Vanessa Marin has tips for those times when mismatched sex drives are causing tricky moments in a relationship.
“My partner wants it less than I do” is the sentence that most frequently makes an appearance in my inbox.
I’m a sex therapist, and mismatched sex drives are the most common reason couples come in for psychotherapy. Two people are never going to want sex at exactly the same time, every single time, so all relationships have at least some degree of incompatibility. Couples can sometimes navigate minor discrepancies with ease, but more often than not, they wind up fighting.
If you’re the partner with the higher sex drive, you probably find yourself struggling with how to manage the differences in your libidos. You don’t want to pressure or guilt your girlfriend into having sex with you, but you can’t turn off your desire either.
I’m here to help those of you who want to bring the spark back into your sex life while being a respectful partner at the same time. Here, my top tips for managing those tricky moments when you want sex and your girlfriend doesn’t:
•Be direct in your initiation. One of the most common patterns I see in my sex therapy practice is that the partner with the higher sex drive gets tired of initiating, and claims he’s going to stop. I understand this tactic; it’s hard to repeatedly put yourself out there when you think you’re going to be rejected.
That being said, it’s not a particularly effective move because the partner with the lower drive starts getting extra sensitive to indirect initiation. The smallest interactions get imbued with suspicion and tension. “Is he trying to start something?” She starts shutting down physically, and pulling away from even little kisses and hugs.
I know it’s vulnerable to put yourself in the position of potentially being turned down, but trying to ban yourself from initiating makes things worse instead of better. The best thing to do is initiate clearly and directly. Don’t be demanding, pushy, or rude, but state what you would like.
•Make sure your offer is enticing. When we get into long-term relationships, we stop making as much of an effort to be seductive. Muttering “you wanna do it?” while yawning isn’t exactly going to fire up anyone’s engines (probably not even your own).
When you’re trying to get your girl into bed, muster up more enthusiasm and gusto. I’m not saying you need to put on some phony Cassanova act, but try to initiate in a way that will make her want to say yes. Set yourself up for success!
If you feel stuck, think about the situations or gestures she has responded well to in the past. Does she like it when you look her in the eyes and play with her hair? Can you give her a relaxing back massage?
•If the answer is no, get curious about why. If she says she doesn’t want to have sex, ask her about it. See if you can tune in to genuine curiosity about her experiences, without getting defensive or argumentative. Her reasoning might help you shed some light on how to make more successful initiations in the future. Is she stressed from work and in need of a venting session? Is she distracted by the trash you promised her you’d take out? It’s not your job to fix everything, but you may be able to help her relax to the point of being more open to intimacy and connection.
•Feel your disappointment. Being turned down for sex sucks. Trying to pretend you don’t care is only going to make you feel more frustrated, so it’s best to honestly acknowledge your reaction both to yourself and to your lady.
Gently, and without expectation, tell her that you’re bummed. Then take some time to soothe yourself, perhaps by cuddling with her, going for a quick run, or masturbating. Since rejection can cut so deeply, it can be helpful to keep in mind that turning you down for one sexual interaction is different than rejecting you as a person.
•Keep the context in mind. Has she been saying “no” a lot more frequently since she lost her job? Did her sex drive tanked once she started birth control pills? Our sex drives don’t exist in vacuums – they’re highly sensitive to stress, fatigue, relationship problems, and health issues. Are there ways that the two of you can work together to create a life that is more supportive of regular sex?
•Talk to her about your sex life on a separate occasion. Have an honest conversation with her when you’re both calm. Share all of the reasons why you love having sex with her. Tell her the ways that you’ve been struggling with your intimate relationship, and ask her about her perspective.
One particular aspect to consider is whether the sex you’re having is good. If you guys have been having lousy sex, it makes perfect sense that she doesn’t want it as much anymore. Make it a point to check in with each other regularly about the status of your sex life. Actively working on improving together, by asking for feedback, reading books, going to sex therapy, and experimenting with new things.
•Be willing to make some tough decisions. Is getting turned down an infrequent thing, or is it happening all the time? It’s not possible to get all of your needs met by one partner, but you don’t want to feel consistently deprived.
