Steven Lake Explores the Effects of Unemployment on Masculinity and Marriage. A Survival Story.
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I’ll tell you what happens. Stress goes up and self-esteem goes down, way down. It plummets like a diving hawk, a steep full on rush towards the earth with death at the end. This may sound a bit melodramatic but I assure you, for anyone going through an expected or unexpected job loss, the magnitude and ferocity of emotional shredding cannot be over exaggerated.
In North American culture, a man’s self-worth is highly tied to his job. When working, a man sees himself as being self-sufficient and capable of, at least taking care of himself, being accepted as a contributing member of society, and if he has a family, contributing to the well-being of his kids and wife.
There is a sense of pride in being a responsible contributing member in society. When I was young, being employed gave me a sense of freedom, a self-determination to decide how and where I spent my money and the choices I could make in life. Of course, with employment came certain limitations. I couldn’t sleep in whenever I wanted, I had to take direction from the boss, and I had to produce on demand.
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Being employed has social status. What is the first question asked at a social gathering – what do you do? Responding with, “Oh nothing, just couch surfing at the moment,” is looked upon with suspicion (and maybe envy), especially if you answered with a buoyant tone in your voice and a smile on your face. Happy slackers are a slap in the face to those of us busting our asses to keep up the mortgage payments.
There are a number of feelings or stages that one goes through when experiencing a loss of employment. I speak from both personal experience and the experience of my clients in sharing these effects. To say that job loss is traumatic is not an exaggeration. Marriages crumble, relationships suffer, bankruptcy looms if the job loss is sustained, and depression can lead to suicide, and the all too familiar – going on a homicidal rampage. And, lest we forget, impotence is a common outcome of job loss. Not a pretty picture.
PANIC
Often, the first emotion is panic. Questions race through the mind. How am I going to live, eat, pay the rent, etc.? Nine years ago, I sold my house, gave notice at work, sold the household goods, and moved from the prairies to the West Coast with my wife. This move was not on a whim. There was supposed be a major consulting contract waiting for me and I was invited to explore the possibility of working with a bunch of lawyers in a collaborative law practice. It was looking good and I was stoked. Unfortunately, it all went up in smoke within weeks of arriving. Lesson learned, get it in writing.
Back to panic. For me it was an internal freak out time. Why internal? Because I’m a guy and staying in emotional control is essential to my identity. Besides, I should be able to solve this problem and get back on track. It’s not like I haven’t been unemployed before. As an actor, there were many times I was unemployed. It’s kind of our lot in life. Going from audition to audition. I even had some money to carry us through – for a while anyways.
The problem with panic is that it is exhausting and has a devastating impact on the body, mind and soul. It is also not a good place from which to make decisions. The head is chock full of real and imagined possibilities and clear thinking becomes difficult.
ANGER
So, the panic is under control but I am really pissed off by the broken promises and how it is affecting my life plans. Here I am running around with barely supressed panic and my anger is becoming evident to others. It is especially noticeable in my intimate relationship. Being an angry guy is tiring and no fun for your spouse. This state of mine slowly but surely started to strain the relationship.
I was also angry at having to work with a reduced income. Hell, I had just spent a dozen years getting an advanced education, racked up a massive debt, and now the picture wasn’t looking so rosy. The dream was turning to ashes and leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Damn rights I was angry!
DEPRESSION
When unemployment goes on for an extended period of time, people can just give up. There is a sense of hopelessness that seeps into the soul. Being out of work is depressing for anyone but when it extends beyond expected timelines, when others are taking their frustrations out on you, when there seems to be no way out of the present circumstances – a clinical depression can set in.
You find yourself sleeping a lot. You are physically and emotionally lethargic. Your emotions are blunted and any task seems Herculean. This engages a vicious downward cycle as the lack of job-seeking or educating or re-educating entrenches the lack of hope which is confirmed by the continued unemployment and ongoing deterioration of your relationships.
