Dr. Craig Malkin insists that the key to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic is to break the vicious circle encouraging the behavior.
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At the end of May 2013, I wrote an article titled “5 Early Warning Signs You’re With a Narcissist.” It sparked a number of rich conversations through comments, emails, Facebook and Twitter. Not surprisingly, the vast majority of reactions came from people who feared they were currently in a relationship with a narcissist. Nevertheless, some of them — often among the most heartfelt and desperate of messages — came from people who’d either been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or felt convinced they met criteria for the diagnosis. From both sides, the same question surfaced again and again: Is there hope for those with NPD and the people who love them? Is there anything we can do if we see early warning signs or actual diagnostic criteria besides end the relationship?
As simple as they might seem on the surface, questions like these resonate with some of the deepest concerns in psychology. Can we change our personalities? More to the point, can people who meet criteria for personality disorders open themselves up to new and better experiences in relationships and in the world?
I’m going to go on record as saying, yes, I do believe it’s possible for people to change, even if they’ve been diagnosed with something as deeply entrenched and formidable as a personality disorder.
Trait labels like narcissist, or the admittedly less stigmatizing ones like extrovert and introvert, merely provide a shorthand description. They’re a stand-in for “this person scored high on a trait measure of narcissism or extroversion or introversion.” They can never hope to capture the whole person. (Bear in mind that even Jung, who introduced the latter concepts, firmly believed we all possess both an introvert and an extrovert side, regardless of how much we tend to one side or the other.) Nevertheless, when they become diagnostic labels, like “narcissist” or “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” these stark descriptions imply something that goes far beyond a tendency or a style — they suggest permanence and a set of stable enduring features.
I have more hope than this. I believe that rather than simply being “who we are,” our personalities are also patterns of interaction. That is, personality, whether disordered or not,has as much to do with how (and with whom) we interact as it does with our genes and wired-in temperament. So what pattern does the narcissist follow?
Many have suggested that NPD emerges from an environment in which vulnerability comes to feel dangerous, representing, at worst, either a grave defect, or at best, a stubborn barrier to becoming a worthwhile human being — that’s simplifying a great deal of research and theory, but it’s a workable summary — hence the correlation between NPD and insecure attachment styles, in which fears of depending on anyone at all engender constant attempts to control the relationship or avoid intimacy altogether. If you devote yourself to directing interactions or holding people at arms length, it’s a lot harder to become vulnerable (needless to say, the “safety” is largely an illusion). People with NPD have learned to ignore, suppress, deny, project and disavow their vulnerabilities (or at least try) in their attempts to shape and reshape “who they are” in their interactions. Change — allowing the vulnerability back in — means opening up to the very feelings they’ve learned to avoid at all costs. It’s not that people with NPD can’t change, it’s that it often threatens their sense of personhood to try. And their failed relationships often confirm, in their minds, that narcissism is the safest way to live.
Put another way, narcissists can’t be narcissistic in a vacuum. They need the right audience in order to feel like a star, for example, so they often cultivate relationships with people who stick around for the show, instead of the person. Over time, as their perfect façade starts to slip, their constant fear that people will find them lacking becomes a horrifying reality. The very people who stuck around for the show lose interest when it ends — which merely convinces the narcissist they need to hide their flaws and put on a better show.
Alternatively, even when they fall for someone who could be more than just an adoring fan — someone who offers the hope of a more authentic, enduring love — narcissists still live with the paralyzing fear they’ll somehow be deemed unworthy. Their terror is frequently out of awareness, and nearly always managed with bravado and blame, but it’s profound and palpable. Sadly, their anger at having their mistakes and missteps exposed ultimately alienates their loved ones, and the demise of yet another relationship prompts them to redouble their efforts to avoid vulnerability — in short, it pushes them towards more narcissism. The sad irony of the narcissistic condition is that, in an effort to protect themselves, narcissists inevitably invite the very rejection and abandonment they fear in the first place.
The key then, to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic, is to break the vicious circle — to gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms — to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all — if they only allow the experience to happen.
