Daniel Dowling wants your relationship to be everything you want it to be. And he’s got some advice to help you make that happen.
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We live in a paradoxical world of having our cake and eating it too. This perception keeps us from being present in our relationships and causes endless frustration. In this perception, we are always outside of complete fulfillment, both in and outside of marriage. In this perception, a single man misses out on the social expectations of marriage and children while indulging in all the fun. Similarly, marriage is typically seen as a compromise to the sexual fulfillment and boundless fun that is associated with bachelorhood.
It’s like the inner circle of hell as describe by Dante: Two lovers, naked and primed for each other, but eternally unable to fulfill their desire; always separated by that infinitesimal gap.
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On each side of the fence the grass looks more appealing, and this leads men into and out of relationships with debris trails in their wake. In this perception, you will see men marrying and divorcing, marrying and divorcing, while never having gained an ounce of satisfaction. It’s like the inner circle of hell as describe by Dante: Two lovers, naked and primed for each other, but eternally unable to fulfill their desire; always separated by that infinitesimal gap. That gap is something that most men internalize in our culture because we are so easily swayed by lust and pleasure, but at the same time, so heavily influenced by social norms, like raising a family.
We have been trained to view marriage as an automatic ticket to fulfillment, and that the natural institution of marriage will somehow provide for us what we must really give ourselves. We have been trained to think of bachelorhood as a time of reckless abandon and hedonism that must be cycled through before we can participate in family life. But in practicing those thoughts and behaviors, we prepare an uneven and broken foundation for the marriages we enter.
For us to engage in lifelong and fulfilling relationships that contribute peace to our lives and our communities, we must destroy the gap in our minds. We must decimate the fence that separates fulfillment from pleasure and combine the two. We must retrain our minds as men to accept family living as the greatest challenge and the greatest adventure. We must prepare our lives to be fulfilled and significant before we enter into lifelong unions. We must prepare our minds to perceive women as more than the objects of pleasure that we have been conditioned to see.
Why must a man do all of this?
If we don’t … We will pass on the same brokenness that we inherited on to our children, and they will be forced to deal with our problems while experiencing the same depression, insecurity, anxiety and unhappiness that we do today. It’s like us wrecking the planet and somehow being fine with passing that on to our kids, but internal.
How does a man do all of this? The following healthy habits will help you train for the lifelong success and meaning that you long for in relationships.
Think “life” when you see beautiful women
This habit is an antidote to the mass objectification that has emasculated male culture. We have been taught to see women as outlets to plug into pleasure, and that has resulted in an inability to meaningfully connect with them. Our relationships are more nuanced than plugging into an outlet, and keeping them healthy requires tremendous amounts of attention—emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
When you practice the pleasure plug in with porn,you strip yourself of the ability to attend to the real needs of a woman. In her needs you will find endless challenge, fulfillment and satisfaction for a lifetime.
What is life but an adventure? What is an adventure but unknown challenge? What is a challenge but something that changes us to become better and stronger? The practice of viewing women as objects of pleasure sucks the life out of a man so that he has nothing of value to offer in a relationship. That practice leads to this internal dialogue, however unrecognized it may be- “You are only as valuable as your ability to satisfy my lust.” How noble and romantic is that? Through the pleasure plug-in, all adventure is forsaken because of a fixation on the known.
It goes something like this: “I know that if I come in contact with her sexy body, I will find the feelings that I so desire.” The problem with the pleasure plug-in is that the feeling of pleasure is already known; there is not much more to discover, and the goal is the destination. This limits life, because life is occurring in all moments, and not just when we reach our desired goals.
The quickest way to fix this problem of perception is by thinking “life” when you see the beauty of a woman to whom you’re attracted. Rather than thinking about what you would do with her parts, offer up a prayer for her successful marriage, and feel happy for the person who marries her. When you train yourself to view women this way, you begin to see the adventure that comes through knowing her while asking what you can offer to participate.
When you see life instead of pleasure, the journey becomes the destination, and pleasure is a very natural part of that.
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When you see life instead of pleasure, the journey becomes the destination, and pleasure is a very natural part of that. When you associate women with life, you are training yourself for the adventure of a lifetime: fatherhood and marriage. Each child is entirely unknown from their personality to their temperament, to their physical features and needs. And they rely on you for support, encouragement, and guidance in developing their own unique person.
No greater challenge can be taken on by a man than that of fatherhood and family. When you associate women with life, you are preparing yourself to have adventure, challenge and pleasure in your marriage. Hence; no fence.
