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Remember when people didn’t talk about mental illness and miscarriages?
Remember when cancer was whispered, like the mere mention of the name could infect someone at the dinner table? The Good Men Project believes that all of these topics and more should be an open conversation. So here is my conversation starter.
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We don’t talk about married sex enough.
Whether it feels like an invasion of the personal partnership of your marriage, or whether people are simple afraid they wont measure up, there is something that is keeping our lips sealed — and maybe also our legs.
When I was recently talking with a friend about my being an only child, she became particularly interested. “How was that?,” She asked. She might be the mom of an only child. She couldn’t imagine having another baby. She called herself one and done.
Then, almost as an aside, “Besides, that would mean I would have to have sex with my husband.” It was a throw away line. I imagined it was hyperbole. But worried that it wasn’t.
Listen up. I am lazy, I do very, very little that I don’t want to do. But I have sex with my husband. And you know what? I don’t always want to. Sometimes I really want to and that is best for both of us. But when I would rather just watch TV, or pick my toenails (I mean who can resist that sexiness?), I have sex anyways.
Lots of times it turns out really well. Much better than TV. Sometimes it is perfunctory. Sometimes it is really quite laughably bad.
But it always makes us closer.
It isn’t always the case that men have stronger sex drives than women, but in my marriage it is.
In my relationship, I feel closer through talking, and my husband feels closer through physical contact. Imagine if Steve just decided he didn’t want to talk. I mean, really for weeks on end, he wouldn’t talk. That would be unacceptable.
Imagine if Steve just decided he didn’t want to talk. I mean, really for weeks on end, he wouldn’t talk. That would be unacceptable.
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But some of my friends feel they can go for weeks or months on end without being physical with their husbands. Some of these couples are at peace with this. Some of the reasons for a semi platonic relationship are medical or require a more nuanced response than “just do it” but plenty don’t.
Why aren’t we doing it more? Why do we ignore the “to have and to hold” section of our wedding vows?
When it is the woman in the partnership that withdraws from sex it may be our genes at work. As women leave childbearing age it is not in nature’s interest for us to have lots of sex. In contrast it works well for the species for men to keep at it. “Go ahead! Spread that seed! Make more of me!,” says the men’s genes.
By 40 many women are done perpetuating our species. Although I have read a lot about women’s huge sex drive in their late thirties, that does not seem to be what my friends and I are experiencing. So some of us have settled into a pattern where a birthday blow job plus and a bi-monthly Saturday sex date supposedly satisfies both parties.
That doesn’t sound like much of a party to me.
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When I’m out with friends I wait until the second martini and start turning the screws about screwing.
Many of them are virtually revirginized in their marriages. I hear the reasons. I even feel the reasons. They are so so tired. They have already given over their bodies to pregnancy and nursing and snotty nosed cuddles. They don’t have enough private time with their partner. It has been so long they have performance anxiety.
There are so many reasons to skip sex, but let me share a not secret secret, there are even more reasons to have sex.
In addition to the physical pleasure and physical closeness, there are health benefits to regular sex. And many studies point towards a correlation between regular sexual activity and increased longevity in marriages. Put simply, increased intimacy leads to increased intimacy.
If you are reading this and you don’t know exactly when you last had sex, take a tip from Nike and just do it.
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This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
@ Menopausal Lady, “Do more houework! etc.” Studies show that men who do the least amount of housework actually get more sex!!!! “Some husbands are bad at sex or never wash the dishes.” Again, did not the woman knew this BEFORE she married him? How about women starting to take some personal responsibility for their choices. “Although I occasionally dated, I went 5 years without any sex whatsoever and…. ” Not to sound like Rodney Dangerfield, but I went 5 years without sex and I was married! “In many cultures, men deal with this situation by getting a younger wife… Read more »
Hi Jules, I’m sorry for the difficulties you had in your marriage. I’m not morally opposed to legalized prostitution but I think it poses many risks of abuse. Just as an aside, I work with code enforcement for a city government and we find a lot of evidence of human trafficking in the massage business we regulate, such as evidence that women are living/sleeping at the massage parlor, finding random people in the back of the massage business who are “just visiting”, women who don’t know the names of the people who they are working for and can’t answer basic… Read more »
“Besides, that would mean I would have to have sex with my husband.” Yep! This is the attitude of well over 50% of married women here in America. If you are a husband, usually your sex life is pretty shitty. “In my relationship, I feel closer through talking, and my husband feels closer through physical contact. Imagine if Steve just decided he didn’t want to talk. I mean, really for weeks on end, he wouldn’t talk. That would be unacceptable.” I did the Chapman love language test last week. I score a 12 for Physical Touch, then a 7 and… Read more »
I had a raging sex drive in my 20’s and early 30’s but sadly it really did start to tank by my late 30’s. It just became less and less interesting. My situation is a little different than many women because I was single in my late 30’s. Although I occasionally dated, I went 5 years without any sex whatsoever and…. I didn’t really care! I know that’s probably hard for men to believe. But I didn’t crave it a whole lot. I missed having someone and the physical closeness but not the sex. I did find a relationship in… Read more »
Hi menopausal lady I can tell you that you have no need to be so pessimistic! And it makes me sad to see that you do not know or not told by your doctor that right now you are in a period of change. How you feel now will not last. Lots and lots of women have perfectly normal sexual feelings after menopause and for years to come, You are in a transition period and your body is a bit confused 🙂 but I can promise you that this is not a permanent state. And it is terrible that you… Read more »
Hi Silke, thank you for your comments. from what I’ve read, some women do find they regain interest in sex after they get through menopause, but for some women it is a permanent change. Everyone is different. Like hot flashes, some women have them for a few months and some women can have them for 10 or 15 years. But you are right that’s it’s important to try to maintain a positive attitude.
Those men give those women the power by staying with them. If you aren’t having the sex you enjoy in a relationship, move on and find someone who will satisfy your needs. Sex IS one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Too many people buy into this myth of how love is so magical that it’s completely ok to stop having sex because people are tired from housework or can’t find time to have sex (but they still find time to watch hours n hours of TV…). Sex is one of the leading instincts driving adults, it’s apart… Read more »
40 years of marriage, I have never had “sex” with my wife. We’ve only made love. “Sex” is easy to get and it sure as heck doesn’t have to define a marriage or be promoted as some magic act that pulls it all together. Making love takes more creativeness and by no means has to involve intercourse.
Personally I’m tired of the constant push for sex.
@ Tom, Hello!! I would only say Tom that for a man like me, sex is a deeply bonding experience. It strengthens the connection I have for the woman I love. When I say that, I mean within the context of a serious relationship or marriage. I am not a man who cares about casual sex, serial dating, “dating around”,…or any of that kind stuff. Just not a lifestyle I live or care to live. I must be emotionally connected to a woman. Sex deepens that connection for me. You can call it making love or whatever. But, it involves… Read more »