Ken Solin wants men to stop pitying themselves and find a way to move forward.
The sexual paradigm is morphing rapidly. Evidence of the progress women are making in every venue is abundant. As the number of women enrolled in the graduate schools of business, medicine, and science, has increased to half or more, the ranks of men have decreased proportionately. More women are serving in government, and some are fighting our wars. While their progress in every arena is laudable, it has led some in the media to the wrong conclusion.
The “demise of men” is a hot topic. While some men are lost and angry and feel as if men are on the decline compared to women, many understand that the ascent of women didn’t depend on the descent of men. Most men understand the shift in the balance of sexual power and aren’t threatened by it. But there are a fair amount of men who apparently do resent empowered women, and their attitudes, while antediluvian, are made publicly and frequently.
Nowhere is the empowerment of women more evident than in relationships. Women aren’t so keen to marry, have children, and stay home. Many view marriage as a one-way ticket to single motherhood, and the divorce statistics support that. Women are far more circumspect about their partnering selections, and some men complain women are unceremoniously dumping them. The comments left by jilted men on HuffPost50 regarding articles about relationships reflect the anger some men are feeling. But the genie is out of the bottle, in terms of empowered women. Where does this leave men? That depends on whether men view themselves as victims or partners in the new dynamic.
I urge men struggling with the changing sexual dynamic, to stop whining about how women are treating them. First, it’s unmanly to whine. Second, no one is listening except other whiny men. Women have long suffered second-class citizenship, especially in relationships, so it falls on deaf ears when men complain women aren’t treating them well. There’s often a temporary swing to the other extreme during a cultural shift.
Every time I write about men behaving inappropriately with women, there’s a contingent that reminds me that women sometimes behave badly in relationships, too. Of course there are women who aren’t particularly interested in being the best relationship partners possible, but that’s a flimsy excuse for men who insist their dysfunctional behavior is a quid pro quo. It’s a circular argument with no winner.
Taking the high road is most effective. Men who treat women with respect and dignity will find few who will mistreat them in return. Men need to stop excusing their behavior and cynicism about women because a woman once mistreated them. If men behave in a manner that will inspire women to appreciate them and treat them with the respect they deserve, they will be rewarded most of the time.
If you’re in a relationship with a woman who treats you badly, walk away. If a woman unfairly dumped you, let the pain in, allow yourself to feel the sting, and then move on. Men suffer greatly after failed relationships when they refuse to feel their pain and work it. There’s nothing new about men sucking it up instead of putting their painful experience to rest.
I appreciate all the comments from readers, and I’m not averse to opposing attitudes. But, pointing your finger at women who have mistreated you as your rationale for doing the same to them only increases the emotional distance in relationships, and it won’t win any hearts.
The first principle to honor is that women are equal to men, and until men fully accept that premise, the angry finger pointing will continue, and relationships will remain contentious. Make the first move. Be open and honest and state your needs clearly. Most women will respond in kind and treat you with the same respect. Whether or not the demise of men becomes a reality has nothing to do with women, and everything to do with men’s attitudes.
My men’s group doesn’t allow whining because everyone knows from experience that it keeps the pain alive instead of addressing it and letting it go. Evolved men don’t hamstring themselves with self-pity. If you’re feeling hurt about the way a woman treated you, talking it out with other men will help you move beyond the pain and disappointment. Other men can also help put you on a better path with women. My new book, Act Like a Man, clearly demonstrates how men can successfully improve their relationships with women, and make lifelong men friends in the process.
Originally appeared Huffington Post.
—Photo dumbledad/Flickr
About Ken Solin
Whining is just complaining.
face palm….
Men are avoiding the financial/legal deathtrap of marriage and starting to think for themselves.
They are embracing women without losing themselves to the State’s Kafkaesque nightmare of “partnership” that comes with the signing of a marriage license.
It is a liberating journey of sexual and spiritual self-discovery.
“If a young man gets married, starts a family, and spends the rest of his life working at a soul-destroying job, he is held up as an example of virtue and responsibility. The other type of man, living only for himself, working only for himself, doing first one thing and then another simply because he enjoys it and because he has to keep only himself, sleeping where and when he wants, and facing woman when he meets her, on equal terms and not as one of a million slaves, is rejected by society. The free, unshackled man has no place in its midst.”
Esher Vilar – The Manipulated Man
Ken, you are being too vague. You have not, in my opinion, clearly articulated the difference between what you term as “whining” and “Encouraging him to open up and own his part of his issue. . .”
Are you saying there’s little benefit to complaining about one’s mate ad infinitum, and not facing one’s own? If so, you are correct in that. You can’t change her but you can change yourself, and thereby influence (but not change) her behaviour for the good.
You also make another incorrect statement, because it is far too broad, and simply not accurate:
“Men who treat women with respect and dignity will find few who will mistreat them in.”
That is only true if he has selected a partner who treats people in general, especially him, with respect and dignity. Sorry, Ken, but if she’s a selfish son of a gun before marriage, she is very likely going to continue to be a selfish son of a gun after marriage. If your wife has been a selfish son of a gun her whole life, sadly, there is nothing YOU can do to change her. Only she can.
It is a foolish and futiile mistake to imagine that you can change someone else. You can only influence them; they and only they can change themselves. I have told many, many people that the #1 key to marital success is to marry well in the first place. Marry a person who has the majority of the qualities that you want and need, such as /he treats you and others with respect and dignity.
Also, there are multiple forums in which to discuss problems, men’s groups perhaps being but one possibility. I have personally worked with couples and helped them each face their own part of the problem. Problems are very seldom if ever 100% one person 0% the other. Even if it’s 90% to 10%, that 10% needs addressed as well. And, the 10% person needs to acknowledge their 10% and no keep pointing at their mate’s 90%. That doesn’t work.
When a couple is having problems, it can be equally or more effective for them to work together and work independently, perhaps with an experienced and objective counselor/confidant of the same sex.
Well said, women are just as capable of sexism and assholery as men.
Yes, we are! (Sorry ’bout that—we’ll try to be better if you guys do. Pinkie swear?)
I’m in
Learn your share of history before making such ignorant comments again. Get your mind around patriarchy and male privilege – and come back then.
You’re the one who needs to learn history. Getting your mind around patriarchy and male privilige is a process of seeing that these terms are manipulative and depict men in a sexist and stereotypical light to facilitate a political agenda.
It’s called critical thinking.
The title “Guys, Stop Whining” implies the author thinks all men (or all men here?) are whining when they voice concerns, and also, the term whining is always aggressive when adults accuse each other of it.
The article made some good points (e.g., women achieving higher status doesn’t mean men are relegated to lower status), but the title and theme re:whining pretty much guarantees a comment section war zone.
I agree with the author that it’s time to cooperate and grow up and stop being so damned scared of those who don’t share your gender. I just find that using the word “whining” is somewhat demeaning to men. The article is otherwise so positive, and I hate to fixate on one word, but words are powerful, and I think in this case there was a more compassionate word (or probably a set of words) to address the insecurities some men have to deal with in a changing world.
“Whiner” or not, these things are rooted in insecurity. You can’t tell a man to “snap out of it” any more than you can tell a woman to “get over” her body issues, and in any case, those issues and insecurities are valid, and when someone is suffering in our society, physically or mentally, I’d rather end a hand than chastise them.
That sounded pretty critical, but I’m just finding the choice of the term “whining” questionable. Whining usually comes from some internal feeling rooted in some kind of valid experience.
this article is very stupid, and belongs on a feminist website.