‘Dadchelor Parties’ give soon-to-be dads a wild night out before fatherhood.
There has never been more substantial proof that modern men are taking on more responsibilities with raising children than the Paternal Baby Shower. Dubbed the Dadchelor Party, it’s a soon-to-be dad’s last night with “the boys” before confronting the brave new world of diapers, child proofed cabinets, and spelling out curse words.
Carley Roney, editor in chief of TheBump.com, explained the recent Dadchelor Party boom to The Huffington Post, “In the (19)50s it all fell on the girls. Now, it’s a shared responsibility. Guys are just as overwhelmed by the thought of how much their lives are going to change. This is the antidote to that, the hedge against it.”
Only a rookie to the milestone themed party scene, consensus has yet to be reached on what exactly is a Dadchelor Party. Ask around and someone could paint you a picture of a bonus bachelor party where men get another free pass to act like frat boys, or an epic spring break-esque last hurrah.
However, out of all the shenanigans the Dadchelor Party attendees shared with The Huffington Post, crashing a Michael Jackson look-alike contest and impersonating a football player on the hotel lobby’s front desk were among the most “wild.”
So, bachelor party part deux or just a bunch of friends getting inebriated and doing funny shit? Writers Craig Playstead and Aaron Gouveia give their take on the story about the new Dadchelor Party phenomenon.
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Aaron Gouveia: While I don’t like the idea of using corny labels such as “Daddymoon” or “Dadelor Parties,” I’m very much in favor of a last hurrah with the guys.
Some people think the minute a positive pregnancy test surfaces, guys need to give up nights carousing with the guys and all traces of their previous lives. That’s just not the case. Of course, dads will have to give up SOME of that. You can’t be out every night with a wife and kid at home if you actually want to stay with said wife and kid. And unfortunately, many wives are completely uptight, tyrannical dictators who fail to see the wisdom of allowing their husbands with a guys night out. Especially with the due date bearing down.
But I’ve taken each and every one of my friends out for an irresponsible night of debauchery prior to them becoming dads. And I highly recommend it.
It doesn’t mean we’re incapable of being responsible husbands or that we’ll be horrible dads. Most dads-to-be have been busy reading baby books, preparing the nursery and dealing with crazy pregnant wives. I don’t think one night of drunken fun with buddies is too much to ask. Not only does it help relieve the stress and apprehension of becoming a new dad, but it shows him he’s married to a very cool woman who realizes it’s OK to think about yourself from time to time.
Again, this is not a recommendation to go out and party every night. It’s simply a reminder that we don’t completely stop being ourselves just because we had a kid.
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Craig Playstead: Let me be clear: I’m in favor of anything that gives us an excuse to throw a party. I love getting the guys together, growing that bond and getting the rust off. But let’s not take things too far.
The article states the reason for these Dadchelor Parties is “… one more night where responsible decisions don’t matter.” They come complete with something called a “diaper keg” where men bring diapers in exchange for beer—basically treating it like another bachelor party.
Well, guess what, guys. The minute you found out your wife was pregnant, the life that involved “responsible decisions that don’t matter” ended. Like it or not, that baby is alive and well in her stomach and needs to be cared for – through her. You’re done acting like a total jackass. You can party, it just needs to shift from partying like a jackass to partying like a man. One eye is always on your responsibilities.
The guys in the story allow a one-month cushion so, as they say, “the wife doesn’t go into labor.” My first baby came 5 weeks early and it was an emergency situation. It’s been 12 years since that happened, but I never would have forgiven myself if I hadn’t been there to handle the situation. Believe me, one month isn’t enough.
We have bachelor parties and those make sense. If you really want to throw your buddy a party because he’s having a kid, here are a few real-life ideas that will help him for the next 18 years.
The last thing the new dad needs is tons of alcohol. What he does need is time. Get him a hotel room for a night and let him do his business by himself for as long as he wants, because after Charlie is mobile, he’ll be on a stopwatch when on the throne with Curious George books being thrown under the door.
Instead of a nightclub, he needs a three-hour meal at a steak house. This meal must consist of a cocktail, appetizer, red wine, the perfect cut of meat, sides, dessert, a cigar and glass of port. He won’t eat like this for another 18 years. If he does make it back to the steakhouse he won’t enjoy it because he’ll be checking his watch every half-hour as the babysitting bill starts to rivals the cost of that steak. Tough to relax when the clock is ticking.
