rat dick. It looks like he already did it. Spain, France, Germany, Poland. Look at this cool guy on one of those little boats in Italy. Streets made of water. This place is just like New Orleans circa 2005, but with more pasta and more scarf-wearing. Who’s this girl he’s with on the little boat? She’s kind of pretty. Kind of. Not really. I’ve been with better. Big deal. I could do that stuff if my parents were rich.
Fuck this guy. IGNORE.
Whatever. Look at all these suckers. Lame. Lame. Lame. This girl used to be hot until she had a kid. This girl was never hot, and yet she’s had five kids. How’d that happen?
Okay, now here’s a cool dude. Really likable guy. Adam, Bachelor of Fine Arts in Musical Theater from University of Cincinnati. No displayed relationship status. This guy was a real hoot. Had a lot of classes together in high school. He was always a class clown, always joking around. In the local papers all the time, dressed up as Peter Pan and whatnot. Teachers loved him, too. Very cool. Looks like he’s a stage actor on Broadway now. Whoa, look at that! We have 51 mutual friends! We’re practically bookface bros! Wait, he has 2,229 friends. No biggie. He’s a likable dude, tons of people get that. Cool, his profile pic is of him and Matthew Broderick laughing together like old chums. Very cool. Hm… Okay… albums. ‘Headshots’. Handsome guy. Well, he is. No homo, srsly.
More headshots. Some full body stuff–this time with long hair, glistening under a waterfall. Great skin. Always had great skin. This guy is actually pretty ripped, too. Yeah, but also clear as day that he has absolutely zero muscle mass. His perfectly chiseled abs stick out past his pecs. This isn’t that impressive, when you think about it. Wimpish, even. Clean-shaven Orlando Bloom-ish. Just your typical ectomorph, letting the metabolism do all the work. His eyes aren’t even that color. Do I even know anyone who has purple eyes? Nope.
What else do you want people to see? Thousands of mobile upload pictures of the sky. Sunny sky. Cloudy sky. Cloudy sky with tall buildings. Night sky with the same tall buildings. Times Square. Jesus Christ, dude, we get it! You live in New York City! Instagram uploads of you on a Victorian bicycle. Take a gander at this clever guy! Sure, take hot pixx of yourself with vintage items and blur the pixx to look old, so they appear relevant to the time period. It’s like a putting a time machine into a time machine. Only with douchebags, instead of scientists. You’re just a perfect, quirky, sepia-toned, stud-muffin protagonist. You’re like a Wes Anderson character, but worse.
Blah blah blah. Flattering comment. Flattering comment. Does anyone ever NOT kiss your ass? Can’t believe the nerve of this guy. Oh wait, so here you are at a bar, drinking. So you’re surrounded by girls. Not very hot ones. Now you’re taking a picture with Seal. Now you’re making that “Look everyone, I’m drinking alcohol” face. Fun time you’re having. In New York City. That place sucks.
These girls are okay-looking. Actually, this one is fine as hell. Whatever. You all probably did one another’s make-up, just like the powdery little thespians you are. Cute umbrella in that drink too, li’l guy.
Adam, you are a pompous bag of dicks. If I ever see you, I will treat you the same way I treat someone driving a Lamborghini: I will ignore the shit out of you.
[Friend Request Sent]