Michael Blaustein offers a peek into life as a man with Bipolar Disorder, and offers some tips on how to be a better friend to someone with Bipolar.
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“The worst thing you can call someone is crazy. It’s dismissive. ‘I don’t understand this person, so they’re crazy.’ That’s bullshit. These people are not crazy, they’re strong people.” — Dave Chappelle in 2006 on “Inside the Actors Studio,” after he reportedly turned down $40M, walked away from his show on Comedy Central and proceeded to spend a few months in Africa.
And with that, Dave Chapelle turned to light a cigarette he’d been playing with while the crowd on “Inside the Actor’s Studio” applauded him. I remember the first time I saw that clip. I remember crying. Crying because I knew exactly what Chapelle was talking about, crying because I knew I was crazy.
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Rule No. 1 of how not to be a dick to your friend with bipolar disorder. DO. NOT. CALL. US. CRAZY.
Because you know what, we’re not crazy. We’re awesome and strong. We just experience irrational moods and emotions far more often than you do.
Someone punches you in the face; you get angry. That’s rational; that anger happened for a reason. Your girlfriend wakes you up with oral sex, and you glow for the rest of the day. That is rational too, your good mood happened for a reason. (Hint: it wasn’t the blow job; it was the thought/love/awesomeness that counted).
But there are other feelings, emotions and moods we all feel that don’t happen for a reason (or at least we’re not aware of why they’re happening). You experience them, try to think about what happened to cause them … and … nothing. Your mind draws a blank. You can’t figure them out, you can’t find a narrative from your experience that tells you why they happened. Some of those, the ones that truly do not have a cause, those are irrational feelings/emotions/moods. Us bipolar people have those feelings all the goddamned time.
I’m in the gym. I’ve just worked out. I’m hungry, exhausted and I’m stretching. And then it starts to build. It starts in the back of my shoulders, and it feels like a warm glow that tingles. It builds. I start smiling. I can’t help it. Now I have a HUGE smile on my face while I’m stretching my hamstrings and it feels like my chest is on fire. It is a ball of goodness and happiness and love and all that is right and good and wonderful in life and it grows and grows and IT FEELS SO GOOD THAT I WANT TO PRY MY CHEST PLATE OPEN WITH MY HANDS TO RELIEVE THE PRESSURE. Then it crashes. And I’m crying. Weeping. In a corner of the gym. Last Wednesday.
That’s what my mania feels like for me now. It’s not crazy. It’s just different. Without judgment.
Rule No. 2: Don’t tell me to calm down.
Today is not going to be a good day. There’s a black cloud hanging over my shoulder no matter which way I turn. It lingers, putting everything in the shade. But only I can feel it. It is really dark, I’m alone in the world, I know this better than I know anything else. And the world is cruel and doesn’t accept me and doesn’t want me because I am awful. I’m barely holding in my tears.
Don’t invalidate what I am feeling — whether it is good or bad — because it is real to me. It might sound surreal, out there, disconnected or too much TO YOU, but it is none of those things TO ME. To me it is real, and when you tell me to calm down, it sounds like you don’t understand or can’t relate to what is happening with me. THAT IS OK. Own that. Chill in your lack of understanding, but don’t push that onto me by invalidating my feeling. Instead, maybe try what my brother did when I tried to explain what mania feels, he said, “Wow, that sounds pretty intense.”
Boom. Done. Feeling? Acknowledged. Because it DOES sound pretty intense! Hey hey! Stating facts! Can’t argue with that.
Rule No. 3: Don’t feel sorry for us, don’t pity us, don’t think that life sucks for us.
There are many reasons why being pitied sucks for us bipolar people (as it does for all people really). First, when I first started feeling my bipolar disorder in the 4th grade it was terrifying. I DID feel crazy. I felt out of control. I felt completely and utterly “Other” when I compared myself to my classmates. I used to stop myself during recess, find a lonesome spot on the curb near the door to my classroom, and curl up in a ball and try and stop myself from feeling anything at all. I don’t know if every bipolar person has experienced this, obviously, but when you pity us you are saying that we are lesser than you, that our life sucks, that we ARE different from you and are something to be feared.
We aren’t.
We’re wonderful people who experience the ups and downs of life just like you do. But for us, the waves are a bit higher, the depths are a bit lower, and the time it takes to get from one to the other is much faster.
It’s actually not worse or better or crazy.
The only thing it is — to identify it precisely — is different.
Please stop stigmatizing what you do not understand.
Originally appeared at xoJane
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So you tell me you are crazy, THEN you tell me not to call you what you call yourself. Get a grip and learn to accept yourself. I dont know where this imaginary borderline between sane and crazy is since to me a lot of people otherwise adjudicated sane seem pretty dang crazy to me. If you are out in left you field, you are out in left field, and if I am a friend I should tell you that. I am not invalidating anything, I am simply pointing out to you that you are in left field. You need… Read more »
And Dont Try to Cheer us Up!! It won’t work, and it’s really annoying, so is likely to make things worse. Acting goofy to try to cheer up an irrational mood is itself irrational.
I have a bipolar aunt and a bipolar former friend. I lived with their ups and downs for decades, and tiptoed around them, constantly walking on eggshells to prevent triggering something horrible. A much bigger issue in my life than being a good friend to these two was the horrible way that they treated me and others when they were “down”. I was emotionally abused, time and time again, and forgave that treatment because I thought that they couldn’t help it. I saw my aunt physically assault my mother during particularly bad episodes when I was a child, and later,… Read more »
You NAILED it with number 2. When I get told to calm down, it can be in the most loving affectionate way possible and you can touch me gently but your words triggered a reaction so severe that if you dare lay one f?!%king finger on me, there goes your front teeth. I have to take some pretty strong meds to avoid that knee jerk reaction. A gentle touch to a bipolar you just set off can feel like a sizzling hot iron.
I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 16. I’ve been off and on medication for the eleven years since. It’s a hard disease to explain or understand. Even when talking with other sufferers. Some guys chase mania like a high, searching for that feel good trigger. Some of us try and make these irrational waves of emotion somehow rational, tying them to non-existent triggers. As a man, I’m socialized to a certain, albeit changing, level of stoicism. Both women and other men are disconcerted by my moods. I’ve learned to treat emotions like hallucinations. If no one else can… Read more »