SHAME
Shame is such a heavy duty word and it is a terrible feeling. I feel shameful if I have done something bad or, by my short-comings I have disappointed others. When unemployed, I was not able to provide for myself or my family. This deep sense of failure when unable to provide may even be genetic. The need to provide is about survival at its most basic level. Unfortunately, city dwellers cannot go out and hunt or start growing produce and if not for the support of family, friends or the government, we might indeed perish. We feel useless to ourselves and our family. We have lost the ability to take care, to provide, and to protect those we love. What good are we then?
But it gets worse. What happens if your partner gets work to support the family? It is like rubbing salt into the wound. Even when we know it should not affect us, and we should be thankful, our ego takes a bashing. Even if she was working before the job loss, the burden is now on her 100% and we feel bad about this. We are not pulling our own weight in the relationship from a financial perspective and it is galling.
ANXIETY
Until one gives up completely, there is anxiety. There is the anxiety of being constantly aware of how much things cost and what we are spending. There is the anxiety of looking in the paper and checking online for jobs. There is the anxiety of dealing with cynical government bureaucrats when trying to access support.
There is the anxiety that comes with not knowing what to do with the hours in the day. For someone who is used to working, being unemployed can be unbelievably boring. All your friends are at work during the day. TV sucks and your wife may be working, and if she is home, she does not want you breaking her routine, which you have already done just by being there.
Then there is the anxiety of not knowing how long this state of affairs will last.
RESENTMENT
Was it the economy, bad management, a rival, foreign competition, or most evil of words, outsourcing that screwed you? Humans have an insatiable need to understand how they got into their present circumstances. And when life goes against them there is a need to blame someone and if there is no handy bogeyman, the gods will do, or foreigners, or government.
You can even start to resent your wife. How come she can find work and you cannot. And now, maybe for the first time ever, you have to ask her for money.
SELF-DOUBT
Did I pick the right career, job, or field? Should I have taken Uncle Bob’s offer to join his company last year? Can I learn those new skills young people have? Am I too young, old, experienced, or inexperienced to ever get a job again? What will my kids think of me? How will I make up for lost time financially? Is my career track forever gone?
These, and a multitude of other questions, race through the mind on a daily basis making questioning oneself easy, resulting in an eroding of esteem as self-doubt swells like the carcass of a rotting animal leaving a stench that just won’t go away.
MASCULINITY
When I was out of work, the most distressing element was seeing the negative impact on my wife. It was stressful for her to be carrying the full financial burden. She had to increase her work hours, worry about money, wonder about my health, and interact with a husband who wasn’t a lot of fun to be around. This, without a doubt, but a strain on our marriage.
All of the above aspects that I have outlined come together and negatively impact one’s sense of masculinity. Whether you hold to traditional or non-traditional definitions of marriage or relationships, being unemployed requires a re-structuring of your reality to cope with changed circumstances. Obviously, the more flexible you are the quicker you will be able to adapt. If your definitions of masculinity are rigid, you may snap. Indeed, this is what has happened with many of my clients.
De-coupling identity from the job would be a first step in coping with unemployment. The second would be parsing out unemployment from masculinity. One way to do this is to reframe the situation and see the potential upsides of unemployment. They include but are not limited to:
- Time out to think and re-evaluate life and your place in it and how you want to be as a person.
- An opportunity to unhook “doing” from “being.”
- A holiday.
- A time to re-calculate your financial portfolio.
- Discovering what is truly important in life.
- Finding out who are your real friends. You know, the ones who stand by you through thick and thin.
- Assess your choice of work. Do you do it just for the money or is it something you love?
- It is a time to explore self-employment?
- Learning to rely on your spouse.
- Discovering that you are more than your job.
- Learning that you can’t control everything.
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The best way to maintain your libido and sense of masculinity is to avoid depression. You will have to create a full life even though you do not have a job. When I found myself without work I was angry at what had happened and at the people who I felt were responsible for my fate. The financial stain was enormous and we had to revamp our lifestyle and expenditures. I had to accept a reversal of roles as my wife became the primary source of family income for almost a year.
