Andrew Smiler insists that we need to reframe Valentine’s Day to make it less about buying jewelry for ladies, and more about expressing love for one another.
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I’ve always been told Valentine’s Day is a holiday that celebrates love—a couple’s love for each other, not just a man’s love for a woman. Or her love of him, for that matter. It’s supposed to be about them. Yet everything I’ve learned about how to act on Valentine’s day tells me that it’s really about his love for her.
As a teen and throughout college, it was very clear to me that guys with girlfriends were supposed to go out of their way to do something special, something romantic, for their partner. It could be a gift, fancy dinner or something else. Whatever the activity was, he was supposed to do something to make her feel special.
The commercialization of Valentine’s day sends this message quite clearly: He buys her something nice, like jewelry, and she shows how happy she is with sex (or a kiss, at least). Commercials from Kay Jewelers are a prime example. Over and over, they show me a man who gives his wife/girlfriend a piece of jewelry; in return, he gets a deep kiss and, presumably, sex. You can see it as cute. Or romantic. Or traditional. But for me, it’s regressive and reinforces sex roles I thought we’d gotten away from. And I’m not talking about the trading-sex-for-jewelry theme.
Ads like these, and the TV shows that show him going to great lengths to create the Best Date Ever, make Valentine’s day all about her. She gets taken someplace special. They do something she likes; he may or may not like it. She receives gifts.
What does he get? Laid, presumably. There’s a cliché about guys buying lingerie as gifts. Let’s assume she’s part of that sexual encounter and enjoys it, in much the same way that he’s part of that nice dinner and probably enjoys it.
What else does he get? Any gifts? Special treatment from his sweetie? It doesn’t seem like it. Every now and again, I’ll see a commercial where he gets a watch, but I don’t see that commercial every year and even when I see it, it appears maybe one-tenth as much as the commercials where he buys her something.
This image of Valentine’s day doesn’t really fit my conception of equality. I’ll admit that I may be more egalitarian than average, but the average has become quite egalitarian over the years. One study revealed that from the early 1970s through the mid-1990s, undergraduate men became notably more egalitarian over the years. If we’re that into equality, why such a one-sided celebration of love and romance?
Stereotypes about boys and men are part of the answer. As a culture, we’ve convinced ourselves that guys are only interested in sex and want to avoid any kind of relational commitment. They don’t want romance and they don’t want to talk about or say the word “love.”
Multiple studies have demonstrated that teenage boys and young men enjoy relationships because of the person they’re dating. But that doesn’t fit our stereotype of boys as sex-driven and relationship-phobic, so we ignore their feelings or see that particular guy as the exception. His feelings don’t really seem to be a major part of Valentine’s Day.
On this holiday for couples, I think we should start recognizing and celebrating men’s contributions to romance and their love for their partners. Doing this will help affirm that he’s an important part of the couple and not just an accessory to her romantic life. If he’s going to go to all that effort and spend all that money to show how much he loves her, shouldn’t he get something more than a smile and possibly sex? If it’s just about sex, why not get a prostitute? That would take less time, effort and money.
Changing our habits to recognize his feelings would also help combat the stereotype of men as unemotional and sex-driven. After all, there are very few guys who only sleep around and never have a partner, and the vast majority of guys report two or fewer sexual partners in any given year.
Doing Valentine’s Day differently will take some work and in most cases, that’ll mean some conversation before the holiday arrives. After all, you wouldn’t both want to make elaborate plans for the same day. If you know a same-sex couple, you might ask them for some help. Without the guidance of gender stereotypes, they’ve had to talk it through.
The easiest thing might be to celebrate Valentine’s day twice, once for her and once for him, so to speak. I’m sure the business community will like that. Who goes first or gets February 14 can either rotate from one year to the next or can go to the person who seems more invested in the holiday.
Another possibility is to find an activity that both members of the couple like and feel is sufficiently romantic. A nice dinner out is the obvious choice, but it could also be something reminiscent of their first date, an evening out dancing, or some other shared activity.
Or they could just take turns; one year Valentine’s Day is for her and the next year, it’s for him. This makes more sense for couples that are clearly committed to a long-term relationship. It might also add some variety, because it won’t necessarily be the same thing every year and it can be quite different than what happens on their anniversary.
One more thing. Guys? If she buys you a sexy pair of underwear, remember to act excited about the gift and make sure you wear them.
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Originally appeared at Huffington Post and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
It really pisses me off when the media makes it out to be that sex is something that a woman gives a man, and not something that they give each other. It is almost portrayed as if only men like sex and women do it as a favor to men. This is downright sexist. From my experience in life, many women, and when I was younger teenage girls I’ve been around, spoke about men and sex like boys speak about girls and sex. They spoke frankly about their sexual ambitions and how attractive they found certain boys/men whether the crush… Read more »
Leontion…I fail to see how pretending that women DON’T rape and abuse others helps anyone but women.