Viewing pornography and engaging in empty physical relationships only reinforces “Object, Object, Object!!!” to your brain, so be warned that they will not serve your lasting happiness. Statistically, the marriage satisfaction rating between people and inanimate objects is dismal. So, it’s important to retrain your brain to accommodate all of a woman, which includes the things you can’t see even when she’s naked. If you practice viewing your potential mates as complex beings, body, mind spirit and emotion, and that you can be fulfilled in serving them, then you will succeed. If you practice viewing your potential mates as disconnected pixels that only serve your pleasure, you will fail.
Embrace Commitment
Practicing commitment is enormously important, so each section of commitment will command a number of its own.
Commitment is neither made of luck, nor of sexual attraction. It is neither conjured up by the institution of marriage, nor is it cemented by intercourse. Since a lack of commitment is inarguably the determining factor in divorce and unhappy relationships, practicing commitment with yourself every day is a sure way to prepare for your successful relationships. Think of the law of attraction: Like attracts like. It’s the most common sense and foolproof way to get what you want and to be your best self.
Meaning and significance are not born of marriage; they are expressed through it.
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Meaning and significance are not born of marriage; they are expressed through it. If you haven’t developed your own meaning and significance to offer in a relationship, there is no saving you from failure and heartache.
So, what commitment can you practice that will prepare you for a lasting relationship?
1. Commit to your body
You can’t have a relationship without having a body—#humanprobs. Your body is an important part of your relationship, so commit yourself to taking care of it as best you can. You want to give your sexiest and healthiest self to your wife, so practice your commitment to her now by taking exquisite care of the gift you will give her. Plan 5 days of vigorous activity a week for 30 minutes or more. Eat real food, and don’t eat food that has ingredients you can’t pronounce. You can’t be part of a lasting relationship if you are prematurely dead, so commit to your health.
2. Commit to your mind
Your mind will be your spouse’s greatest playground, so commit yourself to sharpening it each day. Wait, that doesn’t sound right; sharpening a playground sounds dangerous. You get the point!
How you do that best is up to you, but simple activities like reading, solving puzzles, listening to classical music, and playing music will keep you sharp as a tack if you do them every day. The idea is to be engaged. If you adopt a never-bored attitude, you will find yourself learning more and being present to the world around you. What could be better in a relationship than a never-bored attitude? It’s sort of a requirement for the lifelong happiness thing. Bonus: keeping physically fit has a resounding impact on mental acuity.
3. Commit to your children
If you aren’t committed to your children, then you won’t be committed to their greatest success. Their success is directly connected to the fate of this planet, just as yours is.
Your children’s greatest success will come from loving parents who provide security and an abundance of love for them. One of the best ways to commit to your children and solidify your future relationship is by associating children with your sexual desire.
If you divorce the idea of children (life) from sexuality, then children will not be accounted for if and when they do come along.
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That may sound weird at first, but think of the converse: If you divorce the idea of children (life) from sexuality, then children will not be accounted for if and when they do come along. Who wants to be planned for? Who wants to be wanted? These are natural desires because we need them—and your children need to feel desired and planned for.
Many men who start out not wanting children eventually find themselves being fathers. So, I believe it benefits men to associate their future children with their sexual desire. See that beautiful woman? She is the bearer of life, and through your sexual desire, you can both come to know children. We suffer when we are disconnected, whether that be from our natural environment, or the natural consequences of our actions in our minds.
If you think of your sexual desire in this holistic way, you will be respecting the women who inspire you and the children who may be born of your inspiration. It goes without saying that all of this leads to unparalleled fulfillment, sexual satisfaction, and longevity in relationships.
Channel Your Sexual Desire
This might sound odd and unfamiliar to you because of how strangely repressive our culture is. Talking about sex is seen as taboo, so we don’t really do it. But on the other hand, pornography in our culture has become rampant, and so have harmful and premature sexual relationships.
These things are so pronounced now specifically because of our repressive culture, which might seem paradoxical. But, if you don’t communicate openly about sex and what is and isn’t appropriate, you can’t have a realistic guide for what is healthy sexuality. Thus, repression leads to oppression. When you are oppressed, you are enslaved. When pornography contributes to 500,000 divorces a year, you can’t call that freedom.
If you want freedom, you have to acknowledge your sexual desire and channel it intelligently throughout your whole life. We are sexual beings, so everything we do is sexual. Now, whether that is appropriate or not is entirely up to you.
