Male sexual desire, Hugo Schwyzer writes, is shaped by a desire for the approval of other men.
One of the enduring myths about female beauty is that it’s not something about which men really care all that much. Van Morrison sang about girls who went out at night “dressed up for each other,” and few men question the wisdom of that famous line. Ask most men—perhaps particularly straight men—about women and beauty and you’ll get the same sort of answer:
I don’t care that much about fashion. I think a woman can look great in jeans and a t-shirt without any make-up. I don’t understand why women take so long to get ready/spend so much time stressing about clothes/worry so incessantly about their looks. Don’t they know that most dudes don’t really care about that stuff?
I’ve heard versions of that spiel from a great many guys. Most women have heard something similar from husbands, boyfriends, or would-be suitors. It’s one of our basic cultural assumptions about beauty, fashion, and the modern female: this obsession with looks is something women do to themselves. The judgment and the criticism are largely woman-to-woman. Men may be a bit clueless, the trope suggests, but they’re much more accepting of women than women are of each other.
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At best, that’s an incomplete understanding of the issue.
Yes, it’s true that fashion is about a good deal more than simply making women attractive to men. Not every aesthetic decision is linked to a sexual agenda, a point made cleverly and creatively at popular sites like The Man Repeller. Many women’s passion for fashion has little at all to do with wanting to attract or keep a man. To pick an obvious stereotypical parallel: high school boys don’t go out for sports solely to impress girls (though that’s often one secondary factor among many in their decision-making process). Many men love sports for their own sake, irrespective of their appeal (or lack thereof) to women. The exact same thing is true of beauty. Men make a colossal error in assuming that those women who are fascinated with fashion (not all are, of course) are looking for ways to make themselves more sexually alluring.
But it’s also true that men care much more about women’s looks than they let on. And women know it.
Straight men aren’t just sexually attracted to women. They’re also, all too frequently, attracted to what beautiful women can do for their status in the eyes of other guys. Even those who are leery of claims that a “Guy Code” exists outside of feminist theory (or beer commercials) acknowledge that having hot girlfriends is the sine qua non of being an alpha male.
The desire for the approval of other men shapes straight men’s sexual desires. Think of the very reasonable claims of many men that they’re not attracted to size zero, skin-and-bones supermodels. Lots of guys claim, with apparent sincerity, that they love women with “curves.” So why are men so interested in dating skinny models? (A question asked and answered brilliantly in Ted Demme’s marvelous Beautiful Girls.) The answer, of course, is that a great many men care as much about what other guys think of their girlfriends and wives as they do about their own desires. The young guy who claims to love curves may be sincere, but he may also have to endure the taunts of his peers, who’ll call him a “chubby chaser” – or simply remark dismissively, “Dude, your chick’s fat.”
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Put simply, it’s not about the sex, it’s about the status.
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In Guy World, models imbue their beaux with a special and rare cachet in the eyes of other men. And that cachet is more than worth dating a woman with a body type that is less of a turn-on than a great many people imagine. This isn’t true of all men. But it drives a great many guys throughout their lives: from high school boys who sense the homosocial boost of dating a cheerleader to middle-aged men who suddenly start dating “hotties” half their age. Put simply, it’s not about the sex, it’s about the status.
Whether or not they can name this phenomenon for what it is, a lot of women know that men are being too cute by half when they come out with that “I prefer women in jeans and a t-shirt” line. As my friend Annemarie puts it: “I know my boyfriend thinks I’m hot whatever I wear. But I also know that when we go out he wants me to look hot for his friends too. Sexy, but not slutty. He just knows how bad that sounds if he asks for it, so he just hints at it. It’s chickenshit, but it’s par for the course with most guys.”
That line between what’s considered “sexy” or “classy” and what’s considered “slutty” or “trying too hard” is a very difficult one for young women to negotiate. Because it’s an inherently subjective distinction, women have to consider their own comfort level, their own aesthetic sense, the expectations of the setting into which they’ll be going, and the reactions of virtually everyone whom they’ll encounter when they’re out. Telling them “it doesn’t matter, you look great whatever you wear” sounds nice–but most women know that it isn’t that simple. (I remember when my first serious college girlfriend first met my parents. She tried on what had to have been seven different outfits. When I snapped with exasperation to “Just pick something already,” she snapped back “Easy for you to say. You know damn well this matters, and not just to you.”)
Just as so many young women know they’re expected to negotiate effortlessly the sexy/slutty distinction, many aging women know well that they live in a culture in which their looks are given a cruel, arbitrary sell-by date. Not every man over 40 stares at hot girls half his age; not every middle-aged father prefers to masturbate to images of “barely legal teens” rather than “MILFS” when he’s alone with his laptop. But enough aging men do sexualize very young women—and disparage their female peers—to send a loud and clear message to women on the high side of 35.
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Men can’t have it both ways—insisting that beauty and make-up and clothes are irrelevant and bewildering wastes of time, and then responding with such unmistakable desire to those whose skin is youthful, and whose ability to negotiate the sexy/slutty dichotomy seems the most natural and effortless. Well-meaning compliments have to be backed up by our actions. And in our contemporary culture, women take their cues about what really matters as much from our actions as they do from Vogue and Project Runway. Admitting that would be a good place for guys to start.
