Are emotions and sex so different forms of expression? Jonathan Cadet discusses.
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Women need intimacy to get to sex, they say. Well, it may be weak for a man to admit this, but we don’t have sex just for sex. A lot of us have sex because it’s one of the few ways we can express our emotions and gain intimacy.
I’d never thought about it until my women’s psych professor talked about how hard it is for men to express emotion.
But now I think it’s one reason why we seem to crave sex more than women do.
Of course, there’s the biology of it. We are more “loaded” with testosterone. And twice as much of our brain is taken up with sex. And women’s sexuality is more repressed by our society’s double standard. But we men have a human need for emotional intimacy and expression that is repressed in us, too.
But wait, I know what some guys are thinking: Less talking and more f-ing! Why in the world would that be a problem? It’s a blessing, right?!!
But looking back I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve said to my guy friends when they were trying to have deep conversations about their relationships. Like, “What’s wrong with you? You have no balls!”
Imagine how bad you would feel to hear that when you are seeking advice!
And I haven’t always been real respectful of women, either.
If a guy had asked me a few months ago why men are so obsessed with sex, I would have bragged about my sexual encounters and be like, “Yeah bro that’s how I treat my b****”
No offense to women, but we all do that! But you know what? We don’t mean a single word! We say stuff like that to look manly in front of guys because that’s the stereotype of what guys should be like. Men are tough and insensitive. We shouldn’t communicate our feelings.
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Am I the worst person ever? Well, I don’t think I’m a bad person. And a billion other guys could fit in that same box.
Sadly, we buy into the view because if we don’t, we are viewed suspiciously and get rejected.
So we take on the attitude. But then it interferes with being intimate and loving in our close relationships. And then our only recourse to gaining love and intimacy is having more sex. It’s the only thing that is hidden from the outside world and judgment. Because what happens in bed stays in bed. (And lying can seem advisable when guys must pretend that sex is all about performance — “I f’d her so bad and she liked it !!!” — while omitting the details about all the feelings that were involved.)
In fact, from my own experience, and talking to other guys, a man’s romantic passion is often communicated by the number of times he has sex. The more sex, the more in love we are. If sex is less often, that’s usually a bad sign and we may express our disconnect by being unfaithful.
In truth, men and women are more alike than different. Both men and women have essentially the same desires in life and seek the same kinds of satisfactions with each other. Both want love, affection, success, dignity and self-fulfillment. They want to be acknowledged first as unique individuals, and then as men and women.
And emotions and sex are no different, right? So why treat them in different ways for each gender? If women’s sexuality and men’s emotions were freed from repression, we would be able to connect a whole lot more.
Jonathan Cadet is a student who gave permission to post this.
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This article originally appeared on Broadblogs.
Photo credit: xiu xiu/flickr
Yeah, man, you’ve got some growing to do. You shouldn’t need to replicate stereotypes to affirm yourself. And that sort of thing only perpetuates problems and issues between sexes. Narcissistic behavior 101. So, you’ve had an initial epiphany, it’s just the tip of the iceberg and not all that noteworthy. I’ve been a big supporter of The Good Men Project, but this article should never have gone to press. The editor should be ashamed of this. This article had promise, but in its realization was a total miss. Like when a man “f**** her so bad and she liked it”‘… Read more »
Hi Kate, sorry you were disappointed. Jon was a student in one of my women’s studies courses and I originally posted this on my blog. As I read your comment, and one or two others, I imagine there is concern that a comment like “we all do this” could be seen as an excuse. Or a concern that the bravado he expresses in, “and she liked it” was something he believed, as opposed to a critique of his own behavior, and the behavior that so many men exhibit. He was talking about the social pressures that lead so many guys… Read more »
So this page is not a place for a young man to discuss a realisation he has come to on his journey towards what his personal development as a man. But it is a place for him to be criticised for not being the fully developed and to be told that his epiphany it ‘not that notworthy’. I am afraid that judgmental, supercilious points of view such as the ones above are what’s ruining this page. I believe it’s original purpose was to be a safe place to discuss, it’s become an arena to shame and harass men who don’t… Read more »
“The more sex, the more in love we are…”
“Less talking, more f–king…”
BTDT…Looking back, it does’t really feel like love if your feelings are being disrespected and the stuff that is upsetting you is swept under the carpet….
Jonathan was a student from my women’s psych class who wrote about his experience on this issue for his term paper. I asked if I could post it on my blog, which was reposted here. It is the experience of a young man acknowledging that he hasn’t been perfect and grappling with various pressures he has felt, along with pressures that many young men feel. I appreciate his honesty in his search for answers. Regarding the point about men craving sex more: due to things like slut-shaming, women’s sexuality is much more repressed in western societies. The only way to… Read more »
“Men are tough and insensitive. We shouldn’t communicate our feelings”
Some of us are, and some of us are perfectly happy with that. That doesn’t mean we say things like: “Yeah bro that’s how I treat my b****”. Those are the words of a child, not a man and it’s sad that being stoic is continually confused with being a disrespectful tool.
Believe it or not, it’s perfectly reasonable and possible to be both stoic and empathetic, to control your emotions and to be kind and respectful. They’re not mutually exclusive.
The last two paragraphs said it all and are very true. Particularly: “They want to be acknowledged first as unique individuals, and then as men and women.”
Glad to hear of another young man coming to terms with how he’s been repressing his emotions and grandstanding in the presence of his male peers. Good for Jonathan. I’d say looking deeper into all of this and getting real with himself is indeed worthy of respectful encouragement.
“But now I think it’s one reason why we seem to crave sex more than women do” – Nope!
Why do people still believe this crap. It makes you feel abnormal if you are a woman with a high sex drive or a man with a lower one.
http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/jul/05/what-do-women-want-daniel-bergner
“No offense to women, but we all do that! But you know what? We don’t mean a single word! We say stuff like that to look manly in front of guys because that’s the stereotype of what guys should be like. Men are tough and insensitive. We shouldn’t communicate our feelings.” and there goes any credibility to your character… Yeah all men do it (yet men will get angry over people saying all men are dogs/pigs – but it’s ok for you to admit it) and you perpetuate the lack of respect of women and perpetuate the acceptability of said… Read more »
Men with character don’t engage in that sort of bad behavior. In fact, I refuse to spend time with men or women that behave like that because the behavior disgusts me.
That being said, I’ve never seen any direct evidence that women are willing to avoid men that behave like that in favor of men that are more reserved and respectful. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re not typically willing to suck it up and ask guys out or what.