As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand that changing relational patterns often transforms even the most inflexible “trait” into something softer, gentler — not a fixed feature, but a protection that eventually yields to touch and intimacy in all the ways one would hope. Narcissism is a way of relating. Not everyone can shift into a more flexible form of intimacy, but some can, and in the next post, I plan to share steps you can take to help you decide whether or not the person you’re with is capable of seeing themselves — and you — through a less-constricting lens than the narcissistic worldview.
Read Dr. Malkin’s runaway hit article, 5 Early Warning Signs You’re With a Narcissist
Originally appeared at The Huffington Post
Photo: Flickr/McKay Savage
Beautiful! It seems that so many have no hope for the narcissist. But you do and it’s backed by research. I believe no one is without hope. Your insight is SO encouraging! Thank you! I was raised by a narcissist mother and it has stolen my soul in many ways. But I am working on my own restoration now.
Thank you for addressing this topic. So much pessimistic information surrounding this issue It’s refreshing to hear from you.
“…thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms — to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all — if they only allow the experience to happen.” Yes this is exactly what happened when I first met my husband. He was 30 and was living a full Narcissist life at the time. When he met me he dropped all his defenses and the first two years he completely… Read more »
I share my story and understand writings like this because there are people who feel stuck financially like myself but also have children and would try everything before giving up.
Wow, this is incredibly dangerous advice. All this article is going to do is convince someone who knows they should leave to stay longer because perhaps if they “would just be more______________ “(fill in the blank). It is the same thing the narcissist does and makes me really question the author of this article. Narcissists will always blame you for all the problems because you weren’t skinny enough, fat enough, happy enough, talkative enough…you get the point. So here the article writer is supporting the narcissists point of view: People stay with narcissists because there was something that they loved… Read more »
I am living this. I understand this deeply. My husband is a narcissist and put me through hell. Yes, he was clinically diagnosed. He was a monster. A liar and even cheated on me but when he got caught and i was struggling with leaving, change began to happen. Lots of therapy happened. We learned how and why he is that way and why l was attracted to a disordered person. I found my strength. I changed my behaviors by discovering me. I found my voice. We talk about feelings. We learned from reading a book together on how to… Read more »
Thank you! That is a lovely hopeful testimonial
“Break the cycle”. This article focuses too much on the what and why and not enough on the “how”. Many folks clicked for that part…so it would be helpful for at least 5 quality action steps.one could take.
I think you have never been involved with a true Narcissist. I think you speak of nothing you truly understand. I honestly, hand on heart would remove this article from the internet so I could to protect the people attempting to remove themselves from the soul devouring relationships with narcissists they are caught in hoping to get free not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Part of me thinks you might be a narcissist attempting to pull in supply while another part of me thinks you are naive to believe for one second they can be changed.… Read more »
A narcissist doesn’t even know that they are one – they live in a state of constant denial and self love/loathing. Most of the time they will continue to feed their addictions of alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex/porn and tell you that YOU have the problem.They will cross every boundary and push you to the edge of your own insanity. I agree with Max Headroom…if you get out unscathed or at the very least don’t land in jail – count your blessings. If you continue to stay – it’s mental masturbation. It’ll f*ck with your mind and get you nowhere.
What I’d like to see is an article on the lingering damage to those that have “survived” a narcissist. Now THAT would be a good read. You can’t save a sinking ship but, you can throw a life jacket to those willing to swim away and save themselves.
The Narcissist cannot heal or recover. To them, it is everyone else’s problem. The ones that need support are their victims. An attractive female stealth narcissist can destroy numerous lives. I know, I was married to one. I’m lucky, I an not in jail and I am healthy. Not many others can say that.
