Shawn Henfling believes that while it’s popular to pile onto cheaters, sometimes the behavior itself may just be a cry for help.
—
Over and over again we hear the same mantras when it comes to unfaithful men. If he cheats, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He’s just a player. He’s not a good man. Those things and more can be true. He may be a terrible person. He may in fact be someone who enjoys playing the field too much. Your cheating boyfriend/husband may be the walking embodiment of everything a good spouse should never be.
This is the part where many people will go on to blame the spouse. There wasn’t enough affection shown. You weren’t emotionally available. You were too trusting. A thousand stones cast and just as above, some of them may be true.
The common cliché has always been “It takes two to Tango.” This too has its roots in truth. Rarely is there a catastrophic failure in a relationship that is caused by a single person. Just as bridges don’t suddenly collapse for no reason, so it goes with relationships.
Good men can and do cheat, just as good women sometimes stray.
|
“You can’t be unfaithful and still call yourself a good man.” With respect to the folks out there making this claim, I disagree. Good men can and do cheat, just as good women sometimes stray. Sometimes behavior is more than just what is on the surface. Sometimes cheating is another form of escapism, a way out of the blackness that threatens to envelope a persons life.
Escapism, as defined by Merriam-Webster: habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine.
Reality is a bitch and we aren’t always taught proper coping mechanisms. Traditionally, men were told to lock away their emotions. Stand stoically and unflinching. Be everyone’s rock, their port in a storm. Never cry. Feelings? WHAT FEELINGS. YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS. Except anger. Anger is manly. Anger is macho. Don’t get sad; GET MAD!
Like trying to fit 6 cups of leftover mashed potatoes into a 5 cup container, eventually things will overflow and you’ll be left with a mess. It may look like things are going to fit, but once you try forcing the lid onto that bad boy, it just goes everywhere or the container itself will break. Either way, you’re cleaning up a bunch of crap you should have known better than to try and force.
Cheating, for some men, is that escape. It’s their coping mechanism, and unless they learn better strategies, it won’t be fixed. These men will hate themselves for what they do. They’ll feel guilt, swear it won’t happen again, and fall again and again.
Hell, he DOES know better. He knows it’s wrong.
|
Different men have different thresholds for stress. Some men I’ve known have dealt with incredible blows to their lives, not had constructive coping mechanisms, and not strayed. Still others, men I’d consider morally and ethically superior in nearly every way, experience tragedy in life and seek their escape in the arms of another.
These good men who’ve fallen from grace, never intend to leave their spouses or families. Hard as it may be to accept, they still love truly and deeply. Sometimes the cheating is because they feel as though their spouse has also endured too much and trying to vent to them is further torture. Sometimes it’s just a need to escape the constant reminders of the life they have and the stresses it contains. Cheating can even manifest as a side of effect of just needing to reach out to someone who will react with tenderness and understanding when life gets to be too much.
Whatever the cause, this isn’t an attempt to excuse the behavior. On the contrary, he should know better. Hell, he DOES know better. He knows it’s wrong. He knows the results will never be good. Still he allows it to happen. It shouldn’t happen, not ever.
Here’s the thing. Just because he cheated doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It doesn’t have to mean he doesn’t want to be with you. It may mean he didn’t know how to cope when life got the best of him. He’s still the man you chose to be with, and has the potential to be much more. He needs help, and both of you will probably need to see a marriage counselor. Should it mean the end of your relationship? I can’t answer that, but if you love him and he truly loves you, isn’t it worth the effort to repair?
Photo Credit: Ben Ahhi/flickr
So I’m a little unclear about what this article sets out to achieve. While the author may have stated a believable cause for cheating and why it doesn’t make you a bad person , I wanna know what is it out there that makes you a bad person then ? If not emotionally crushing someone that blindly trusts you when you’re looking for your own escape ? I took back a cheating man assuming the same thing , that he may not be a bad person but probably needed to heal in some form and that I could be part… Read more »
I’m wondering if you would feel the same way if the pain caused by the Cheater were physical instead of emotional. If he had beaten the snot out of his spouse instead of crushing her emotionally would your position be the same? If you know that the pain you’re going to inflict by cheating will emotionally crush your spouse breaking a part of them that can’t ever be unbroken and you choose to do it anyway because of your own needs ,maybe you never really truly loved them in the first place. Maybe because of depression or whatever you’re unable… Read more »
I believe love hurts when it isn’t acknowledged or reciprocated.
Do cheaters not feel emotional pain in the process? I guess some don’t.
I think this is a great article. very controversial 🙂 Everyone seems to be missing that this article never condones cheating, never says cheating is acceptable, it never denies that it is the worst thing you can do to someone you love, or never even that cheaters should not feel awful for what they did. This article ( in my opinion ) is more about depression and explaining to someone cheated on by an otherwise “good guy” how he could do something so awful. I genuinely hope that none of you have to go through such a deep depression where… Read more »
There is NO justification for cheating. It is what it is. Does it mean that he’s a bad person? Not at all but taking responsibility for his behavior is the first step in healing. The addicts that I work with take responsibility for their behaviors and learn to realize that what they’ve done doesn’t make them who they are. “environmentally adjusted morals and standards” appear to be an okay thing these days. I did it because (fill in the blank) which is no more then a justification, an excuse and it doesn’t take into account the one that’s been innocently… Read more »
Tom, Not only wasn’t I excusing the behavior, but I wasn’t justifying it either. Get off your high horse and stop being so combative on every every article.
Fuck you.