You may need to consider if this is the right relationship for you. Many couples aren’t sexually compatible. It’s not a judgment on either person, but sometimes it simply doesn’t work. It can be hard to end a relationship solely because of mismatched sex drives, but keep in mind that sex is one of the top three reasons why couples break up.
When my clients are struggling with whether or not to move on, I ask them if they can picture feeling like a team in working on these issues. Any long-term relationship is going to have sexual difficulties at one point or another, and it goes a long way when both parties are willing to recognize the issues and take active steps together. If your girlfriend refuses to put effort into your sex life, or belittles you for your desires, you may need to find a better teammate.
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Navigating the frequency of sex is going to feel a little tricky at times. You’re never going to be thrilled to get a “no” when you’re raring to go. But by developing these skills, you can set yourself up for success more frequently, minimize the sting of a rejection, and create a more honest and connected sex life.
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Too many steps… just dumb her and find you a girl that will do what you want when you want it! Never settle for less!
Of course you don’t care to bother anyymore, when you’re constantly being rejcted! That simply goes without saying! Jesus fucking christ!
The best way to get your girlfriend to have sex, is to get REALLY good with your tongue. Set the mood, be confident and tell her she’s about to experience an amazing orgasm. There’s a really good guide by Michael Webb called ‘Lick By Lick’ that has all the best techniques. You can find it at: http://www.LickingTricks.com
If you give her an amazing orgasm, she will want more and more. Eventually she will return the favour.. you’ve just gotta be patient.
Yeah, cause that helps immideately when she’s constantly rejecting your hugs and kisses..
Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years, it was amazing at the start, we done it at home, we done it in the forest a few times 😂.. now its dead, 3 year anniversary was coming up and it had been over a month since the last “i jist dont feel.. sexy” or “im too tired” there always seems to be a reason.. I booked a nice apartment in the city, took her to a concert she wanted to go to, made it as fun as possible, met up with her friends at the show and had… Read more »
You’re in trouble brother she’s gone
Hello, David I think you should try something new, cause it seems she have new appetite now… Oral sex wouldn’t be bad, she needs you but I think she needs it in a different way
I’ve been doing lots of reading on why my girlfriend wont have sex with me. I read a forum post on a female dominated website, and they all pretty much said the same thing. They stopped having sex with their partner because they sucked at it. Some of them even cheated because of it, WTFF. How do you sexually satisfy a woman in bed?
Connor, women are very good at making excuses. The classic line being “Sorry baby, I’m tired” – Translation: “Sorry babe, I just don’t feel like having sex with you.” Been there, done that. Check out a guide called ‘Revolutionary Sex’, the tips work so good. You can find it at: http://www.jacksoraltips.com
“Sorry Baby, I’m tired” – So true lol. Thanks for the great share Andrew.
Oral sex is a great way to get the spark back up study it take your time when they normally try to pull away pull them back in but before you do this start out with a body rub not saying a quick one but one that will make her fill good this doesn’t
have to be a every time thing talk to her
My boyfriend cheated on me even in public places and when I try to let him see the implications of what he is doing he threatened break up with me. after some while, my boyfriend fell in love with another girl, i was so heart broken.. I was in PAINS.. physically hurts in the chest. emotionally distraught. wish there was a pill or shot to take that would make you feel all better..i contact Dr.mack in regard of getting my boyfriend back and Dr_mack@yahoo. com reunited i and my boyfriend together with his powers, OMG this is exactly how I… Read more »
If both have normal sex drives and yet infrequent sex, it comes down to incompatibilities. It is a lack of sexual attraction; chemistry. At 51 – we begin weighing our options of great relationships vs. settling for less great sex.
Try this on her…Lick her back lightly with your tongue, while using your fingers tickling her thighs. This will drive her nuts. And when you get to puzzy licking part, finger her fast and faster while sucking and licking, she will cum. Oh, yes she will. Tip: never jump right into her, or start grabbing her tits, or between her legs, bc it’s such a turn off for her. Get her dripping wet. Let her want you, let her beg for wanting more.