And, I took on a project. That was when I started writing my book. It gave be a focus and an outlet for my energies. It was also practical as it was a step in a long-term goal and would serve me in my future work. Furthermore, I felt useful and was doing something, not just sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I kept working out and playing sports with my friends. I kept my friends by continuing to see them during this challenging time.
Eventually, I found work in my profession. It was not perfect. The wage was crappy but the work was incredibly rewarding. I felt like I was contributing again, to the community and to my family. Eight years later, the book is finished, my relationship has weathered a storm and is stronger because of it, and my masculinity, if somewhat battered, has more character and is a lot wiser.
Photo: Flickr/Ferdinando Vella/Superman is Unemployed
Not sure if this is a relevant up to date article anymore. Seven years unemployed. Wife HAD TO go work and easily found work including a layoff and found re-employment 2 months later! Masculinity long gone. Marriage is sustained on a need-to basis. I am blamed for all of this unemployed mess. Grad school ripped me off with unlicensed psych degree that no one wants in their company-business. Just living daily, gym time and my girly-man duties as my wife kills herself at a job she hates. My major depression is somewhat suppressed only to care for special needs children.… Read more »
“Eventually, I found work in my profession. It was not perfect. The wage was crappy but the work was incredibly rewarding. I felt like I was contributing again, to the community and to my family. Eight years later, the book is finished, my relationship has weathered a storm and is stronger because of it, and my masculinity, if somewhat battered, has more character and is a lot wiser.” I think this is a key point Steven. Right now, my Mother is out of work and she is feeling depressed. Creating a project for yourself is a key ingredient to get… Read more »
Robin Williams had to keep working to support two ex-wives, and look what happened to him.
“IMO, the key to all of this is to live modestly, get rid of the notion that $’s and “things” will make you happy. Be happy in your job and enjoy life and enjoy your life with your family.”
I agree with that statement.
The only problem is, even the simple things are becoming more expensive.
I just try to enjoy life with what little I have.
Angelguy
Way to go angelguy. I know what you mean. It’s like trying to eat “healthy” yet ‘healthy” foods are substantially more expensive.
Okay, so now that women are in the business / corporate world, are things shifting? Feminism placed and still places a lot of self worth on their “achievements.” Let’s be honest, since the pendulum has started swinging the other way, women are now experiencing that which men have for many years and that’s anxiety, high BP, heart problems etc. So what are we going to have 50 years from now (thank God I won’t be around) men and women just floating through life? I guess I would be one of those hetero-motives. Sole supporter of the family, SAH wife/mom. I… Read more »
RESENTMENT Was it the economy, bad management, a rival, foreign competition, or most evil of words, outsourcing that screwed you? Humans have an insatiable need to understand how they got into their present circumstances. And when life goes against them there is a need to blame someone and if there is no handy bogeyman, the gods will do, or foreigners, or government. You can even start to resent your wife. How come she can find work and you cannot. And now, maybe for the first time ever, you have to ask her for money. ” ….. and this, along with… Read more »
Hi Lynn: I also notice that along with entitlement comes rigid thinking, an unwillingness to incorporate a changing environment into a new reality. They want life to be as it was, not as it is.
Sorry, Steven, I have to disagree with you here. This isn’t what happens to men – it’s what happens to men who’ve taken the BLUE PILL – ie men who have bought into the dominant hetero-normative matrix that impinges upon our consciousness, and of which too many men are unaware. For men who take the RED PILL – consciously rejecting the dominant hetero-normative matrix and narrative, their self-esteem doesn’t take a huge hit simply because they’re in between jobs. They don’t measure their self-worth that way – and they certainly don’t let others (particularly women) measure it that way either.… Read more »
Hi Bill: Maybe I didn’t express myself well. I want the RED PILL too. As for the relationship to work and unemployment, I think these lines in the article are similar to your sentiment: “De-coupling identity from the job would be a first step in coping with unemployment” and “You will have to create a full life even though you do not have a job.” I am describing the men I see in my therapy practice, not reality as I would prefer it. FYI, the men in my practice range in age from 20 – 65. There is a lessening… Read more »