I stared at my wife who was sitting with her arms crossed. Later in the day, we got in a fight during one of the exercises.
I kept obsessing with my wife’s inability to take responsibility for any conflicts we were having, including the ones arising in this workshop. The drive home seethed with silence and discomfort.
I realized that I was not taking responsibility for my part in the conflict because I wanted my wife to take responsibility for her role.
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Months later, I realized that I was not taking responsibility for my part in the conflict because I wanted my wife to take responsibility for her role. The classic, “I’m not going to surrender until you surrender first” standoff.
One of the most challenging and powerful aspects of Ho’oponopono is the insistence to take 100% responsibility for anything arising in your experience. Ho’oponopono literally means to make right (ho’o) more right (pono) or to make righteous more righteous (pono). The word righteous often traps me in arrogance, so I like to think of ho’oponopono as to make divinity more divine.
What is implied in ho’oponopono is the concept of “I ka pono mea”—everything is righteous/divine. What I fail to recognize when I want to blame my wife for a dispute is that she is already right/righteous/divine. The only thing causing drama/conflict/trouble (pilikia) is my mind/ego.
What I fail to recognize when I want to blame my wife for a dispute is that she is already right/righteous/divine. The only thing causing drama/conflict/trouble (pilikia) is my mind/ego.
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When Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len walked into the Hawaii State Hospital ward for the criminally insane over 30 years ago, he took 100% responsibility for all the murderers and rapists. He looked inside himself and asked, “What in me is causing me to experience this aspect of reality?” Then he healed these disruptions inside himself by repeating to himself, “I love you; I’m sorry; please forgive me: thank you.”
Dr. Len was not apologizing to the patients or even himself. He was apologizing, recognizing, thanking, and asking for forgiveness from the divine. He was taking responsibility for his role in creating the drama/conflict/trouble (pilikia).
Within months, patients started to change, heal, and leave the ward. Within a few years, the mental ward for the criminally insane was closed because all the patients had been released or transferred.
Using Dr. Len as a role model, I have committed myself to practicing Ho’oponopono with my wife. When she told my sons, “Your father is an idiot,” I took responsibility for this pilikia and repeated in my mind, “I’m so sorry; I love you; please forgive me; and thank you.” I no longer react to this disrespect. As Alice Miller says, “Disrespect is a weapon of the weak.” Anyone who breaks off from the divine is in a position of weakness.
I should point out that I don’t expect my wife to change. I have no idea what the future holds for us. The funny thing about practicing ho’oponopono is that you put faith in a higher power. The higher power might make my wife see her role in her own suffering or it might make my wife disappear. Either way, my job is to keep “cleaning”—repeat over and over silently, “I am so sorry; I love you; please forgive me; and thank you.”
I suspect that some of you may think that I am crazy or masochistic. My response would be the same thing I told my sons the other day: “When someone is pilikia, you have a choice. You can react and be pilikia yourself or you can have compassion for their suffering and be pono.”
I am thankful for my wife, especially when she is pilikia. She deepens my love, compassion, gratitude, and connection with the divine.
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I finally understand what the Dalai Lama was talking about when he said that he is thankful for the Chinese government, who has kept him in exile for over half a century, tortured his people, and burned his monasteries. I am thankful for my wife, especially when she is pilikia. She deepens my love, compassion, gratitude, and connection with the divine.
One of my aikido masters had a similar attitude. Every time I attacked him (or often right before I attacked him), he would smile and say, “Yes!” It felt like he was saying, “Thank you for attacking me, so we can bring harmony back into the universe.”
Every relationship we have is an opportunity to deepen into pono or pilikia. If we take 100% responsibility and respond with love, forgiveness, and gratitude, we might one day realize what it means to make divinity more divine.
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo: Shutterstock
Hi Mr. Kozo,
Thank you for this article and for sharing your personal experienced. I am curious as to how is your present relationship with your wife since practicing ho’oponopono.
