How do you soften the blow when your buddy’s a ‘5’ looking to score a ’10’? Intimacy Expert Allana Pratt brings things back to reality…
Question: I have a buddy that his bar set unrealistically high! He constantly complains about being single, but if an “average” girl approaches him, he has 101 different reasons why she isn’t good enough. He is a 5 looking to score a 10. How can I be straight with him?
Answer: First, rarely do I get a question about helping out a buddy… you are indeed a great friend! (or perhaps just sufficiently annoyed?)
1. Strategy: Most people with this behavior, men and women alike, do this to be safe, keep their distance, never risk heartbreak, never venture into the unknown. They also get a ‘hit’ of attention off it, the victim martyr who gets to suck people into their dismal world, while seeming clever to discern all that’s wrong with another, never revealing how insecure they are themselves inside.
2. Window: This is quite possibly a window into his inner world. Most people who judge, are doing exactly the same thing to themselves. Thus he’s judging himself 101 ways to Sunday, while outwardly projecting this onto these women.
3. Being Straight: First, I don’t recommend unsolicited advice. It always backfires in defensiveness. Some people just like to suffer, they get off on complaining. If this is him, let him be, stop feeding the monster and perhaps he’ll change his behavior eventually.
Another option is indeed he is a close friend, is to first ask permission. “Hey, I’m concerned for you man. Can I tell you something?” If you get the green light, try something like, “Hey, I care about you, and I’m afraid you’re going to live your whole life alone, hell, even die alone. I’m no expert, yet I’ve noticed a pattern yet you really ought to check out this kind authentic woman’s videos on the Good Men Project.”
There are huge expectations that he knows what he’s doing sexually, and yet each year he becomes more terrified of being ridiculed.
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“She talks about healing men’s emasculated hearts or something. Dude, have some balls and ask for some help. I just don’t want to see you alone any more. I care about ya.” (I am doing my best at male lingo … you get the picture and can decipher into man-speak?)
Most men respond to a friendly dare, so you might want to egg him on a bit with the highest of intensions that he get the support he requires. It’s another way of saying “Fierce Love.”
I have worked with several clients who for religious reasons or pressure from their family… have moved into their late 20’s or 30’s without kissing a woman or having sex. There are huge expectations that he knows what he’s doing sexually, and yet each year he becomes more terrified of being ridiculed. Other men have had challenges with erections and are horrified to feel emasculated again, thus make excuses not to date. Some have been caught masturbating at an early age and now freeze up any time they feel sexual attraction because they have a somatic response of terror based on the past.
I am a safe place of non judgment and unconditional love for these men to heal the past, rewire their brains, calm their central nervous system, heal the energetic wounds in their heart and emerge grounded, present, calm, sexy and confident for no reason. If you’re ready to end the struggle of trusting women after a fight or breakup, read my complementary report and watch the video series at www.GetHerToSayYes.com. Consciousness is sexy. Vulnerability is badass.
Honoring of your grandeur, Allana xoxo
Photo: www.Flickr.com Andy: Date Night on Broadway
I think that a lot of men feel entitled to beauty in women. You can’t even get away from it in serious spheres like shows that deal with hard news or the stock exchange. All the women are beautiful and of a limited age – the men come in varying weights, sizes and looks and are simply well groomed.
Stop rating people on scales of 1-10 based on what *you* personally consider their romantic, social or quality and worth to be.
Erin I agree with you. Stop rating others by giving them a number! Women do register if a man is handsome ,good looking, but at least I , feel it is an insult to a man to let his looks decide how I see him . Lets us give anyone a chance to show his personality,and who he is. Good look tells us nothing else than that his ancestors also had good looks. I did not express this well,but I think you understand what I mean, So It surprises me that men that talk about how women look,do not understand… Read more »