When I first was breaking away from a porn addiction, I started to assess seriously how I felt. When I felt compelled to look at porn, I would ask myself, “Why are you feeling this way?” I quickly realized that oftentimes, looking at pornography was just an inappropriate response for the need to provide as a man. So, if I’m feeling impulsive, I automatically think, “What have I not accomplished today that I need to?”
Sexual desire is a beautiful thing, and it is here to motivate us to become the best people that we can be. By acknowledging your sexual desire and acting intelligently upon it, you will prepare yourself for lasting success in a relationship in myriad ways.
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This way, I’m channeling my sexual desire into my work. The more I kick ass at work, the better I will be able to provide for my family. Sexual desire is a beautiful thing, and it is here to motivate us to become the best people that we can be. By acknowledging your sexual desire and acting intelligently upon it, you will prepare yourself for lasting success in a relationship in myriad ways.
To be clear, our work and profession is not the only place where we can channel our sexual desire. It can be channeled into everything we do! From physical fitness to spiritual fitness, community building, friendships and dating, to our hobbies and passions, desire can be intelligently and beautifully used as fuel. The key to unlocking the potential of your sexual desire is this simple question: “Is this what is best for me and my future family?” Once you keep that question on your mind, you can reframe your desire to suit your growth, and that is where real freedom is found.
Understand Freedom
Freedom is what makes life living for, and it is a choice. By and large, we men have become conditioned to view marriage as an impediment to our freedom. Phrases like, “the old ball and chain,” and “my future ex wife” certainly attest to that statement. How could you possibly expect to be happy within something you’ve been subconsciously programmed to regard as slavery?
Life isn’t worth living unless it is free, so our marriages will mean nothing unless we regard them as a natural extension of our freedom. This takes some practice, though, because of how intensely conditioned we are to the opposite.
Who were your role models as a kid or as a young man? I know that for myself, Hugh Hefner was who all of my friends aspired to be. So many of the NBA and NFL athletes that I admired were prolific for their misogyny and abusiveness. Myriad rockstars exemplified zero discipline and a disdain for committed love. I can think of too many lines from a childhood “hero,” who goes by the name Eminem, who spoke of abusing and degrading women while pretending manliness. What could those traits prepare me for but temporary pleasure at the expense of my future? When I look back, I can’t think of one mainstream man I looked up to who could be a good role model for behavior in a relationship, but that was my vision of freedom in those days.
As intelligent men, we must redefine freedom. Freedom is not a lack of responsibility but embracing those responsibilities that call us to achieve our highest selves.
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As intelligent men, we must redefine freedom. Freedom is not a lack of responsibility but embracing those responsibilities that call us to achieve our highest selves. Freedom is worth fighting for.
I’ll fight to make sure that I have an opportunity to be part of a lasting and significant family that knows abundance. I’ll fight to ensure my family has what they need to experience the full richness of life. I’ll fight for peace in my community and within my family. The biggest front you will be fighting on is your own mind. So, train your brain to associate freedom with family.
You can start by picking new male role models; ones who express their manliness through virtue, through family, and through kindness. Look to these men as examples of what it truly means to be free. Some notable men worth researching are:
John Gray, Jason Evert, GK Chesterton, Matt Fradd, Brendon Burchard, and William Ury. Russell Brand is a great example for the younger generation, because he vociferously (and hilariously) challenges the norms that keep us enslaved. These are but a few exceptional men among many who will portray a much more realistic and worthwhile portrait of freedom that you can emulate to great effect.
Cheers to your happy wives, your secure children, your peaceful communities, and your healthy relationships!
Photo—Chris Price/Flickr
Daniel, After reading your replies to comments, I now have a greater sense and appreciation of your position…..I remain a bit skeptical… I always only wanted a lifelong commitment and fulfilling marriage to one woman. One full of adventure, passion, love, sex with the family as the center/core…..I was never interested in serial dating, casual sex,…….It still to this day has no appeal to me. But, that lifelong and fulfilling marriage has proven quite elusive. But, I like most humans am a sexual being. So, I am challenged to be true to myself. I think the key is that we… Read more »
Revolutions aren’t comfortable, so I wouldn’t be doing my job if most people agreed with my writing. It is shocking and offensive to see something that runs so counter to your beliefs and lifestyle. It is not comfortable to be so deliberately challenged.
Thanks for the nice poem. Take care, Jules!