I’m all for evolving as men, which we’ve done, and fatherhood is the best example of that. But let’s stop making up cutesy names for taking our buds out. As we mature, we need to class it up and help improve one another’s lives. Remember, as men we have nothing to apologize for.
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Craig Playstead is a freelance writer and father of three living in the suburbs of Seattle. His articles aimed at “entertaining and helping the average guy” have been read by millions throughout the years. You can find more of his work on his blog.
—Photo Gilbrit/Flickr
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A night out with your guy friends is fine. A night of debauchry where guys have a second bachelor party by celebrating a child with their wife seems really disrespectful and less about still being who you are and more about just finding an excuse and free pass to disrespect your wife and family with strippers, booze and women.
Isn’t that the reason why people have bachelor/bachelorette parties when they get married? Isn’t that suppose to be your final night of “debauchry” .
I do however love Aaron’s justiification on why dads should get out having to deal with their “crazy pregnant wives”. Too bad those crazy pregnant wives can’t take the little bun out of the oven so she can go out and get all crazy. No she can’t do that because she actually has to be the adult about the situation, carry the man’s child for 9 months, making sure she eats right, all the while changing her body forever for him while he’s off oggling 18 year old strippers and flirting with waitresses. Women have been having babies since the beginning of time and we never came up with anything so stupid as a wild party to celebrate it.
Come on guys. Grow up already. Stop trying to find reasons to treat your own families like crap.
I agree. The ways that men and women deal with familial responsibility are so vastly different. Bachelorette parties are a fairly recent development. Women are basically just aping the behavior of men. Typically women had bridal showers and baby showers. In both cases, the focus is on what is being gained – a husband or a family. When you look at the parties for men, however, the focus is often on what is being LOST. In the case of a bachelor party, it’s access to other women’s bodies and in dadchelor it’s the loss of beer-time. Focusing on the loss of strippers and beer rather than on your family is insulting. I think that it indicates a still-pervasive mentality that family life is somehow the opposite of manhood.
No one is suggesting that parents can’t go out with their friends occasionally. Of course grabbing a beer or a ball game with your friends is fine. I’m not sure why a “last hurrah” is even necessary. Sure, outings may become less frequent, but they’re not gone. Also, unless you’re the last member of your social group to get married or have a kid, you’ll probably be attending bachelor/dadchelor parties even after you’re married or have a child. So, it’s not even the “last” hurrah. In general, it’s just not very logical.
Women seem to take additional responsibility in stride. Having the responsibility of marriage or a kid is not always pleasant, but it doesn’t require a drunken night of debauchery to accept. It’s great that men seem to be taking their role as parents seriously, but I can’t help but feel that the tone of these parties indicates that they’re not quite where women are in the way that they think about families.
Lindsey: I can’t help but feel the tone of your comments indicates women still fancy themselves condescendingly superior to men.
Have you seen bachelorette parties lately? I sure have and let me tell you, they’re not sitting around knitting or even planning the wedding. They are friggin nuts. And that’s fine, have at it. As long as they’re not being unfaithful no harm no foul. Same with bachelor parties. It’s not the “loss of strippers and beer.” That comment shows you have no idea what you’re talking about.
However, sometimes (depending on the people involved) upcoming nuptials do mean the end of seeing your friend. What if a man/woman is marrying someone controlling who no one else likes? You’ve seen over the course of their engagement this person is manipulative and gives the other person so much grief when he/she wants to go for a night out, that that person just stops bothering to even ask. Then friends stop inviting him/her after he/she says no repeatedly. It’s a domino effect until that person effectively disappears as a friend. Unfortunately I’ve seen this happen a lot. In which case it actually is a last hurrah.
But all that aside, it is egregious stereotyping to assume women naturally take the responsibility of parenthood in stride more than men. Have you read this site? Have you paid attention to the dad bloggers on here? They represent the modern take on fatherhood, and it’s pretty damn impressive. Just because they value a night out with friends with some beers doesn’t take anything away from their ability as parents.
Your insinuation was not only insulting, it was incorrect.
So now you’re going to bite my head off like you did with Erin? Where did I ever say that going to a dadchelor party made you a bad father? A person’s initial attitude to additional responsibility doesn’t mean that they’ll shirk their responsibility later. All I said is that the attitude toward having a family seems to be different between men and women. Just an observation.