Hi kozo. I am Nikunj from india..i am going through relationship issue now..and due to this my relationship is on verge of break up..i shared this to my brother and one friend and they both asked me to practice ho’oponopono to solve my issue..so i was researching on this over internet and i came across your article..can you please help me with this like what exactly should i do or practice to solve my relationship problem and save my relation from break up..please help.
just say ..i am sory….please forgive me….ilove you…..thank you…as much time you can say throughout the day
I love this article and wanted to post it on Facebook. When I posted the link a really scary imagine of a woman face being violently held with duct tape over her mouth showed up as part of the article. She looked scared. I immediately took down the article. Please don’t put picture of violence against women in your articles. Please. I know some people this article could help, but that image could trigger bad experiences that happened in their lives.
Brooke,
I’m sorry you were triggered by the image. I changed the image the first day, but it still seems to show up on the facebook share.
I find these moments when we get triggered perfect opportunities to do Ho’oponopono. “I’m so sorry; I love you; please forgive me; and thank you.”
{{{hugs}}}} Kozo
Hey, I mean no disrespect here, Kozo; however, you have the method of ho’oponopono wrong. I am Native Hawaiian. It is my culture that you are speaking of, and we practice ho’oponopono. It is not practiced within oneself, nor is it non-verbal. It is much more in depth than what you state here. Dare I say, you have it ALL WRONG. Please do some better research on things like this, as it is a serious thing (in my family it is, at least).
Pilialoha, Thank you for your comment. I realize that there are different practices of Ho’oponopono. I mean no disrespect to your family or culture. The practice I delineate here comes from Morrnah Simeona. She re-introduced the practice after years of dormancy. Ihaleakela Hew Len spread the practice with his work at the Hawaii State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. I know there are different versions of Ho’oponopono. Aunty Mahealani Kuamo’o-Henry has talked about how Morrnah’s version is not the true practice. As with any ancient practice, there are going to be problems, discussions, and discrepancies as time passes. This particular… Read more »
So some of this makes sense. I heard about this phrase about a year ago… And it intrigues me. I wonder where the personal growth comes from in it’s use. I believe in honoring the divine in each of us and yet saying this out loud to someone might come across as condescending. Are you saying it for yourself only? Are you saying silently, to yourself to get you through and to remind yourself to be humble during conflict? I know I feel good when I believe my partner hears and understands me. Sure, practicing humbleness might make this more… Read more »
Laura,
I say it to myself. I don’t say it out loud to the person. I say it to myself to take full responsibility for the interactions that I am creating in my life. Taking 100% responsibility is key. When I let go of my need to control, I slip into a flow that allows for true healing–both mine and others. All I can say is give it a try.
I know as a woman I have been trained to be an “over apologizer”. Forgive me for existing kind of thing. Its been quite a road in recognizing this. One that I’m still on. So forgive me for my skepticism. Another thing I have always wondered about , is “femine” natures and Buddhism. Like the natural drive if attachment linked with a “mothering” instinct and the journey of detachment….hmmmm. Interesting… Still willing to try.
Laura, I hear you on the “forgive me for existing” thing. In its deeper practice, the forgiveness here is not to others but to ourselves–our true selves, our inner child. This self deserves to exist. This self is pure and beautiful. We often ignore this inner child when we listen to the critical inner voice that tells us that we are no good, impure, ugly, or unlovable. I apologize to this inner child and true self when I do this practice. I apologize for not recognizing the beauty, love, and perfection that it has always been. Also, I was just… Read more »
Oh my dear lord, I started reading the Good Men Project cos you seemed to offer the other side of the feminism/equality coin, but DID YOU ALL SERIOUSLY THINK IT WAS OK TO USE THAT IMAGE.
This is a decent and interesting article, which might help out a lot of people, but why would you run it with such a horrible and potentially triggering image.
Are you all that insensitive? Please, clean your act up.
Lulu,
I’m so sorry; I love you; please forgive me, and thank you. Thank you for letting me practice Ho’oponopono. Sorry for the suffering I caused you. Love, Kozo
The photo has been changed.
When the Wise Priestess of the Temple showed the direction of the Path to the pilgrim, the pilgrim’s gaze became fixated on the Priestess’s finger.
The pilgrim never made it pass the Temple…
Francois,
This reminds me of Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon: “It is like a finger pointing at the moon…don’t concentrate on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly glory.”
“I’m so sorry; I love you; please forgive me; and thank you.” …..HAVE A GREAT DAY………AND………. THANK -YOU!!!!! AGAIN!
Thank you, Julie, for reading. Kozo