Doug Zeigler’s marriage is tainted by only one thing: his beloved wife’s ex-husband.
Few things bring me more joy than seeing my wife smile. It doesn’t just brighten up the room, it illuminates my entire day. Fortunately, this is a very common thing, since we both love to live and make each other the focus of each other’s happiness. There is something that does, rather quickly, take that smile I adore away from her wonderfully freckled face: certain calls or texts from her ex-husband.
My wife and I were both previously married and we have each brought 2 children from those relationships to our home. My ex-wife has evolved to being pretty understanding and flexible when it comes to the kids. It wasn’t always that way, but we’re glad it has come to that place. My wife’s ex, however, can be the exact opposite, which is where I struggle to figure out how to deal with his petty tirades.
Naturally, it all centers on the kids. He’s well-known for being hyper-competitive as well as having a superiority complex, especially when it comes to women. Since my wife is not shy about expressing her opinion (a trait I wouldn’t trade for anything), they do collide on how to raise the girls. I guess you could say that’s to be expected when two people divorce and have children. Here’s where my struggles begin: when they do have these collisions, he’s incredibly disrespectful and dismissive. He belittles and insults her. Despite her tremendous parenting skills, he does what he can to undermine her natural abilities as a mother.
I want to rush to her side and confront him, and tell him how wrong he is and how he is not allowed to disrespect my wife, the lady who bore his children. To be brutally honest, there are times where I wish I could pummel him. I’m not at all the violent type, but that doesn’t mean my brain doesn’t have little fantasies about inflicting harm on someone who is hurting my wife. I could never bring myself to do that since it would be ethically wrong as well as a poor example to all of our kids.
I don’t retaliate at all, verbally or otherwise. I do nothing for the sake of the girls, whom I love like my own. He’s the type that would take his pettiness out on them, and be rude or mean to them. Their lives are hard enough, and I will not make it more difficult for them over his slights and overall douchebaggery. They deserve more than that, even if my ego takes a hammer blow by remaining silent when he’s throwing his jibes at her and getting under her skin as only an ex can.
Does that make me more or less of a man? It’s a question I’ve yet to find a concrete answer on. The noble part of me says that being silent is the better route for the girls so that there is a more peaceable experience at his house. The primal part of me questions my machismo since I’m not standing up for the woman I love. I suspect I’ll have this internal battle for years to come. But for now, I just keep basking in that smile and try to shelve these questions for the next outburst.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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I clicked on your article because I wanted to see if I recognized myself in your description of the “nightmare ex.” While I know myself well enough to know that I could be what you described, thankfully I have spent many years now, working to be something better. I have an 11 year old daughter who lives with her mother, her step-father and a step-brother. I don’t have any other children, so she is my pride and joy. I have high expectations of myself, to show my daughter how to interact with the world in a self-sufficient, assertive and empowered… Read more »
Kerry, Thanks for the thorough and thoughtful response. There is some context that I didn’t share in the initial article that I’ll share now: my wife’s ex will not talk to me. In fact, when he drops our daughters off, he doesn’t even come to our door to give us any information, like if they were sick or if they’ve eaten, or anything of that ilk. A few other points: I completely agree with being consistent, which is what I strive for in life as a whole. I will say he’s consistent in his behaviors, and I’ve long ago realized… Read more »
I could also spell “opposed” correctly. That would be good, I think.
Maia,
It’s good to hear from someone who dealt with this sort of thing from the kids’ persepctive. It helps bolster my stance of supporting them as much as I can (and my wife as well) without creating more stress and drama.
The fact that you look to your step-father as the model for what a decent man should be despite that he and your mother are no longer together speaks volumes about the quality of man he is. I’m glad you had someone like that in your life.
Hi Doug. My own stepfather used your tactic. He stayed out of the direct confrontations my mom and dad had and he never said anything critical about my father, unless me and my brother initiated the conversation. Still there he’d mostly listen and build up our confidence, instead of tearing it down, like our father unintentionally often did. Some say that women find partners that resemble their father. I’ve married a man that resembles my stepfather. Even though he and my mom is no longer together, he’s still the person who showed me what it is to be a decent… Read more »
Dude, you are the best thing that has happened to your wife and the kids life. I respect you greatly for your patience in this matter. You are a great role model for the kids, and i’m proud of you for that. I do have to agree with hannah on ‘Witnessing their mother being protected by you is a good thing. Seeing you stand side-by-side with her even better.’ Showing them the real love and compassion of a man and husband will do wonders for the girls when they get to the age of looking for their Spouse. God Bless… Read more »
Rob,
Thanks for the kind words, my friend! Hope you and your family are doing as well as can be, and thanks so much for taking the time to read this. 🙂
Doug
Doug, James, for what it is worth, it’s really heartening to read of two men so concerned with the welfare of their children and setting a good example. There are too few great male role models so it’s lovely to read of two on this page 🙂
Thanks for the compliment, Hannah. Above all, the welfare of the children is paramount. I firmly believe that over time our girls will come to see how things really work without any explanation from us. Karma and all that, you know? 🙂 And thanks for reading.
I would just let the girls see you hug your wife and say you love her and tell her she’s a great mom and stuff.
Being loving and supportive is the better approach, IMO.
But this is coming from a guy who’s been told that he lets his ex-wife get away with too much when I turn the other cheek for the sake of the kids.
James,
It’s not easy for your wife/significant other to see you turning the other cheek in that case either because they love you and want the best for you. Things were not always easy with my ex-wife, and it was hard for my wife to deal with at times. But over time, I honestly do think things work out for the best as long as the kids’ needs are kept at the forefront. Keep up the good fight!
Hey Doug, If the children are witnessing this, I say go for it and stand up for your wife. Sure, he’s going to be a douchebag but the one thing the girls will learn, if not from their biological father, is that they deserve respect and they deserve respect from any man in their life. Witnessing their mother being protected by you is a good thing. Seeing you stand side-by-side with her even better. He might be petty, he might take it out on them but better they have an honest understanding than have their illusion crushed when they’re older.… Read more »
@Hannah I’ve certainly considered this option. What works against that approach, at least in my mind, is twofold: one is that he absolutely would take his anger at me out on my daughters; and two is that it goes against my somewhat buddhist approach to life, which is to live life as happily as I can and demonstrate that attitude to all our kids. There is a lot to be said for standing up for those you love; but even my wife has said this is the best approach for the girls sake. I certainly do struggle mightily about it,… Read more »
Additionally, Hannah, my wife I try to keep our kids separate from any and all adult confrontations. But we are human, and there is spillover at times. We just try our best to show through our actions that we love them unconditionally.
If you confront the guy in front of his own kids, the problem is bound to escalate. The kids will suffer from witnessing this. If you are going to confront him, do it away from the kids, who regardless of who is right, take sides with their own dad 9 out of 10 times. Secondly, if he feels that you are interfering with his relation with his girls (not yours) and he was my friend, I would personally accompany him to kick your tail and would not let go of it. Any confrontation by you will for sure escalate the… Read more »
You and I are of the same mind on this, Rick. I hadn’t considered it from his side very much, but it is a view I needed. Thanks!