I agree with the article, if I understood it correctly. V-Day could be a day where 2 members of a couple check up on whether they’re acknowledging each others’ feelings, efforts, making enough time/space for the relationship, even if, sure, these things need to be done more than once a year. I think it’s a great idea to ask each other what the other wants for V-Day, and not necessarily including things that can be bought with money. This year, one thing you can do for the significant woman (en) in you life, men, that doesn’t cost money, is join… Read more »
Reforming Valentine’s Day is like trying to put lipstick on a pig( yes I stole this line from some politician) and call it something else.Why then don’t we exploit another stereotype; that all women don’t want sex,and name a holiday to fix the problem.Let’s call it the female partner has to fuck me day, whether she wants to or not. The very idea of devising a so called holiday, which in the case of Valentine’s Day amounts to culturally sanctified passive aggressive manipulation of men by women, to guilt an entire culture into compliance is bizarrely evil.Not to mention disingenuous… Read more »
Wow, you make it sound so apocalyptic. I’m thinking more along the lines of a “Festivus for the rest of us” to tilt the balance.
What about the average guy who is doing all those things? In 30+years my wife has set up a grand total of 7 date nights……mostly in the last year and using groupons etc that I’d ferreted out. I’m sure I’m not in the minority on this……V day is just another cultural expectation most guys know they have to fulfill. It blows. Most women barely have a clue when their mate is depressed, sad, etc. Mainstream media, cultural habit all allow many women to blind themselves to the idea that men have the same emotional range they themselves have. We’re all… Read more »
Jewelry aside, which is driven by marketing, I think one aspect of Valentine’s Day is the feeling that men are NOT “romantic” 364 days of the year and women want just one day where the man is required to “be romantic” and make them feel special. Like most stereotypes, it’s an oversimplification but also has a grain of truth. I look forward to Valentine’s Day because often, I’m frustrated that my boyfriend never does anything to make me feel special. Don’t get me wrong, we have a great relationship, but he’s happy with a status quo day after day that… Read more »
Fair enough Leia, but this makes it sound like V-Day is all about you: are you getting recognized for what you do for him. I think that’s a question that should be asked, and discussed with him, regularly. And to be balanced, I wonder how he’d answer the questions you posted if they were flipped: do you really appreciate/notice all those things you do for him? Doing this as conversation – and not on a “loaded” day like Valentine’s Day – could really strengthen your relationship.
To me, V-Day is a kind of like a relationship check-point day…Does he really appreciate all the things you do for him? Does he even notice what really goes on…even though you don’t say anything or call him out on stuff? Is it going to be the last minute Korean grocer bouquet (with slightly wilting petals on the periphery) that he remembers to buy after a night out with his drinking buddy? Do you get get one nice day so you can forget all the BS on the other 364 days of the year?
The inequality behind Valentine’s Day is precisely the reason we invented March 14th: Steak and a Blowjob Day.
http://www.breakfastmeat.com/steakandbjday.html
Turnabout is fair play.
That’s one way to do “his” and “hers” events.
Plus, it’s a lot easier to shop for! No mind-reading required.
Considering that’s something my husband gets whenever he wants, I don’t think that’d be a very special experience for him. I’ll carry on doing what I do now, Valentine’s candy, a piece of jewelry for him (my husband loves jewelry, the gothier the better) and when we’re in the same country a nice dinner out or a home cooked meal.
There’s also the Japanese way, which is Valentine’s day and White Day, on Valentine’s day girls give the boys they like chocolate and on White day boys reciprocate with exotic underwear.
There’s also the Japanese way, which is Valentine’s day and White Day, on Valentine’s day girls give the boys they like chocolate and on White day boys reciprocate with exotic underwear.
i didnt know that. i like the general idea
I wish it was chocolate both times or exotic underwear both times though, because it seems like “Here is something tasty to eat” and in return “here is something you can wear to look hot for me” seems a little unfair.
Comments like this should irritate anyone who is forward-thinking, not just women. I do not participate in valentine’s day whether i have a boyfriend or not, and i certainly to not participate in “steak and bj” day. If my boyfriend deserves a steak and a bj, he’ll get one. Just like if I deserve jewelery, I’ll get it…I’m not that type of girl but that’s not the point. I don’t need a day that mandates that I give my boyfriend a bj, just like he doesn’t need one day a year that forces him to be romantic. I mean, does… Read more »
Umm, the point of the joke–and yes, Steak & BJ Day is a joke–is to illuminate exactly what you just said about Valentine’s Day. You find it offensive? Exactly–just like Valentine’s Day is offensive, and more people need to wake up to that fact.
“Spend Money On Your Woman Day” is a made-up holiday with a ton of offensive and demeaning messages for both men and women… so why aren’t more women speaking up like you to ignore this phoney-baloney ritual?
Please, no, let’s not double up on Valentine’s day.
I wholeheartedly agree. I like the sentiment but am veryvery worried about the commercialization.