Is it possible for a relationship to make it, to be successful and be good enough?
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Can we reclaim the solid ground for the good-enough relationship… celebrate it without judgment and the stigmatizing perfectionism that can result from our expectations.
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We use the term “good enough parents” to ease out of the perfectionism and judgment that can pervade our parenting. Is there an equivalent for couples? Can we reclaim the solid ground for the good-enough relationship… celebrate it without judgment and the stigmatizing perfectionism that can result from our expectations.
For more about perfectionism, see this article on Telltale Signs Your Perfectionism is Out of Control by Dr. Travis Bradberry.
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Writing this is hard… Stop and pace the room hard.
The reason this piece is difficult is that I am a perfectionist and I can be tortuously hard on myself in my relationships. Every mistake, or perceived mistake, endlessly rolls around my brain. It feels like perfectionism ping-pong. My perfectionism has caused me to shrink back from intimacy out of a fear of making mistakes.
This hasn’t been a good thing for my relationship. I am working to heal, recover and repair my relationship and it feels like an uphill battle.
I wish this were an article about the five ways that you can get through any difficulty and have a good enough relationship. It’s not, because I’m working on my relationship too. In fact, I always will be working on it.
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The good enough relationship:
1.The good enough relationship does not try to be perfect.
Living in your head is exhausting. If our reality is difficult, we accept it for what it is while also working toward what can be. The good enough relationship recognizes that both partners bring baggage, they bring a past into their relationship. Sometimes one partner may have more baggage than the other, or baggage may be dealt with, then resurface. Regardless, the partners accept that baggage needs to be accepted by the person who owns it, and that empathy makes it easier on both partners.
2.The good enough relationship works to respect and understand each other.
The good enough relationship is a growing relationship and as such, it is unpredictable. This may mean accepting aspects of each other, and yourself, that you are not happy with.
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Respect needs daily deposits from both partners. Respect is built by following through on what we say we will do, by listening to each other, by initiating, by being present and by asking forgiveness. The good enough relationship is a growing relationship and as such, it is unpredictable. This may mean accepting aspects of each other, and yourself, that you are not happy with. The relationship is big enough to allow each partner to grow, so long as the relationship continues to be nurtured.
3.The good enough relationship knows that sometimes you can be healthy even if you are not happy.
Sometimes one or both partners experience raw emotions, hurt, and pain. Hard emotions do not mean the relationship is over. The good enough relationship is at peace with their emotions, and they do not threaten the life of the relationship. The couple in the good enough relationship knows that if we are working on our relationship today, that will create a more healthy relationship in the future.
4.The good enough relationship knows that mistakes and failures become the raw ingredients for growth and for a better relationship.
A good enough relationship is big enough to allow both partners to make mistakes, take risks and fail. The partners know that failing does not make a person a failure.
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A good enough relationship is big enough to allow both partners to make mistakes, take risks and fail. The partners know that failing does not make a person a failure. The relationship stays alive through reflection, forgiveness and empathy for each other, and for yourself. Mistakes are seen as part of a learning process, we don’t take them personally.
5.The good enough relationship just is. It doesn’t try to be perfect or amazing. Good is good.
The relationship will always need work. There is always time to relax, to have fun. A growing relationship is built on self-acceptance and acceptance of the other. The relationship makes room for each partner to have a do-over.
The good enough relationship is not an excuse to not work or to be lazy at our relationship. I have done that at times in my relationship, and it is disrespectful. The good enough relationship does not excuse disrespect, abuse or disempowering. It is a relationship marked by acceptance, not power. It is not an ideal relationship, when two imperfect people come together, we all know what can happen.
Keep it Real
For more about the Good Enough Marriage, follow this link and The 8 Signs that You Overthink Everything.
Photo by Francisco Osorio