Mother’s Day can be the worst for men and women who deal with infertility.
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Mother’s Day is hard–really hard–when you’re experiencing infertility.
When I was going through infertility, Mother’s Day was one of the worst days of the year. It felt like the world was saying “you’re a complete failure as a woman, wife, and mother.” I realize now that this wasn’t rational, but it was completely real at the time. I dreaded going to church where they’d have the children hand out roses to all the mothers and grandmothers. I sat there feeling like a loser with tears streaming down my cheeks. And while everyone’s feelings and experiences are unique, there’s no way around feeling sadness, anger, confusion, and overwhelmed when you’re waiting, hoping, and wanting a baby.
I know that if you could, you’d save your wife from the disappointment month after month, the hormones and tests, the arguments, and the grief. But, right now, what you can do is help her get through one of the toughest days for a woman experiencing infertility.
Don’t ignore it.
The worst thing that you can do is simply ignore the subject of Mother’s Day. If your wife hasn’t brought it up, ask her. People often avoid talking about infertility (or any difficult subject), fearing it will make others feel worse. She may cry (or get angry), but bringing it up shows that you care and are thinking about her.
And I guarantee, she’s already been thinking about it herself.
Don’t try to fix it.
Get comfortable with the “messy” emotions. When someone you love is hurting, it’s hard to accept that you can’t make it all better. Sometimes what she needs is just for you to be physically and emotionally present. Don’t underestimate the power of simply bearing witness to her pain. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but it honors where she’s at in this moment.
Instead of trying to cheer her up, ask “How can I be supportive?”
Validate her feelings.
The greatest gift you can give your wife is empathy. Empathy is a true deep understanding of her feelings. Even if you’re a pretty sensitive guy, empathy is tough when you’re going through your own pain around infertility. You can learn to be more empathetic through attentive listening and a curious mind. Her experience with infertility is dramatically different than yours. Instead of assuming, ask open-ended questions that help you gain new insights into her experiences and let her know that you understand.
Be gentle.
Infertility is hard. Be patient with yourself and your wife. When emotions are running high, it’s easy to lose your temper or want to tune out. One of the tough things about infertility, is that it often drags on for years and years. It takes a toll on you emotionally, physically, financially, and relationally. Recognizing that you’re both struggling can allow you be more compassionate. Try to be emotionally gentle.
Let her decide how to spend Mother’s Day.
There’s no right or wrong way to spend Mother’s Day. Couples experiencing infertility often find they need to celebrate holidays differently than they did pre-infertility. So, if your wife doesn’t want to go to your family’s Mother’s Day brunch, don’t force it. If she wants to stay in bed all day and eat ice cream, support her in that. As long she doesn’t spend every day in bed, it’s perfectly fine to opt out of Mother’s Day. She needs to do what feels right to her and she needs your support in whatever that is.
If you’ve sought out some insights on helping your wife through Mother’s Day, you’re already half way there. You’re obviously a loving, thoughtful partner. Don’t forget to take good care of yourself so you can continue to be the compassionate and supportive partner that you strive to be.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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