Kate Conway is sick of all the studies about how often men think about sex, and wonders, does it even matter?
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Do you guys remember that MTV show “Big Urban Myth“? It was basically a half-assed proto-version of “Mythbusters,” minus most of the science and plus all that magical trashiness that characterized MTV in the early 2000s (see also: “Cribs,” “The Osbournes,” and that one show where your parents picked out a date for you). It was also just “edgy” enough that it didn’t come on until quite late at night, so naturally I was obsessed with sneaking down to the basement and watching it on our ancient television set under the guise of “practicing piano.”
All of the episodes kind of blur together now, but there is one that stands out: the one that covered the “Men think about sex every 7 seconds” myth. Tragically, the majority of the episode itself seems to have been lost to the annals of pre-YouTube time, but this (hilariously Goo Goo Dolls-infused) clip confirms what I vaguely remember — that trying to put a number on how often dudes think about doin’ it is a fool’s game.
So why, then, do we (and researchers) keep insisting on doing it? Whether it’s the Kinsey Institute, HuffPo, or WebMD, it seems like we can’t go more than six months without some publication getting all chin-strokey about whether guys are slaves to their endocrine systems. It’s as if it’s a universally recognized truth that dudes are nothing but lumps of flesh attached to a perma-chub, like their dicks are a compass needle and the whole world is magnetized. The only question that remains seems to just be of the specific degree of boner indefatigability.
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This time around, the commentary’s been from the Daily Mail, who recently reported on a study out of Ohio State University saying that 18-25 year old men apparently think about sex 34 times a day, which averages to every 28 minutes “when allowing for eight hours sleep.” For once, the study also acknowledges that dudes have occasionally been known to think about other things, including food (once every 38 minutes) and sleep (once every 33).
Women, meanwhile, only think about sexual things once every 51 minutes or so (with food clocking in at 62 and sleep every 72). Presumably, all that extra time is taken up ruminating on molecular biology and/or One Direction, but I have yet to see that abstract, so I guess we’ll never know.
Disregarding the fact that the survey in question pulled data from college students, who likely have a skewed (read: extra-horny) perspective on such things, it’s also frustrating in that, yet again, it felt the need to evaluate sexual desire as something quantifiable (and therefore standardized).
For one thing, framing the results of these studies in this way just reinforces the whole “men love sex, women love romance” dichotomy that drives people of every gender to act like jerkwads, either in an effort to subvert or live up to those expectations.
Reports like these also suggest that there is such thing as a “normal” number of times a day to think about sex, and that to think about it any less or more than this relatively arbitrary number either makes you a prude or a deviant. I would bet every one of you an infant-sized burrito that upon reading one of these pieces, most people immediately tried to track their own sex-thought rates and then freaked out accordingly.
It’s like how some people can’t keep a food intake diary because their urge to track numbers is too strong. For those of us who like both data and butts, there exists a mighty temptation to keep the world’s weirdest tally for a day or so and subsequently wonder whether the fact that our “thinking about sex cycle” is approximately the length of a Parks and Recreation episode makes us a brain-slut.
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Both of these factors combine, then, to create an unnecessarily fraught attitude toward sex for everyone. It’s not just a self-esteem issue, either, though constantly fearing that your interest in sex is either too hearty or too lackluster is enough to give anyone an insecurity complex. It also causes other people to buy into this narrative, sometimes even subconsciously.
For example, just a few months ago I found myself griping to a partner mid-hookup for not having protection on him. “What kind of self-respecting 20-something dude doesn’t carry condoms?” I muttered at him as I tore through my sock drawer (because, naturally, I didn’t have any either).
He shrugged. “I just…don’t.”
At the time, we made do by raiding my housemate’s stash (with permission) and then forgetting about the snag. Later, though, I realized that though I rabidly fight against slut-shaming, it was arguably just as damaging for me to snark at that guy for not being perceptibly “eager enough” to bone.
Automatically assuming that dudes constantly have sex on the brain is part of the same power imbalance that forces women to downplay their sexualities so as to not be considered “easy.” Frankly, demanding to know why someone hasn’t adhered their individual interest in sex to a constantly shifting norm is a shitty thing to do to anyone, period.
It was certainly an asshole move on my part, and I apologized the next time my friend and I ran into each other. Especially considering the fact that my own once-every-10-minutes sex-thought schedule puts me well above the alleged average for respectable young women, I felt (and still feel) like a Grade-A hypocrite.
But that’s how insidious these stereotypes are, and studies like the one out of Ohio State aren’t helping. The fact that they continue to be funded and then publicized implies that some “ideal” interest in sex is as easy to scientifically standardize as a daily Vitamin C requirement.
