You like her a whole lot more than she likes you. Now what?
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Picture this: A man lives next door to a delightful single neighbor and boy, does he like her. They chat as they water their flowerbeds. He helps her fix her sink, stack wood and shovel the driveway. And on Saturday nights he watches her go out on dates with other guys. She calls him on Sunday morning and invites him over for coffee; she then spills all the details he does not want to hear about last night’s date. Why on earth, he wonders, does she not get how hard that is for him? Why doesn’t she see him as date material?
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In order to get out of the Friend Zone and have the relationship you want, there is one thing you must do. And there are no substitutions!.
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Being in the Friend Zone is a frustrating place to be. You want to have a romantic relationship with someone who only sees you as a “good friend,” and nothing more. You wonder, “How on earth did I get here?”
You desperately want to get out of the Friend Zone and have the relationship you want! And who can blame you?
Let’s look at how you got there in the first place.
- You did not make your needs, feelings, and intentions a priority.
- Instead, you made the other person’s comfort a priority.
- Right from the start you gave more than you got out of the relationship –by doing everything for the other person and asking for nothing in return.
- You put in 99.9 percent of the work to maintain the relationship, which includes being too available.
In order to get out of the Friend Zone and have the relationship you want, there is one thing you must do. And there are no substitutions! It involves total honesty – with yourself – and then with your friend.
What does that mean exactly?
A direct approach is best. Have the conversation – explain how you feel and what you want. Then wait to see how it lands for them. Be prepared for any answer. It will go one of two ways, either you will get a real date or you won’t.
Two people cannot both be in the driver’s seat, so think of the navigation away from the Friend Zone as a collaboration.
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Tough as this sounds, it is the only winning proposition for you because you valued yourself enough to find the courage to speak your truth.
What if your friend wants things to go on as before – in the Friend Zone?
Well, you can decide if you want to continue the relationship as is, or move on. Remember that rejection is a myth – no one can make you feel rejected without your permission. This is clarification, not rejection. Now you both know where you stand and can act accordingly.
To get the relationship you want, it’s best to be assertive, not passive. If you find you are just along for the ride, chances are you are heading down a road you did not choose. On the other hand, if you are doing all the work, is the other person really all that invested? Both options can lead to the Friend Zone if you aren’t careful.
Two people cannot both be in the driver’s seat, so think of the navigation away from the Friend Zone as a collaboration—the two of you paddling the canoe, or pitching a tent, or cooking a meal together. Communication, mutual understanding, and honesty are the keys in any relationship.
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A previous version was published at Be Free to Love and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shuttterstock
Most of us have experienced an unrequited love—either wanting or not being able to reciprocate someone’s love. It can be unintentionally hurtful for both parties. Consider all the qualities—not physical characteristics, but personal qualities like humor, honesty, integrity, trustworthiness—about this person that you find appealing and write them down. Ask yourself, “Are these the qualities I want and need in a partner?” If so, great! You know what you are drawn to—and you know what you are looking for. Think of your future partner as (neighbor+), a person who has all those wonderful qualities but is also available to have… Read more »
Throw a Bbq and find other women in your neighbourhood, get a hobby, buy a motorcycle, quit going to Sunday recap sessions.
Move on – there are 1000’s of women just waiting to ignore you, quit treating this one as special
“there are 1000’s of women just waiting to ignore you”
Thanks for that, I sprayed a bit of coffee…maybe because of my personal experience.
In my opinion, this is a question of semantics. You’re not really in the “friend zone”, IMHO, until you’ve actually heard the words “I don’t think of you that way”, or something similar. This implies that you’ve made it known that you’d like to be “more than friends” and that she’s not interested. Without that, you’re simply “friends”, and if you want more and haven’t made that clear, that’s your own fault, and you simply can’t say you’ve “been friend zoned”. The Friend Zone is reserved, in my experience, for women who know damned well that you’re interested, and would… Read more »
Kal. RIght, so you go find somebody else. Back in the day toward the end of my college career I was a fraternity grad adviser. Some of the unwary thought that meant I was some kind of relationship guru or something, or at least they were supposed to tell me stuff nobody else wanted to hear. I’ve been aware of women mooning over oblivious guys. I’ve heard from women that they don’t know what to do to get the guy’s attention and…he’s interested but has no idea she is. Of course, we were dealing with what amounted to high school… Read more »
Thank you for your answer, Richard Aubrey. But I think you kind of missed my point.
A guy turning away might be, as you express it, HAWT. He might also not be.
Betty couldn’t care less about having him around, she’s just indifferent to him. And so is anyone else.
“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”. From your picture I estimate you’re old enough to know where I took that quote 🙂
What’s worse, being stuck in the Friend Zone, or being stuck in the Alone Zone?
Sure, I can confess any kind of romantic interest in a person, or I can feign some kind of obligation to be elsewhere. Either way I’ll be alienating them so it really doesn’t make a difference, does it?
There’s a scene in Tom Sawyer in which Tom, in front of Becky Thatcher’s house, turns to look down the street, shading his eyes with one hand. And then he goes….someplace. Point is, he’s trying to seem a man with important items on his plate, items more important than mooning about in front of Becky’s house. IOW, his business, man’s business, is more important than she is. Your hypothetical guy should turn down the hypothetical Sunday morning coffee on the grounds of a hypothetical obligation–details not forthcoming–and, if necessary–go hide in the library or something. That saves him the autopsy… Read more »
Hi Richard,
I love your Tom Sawyer visualization and friend zone solution. Many times when one person pulls away in a relationship the other person will take notice and pursue them.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Betty Russell, BCC