What if the narcissist is your father and you are trying to heal from the realization that their love has always been conditional and you have been banging your headon the proverbial wall of trying to get them to really love you and also your ex boyfriends that are also narcissists because that is what is familiar? Frankly, having spent over a quarter century of my life trying to connect, impress, and glean any kind of natural and authentic affection from someone who is quick to anger, contemptuous of women, weakness, and has an authoritative judgment on anything, I find… Read more »
I have a sibling with NPD, and have attempted, many times, to love, accept, and set healthy boundaries with her, to no avail. I am 50 now and give up. I can’t imagine that this type of personality disorder is “curable”. And I can’t believe I waited this long to cut ties, but now that I have removed her from my life, I can’t tell you the relief, the sanity, the absence of fear and anger that presides now. It’s like I have my life back. I have watched her over the years, DEVASTATE my life, other siblings, lives, and… Read more »
Yes.
Please, please, please stop giving out such dangerous advice. As anyone who has dealt with a true narcisisst will tell you, the only advice you can give to one if their victims is to run as far and as fast as you can. They destroy lives. To answer your question, can a narcisisst change? Yes, they can. Will they? Absolutely not. They not only enjoy being who they are, they thrive on the hell they cause for other people, and they see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Or with themselves for that matter. Other people are objects to be used.… Read more »
Yes! Agreed. If they get negative attention, or whatever this article is suggesting, they will twist it somehow to fuel their fire. And God help you if you are near the wrong fire.
So looking forward to the next installment. Thank you for tackling this issue – it is a complex one for both the narcissist and the people who love them. It also has the potential to be seriously dangerous because, at it’s heart, narcissism focuses on manipulaton and control. I would love to see some practical advice disengaging/detaching from that – with a view to both reconciliation for those who want to keep their narcissist in their lives and also for those who need to leg go.
I enjoyed this article and the previous one. It helps me understand the person with NPD, but it didn’t help me understand how to deal with that person. Could you explain how to deal with a person with NPD when that person is one’s mother? Especially when that mother is suffering from depression she refuses to address?
To put it simply, the odds are (If she is truly an N), your mother isn’t depressed and is pretending to be to manipulate you. Her depression labeling is designed to invoke feelings of empathy from you. There is no dealing with them but there are several resources out there for children of Narcissistic mothers online. I would find these resources and also look up sociopaths/psychopaths..the NPD does fall under this spectrum.
I think that this can be a valuable tool. The idea of meeting someone in a different way than their issues try to arrange things. I however would say that this is realistic for the most part only in new dynamics. Trying to shift a current dynamic that involves someone with these struggles seems much less likely to be effective than someone who can begin the interaction in a whole different way. I too am concerned about people taking this as evidence that the narcissist in their life can change if only they love them better, which often pays right… Read more »
@ Dr. Malkin You presume that the reason a person chooses narcissism is out of fear of being vulnerable.Isn’t it just as likely that many make this choice because they enjoy wielding the power complete control provides them?Lets face it,in our culture powerful people are glorified and rewarded beyond measure.Often these folks are given much broader leeway to misbehave than less powerful folks. The question I have is why would/should anyone wish to ignore their own growth,needs and development to deal with a narcissist?Isn’t someone who makes that choice in need of counseling themselves?
I have to agree with those who say this is potentially dangerous advice. My father has NPD. He’s also an incestuous child rapist. He’s also highly intelligent and has never been prosecuted even though he has been accused of sex crimes against minors multiple times. He sees everyone he interacts with as inhuman objects, his possessions. He doesn’t acknowledge that he has NPD. When we, his family, have tried the advice above over months and years, his attempts to dominate, control and abuse became far worse. It was only when I escaped our “relationship” and completely let him go, no… Read more »
I’m sorry to hear this. I’m glad you are seeking help and living life for you. Thanks for sharing and exposing this article for what it is, fluff that doesn’t acknowledge the true destruction of this disorder. The Good Men Project really isn’t living up to its name on this one.
For those of you seeming confused with this, there was an article written by myself a year and a half ago here about what it is like to be someone with NPD. I’ll admit that I probably have more self awareness than most, but it might help everyone understand a bit more.
https://goodmenproject.com/the-good-life/mental-illness-2/not-all-narcissists-love-what-they-see-in-the-mirror/
Nothing like a depression to heal a well rounded narcissistic person, eventually you either become psychotic or you enter into your mid life crisis, take a long hard look around at all the ashes that burning the influence of reality does to a persons relationships, only then can the healing begin.