Having a child reduces your discretionary spending, but you don’t see women going to “one last shopping spree.” Having a child wreaks havoc on a woman’s figure, but you don’t see new moms hitting up amateur night at strip clubs as a send-off to their bodies. Motherhood reduces the time that a woman can spend with her girlfriends, but there’s no such thing as a momcheler party, is there? Why do you think that is? All I said is that some women seem to take responsibility in stride and don’t have to make a “thing” of it. It doesn’t make them better parents, it just indicates that their reaction to parenthood is different initially.
If some of your friends have controlling wives, that’s sad. No one here is claiming that parents – both male and female – shouldn’t spend time with their friends. If you want to have a normal night out and just term it a “dadchelor” party, as you described, I really doubt that anyone would take issue with that. What everyone is talking about are those who go above and beyond what they would do in a normal night out. That’s what we don’t understand. You seem to have the idea that all women are controlling and that, knowing that this is what’s in store, men are acting out. But it’s unfair to women to assume that they’re all going to end up being controlling jerks to their husbands. It’s just not the case. Who’s stereotyping, now? Everyone I know thinks that have friends is a healthy thing and that seeing said friends is necessary for people to be happy.
Erin,
Where in the article did it mention “strippers” or “women” in regard to these parties? Oh it didn’t. That’s just your own invention, bias, and stereotyping against men. One night of drinking with friends doesn’t equal “treating your families like crap.” That is so stupid it doesn’t justify a response. In your other responses below, you continue to bring up stippers, which neither the article nor anyone else is advocating. You have issues. A site for men and about men is probably not the best place for you.
Erin: Give me a break. You’re telling me that because I like to go out once every 1-2 months with my friends that I’m “stupid” and “treating my family like crap?” That is completely ridiculous.
First of all, I’m not talking about strippers. I never mentioned strippers and I hate strip clubs. I’m talking about going to a bar with friends, or even staying home. Hell, our fantasy football draft doubled as a final night out before one of my friends had a baby. We hung out together, told old stories, laughed like hell and got ridiculously drunk. No wives were harmed and we didn’t disrespect anyone (except maybe ourselves).
Second, your bachelor party is not your final night of debauchery. You think because we get married and have a kid that means we can NEVER go out again? Yikes, I’d hate to be chained up in your basement. I hang out with my friends and drink a few beers. I go to sporting events (season tickets to the Patriots). This doesn’t make me a bad father, it makes me someone who maintained an interest in things pre-baby. Granted, I can’t (and wouldn’t want to) go to 50 Red Sox games a year or spend every weekend out with my buddies. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about an occasional night out with the guys to blow off steam. And that’s perfectly reasonable.
Finally, we agree that moms can’t go out drinking while they’re pregnant. That’s why, as soon as my wife was ready after she gave birth (about 2 months in our case), I kicked her out of the house with her friends and told her to go nuts for a night, which she did. And she desperately needed it. So this is a two-way street, and I think moms should have the same opportunities as dads.
It’s like the studies that show employees actually become more productive if they’re given small breaks throughout the day to check Facebook, Twitter, etc. Thankfully I’m married to a woman who realizes the occasional night out is a very beneficial thing that keeps me sane and actually makes me a better parent. And I give her the same courtesy. I’m a good husband and a hands-on father. But I’m also a guy who values his friendships and realizes the importance of taking a little bit (I stress, a LITTLE BIT) of time for himself.
Maybe you should try it Erin.
Completely agree with Aaron. My wife is incredibly supportive of the fact that I need to still be a man and hang out with my friends from time-to-time. We don’t do anything crazy … beside drink some beer and play some cards and golf. If that makes me an awful parent, then I guess I have to take the other 51 weekends a year more seriously. Like Aaron … I support my wife’s need to do the same and encourage her to do so. In fact … I make sure she does those things by sending her away for a weekend with the girls. I buy the plane ticket so she doesn’t argue with me. It is healthy.
Aaron, I was surprised by your level of vitriol against Erin. The first thing she wrote is “a night out with your guy friends is fine.” She never claimed that once you get married you should never go out with your guy-friends again. And I don’t think anyone would consider going to a baseball game an “irresponsible night of debauchery,” which is what the article was talking about. There is a difference between having time to hang with your friends, and having some kind of “bachelor party” do-over. A guy shouldn’t feel like he has a “free pass” to be reckless and irresponsible, whatever your definition of that is; he’s a got a kid on the way to think about, and that has to come first. No, he’s not carrying the baby so yeah it’s different, but that doesn’t give him an allowance to be an idiot.
“Come on guys. Grow up already. Stop trying to find reasons to treat your own families like crap.”