Girls love to get their puzzy licked. Me and my gf been together for 3 years, and when we got together, I licked her from her neck, down her back, between her thighs just as I done to my last gf. Me and my last gf didn’t last bc she was too lazy, she never cooked, or wanted to look for a job, she had to go. Now my new gf likes the way I take my finger tips lightly going down her back, she gets so wet, and I say to her baby, im a lucky guy to have… Read more »
My girlfriend just broke up with me we live with eachother so she met a guy and caught feelings and attached and she said the sex was great but when she comes home she wants sex with me but she doesnt look at at me while sex is in action what do i do
I’m 26 n my girlfriend is 19 she allways saiz no to sex what is wrong
probably bc you are 26 and she is 19. why are you dating a 19 year old? you’re a grown man and she is a kid. also, illiteracy is a turn off
Suck my white asss ball……
Fuck you Op. Worst godamn motherfucking advice ever. Fucking burn in hell asshole.
LMAO sounds like someone is butthurt about not getting laid…
Most women use sex as a loss leader, just like Walmart uses $0.99 2-liter Coke as a way to get you in the door. Lots of quality sex until she thinks you’re hooked then it dies off. Let that girlfriend or wife know that you want it like it was when you met. If she’s not willing to do that, you let her know you can find someone else more than willing to fulfill your needs. This is what’s wrong with men today and a fact that many western women take advantage of. You think this woman is the only… Read more »
Good answer
Agreed..fuck em if they are not giving up the puss atleast 3 times a week then shes the wrong one.
Ive been with my lady for about 12years(im 28, shes 27). We lost our virginity together when we were 15/16. We ended up haveing two kids in the process now 9,8. Were were extremely sexually active for years intel after our second child. She would be socially active with her friends and spend alot of time going to partys. We would still be sexual active but all the passion is gone. We would suspect each other of cheating so we became a little distant. She has a high sex drive so sex would come anytime but it was just sex.… Read more »
She’s a WHOOOORE
Go get your knob slobbed,get out and find a fish—–she’s not loyal enough to stay with,alcohol isn’t an excuse for her hormones raging while intoxicated : she’s a whore .WHOOOOOORE.
Went throght the same before. You gotta understand that life is about heaven and hell. It’s about earth. Trust me put the b.s. beliefs to the side a live life. When u see what other girls can do in bed she’ll be a thing of the past. My girlfriend never wants sex. Shit I’ll trade u
We use to have sex like crazy, and now we barely have sex. We might have sex 3 times a month if I’m lucky. She hasnt hardly touched me or anything since about 3 months into her being pregnant and now we have a 3 month old son and she never is honry anymore. Like i try to do everything but she is always saying I need to loode weight bc I don’t have a 6 pack n big muscles, like I’m not fat or anything I’m kinda chubby. Like she use to tell me I’m sex n all that… Read more »
I know the feeling…mine isn’t pregnant, but I think she’s lost interest in me. Oh well…life goes on unfortunately.
Women are not attracted to the same pheromones pre-pregnancy and post-pregnancy. It is a biological imperative for her to seek the highest quality man, and she is seeing that you are no longer up to the quality that she is finding around you. I would prepare to get replaced and to pay a lot in child support.
Child support? Why would you assume he would be paying child support? It could go either way, she might have to pay child support. Or they can be parents that don’t need that because they can work together even while separate.
Sounds like your part of the problem. You give her sex for five minutes and expect her to be into it? Try working out. Stop being a beta male. I can guarantee she’s looking for an alpha.
I have tried lot of things including what you have just say but it does not work. I and my wife we use to have sex without any problems, she having get pregnant while we were still having sex but after we had our baby gal, she started not to want to have sex with me. Even now she doesn’t want, I have tried to ask her if we have a problem between us but she said the is no problem, its just that she no longer want me inside her. Help please
So divorce her, dumbass. Say “ok theres no problem, i just want to divorce you and not provide for the child. Btw, I’m getting a DNA test on our daughter.” And smile as you say it
Once she realizes that there are consequences to depriving you of sex, her attitude will change. Right now she does it because she thinks she can get away with it
Hi me and my partner have been together for 10 years in 2003 she was diagnosed with thiroyd cancer she has had 2 operations and is now as good as it can get. The point is he libido had dropped usual on her case but for the past year we have barelly had sex sometimes 1 every 2 or 3 months and I am verry sexually active as at the begging we used to do it quite a few times a day I must say but now I am verry frustrated as I never get anything and when I try… Read more »
I’m sitting with a similar issue. In the beginning we had crazy sex, 8 months later. ZERO! When I bring it up, it ends in conflict. I am so tired and frustrated about wondering what is going on. she tells me she is not happy in her work and she lost attraction to me. But she still loves me and what to fight for this. I’m seeing a breakup coming soon. What would you guys say?
