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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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If you think all men are dogs then you might consider trading your needs for your wants…
A friend of ours recently declared that she was SO over men that she decided to get a dog instead. This woman is in her mid-30’s, attractive and really has it together in most other areas of her life. Apparently, the men that did show up during her many attempts to date and connect with just turned out to be dogs. So why not just get a real one. You know, that will love her unconditionally and forever be her best friend without all the B.S. that comes with the hominid variety? And she is not alone in making this decision. A recent study in the U.K. revealed that 1 in 10 women in relationship with a man actually prefer their pet over their man. Is the male gene pool really that bad off or is there something else going on here that suggests these women could go about finding the man of their dreams in a more effective way…
Tick, Tick, Tick…
We have another female friend in her mid-30’s who is drop-dead gorgeous, and very, very frustrated. One day my Partner and I walked into a restaurant only to see our fetching friend having what appeared to be an intimate conversation with yet another new man. We didn’t hear a word either of them said yet is was instantly clear to us that this was going to be another let down. We came to this conclusion so quickly because her body language was like a neon-sign flashing the words “I need a man!” over and over again. Since she is so attractive, she ends up with having many short-lived relationships where the men get the sex they want until her needs pushes them away. In the inevitable aftermath of each one we are debriefed on what “dogs” all men are.
We observed similar behavior in many women in their 30’s and it is really no surprise. The 30’s are the period of a woman’s life where the ticking of the biological clock becomes more strident the closer one approaches 40. And this is true whether the woman wants children or not. It’s all part of our default Sexual Operating System that is designed for propagation rather than fulfillment.
Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again
The problem here is not the biological clock nor all the horn-dog men out there. The real issue lies with: a) not even being aware of these drives, b) assuming one is “incomplete” without a mate, and c) not being clear about with whom you want to share your life. And without these being addressed honestly head-on, one is doomed to repeat the same experience over and over again. That is, until old Fido and his incessant wagging tail starts looking really good as a substitute life companion.
Finding the right partner starts with first learning to be totally comfortable in your own presence. This means you have the ability to fully enjoy life with or without a partner, i.e. alone yet not lonely. Likewise, want and need are two completely different things. You can still feel complete and yet desire someone to share your life adventure. However, the moment you feel a mate is necessary to feel complete, your needs only serves to ward off potential compatible partners.
Finding the right partner starts with first learning to be totally comfortable in your own presence.
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While I can’t speak for all men, I will say that a self-assured woman is far more attractive to most men than one who comes off as needing someone to fulfill them. And, this kind of self-assurance will not settle for anyone she feels does not meet her standards and is fully willing to risk waiting for the one that does.
This of course assumes one is willing to be very clear, ideally in writing, about whom they want as a life Partner. I firmly believe this takes a great deal of introspection and self-questioning as to why various characteristics within a mate are so important. It also means being equally clear on what qualities are not acceptable, no matter what –i.e., the “deal-killers”. While most people will tend to agree with the efficacy of this approach, very few ever follow through. It’s as if they would prefer to have God or the Universe just magically deliver the right person on a silver platter. Without clarity, you are essentially tying the hands of Fate from being able to deliver. And by the way, if you are waiting for Prince Charming you may as well as get that puppy now because P.C., who is the very definition of filling a need, is never going to show up.
…a self-assured woman is far more attractive to most men than one who comes off as needing someone to fulfill them.
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Don’t get me wrong I love dogs, and cats, for that matter. They love unconditionally, never judge, comfort you when you are down and can even help you keep warm at night. However, they will never, ever provide the depth of fulfillment that can only come from having an authentic relationship with someone you want and respects you as an equal. And that is the ultimate shared human experience worth risking to prepare for.
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Image: DepositPhotos.com
While I don’t think a pet is, should be or could even be a serious fill-in for male companionship, there are some qualities that most pets tend to embody that can be fulfilling in their own right and would be nice to see reflected more in the human race in general. Pets love unconditionally. You don’t need to be hot, with a perfect body, or some glorified confident emotionless robot who does everything perfectly and projects the perfect attitude that is attractive to a man. I don’t need to fix my hair or put on lipstick for my pet to… Read more »
Profound, and I believe will be very beneficial to a great many women out there. I’ve had women quip that there could be a room full of guys but that they have the innate ability to pick the one guy that is a dic…every time. With that, I immediately wondered if the two of you took a look around that room to see how many potentially good men she walked by as she approached Mr. Labrador. No doubt that we have our share of dog-boys out there, but as suggested, they are moot if a woman learns what to look… Read more »
Thanks D.J. –you made me smile (as usual) and made my day 🙂
Nice article.
I wonder if females expectations for men are too high. Then they find all the great things a pet offers: love, companionship, protection, etc. in a pet and they snap it up.
another observation: females don’t like being a mother to their man, yet are totally willing to mother a dog. make its meals , clean up, after it, love it, give it attention, play with it, try to make it happy. These seem to make the women happy.
Any thoughts on this?
Thank you j. Actually, I think women want a man that can offer love, companionship, protection AND someone who will be their lover, their equal yet still be a man. I don’t think the problem is with expectations so much as it is with clarity about what they really want out of a life partnership. In terms of the “mothering instinct”, that is very much a feminine trait that can be selectively focused –whether on their children or their pet, but definitely not their mate. I truly believe women (and men) can have it all within a committed relationship –they… Read more »
This came to mind:
“I’ve never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.”
All the best.
/K
Pets are surrogate children and bring out our maternal instinct. They are “cute” and cuteness triggers parental caretaking behavior. But I don’t want my boyfriend/husband to be my child! I want him to be an adult. That doesn’t mean I’ll never be nurturing toward him, but I don’t want to have to treat him like a baby either. Feeling motherly is pretty much the opposite of feeling sexual. Cats are very cute, so cute that we treat them like babies, even though can be selfish, aloof and demanding and have sharp claws. Actually, though, when you think about it, young… Read more »