Hi Jules This is a lovely poem ,thank you. You asked me above if this article was simplistic. I do not want to use that word,because it is something with Daniel I like a lot,he has values I like. Of course it is impossible to give perfect advice to men in a short article like this one. I even disagree with several things he says,but the values he expressed make me want to protect him. We all have to be careful about how we respond online. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/03/opinion/sunday/this-story-stinks.html?_r=2 I am often negative in my comments here on GMP and I will… Read more »
Daniel, Thanks for the creative and challenging ideas about love, relationship, and the habits of health. As a man on the path of healing myself, my relationships, and the planet, I feel we can all benefit from sharing our journey. I’ve been married for 35 years and my wife and I have 5 children and 15 grandchildren. Its the third marriage for both of us, so we’ve learned a lot about what doesn’t work well and what does. I’m working on a new book on relationships and appreciate your thoughtful ideas and experience.
Jed,
You are most welcome. I’m so glad you had the courage to believe in marriage after two unsuccessful tries and the intelligence to make it work for you. I bet you guys have an enormously happy family!
Thanks again for the positive feedback and encouragement, as well as the slice into your life. If you need a proofread and feedback, feel free to send your book along to me. — All the best to you and your fam- Dan
“Many men who start out not wanting children eventually find themselves being fathers. So, I believe it benefits men to associate their future children with their sexual desire. ” If a man does not want to have children…….That’s Okay and he probably shouldn’t have them. Sexuality and children are no longer directly linked. Women who have sex are not seen as therefor consenting to bear children, we’ve had a huge political movement to cleave those disparate ideas apart. Men who have sex also are should not be held as implicitly consenting fatherhood either. Most people have had sex with others… Read more »
Trey- Thanks for the comment! I wholeheartedly embrace dissenting opinion; that is where freedom is protected. Now, common sense tells me that if a man is not open to children, he should be engaged in a more fruitful and constructive application of his time. Our society has been stripped of common sense so that we may be fully consumed (and controlled) by our pleasure. The “Sexual Liberation” you speak of has done nothing to increase meaningful and lasting human connection, so, I do not recognize it to be of any good. It has increased a person’s ability to extract pleasure… Read more »
I don’t know, but the “channel your sexual desire” chapter makes it sound like sex is just a cookie to be hold in front of our nose, a reward or a prize for a job well done. And not for mutual joy and desire.
Here is my thinking, FlyingKai- You can either become a slave to your sexual desire and reap negative consequences (i.e, broken families, heartache, stds, etc), OR, you can refine your ability to transmute that desire as energy into all that you do. When you choose the latter, you have increased confidence, competence, self worth, purpose, drive and success. Also, when you choose to master your sexual desire, you will be at full potency to gift yourself entirely to the one you love. That is where real intimacy and mutual joy is found. I believe that is found in marriage. Sexual… Read more »
To answer your rhetorical question, no. This is not a joke. This is the truth for prepared men who accept the challenge. My job is to help prepare men for this challenge, and believe me when I tell you- It is beyond satisfying. The world crumbles for a lack of simplicity. Beautiful simplicity. At no point in the article did I suggest we stop valuing the beauty and sexuality of women. They are important qualities in a lasting relationship and they should be cherished, respected and defended by courageous and intelligent men. Marriage is the culmination of sexual and creative… Read more »
“In her needs you will find endless challenge, fulfillment and satisfaction for a lifetime.” Is this a joke? Seriously. “When you associate women with life, you are preparing yourself to have adventure, challenge and pleasure in your marriage. Hence; no fence.” I agree that we men must stop valuing women for their beauty and sex….No argument here. Men who do this and make their decision to marry a woman based on sex and beauty are stupid. They deserve what they get! However, I find this notion that if only men would “associate women with life” that adventure and pleasure will… Read more »
Hi Jules
I hope you are well.
Let me comment on one thing you say here .
“It thought me many things about the true nature of women”…..
Hmmmmmmmmm.
I was also married once Jules ,and it though me many things about myself, and the nature of my husband
but NOT about THE TRUE NATURE OF MEN!
You are an intelligent man Jules, so pleace do not do this.
Hello Iben!!! You know after I hit the “Post Comment” button, I knew in my heart I should not have written it. It was really poor judgement. Sorry to you, all women, and the author. I am really struggling with the aftermath of my failed marriage. I know not all women are the same. I see this daily! Nor are they bad….not even the majority. I know women, like men, are all different individuals..My emotions got the best of me. No excuse.. This piece just rubbed me the wrong way. It tends to suggest two things: 1) that burden of… Read more »