If it is that much of a problem, break up NOW. I am now 11 years into a relationship where we have sex a couple of times a year and I hate it; but after 11 years it is VERY difficult to break up. I think about it all the time as I see no change on the horizon.
Get a mistress?
May I have sex with her
Be like “I will OK, so basically you want to have sex with other guys, but you want me to emotionally and financially support you while you go look for a hotter guy? YEAH. Not happening. Sex now, or im breaking up with you.”
My fiance and I have been together for 3 years, we have a 9 month old daughter and we haven’t had sex in 6 months. I’m at my wits end, I don’t know what else to do
Tell her that you are calling the wedding off. When she asks “why?!”, say “because you are USING me, and systematically depriving me of sex, and also obviously cheating on me. So tell the guy who is having sex with you, to marry you. And when you find out that he won’t, maybe you’ll realize how bad of a decision you made.”
WTF is it with the back rubs? Im in my second LTR, and both involved me having to give complete massages just to get a little. Not flirting throughout the day. Not being sweet and kind. Not doing little things that initiated sex, like in the beginning. NOTHING WORKS. Only back rubs and massages. Its become a routine. Never spontaneous. Never initiated by her. Never reciprocated. Iust be the one to initiate. I must give a back rub every time. On the verge of dumping this one too. If i wanted sex to be so fn predictable, id just go… Read more »
I’m so sick of the bias in these articles. What about when you, the girlfriend, want sex more than your boyfriend? It works both ways.
because its usually the man with the higher sex drive, thats just how it is darling
Usually, not always. That’s also how it is, darling.
I’m a male I have a really high sex drive at first my partner and I were both into it and now she isn’t so much, but there has been a few times I haven’t wanted too these articles aren’t very helpful I’ve tried everything in this she has told me that when you’re in a long term relationship then sex has to be less trouble is she has only ever had one partner before me
Fuck it man.
It makes perfect sense, as to why men often have mistresses, to me now.
I’ll never have a woman with “just as” sex drive. It’s not meant to be compatible.
I’ll be good as much as I can, when I can’t, I’ll find sex elsewhere to release the pressure. That’s all. There’s other things in life ffs.
Any man, or woman, who has to use a mistress/misteress, is a worthless scumbag who cannot be trusted. You betray the person you should be closest to? You’re a fukin’ skank piece of faecal matter.
You can find loads on google.com
Go to http://www.google.com and search “girlfriend hates sex” – Kinda depressing.
There should be an article for girlfriend wanting sex more than boyfriend. This happened to be the boyfriend wanting more. Just look for one.
i have losts of them contact me @ [email protected]
Wish I could meet someone like that. My gf’s sex drive just disappeared.
How about this. She gets somethong to stimulate her sexuality and he gets something to dampen it. Meet in the middle people, thats how a relationship works! Those that say “if they cant keep up drop ´em” have obviously never been in a relationship woth fighting for. To those experiencing such a problem. Maybe consider professional help. However, make it equal. Maybe show your partner that you are in this together and that you are willing to make an effort if they are, by also doing something AGAINST your sexual drive as much as the partner is doing FOR said… Read more »
if she doesnt want sex then this is a free pass to watch porn
Like that helps..
It’s proven that actual sex is different than porn & jacking off.
I can go for 5 times in saturday and the next day I’ll still be craving a real, live woman.
with me it is bit different she blames me of not being able to put her on but the look on her face when i touch her tells me that she is not interested and they is nothing i can do . i touch her and she don’t respond or she get something to keep her busy e.g. cellphone i am even feeling like she don’t love me any more
She seems checked out brother!