These studies are almost always framed as though they’ll provide a final answer to questions about sexuality; in reality, they only serve to further complicate the myths. And that’s not good for people of any gender.
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Kate Tweets almost as often as she thinks about sex, which is quite often. Sorry: @katchatters
by Kate Conway
Originally appeared at xoJane
More from our partners at xoJane.com:
Just Because I’m a Temp Doesn’t Mean You Can Sexually Harass Me
When Is The Right Time To Tell the Guy Who’s Hitting On You That You’re a Lesbian
My Career is Not Cool, and I’m Okay With That
Here’s a guy who’s worried about friendship: https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/who-gets-custody-of-our-friends/
With those studies, I’ve always wondered about how “times” is defined. I remember as an undergrad daydreaming through most of a particularly boring 50-minute lecture, weaving sexual fantasy in with all sorts of other daydreams. I’m not sure immediately afterwards that I could tell an interviewer if that was “one time” thinking about sex or “50 times.” I’d also need to know how “thinking about sex” is defined. If I stared admiringly and mindlessly at the back of the neck of a female fellow student for minutes at a time, does that count as thinking about sex? Also, I suspect… Read more »
Kate’s openness and willingness to acknowledge that she was helping to perpetuate the stereotype is very refreshing. I will say that in my humble opinion, a study that attempts to quantify what is a “normal” about to think about sex is flawed for a variety of reasons. Two of the bigger ones: 1) every person is completely unique in their sexual needs, thoughts and wants. And to that person, whatever their level of thought they put into sex is their very own “normal”. 2) Societal/religious pressure factors heavily into how much people will even confess to how much they think… Read more »
I’m just glad I’m capable of multitasking. Imagine if I couldn’t do laundry, work at my job, go shopping, cook food, etc. and think about sex at the same time. I wouldn’t get anything accomplished. 🙂
My take on the guys carrying condoms thing: If you’re on a date with me, I presume that you have at least entertained the idea that we might have sex at the end of it, because I certainly have, otherwise I probably wouldn’t be there. And if you HAVE, and you didn’t bother to stop and buy a condom, then you implicitly telling me that the burden (and cost) of contraception is my responsibility, my thing to worry about as a woman. So yeah, that freaking pisses the hell out of me. Also sometimes I ENJOY the fact that a… Read more »
You should print that explanation out on a card to pass out before dates. Should certainly reduce any issues you have with not having condoms handy when needed.
I don’t track how often I think about sex. Like the guy above measuring out medicines… a busy day at work and unless someone really striking wanders into the office, I might go 8 hours or more. On the other hand, on a warm day, walking downtown, I’ll notice every shapely young woman in a summer dress. Who know’s what it averages out to? I doubt the study cited provided results that surprised or enlightened anyone. But why the rush to bash the authors for trying to quantify something? Are we seriously to the point of accepting or rejecting research… Read more »
Even Ava Cadell’s debunking of the myth is unhelpful; whilst it’s true that my head has been turned by a sexy mannequin from time to time (LOL), it’s not true that every time I see an attractive woman I “automatically” try to imagine her naked. Automatically? Every time? That’s a ridiculous assertion, and hardly helps allay the fears that we’re all predatory – the whole tone of that video is still implying that our drives are the more powerful. Yeah, thanks Ava for putting the record straight.
Oh that last sentence was supposed to be in a sarcastic tone of voice. Did that come across?
“…it’s not true that every time I see an attractive woman I “automatically” try to imagine her naked. Automatically? Every time?”
Not to mention the obvious point that I don’t have to imagine a woman naked to imagine having sex with her. And imagining her naked doesn’t mean I’m imagining having sex with her.
Excellent point, well made!
Seriously, if a guy think about sex every 7 second, how is he gonna accomplished anything in his life? How is he gonna study for exam, how is he gonna take care of their family and friends, how is he gonna find a job, how is he gonna do his job? If all men think about sex in every 7 second, there would be no Isaac Newton, James Clerk Maxwell, Albert Einstein, Weiner Heisenberg, Max Plank, Richard Feynmann. There would be no theory of gravity, electricity, relativity, and quantum physics. Men think about anything, just like women. Thats why we… Read more »
Agreed. There’s simply not time to think about sex every seven seconds–while you’re eating, shitting, hanging out with friends, working, thinking, working out, etc. I’d be interested to find out about the sex lives of the men you listed–Newton, Maxwell, Einstein, Heisenberg, Planck, or Feynmann–not to mention George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or Patrick Henry. I doubt any of them had a lot of sex, or a lot of sex partners. In fact, many great world leaders and scientists were mostly celibate or closeted homosexuals who were societally prevented from acting out their desires. Result? All that sexual energy goes into… Read more »
Maybe it’s just an average? Perhaps the most successful ones just furiously think about sex for an hour every morning, 500 times between 8 am and 9 am, so it then averages out to every few seconds….
