His wife says she cheated because he wasn’t satisfying her in bed. Allana Pratt, Intimacy Expert has some tough yet powerful questions…
Question: I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I’m not sure for how long or who she was with…maybe I was told, but I just felt everything in my life shatter. She’s said she is sorry and wants to work things out. She said that she cheated because I wasn’t satisfying her in bed. So, I am at a loss. I don’t satisfy her and she’s cheated. How much more less of a man can I feel? Should I try to work things out? I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck in time.
Answer: How devastating and I’m sorry. Feeling stuck in time is an awful powerless feeling. Not knowing what to do is not only frustrating but can be scary. And not satisfying her… that cuts to the bone.
You said something interesting… “maybe I was told”. That’s pretty telling love. Have you been avoiding this issue and while I don’t condone her behavior whatsoever, is it possible she chose to do it, to get your attention? She sounds remorseful if she is sorry and wants to work things out… perhaps she’s not capable of asking for what she wants, perhaps she’s not a great communicator, perhaps she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, perhaps she doesn’t even know what she needs… but it’s more than what was happening in the bedroom 😉
I would begin by getting really clear that you both are 100% committed to doing whatever it takes to work it out. Two feet in. Then create a structure for success with a coach like me, with date nights, with growth in your sexual capacities and connection, and a stand for honest honoring communication.
When couples try to get back together with one partner having to ‘prove’ they are committed or willing to make amends, without the other taking responsibility for where they came up short, the power is off balance and in my 17 yrs of experience coaching, true healing and communion never occurs.
In the video I talk about a great DVD I recommend found at www.AllanaPratt.com/steamy-sex which shows you beautiful classy and hot ways to improve your sexual connection and intimacy. This will show you are committed to growth and can begin immediately with date nights to restore connection.
However without private and individual work- she learning to ask for what she wants and make up for the damage done… and you learning to forgive her and yourself… then we can’t even begin to do the couples work with communication and vulnerable courageous intimate sexual connection. Make sense?
I’ve seen couples WAY stronger and happier because of an affair. And I’ve seen couples consciously uncouple. I can’t guarantee which way it will go, yet I can guarantee should you two be a fit to work with me, that each of you will be your BEST self, living your authentic truth, evolved in your sexuality, communication skills and capacity to do what it takes to nurture, nourish and expand as individuals and as a couple… be it with each other or with new partners.
Bottom line… deciding whether to work on it or go… this is HUGE decision not to be made lightly and certainly not to be made when upset emotionally when you’re not connected to your deepest truth, and certainly not without your wife’s deepest truth. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE… and as one of my clients from DC says… one of her favorite lines from me is, “There are SO MANY f’ing great possibilities in the unknown!”
So let’s dive in and discover what they are 😉 Email my [email protected] set up a strategy session for you and your wife. In the meantime download my complementary www.GetHerToSayYes.com report and video series to support you in navigating your emotions to restore your grounded centeredness and take your power back.
Kings get wise counsel. So do Queens. You two can work through this. It would be my honor and privilege to sit in the fire with you both.
With non judgment and unconditional fierce love, Allana xox
Photo: www.BigStock.com
I think he shares some responsibility for the issues in their marriage, but he has no responsibility for her decision to cheat. That is something that is 100% on her.
Hey Guy, GET OUT! If it were a one night f**kup (as in she got drunk and stupid) and she was really sorry and felt totally sh**ty about the whole thing, well maybe there’s a ‘shot’, but to have this ongoing behind your back only to try to turn it around so it’s YOUR FAULT, man just leave ,hire a barracuda of a divorce lawyer, and don’t look back! Ms. Pratt’s advice gives you clue of how any ‘Therapy’s’ going to go(oh, I see she chopped off one nut, let’s remove the other one)
Good point, Anthony.
“Shattered” would be the word I’d use when I found out about my ex-wife’s affair. There was only one person in the world that could cut me down…and she did.