I agree that this is dangerous and probably unrealistic advice. First of all, a narcissist will actively work to break down the ego defenses of of anyone close to them so they can become the adoring object they desire. Anyone in proximity to a narcissist will soon lose their ability to defend themselves and quickly become mere objects. But, more insidious is that we live in a predominately narcissistic society that rewards narcissistic tenancies of grandiosity and controlling behavior. It is profoundly difficult to affect change in a narcissist because they can find refuge so easily among their numerous peers.
“NPD comes from an environment where vulnerability comes to feel dangerous…” Great insights! This is such a perplexing personality disorder…to watch someone totally lose it (because he thinks he is losing control over his family) is utterly frightening….to listen to someone scream: “I am God…!” in front of his family is like watching a true life horror show….even worse is listening to him denying that any of that volcanic outburst occurred (to my husband whose approval he still seeks)….most incredible is watching the same guy come to our front porch a second time trying to manufacture some cocka-mamy story to… Read more »
I have an absolutely terrible relationship history, and I always knew I had a problem but I didn’t have any idea how to change it. An ex-husband of mine (yes, I have more than one, already at age 27, sadly) accused me of narcissism but even THAT didn’t help in knowing what was wrong and how to change it. Suddenly, though, I started going out with someone who did exactly what this article instructs. He did everything to “gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than… Read more »
This is dangerous advice. Victims of narcissists will read this as if there is hope if they only show unconditional love to the narcissist. This isn’t some mildly annoying character trait and at it’s worst, can completely ruin lives. If you’re giving advice to victims then it needs to be only that they should take care of themselves and get into therapy to figure out why/how they became entangled with a disordered individual incapable of intimacy and love.
I think you might have missed this part.
“…thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms — to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all — if they only allow the experience to happen.”
Thwart? How? You can’t do this without being fake and busting your own boundaries, because you have to feed into the deep, soul-sucking, endless pit of need they have in order fro them to give you the time of day.
What?? has hit the nail on the head. As someone currently in the process of severing ties with a suspected narcissist, I can only echo that “victims” will often struggle along in the relationship for far longer than is healthy. They will look for and grasp desperately to any thread of hope available, however small, to avoid having to admit that the person they love, the person who professed to love them, is actually incapable (at least currently, according to this article) of any kind of authentic love. I have tried to believe for a long time that he is… Read more »
What hope for the narcissist then? Or do we not care about them?
Then again in complete disagreement with myself, no one should have to feel it is their job to heal someone else, because the person best positioned to do that is the person in question.
Yes! About therapy, the guy in my life, even used the therapist against me. So yes, get out, walk away, run.
Hi dr. Craig Malkin I struggle to understand how I can relate in the way what you describe here: ” The key then, to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic, is to break the vicious circle — to gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms — to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all — if they only allow the experience to happen.” Maybe… Read more »
I was going to write the same thing- this article doesn’t say anything specifically helpful. I find that to be the case on this site a lot. It’s a problem when your editors won’t let you get specific enough to be helpful due to length restrictions, but pick the title of your article (for you) to make it sound like you offer a solution.
Me too! Although it’s not something I have to worry about anymore, as I have long ago moved on. NPD describes my ex-wife very well, especially the inner terror expertly masked by blame and manipulation. But I would say that I presented her many times with the notion that I was in it for the long haul, that I accepted her “difficulties,” she could trust me, and we would take on her inner demons together (and mine, too, hey, I’m not perfect either)–in truth, I married her mostly because I felt it was the only way she was going to… Read more »
Yup, you can know what the problem is, and try to get them to accept thatou are going to hang in there, in fact I think that is why I put up with all the BS, because I knew it was just that. Eventually though, its his self-fulfilling prophesy, and I played my part. Its very sad, but I took my licks too, and I’m glad to be out. I feel like I’m awake from a really bad dream.