I mean, if you put it that way; does it count of you think about it solidly for 20 minutes every two hours? Or does it have to be an individual isolated unit of “thinking about sex” every seven seconds? I mean they say once every seven seconds but they don’t say for how long. I mean to think about sex once every seven seconds regularly you’d have to drop the idea within the seven seconds to be ready for the next sexual thought. Which means that when we think of sex we must think of it for less than… Read more »
Since I grew up with the term “typical” being the worst criticism one could receive, I think I probably also grew up trying not to be a man just as much as I grew up trying to be a man as well. If you see what I mean; trying to live up to the positive aspects (i.e. not being a “wimp”) but at the same time trying to not exhibit any of the negative aspects (i.e. not being “typical”). But no, I rarely carry condoms unless I’m in a relationship precisely because I don’t want a woman to think that… Read more »
I am curious to hear your thoughts on the below but I ask that you please comment with respect and let this be an exercise in growth and understanding instead of a gender war: I get the impression that many women confuse sameness with equality. To do that is to accept the patriarchal argument that masculinity is superior and femininity is worth less. But of course if we can just pretend that some traits do not belong more to men than women, then we can make up terms like things being “gender neutral”, when in fact most of the traits… Read more »
Look at the article on femmephobia, I linked to it in my comment below.
But I don’t get that what you’re saying is relevant specifically to this article. Are you maintaining that a high sex drive is a masculine thing, against all the evidence to the contrary?
This got me to wondering about how often I might think about sex. Honestly I have no idea but I know I think about it at least a few times a day. I am married, we have sex, it is enjoyable and we are in our late 20’s so it is, without a doubt, something that gets thought about. Is that bad? No. Does it mean I am some dumb, horny, knuckle-dragger? Well, no, but it does make me human. I enjoy sex and foreplay and all of the other enjoyable things that come with it just as much as… Read more »
what actually makes for a sexual thought? Is it a virtual undressing? Or virtual penetration? Or just a tingling in the groin?? Or is it seeing children climbing on the furniture?
Exactly. Men can be aroused without even thinking about sex. At least the way I understand the word thinking. This topic is just so much nonsense. Just more gunk to create readership.
I have a high sex drive….but I go hours n hours without thinking of sex. I can go 8 hours in a stretch if I am busy with a project but still want sex multiple times a day. Even once every 30 minutes is a stretch…Just depends on activity and who I am talking to.
Oh my this was great! Thank you! I feel much better knowing I’m not the only brain slut out there. Haha.
But seriously, thank you for this eye opening perspective.
It helps me to better understand and accept myself, my lover(s), and my adult son and daughter, my two greatest teachers.
Far more than any metric survey does.
Great writing!
I really like that Kate admits that sometimes our first instinct, because of this binary of “men want it and women resist it” that we’ve been taught, is to “shame” or make fun of guys who aren’t the stereotypical sex-obsessed pigs.
Love this piece. Love her honesty.
I really like that Kate admits that sometimes our first instinct, because of this binary of “men want it and women resist it” that we’ve been taught, is to “shame” or make fun of guys who aren’t the stereotypical sex-obsessed pigs.
While at the same time trying to shame those who do act the part of the stereotypical sex obsessed pig.
There is a need to shame guys about their sexuality no matter which way it goes it seems. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
Hi Danny
It is so much easier to be a woman . Stay a virgin until you marry and everybody is happy,even if it takes you centuries to find the one.
And then when you are married,suddenly lots of sex and enthusiasm about sex many times a day is expected of you.
We are expected to he able to turn desire off and on just like that.
Trying to figure out which one has it easier in terms of sex is folly. I’m willing to say and recognize it’s horrible for both sides. Stay a virgin until you marry and everybody is happy…. Here’s my take on the concept of virginity. For women its regarded as a treasure that must be protected at all costs and if she loses it, even if its taken from her (aka rape) she’s regarded as bad. For men its regarded as a curse that must be dispelled at all costs and if it isn’t, even if it’s because he doesn’t want… Read more »
Good insight Danny.
Although, in your description of a male virgin, I’d replace the term “Bad” with “Failure”.
Excellent insight.
I also have never expected any of my partners to be virgins; in fact I’ve always kind of assumed in most cases that they have had more partners than I have. I think expecting a woman to stay a virgin until she marries would only be in country’s that are heavily religious wouldn’t it?
Hi Danny
Expect if he is a priest in celibacy ,or a munk.
Women fantasize about many of those men 🙂
I like the use of the term “jerk wad” =)