Life’s greatest blessings often come from our biggest disappointments.
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Recently, I ran into a woman that I dated for a brief time. I remember thinking as she walked away, just how much I enjoyed seeing her. Life seemed to be treating her well, she had a boyfriend and a new job and was all smiles. There were times when a similar thing would happen and it would get me to thinking: “how did I screw that one up?” or “I wish that thad worked out.”
I found myself really happy for her and thankful I had known her the time I had, but content that it ended there.
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But this time, the feeling was much more optimistic. I remember how disappointed I was when it didn’t work out, but now months later, I realize it made me a better man. I found myself really happy for her and thankful I had known her the time I had, but content that it ended there.
Lately, I‘ve spent a lot of time thinking about the things that didn’t work out or that turned out differently than I had hoped, and how they changed me. If I looked at them with the right perspective, I was able to use them to improve, to grow. While it is not always the case in the moment, I’ve learned to be grateful for the challenging times.
“Things which hurt, instruct.” – Benjamin Franklin
We all face obstacles throughout life. I often hear people say, I wouldn’t change the past, it made me who I am today. While I’m not sure that is entirely true for me, I am grateful for much of the adversity that helped shape me.
I think most people have experienced the job interview process where you are so excited about the opportunity you picture yourself in the office, you do way more research than necessary because it feels like the perfect fit. A few years ago I had this experience with a job I had no business actually getting. I went in to round one thinking no chance they call me back…but they did, again and again. In the end, I had sold myself on how great it would be and how perfect a fit it was, I wasn’t their choice. It stung. But it taught me a number of things about belief in myself and how to approach similar opportunities in the future.
“There is good in everything, if only we look for it” – Laura Ingalls Wilder
Perception is reality. While true, it can often be the root problem in our response to adversity. Our brains are wired to see what we think is there or what we think should be there, instead of focusing on what actually is there. But we often do more damage to ourselves by trusting these thoughts. When facing challenges, it is best to see the facts only.
Our brains are wired to see what we think is there or what we think should be there, instead of focusing on what actually is there.
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One of my biggest challenges with dating is adding context to a situation that isn’t necessarily there. Like most people, I’ve been burned in the past, so when situations come up that remind me of past experiences I start adding things I think could be there to what is happening. I read too much into communication. I overthink just about every scenario. What I’ve challenged myself to do more lately is to remove that, and just see and focus on what is actually there.
“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change any instant.” – Viktor Frankl
How we see the world has such a tremendous impact on our lives, how we live, how we respond and what we accomplish. If we choose, emphasis on choosing, the right perspective, we can turn obstacles into opportunities. Do we separate ourselves from the challenge or do we use it to define ourselves?
I have my children half time and have struggled with not being a part of everything I could be if I was still married to their mom. Thanksgiving day, for example, they are out of town with her. In the beginning I beat myself up over this obstacle to being a good father…as I was defining it. I used some obstacles related to time with them to define my value as a father. As the years have gone on, I have been able to separate myself from the issue and make sure the time I do have is high quality…and that defines me as a father.
Whatever the adversity, it does not define us. But we can be shaped by the experience, if we give ourselves the chance. During the time of year we often think about the many things we are thankful, I am reminded of the obstacles that have turned into great opportunities.
Photo Credit: flickr.com/Stephen Bowler