I am going through the exact same situation, so I appreciate the points of view. I find that emotionally I miss that connection so much, that I consider getting back together. When my rational mind takes control, I conclude that as Anthony says, if she couldn’t do anything to try to fix the problem, then she was not motivated to preserve the relationship in the first place. A partner should be just that. It takes both to be pulling in the same direction. People and leopards do not change.
Aside: I examined this sentence, and read it differently. “I’m not sure for how long or who she was with…maybe I was told, but I just felt everything in my life shatter.” I took it to mean that “maybe he was told” in the moment where he found out that she was cheating on him, but he was so devastated that he didn’t even process the details of what she was saying to him after. Imagine hearing “honey, I’ve been cheating on you, and sleeping with this guy…”, are you going to hear anything after the first part of that… Read more »
I made the same interpretation, Anthony.
What’s in it for her to try and work things out?
What’s her “carrot” for maintaining a relationship with him?
Hate to say this, but it’s obviously not the sex, as she seems more than able to get that elsewhere.
Cannot repeat enough, the only way you will 100% be able to feel better about yourself is to end it and start working on yourself. Be the person you want to be, then you will meet someone. Being single is just as hard as being in a shitty relationship but they end differently. You are never going to get over it and she is never going to let it go, if shes sorry she will transfer the guilt in to self destructive behavoir, if shes not shes just self destructive.
No letters behind my name, but I’ve had years of listening to these type of situations and the results. The visceral reaction comes first. No issue with the guy laying into her. She cheated, betrayed a sacred trust. It can never be repaired once broken. He has every right to be pissed, and express such…and he should fire her up, then leave. Then he needs to sit in his car and decide if he still lovers her, if it can be worked out, or if he is done. Very difficult to do, very difficult to stay. He can start by… Read more »
“MAKE her go deep inside and decide if she truly loves him, or is afraid to move on. Make her own it, and then help her through it rather then resent as doing the former is to both of their advantage.”
I doubt you can make anybody do something, but I know he should bother. If he has to force her, she’s not worth the trouble. If she WANTS to do those things, he can support her, but she needs to do the work and supporting her is all he should do.
Of course. I was unclear, John. I meant that if she was willing to try, that he insist on such. If she refuses, refuses to do that soul searching, be fully into resolution, then yeah, game over.
Hard for me to articulate as even in attempting to be fair and open minded, it is difficult for me to envision something that I’d not take part in. As I said, the bond is sacred to me. Once broken there is no repair…but some guys would try. More power to them, but I could not.
I really worry about this guy, and I really hope he and his wife do not attend any of these sessions with Ms. Pratt. Judging by her response to his plight, after all is said and done, his wife and Ms. Pratt could very well manipulate this and make him out to be the bad guy, and his wife the victim who felt she needed to cheat on him as a cry for help and to “find” herself. And, he is actually very, very lucky and should be absolutely grateful to his wife that she’s willing to give him a… Read more »
Time for a divorce and a very long look at NAWALT before you step back in the pool. But do celebrate, she will probably get the house, half your assets, maybe portions of your 401k and retirement, alimony and maybe child support; and you will get a court order forcing you to pay all of it, maybe a restraining order (divorce lawyers love those like a fatty on potato chips) and of course the wrecked credit. Welcome to the inevitable, and predictable consequences of marriage in America. She just got a fat pay-day because she found you boring in bed… Read more »
I hate to say it, but yeah. Unless she tried something to address the problem beforehand, it’s no good. If she couldn’t figure out how to tell you there was a problem, or you couldn’t figure it out yourself, then there was a serious communication problem before any cheating ever occurred, which is at the heart of the problem. If she didn’t care enough to even try fixing that communication issue before going to extremes, then it sounds like an excuse to me. She just wanted a fling with some hot guy she found. Maybe scratching a 7-year itch? To… Read more »
^^^^^Yes, what he said. Get the fuck out. Not only did she cheat, she further emasculated you by telling you that you suck in bed. From now on, you will have to second guess everything she does and the that stress will wear you down. She made the choice to shit on y’alls commitment, so end it.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Divorce her and find a good woman. Will you ever trust her again?
She is only back with you because the other guy didn’t want her long term.