Jamie Reidy loves kids, but he’s pretty sure he’s not prime Dad material.
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1. I’m terrified of blood, needles and the blood pressure thingy that squeezes the hell out of my arm. Experience tells me parents have to deal with all of them… like, often.
2. Fantasy football and Notre Dame football take up a lot of my time; 16 weekends of the year are already booked.
3. I believe in providing a bratty, non-responsive child with an “attitude adjustment” in the form of a smack on the ass—not really popular these days.
4. My apartment lease says “no pets.” Isn’t a kid the ultimate pet? Only, it takes way longer to teach him how to fetch.
5. I like sleep. A lot. My understanding is that new parents don’t sleep 10-12 hours per night. But I also sleep walk…
6. An argument some ego maniac parents thought would appeal to me is, “Don’t you want to see a little copy of yourself?” Surprisingly, no, I don’t.
7. What if I don’t like my kids? It took me 25 years to truly get along with my brother. What if I like my kids’ friends better than my kids?
8. Aside from “How to urinate in a soda cup while driving on the highway” (boys only), what am I gonna teach my children? I can’t fix anything or build anything. I speak no foreign languages. I suck at golf. I don’t fish. I’m super sloppy. All I’ve really got is the aforementioned football fanaticism, and I don’t know if that’s going to get them very far in life.
9. I hate the “Daily Download,” a.k.a. the wife telling the husband every single thing that happened that day. My understanding is that the Daily Download happens every single day. Then again, I’ll probably be the caretaker, which means I’ll be delivering the daily download. And I’m not sure I want to put that on somebody else.
10. If my kids want to play a sport, I will fully support that desire unless the activity doesn’t fit with what I want to be doing with my time. I will never allow them to join the swim team (practices are too early in the morning) or hockey team (practices are both too early and too late, and the equipment is way too expensive) even if that’s their favorite thing in the world.
11. Another popular reason to procreate is, “You have to have kids! Who else is gonna take care of you when you’re old?” Interesting. I’ve already informed my parents they should be nice to my sister, since I will not be taking care of them. So, if I had kids and raised them to be like me… they won’t end up taking care of me, anyway.
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Photo of Jamie and his nephew courtesy of the author.
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If you don’t want children, you better get started on geriatric helper robots because Social Security/Medicare only work when there are more people paying into them than collecting. If current trends continue in 30 years the social safety net in the US will be back to being the same as it is the rest of the world. Your family.
As a parent, I just want to say that your article….made me laugh. Thanks for that.
And for the record, I made my wife sign a written contract that states I will not miss my annual fantasy football draft under any circumstances, nor will I give up my Patriots season tickets. So far so good, and I manage to be an OK dad. I even take a week off work before my draft to prepare and research.
Priorities and all…
DaddyFiles,does your wife get to have a week off to do something fun for herself? Would you be willing to sign a contract?
DaddyFiles, your wife BETTER get her own vacations, too. Otherwise, you’re just screwing it up for all the other dads out there! #Team
Hmm. Maybe childless/childfree people can make “fantasy parenting” leagues similar to fantasy sports teams. That way people can participate in parenting on a range of safe, distant levels. How well did “my kids” do this week compared to yours? Let’s see, a B minus in math class, cleaned his room without being asked, but teased his sister mercilessly….. That’s about the level of involvement I want with kids. As for the last reason, having children may be the worst old-age plan ever. You’d be better off saving that money and investing in something with a more guaranteed return. (Obviously, it… Read more »
As someone who never had kids, I sometimes feel some regret, it on the other hand, I don’t really like being around children. I see how friends of mine lead their kid-centered lives, and I know I would have hated it. I used to go to my niece and nephew’s soccer games, and it was like torture. My sister and her husband spent years of their lives watchi kids play soccer. Ugh! The mounds of diapers, the whining and tears, the noise, …. I would have been a horrible mother because I would have been miserable. Plus, I see how… Read more »
As a parent and someone who likes kids, I have to say that there are already enough kids, and it ain’t easy. So if you don’t want them, don’t have them. Probably smart.
On the other hand, I know Jamie and I have to say that I think he’d be a great dad. You can teach him how to write jokes and gross me out! That’s a marketable skill!
“So if you don’t want them, don’t have them. Probably smart.”
Absolutely. This seems completely obvious to me, but it’s amazing how many people find this to be a controversial statement.
Take it from me, as I speak from experience.
Everything you suspect is true. Run, don’t look back.
Run.
Excellent article! Parenthood is not for everyone. It is great that this guy acknowledges that. I appreciate his honesty.