—Photo kedai-lelaki/Flickr
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More on Women’s Obsession with Beauty
Chasing Beauty: An Addict’s Memoir
Are Women Addicted to Beauty?
Her Looks, Your Status: Why His Claims Not to Care About Beauty Ring Hollow
The Ugly Duckling as a Gender-Neutral Beauty Ideal
Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful
About Hugo Schwyzer
Vocalyze
“I’m going to keep this short because you’re barely even reading what I wrote. Your responses don’t even address what I was saying, so I just have this to add:”
I have read what you have written. I have responded.
“When writers have articles about how some men can’t find girlfriends, they aren’t talking about all men. It’s just some. There is no feminist article that says that ALL single men are single because they’re misogynists deep down and turn women off.”
This might be the case, but it is very well hidden. This is like saying that all you say about illegal immigrants doesn’t include all immigrants, but you never talk about any other kind of immigrant.
“Every girl can tell you that she’s come into contact with at least one Nice Guy, who was giving off very blatantly hostile vibes. But every girl can also probably think of a few really good guys that have just, for whatever reason, had bad luck in dating. No one is suggesting that there is ONLY ONE reason why a guy wouldn’t have a date.”
No, but the Nice Guy ™ is the topic that occupies 99% of the discussion.
“Every girl can tell you that she’s come into contact with at least one Nice Guy, who was giving off very blatantly hostile vibes. But every girl can also probably think of a few really good guys that have just, for whatever reason, had bad luck in dating.”
The problem is that Nice Guy can mean lots of things, I can agree with that it is morally wrong to use manipulation and false flag operations to try to get sex, but take as an example the guy who told the story of his female friend who got a new boyfriend. It hurt him so much that he couldn’t stand being around her anymore, this was labeled as Nice Guy.
“No one is suggesting that there is ONLY ONE reason why a guy wouldn’t have a date. Similarly, there are articles that say that some women, after years of being alone, tend to give off needy vibes. They don’t say that ALL single women are needy. Articles like this are just an explanation of one of the many things that would hinder dating. ”
Saying is one thing, doing is another. Where are the dating articles that don’t start and end in Nice Guy ™?
“They’re there as a “check yourself” to everyone. They don’t apply to every reader, or even most readers.”
Then maybe the authors should make that clearer in the articles.
“They’re not suggesting that women can scout out all jerks and that this is the only reason why a person wouldn’t get a date.”
When 99% of the articles discussing male dating problems are about the Nice Guy ™, it is very easy to get that impression.
“And, to be honest, I’m not sure why you’re so concerned about the Nice Guy thing. You’re not even a nice guy… you’re very clearly in the bad guy category.”
No, I am not a nice guy. I help people without any ulterior motive, because that is how I would like to be
treated.
I am even honest in my opinion that you reap what you sow.
“Your anger toward women is making it impossible for you to even have a rational conversation. I’m very sorry if you’ve been treated badly, but I had nothing to do with that. I wasn’t there, I’ve never talked to you in person, and I have no idea what you look like.”
Have you read what I have written? I have stated what I believe. That we live in a superficial world, but that this isn’t worse for women than it is for men, it is just the way it is.
“If you want to think i’m guilty by association based solely on my gender, what can I say?”
Have you tried to understand what I have been writing? That Hugo isn’t a person that has any moral authority on anything, and that he should atone himself before he starts preaching to everyone else.
“There’s no talking sense to a person who has that strong of a prejudice.”
How can I make the message clearer.
1. Hugo is a hypocrite, he can’t both defend female right to preference, then tell men that it is wrong to be attracted to younger women, then marry a former model much younger than himself.
2. Hugo should start atone what he has done before deciding what other people do.
3. You can’t complain that it is unfair that you aren’t good looking if you at the same time subscribe to ruthless competition on the meat market.
I love this website! It is so great to read articles by men about these issues. It made me realise how I have so often (and without realising) not taken similar articles written by women so seriously because I felt like ‘what is the point’ it is just a discussion amongst women and yes we all agree and yes we all do go through this but men just don’t understand or give a sh*t enough to read about it as well. But here are men actually writing these articles and it makes me feel like I am not just going to be called a feminist bra burner for feeling passionate about my frustrations as a young woman.
I suppose I care about how my partner looks to other men, but it’s extremely low on my list of priorities. If I’m shallow, it’s in a different area. I care much more about whether I’m having great sex with a woman, much more than how she looks. I don’t understand being with a beautiful woman as the primary goal. I suppose some men think like that, but I just don’t get that. What’s the point of being with a woman who matches some particular visual image if your sex life is lousy?
Then again, I don’t have buddies that I’m out to impress. I’m not out to impress my male friends with anything that I do, and I’d say we are definitely in the stereotypical “Guys” category. If I were to “show off” my partner for some reason, they would be more interested in whether my sex life was good. If I started dating an obvious “trophy,” they would likely LOSE respect for me.