Insinuating that I treat my family like crap because I go out for a night of drinking will get my Irish up every time. As it should. And actually she did claim that once you’re married you shouldn’t have bachelor-party level fun with your guy friends. I disagree with that. Vehemently.
But let me ask you this, what’s the difference between the stereotypical “Girls Night Out” and a “bachelor party do-over?” Aren’t they both nights of drinking, partying and fun? If you want to get technical about it, my friends and I have a bachelor party do-over at least once a year. My wife also goes out with her girl friends occasionally and does the same.
I don’t think that makes either of us idiots.
I don’t think she was insinuating YOU treat your family like crap; she was addressing it to “guys.” And I think she specifically meant guys who would use the “dadchelor party” to do stupid things (and by stupid, I mean stupid by most people’s standards, including yours).
As for what’s “bachelor-party level fun” (God I’m starting to use too many quotation marks) there’s a reason why movies like The Hangover become such hits. And there’s a reason why there’s no female equivalent. I think if you say “bachelor party” to just about anyone, they’ll admit the first two things that come to mind are bars and strip clubs. So sure, it’s possible to be responsible at bars and strip clubs, but it’s also possible to be royally stupid, and that’s a line soon-to-be fathers have to keep themselves from crossing. What that line is really depends on the couple.
Daddy Files, the fact that your a Patriots fan alone is enough to know you wouldn’t ever be invited into my basement let alone have the privilege of seeing my chains (die hard Jets fan here). All in all, I really don’t think we are saying anything that much different. We do disagree about some things but on this subject, I think we are more alike then not.
As Shelby (thank you Shelby), pointed out, I see nothing wrong in having a guys night that really is about the guys. I think going to a sporting event or playing poker are awesome ways to spend time with your friends. But if this guys night is all about having an excuse to have a “bachelor party redo”, and live a night of debauchery, that’s a different story. I don’t even think it should ever get to the point where a man or woman feels so bursting at the seems to “party” and let off steam, that they need to go full throttle. Going out with friends, going out on dates with your own partner, and still maintaining a healthy environment for your kids are all important to the well being of the parents in the relationship. I just think that too many people do/are going to use this as a justification to have another bachelor party where they get a “pass” to act without thought to their families. And in my own personal experiences, I see more men that are eager to act a certain way when it comes to “bachelor” style parties then I do women. So many guys in relationships just seem to look at any excuse to step out and enjoy other women. Whether it’s their own bachelor party or their friend’s. I also just thought Aaron’s comments about getting away from the “crazy pregnant wife” was mean spirited. That “crazy pregnant wife” is having his baby! She doesn’t get a night off for the next 9 months. And lets be realistic. She won’t get a night off for the next couple years +. She is changing her body forever so that as a couple, they can have kids. Men clearly don’t have to go through nearly the same physical burdens.
My comments never had anything to do personally with your relationship. But you are right on one account. I don’t really think there are too many positives in celebrating life events such as marriage and babies by stuffing finger tips down a g-string. And my personal opinion is that men are more likely to want that then a woman is. It’s just tiring to see men that still want to do such things despite having a special woman in their life and children on the way.
“I don’t really think there are too many positives in celebrating life events such as marriage and babies by stuffing finger tips down a g-string”
I’ve always thought that bachelor parties are an odd, and a little offensive, way of celebrating an upcoming marriage. The fact that some guys seem to be jumping on the idea of using fatherhood for a repeat is quite strange to me. But, to be fair, I think that the article indicates that dadchelor parties are primarily about drinking. Aside from implication of “bachelor” in the name, there’s nothing to really indicate that strippers are a part of most celebrations. Like everything else in life, I think it depends on the individual. My guess is that anyone who would use fatherhood as an excuse to pay for tits would probably do it even without an excuse.
I love going out with the guys, and even organize weekends for my buds a few times a year. I’ve had many, many nights out after my kids were born.
My issue is with thinking that having a kid is equal to needing one more night of debauchery. That’s a bachelor party. What you need is one more night out to to get you ready for what you’ll lose after you have kids: time, money, your mind and the fact that parenting is in your head constantly. It could also be argued if you want to have a blow-out then you do it after the baby is born. When your wife is pregnant — you are on duty 24/7. Tough to do that with your head hanging out of the toilet.
Being a man is about living up to your responsibilities.
Shelby: Actually there is a female equivalent to the Hangover. “Bridesmaids” was just in the box office recently and that’s precisely how it was marketed.
