Jay Blevins believes it’s a shame fear is allowed to do such damage to men’s sexual relationships and advises communication can act as both a panacea and bridge to improve your intimate moments.
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We all know the old stereotype of men always wanting sex while women seldom do. As a therapist I have certainly seen examples of that. I’ve also seen examples of exactly the opposite—-women who want sex much more than their male partner.
There is no doubt that sometimes differences in the level of sexual desire simply exist. One person just would like more sex than the other. A person’s level of sexual desire can be impacted by many factors such as stress, illness or other external factors. And sometimes it just is what it is.
It is also true that we can also impact our own desirability to a large degree. It starts with the basics like taking care with our appearance. More importantly it is the way we behave and the way we treat others.
…there are also times when men, the ones who are supposedly always wanting sex, get in their own way of having sex.
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While all of that is true, there are also times when men, the ones who are supposedly always wanting sex, get in their own way of having sex. I run across those situations in therapy and at the talks I give on sex and sexuality and they almost always stem from some combination of shame about sex and insecurities about meeting societal expectations of masculinity. You know that tired trope that you aren’t a “real” man unless you know how to please a woman sexually.
While that may be an admirable goal in theory, it sometimes includes other assumptions that can quickly send things off course. Some men believe that they must know everything there is to know about pleasing a woman or they are somehow not a good man. They believe that taking input or learning from their partner is accepting help and strong men do not need help.
Here’s just one example from the many times I’ve heard this sentiment expressed. I saw a wonderful couple in their early 40’s. We had worked on a variety of relationship issue and then delved into the issue of sex. They both expressed a strong desire to have sex and a strong attraction for each other.
She told him that while she was really attracted to him, that sex wasn’t very pleasurable.
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He asked why they weren’t having sex more often. She told him that while she was really attracted to him, that sex wasn’t very pleasurable. That he wasn’t doing things in a way that works for her and on top of it, he wouldn’t listen to her when she tried to help him learn.
That is a lot of information, giving a pretty clear answer about how he can have more sex with a woman to whom he is highly attracted. I would have thought a reasonable response would be, “Show me. Teach me. I want you to be pleased as well as me.”
Instead, his answer was, “I know how to please a woman. I’ve been having sex since I was 15 and women haven’t complained. No woman is going to tell me that I don’t know how to please her.”
It sounds so arrogant. You are wrong when you tell me what pleases you.
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Wow. It was hard to know where to even start with that statement. It sounds so arrogant. You are wrong when you tell me what pleases you. I know you and your body better than you do.
As we dug into things a couple of things became clear. This client’s understanding of masculinity included the belief that if you don’t possess the ability to please a woman, any woman, that you are less of a man.
That belief didn’t stand alone. It was then coupled with the idea that asking for, or needing help is a sign of weakness. This made the idea of accepting information about sex, from a woman no less, an unacceptable assault on my male client’s masculinity.
The final piece of the puzzle was a complete lack of understanding that not everyone’s body works the same, that each individual has preferences for levels and types of sensation.
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The final piece of the puzzle was a complete lack of understanding that not everyone’s body works the same, that each individual has preferences for levels and types of sensation. Our culture’s dismal efforts, or lack thereof, at sex education, left this man believing his cookie cutter approach to sex ought to work for every woman.
This man’s insecurities about masculinity were preventing him from getting sex from his partner who not only was attracted to him, but actively wanted more sex. Her only request was that she wanted to enjoy it. Not that crazy of a request, is it?
Here’s another situation I’ve run into all too frequently. Men that want sex with their partner and then shame their partners for either wanting sex or the way they want to have sex. I heard a great example at a talk recently.
Recently, (a wife) asked (her husband) to try something new (nothing that unusual, just something they hadn’t tried)… That’s when things went south.
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A woman in the audience said that she and her husband had been married for several decades and both enjoyed sex. Recently, she asked him to try something new (nothing that unusual, just something they hadn’t tried). He did. She enjoyed it and asked him to do it more aggressively. That’s when things went south.
His reaction was to shame her. He refused to do it and got very upset. He wanted to know what was wrong with her that she had this particular preference. His shame and fear around sex made him defend himself by choosing to criticize his partner. Not a great way to get someone to want to have more sex.
That’s not to say everyone should enjoy the same sexual activities. We all have a right to our preferences and to say no to things we choose not to do. However, the answer isn’t to shame your partner around them.
The answer also isn’t to avoid discussion altogether. That’s the other place I see shame come into play. I’ll ask people if they’ve had any conversations about sex—what they like, don’t like, might want to try. Often the response I’ll get is some form of, “Oh no! We’d be too embarrassed to do that.”
That’s right, people who have chosen to spend their lives together, to care for another, to make life decisions together, to possibly parent together, have so much shame around sex that they can’t discuss it.
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That’s right, people who have chosen to spend their lives together, to care for one another, to make life decisions together, to possibly parent together, have so much shame around sex that they can’t discuss it. Not even with the person that they are supposed to be the most connected with, to trust, to be vulnerable with.
When those discussions do happen amazing results can happen. People find that they have more shared interests than they knew. Or they find that their partner is more than happy to do things to please them even if it isn’t a big turn on for their partner.
In other words, when we are willing to move past the shame around sex we can create a more fulfilling sex life. For everyone.
There are enough challenges to having healthy, enjoyable sexual relationships. Don’t let insecurities and shame make you stand in your own way.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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This sums up the majority of my relationship experiences. High libido + independant + high wage earner + lack of traditionally “girlie” pursuits (cold water surfing) = Unintentional insecurity triggers. I used to think I wasn’t good enough, but therapy and a couple of honest male friends have told me otherwise. I accidentally became the man I wanted to marry, except, you know, not at all. I wish I could find that guy who’s ok with being wanted (as opposed to being needed), doesn’t internalize my successes as his failures, and doesn’t need to have a coercive dynamic for sex… Read more »
Sarah – Well said. I wish you luck in your search.
All the yeses. You nailed it, as usual. Great advice!