Ty Phillips shares a short tale of finding grace.
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They say that converts to and from a stance make the most empowered arguments. An argument isn’t something I am here to offer though. I’m not trying to convince you that what I have done is what is best, or that it is what you should do. I am simply telling you what I did and what reasons I did it for. That was the question that was asked of me and here is the story of my answer.
To be fair, there isn’t much of a story. My life is pretty well known by most of my long term friends and feed followers. For those of you who are not familiar, it’s truthfully not much of a spectacular tale. It all boils down to sitting with the profound truth of my own suffering.
I was in hell and it was of my own making. That’s what hell is. It’s an idea; a state of mind that follows us like a shadow when we live inside a self-serving mentality that leads to nowhere.
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For many years, I was an impassioned and militant atheist. This isn’t a conversion story though. I am not going to tell you how I was saved, or that you are doomed to hell if you don’t listen and repent. The truth is, I was in hell and it was of my own making. That’s what hell is. It’s an idea; a state of mind that follows us like a shadow when we live inside a self-serving mentality that leads to nowhere.
It wasn’t the atheism that made me this way though. In fact, I don’t know that I am much removed from my stance in atheism. I am certainly no longer a militant anti theist, but I am still agnostic to the question of creators and sky gods. My change wasn’t an issue of soul saving, but of attitude changing. It was a process of sitting alone for weeks and months with no outside noise and distractions.
This sitting and facing nothing but my own internal noise led me to the fact that I was angry. I was angry at everything and every one. I was sad, hurting, insecure, and profoundly sick. With this, I began to cry and for days, that was all I did. I didn’t have anything left to cling to. There was no more falseness to be had. All my facades and pretense came crashing down around me and for the first time in many years, I was open to the idea that I was not alone in this feeling.
The highly misunderstood First Noble Truth became intensely real for me. I could see that there was in fact, a lot of suffering; so much suffering in fact, that I became depressed. In that depression, I lost my pride and eventually became aware of the simplicity of my own suffering. My suffering was based on a profound ignorance that I was carrying with me everywhere. I was looking outward. I was looking for distractions, entertainment, love, praise, and all to feed the desire to be happy.
The chaos around me stopped chasing me when I stopped trying to control it.
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This desire to be happy, this constant search outward left me feeling isolated and alone. I realized, once I was dying, that all my struggles to hide my insecurity had done nothing for me. I was sitting with myself, with my mortality, and there was no one else. The aching realization of impermanence was overwhelming. My sea of uncertainty was raging and torrid and in that notion, I could see how connected I was to everything else in life.
The chaos around me stopped chasing me when I stopped trying to control it. These months of sitting and watching and listening to nothing but my thoughts began to have a calming effect. I could see the causes of my suffering and in that I could see there was a way out. Not a life that offered no pain or change, but a way of being that allowed grace and peace in that constant state of change.
Photo—Matt Westgate/Flickr