Erin: In looking back at the discussion I think you’re right, we’re actually saying (mostly) the same things. But I will disagree with you on the crazy pregnant wife comment. You think that’s mean spirited, but I say it’s accurate. Of course pregnant women get crazy, it’s understandable. Their bodies are changing, hormones going nuts…it’s inevitable. I’ve long since been on the record that my wife was never sexier than at the end of her pregnancy when she was huge and exuding vitality. I think pregnant women are absolutely gorgeous and a wonder to behold.
That having been said, they can be friggin nuts. My wife and all of my female friends have admitted as much, and they’re open about it. My wife actually surprised me with a new phone a few months after Will was born. When I asked her why, she said “Because you put up with me for 9 months when I was batshit crazy.” And that’s fine, it’s part of our jobs as husbands. And it’s nothing compared to housing a growing child for the better part of a year. But let’s not pretend it’s not true, or that it’s easy for guys to deal with. It’s not. And all I was saying was that a night off with the guys is a reasonable “thank you” if a guy has lived up to his responsibilities.
Craig: You think having a blowout is better AFTER the kid than before?? I have to disagree with you there. We’re always “on duty” but more so after the baby is born than before. You can still be a man and live up to your responsibilities while taking ONE NIGHT to party with the guys before the baby comes. I have no problem with a bachelor party level night of fun (minus the strippers because I HATE strippers/strip clubs), and I believe it has absolutely no bearing on what kind of dad/husband you are.
I wasn’t pretending anything wasn’t true DaddyFiles. I’m well aware that pregnant women are flooded with hormones. But I still think the comment is mean spirited because it’s putting women down. I am also not a fan of the ever popular “bat shit crazy” comments that often get tossed around in regards to women. These are put downs, not comments made to lift women up going through tough times. I am not saying fathers and fathers to be don’t deserve a break. I just think it would be nice if there was a little more masculine understanding and kindness then outright put downs about what women are going through and an attitude of entitlement about the break a husband/father might need when women don’t really even get that same luxary for the 9 months they hold his child and the time afer that where the child is going to be very dependent on the mother.
I like what Playstead said about when your wife is pregnant you are also on 24/7 duty along with her. That’s what partnership is about and I respect his comment on that.
Can it be a put-down if it’s also the absolute truth?? The term “bat shit crazy” is not relegated to women (at least in my vernacular). Anyone can be bat shit crazy, regardless of gender.
But I do have to note some hypocrisy in your statements. You condemn my alleged sense of entitlement because I think responsible dads-to-be deserve a one night break, but then you show your own entitlement by saying “and the time after that where the child is going to be very dependent on the mother.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but a newborn baby is very dependent on both parents. Sure some moms breastfeed, but many others do not. But you seem to be implying moms are the main caretakers or that the baby is primarily dependent on mom. This may be true in some cases, but definitely not all. Fathers (at least me and my friends who have become dads) are 50/50 partners in parenting. Your comment harkens back to the stereotypical thinking about gender roles we’re trying to escape.
Make up your mind DaddyFiles, first you lay into me because you misconstrue my comments. Then you come back and agree we are pretty much saying more similar things then dissimilar on this issue, (this was after you made some directly catty comments to me that I didn’t harp on and infact tired to joke around with you on.) And now your back to tell me I said you didn’t deserve a one night break despite the fact that I didn’t say that at all. Come on. You know what I am saying.
As for my alleged hypocriticalness, I absolutely see fathers in this generations take on their parental responsibilities differently then previous generations might have. And I never once said that fathers weren’t 50/50 parents. That was something you wrongly assumed because of the logical rational that in the first few months of birth of a baby, most mothers do have more of a responsibility. Based on my own personal experiences and what I see with my friends, I do still see a dependency and responsibility on mother’s that father’s don’t have as far as those first critical months of birthing and right after having the child. I am not saying that the baby doesn’t also depend on the father or that his contributions aren’t 50/50 in other ways. But even you agreed that father’s don’t have the responsibility that mother’s does in the beginning. Now you are going to try and act that I am saying something derogatory? That’s not fair.
Lastly, calling women the crazy pregnant lady or “bat shit crazy” undermines the real truth about what her body is going through. It’s putting a negative on *her* when what she really could use is some support. You don’t say things like “bat shit crazy” unless you are trying to put someone down on some level. Do you even know how “crazy” is defined. It’s defined as a mentally deranged person.