She justs want to show off her husband and be more than ‘Mom and Dad’ online. He says no.
—
My husband won’t friend me on Facebook.
In fact, he has my profiles blocked–both personal and work. He wants no part of me on the only social media platform he uses. Being locked out of this piece of his life tears me apart inside. Yet, my husband obviously doesn’t feel the same; he makes it clear every day that we are friends enough the way things are now.
As it stands now, we have been married for ten years now. My hubby and I rushed into this relationship impulsively and a tender age. We have seen many more downs than ups because of it, but we have honored our vows for better or worse, seeing our way to brighter days every time. In order to sufficiently provide for his family, my husband is forced to work 72 hours, 6 days a week on an extended afternoon shift, 3pm – 3am, at a steel factory. Coupled with other negating circumstances, it was necessary to become a stay-at-home mom after our fourth, “surprise” baby, was born.
There is simply too much to accomplish the few hours my husband has for himself during the day to give me an ounce of personal attention. We spend all of our limited time before he has to be at work every day, planning and doing alltheresponsibleadultthings – banking, grocery shopping, mailing, paying bills, scheduling and attending various appointments, purchasing the endless need of necessities, and all that jazz. It’s a precarious balance to make sure we’ve covered all the bases while still fitting in time for my husband to enjoy time with the kids and taking care of personal needs, like working out. The only day remotely possible for quality time with my husband is Sunday. But Sunday is also the lone day our children get quality time with Dad at home. Besides that, it is the only day my husband gets for himself to take a load off from the enormous stress his job creates for him. By the time the kids are in bed for the night, I’m lucky to get five minutes of my husband’s attention to satisfy other, more primal, needs we both have, before he passes out. Most often than not, though, he falls asleep while I’m putting the littles to bed and those physical desires end up with freezer burn right alongside the emotional ones hidden beneath an inch of frost.
God, how I miss him; miss my connection to him. So much so, dammit. It just isn’t fair. I deserve a portion of his undivided attention, as he is MY partner in life. MY husband. My best friend. Someone’s gotta sacrifice, though, and it is always Mom who goes without.
Nowadays, with so little togetherness going on, in our marriage and in our family, our relationships are becoming strained. My husband’s free time is being spread so thin, there is nothing left for me. For us. We have been swallowed up by the responsibilities of adulthood… of parenthood… that we have forgotten to nurture the very foundation of this life together. And my hubby actually seems content with the increasing distance that’s happening here. That is what truly hurts the most. Our relationship has faded to the background in exchange for the roles we have taken on to build this life we share.
This is where I think Facebook could really help us rekindle the friendship left simmering on the back burner for far too long. Facebook gives us a place we can see each other as the individual personas we lost in gaining the titles of Mom and Dad. It is somewhere to come on our own time without the pressure of being prompt, coordinating our schedules, or putting forth the effort to make something special happen and be fully present for the ordeal. We can chitchat at will in the comments section of anything the other has posted that catches our attention, as our free time allows for. This would give us a better glimpse at the interests and hobbies we don’t otherwise have time to share with one another in person.
There are so many things I don’t even know about him as a person anymore – his current favorite fad songs, his projected outlook on upcoming performances of favorite sports teams, current events that have struck a chord of significance with his values and beliefs, his most current political stance, his long-term goals and dreams for our family’s future, and everything else under the sun that isn’t related to childcare or household responsibility. Texting back and forth just isn’t as personal – which is completely ass-backwards since Facebook is technically a public social forum. Realistically speaking, however, people have evolved the original purpose of social media so that their personal accounts are now seen as a personalized extension of oneself… and that’s what I am getting at here.
The whole world, if my husband was to accept their friend request (as he frequently does with any that he gets, whether they are a stranger or not), is able to peer into a side of him that I do not get to see at all. They can see him being silly, funny, entertaining, and vocal from a perspective that is impossible to get from our daily lives together. The internet is a world in and of itself, but how does that equate to leaving behind those who hold one’s heart any time it is entered? I would be so proud to show the world my husband… to share my own online world with him on Facebook. Little quips in the comments, tagging one another in funny memes, and sharing articles of interest with each other would go such a long way to stoking the fire within our hearts that keeps flickering in the stale air between us.
The tried and true has become a mundane repetition of predictability and we need to shake things up. My loneliness is eating me alive. I am being deprived of so many parts of his life as it is, and the yearning to bring back the depth and meaning to our relationship swells with every passing day. My needs cannot go on being unmet for much longer. It feels like I am beginning to lose my mind as my husband turns into a man that I hardly even know. There are practically no other feasible options for rekindling this floundering relationship. The one which made this marriage and family possible in the first place. It doesn’t mean we have to settle – accept this is just the way it has to be now. We can be more than just a convenience to one another. More than a decent piece of furniture we depend on to be where we put it all the time, We have to be if we want to keep growing together as partners – not the roommates running a daycare it feels like these days.
Fixing us can be as easy as a husband sending his wife a friend request on Facebook. Just as easy as not doing will continue to tear us farther apart until there’s nothing left saving. He says that is not his intention. I am starting to beg to differ.
Is it really so wrong for this wife to want to be a part of her husband’s online world? Because I would totally give up my voice like Ariel to go where I feel I belong…
On my husband’s Facebook friend’s list.
◊♦◊
Photo: Getty Images
Read Kristina’s column every week here on The Good Men Project!
And thank you for sharing this!
This COULD be a red flag, but I think it is important to consider that your husband likely views his social-media time as “alone” time, and perhaps your insistence that he include you in that is unreasonable. Please understand, not knowing the dynamics of your relationship, I’m kind of shooting in the dark here, but just based on the piece you wrote, are boundaries really so unreasonable? People NEED alone-time, and considering your description of your lives, it sounds high-stress to me. It really isn’t a question of love or acceptance…it’s a question of needing time to yourself. I understanding… Read more »
This to me is a red flag. You’re his wife. His not friending you seems very suspect and weird.
It’s Facebook. That’s all. Don’t make it more than it is
This one is easy! I had the same problem, and now I’m living with it. I got on Facebook only recently (two years ago), and my significant other of ten years even more recently jumped on, and wanted to friend me. What a nightmare! Every picture I had ever liked from women I’m friends with at work, friend’s wives, etc. was cause for endless grilling. Any compliment I ever paid out was subject to intense scrutiny. Thankfully I have few friends on facebook, and only about a dozen of them are women, so it only took a few days and… Read more »
It sounds like a source of stress for you and her both. Although I think in your case, you’re a good and sincere and trustworthy man Anthony; a lot of women have to deal with their boyfriends and husbands constant seeking of new images and new women to look at. Whether it’s Facebook or other avenues. So it can easily make us a bit insecure. But at least you haven’t refused her access to your Facebook page just to make it easier for yourself. That’s kind of commendable onto itself.
Thanks for saying so. The truth is, I have nothing to hide. At least, nothing that matters to my relationship, in regards to other women. I know myself, and know that I would never cheat on my partner. Hell, I’m not even comfortable with saying or doing anything that could be construed as flirting with other women. And what else could happen? Am I suddenly going to leave a relationship of 10 years, my house, my stepson, and everything about my current life to chase something completely unknown with some other woman? That would be just a bit ludicrous. Also,… Read more »
One thing a couple can do is make a private group just for the two of them, set it to “secret” and then they can use it any way they want without worrying about anyone else seeing it.
I’d also be all over my local Facebook groups for moms, looking for another family to swap sleepovers so the parents could go back to their own house and have a quiet night together. Or at least swap babysitting for a couple of hours if the little ones are too young to leave overnight.
Clearly, for one spouse to go so far as to block the other from social media is indicative of a serious underlying problem. It’s just a symptom. I hope you can find a a way to get your husband to open up about what the real problem is, so that the two of you can work it out.
Personally, I think it’s extremely strange your husband wouldn’t want to be friends with you on Facebook. But have you ever asked him why he doesn’t want that? Have you ever told him why you do? Maybe Facebook is the only place he feels is “his” and is a way for him to have his own identity separate from being husband or father? Or perhaps he’s up to more dishonest antics? There is no way of knowing unless you talk to him about it. I know that it’s often easier said then done, but there has to be a reason… Read more »