Dr. NerdLove discusses the number one quality women find attractive in a man, and offers tips for how to increase that factor in your life.
Men spend a lot of time worrying about being more attractive to women. Men tend to feel as though they’re at a disadvantage when it comes to dating and consistently look for the magic bullet that will maximize their efforts. Because of the pervasive belief that sperm is cheap and eggs are expensive – the idea that women grant sexual access only to those who offer the best “value” – they tend to focus on the most obvious aspects of what supposedly makes men attractive: looks and material wealth, with “status” following third.
The problem is that they’re working on the wrong areas and a misunderstanding of just what makes somebody appealing to women. Yeah, good looks can help – nobody denies that being gorgeous doesn’t have an impact on one’s life – but not only is it not the only thing that counts… more often than not it’s not even in the top 5 of what makes a man attractive.
More than looks, more than money, more than whatever nebulous definition you want to give to “value” or “status”, the most attractive aspect of a man, that x-factor that nets him attention, attraction and dates is…
…fun.
Wait, WHAT?
Over the years as I was trying to make my transition from “dateless loser” to “ladies man”, I got to know a wide variety of folks who were good with women. Some were blessed with every advantage – classic good looks, money and charm – while others had to work for their success. And yet there were a few people in my social circle who could – to put it charitably – punch well outside of their apparent weight class. They were not classically handsome – in fact, many of them were fat and balding. They weren’t “high-status males” with impressive jobs or flashy cars and fancy clothes. They didn’t have useful contacts for the social climbers or the money for those supposedly hypergamous women looking for the next level. They were strictly average dudes… who still managed to date sexy, intelligent, ambitious women.
Their secret was very simple: they were fun to hang around with. If you talked to them, then you were going to enjoy yourself. They knew how to make people feel good. They were genuine interesting people with stories to share and a genuine interest in getting to know the people they talked to. They made friends wherever they went. The bouncers, the bartenders, the waitstaff… they all loved these guys within minutes of meeting them. Everybody knew who they were. Everybody wanted to hang out with them.
Small wonder that they were so consistently successful.
The fact that they were fun to be with was all it took to flip those attraction switches. Being fun, being able to help someone enjoy themselves transcended looks and status. It gave them a notable, long-term advantage over the guys who were all surface and flash, the ones who only had a handful of tricks and routines to rely on and the ones who got by on social pressure and status games.
It took me a while to appreciate just what they had but once I understood, it was like a new world opened up to me. I began to see just how integral being fun was to a successful dating life… and I started to understand how to integrate it into my approach towards women.
“What Do You See In That Guy?” “He Makes Me Laugh”.
It’s a very simple premise: we instinctively like people who make us feel good. The better they make us feel, the more we like them.
It’s known as the Reward Theory of Attraction—we are attracted to people whose presence or behavior makes us feel appreciated and liked. When the feeling of pleasure at a person’s involvement in our lives outweighs the costs (someone who’s fun to hang around with but who causes problems through his behavior, for example) then we tend to be drawn towards that relationship over others. The brain increases dopamine and norepinephirine, which regulates the brain’s pleasure and reward centers. We associate the pleasure with the person and thus want to spend more time in their presence.
This is part of why a sense of humor ranks so highly in every poll about what makes men attractive. Laughter produces endorphins that go straight to the pleasure centers of your brain and relieves physical tension and stress in the muscles making you feel more relaxed. Making you feel good triggers the instincts that tell us that these are people we should like and enforce that feeling with a shot of dopamine.
Many geeks and outcasts learned in high-school that being funny as a means of self-defense; making people laugh helped keep you from getting your ass kicked. Who knew that one day you could turn it around and use those same skills as a part of a way of getting dates?
However, as much as making people feel good makes them like us, there’s more to it.
Someone who is fun tends to be more confident in themselves – after all, it’s hard to be fun when you’re too worried about looking silly or acting childish. Fun people are also positive; excessively negative people suck the energy out of the room and kill the mood while positive people help generate energy. Fun people make others feel comfortable and have a better grasp on how to read people’s signs and moods and can adjust themselves as needed. This makes the difference between someone who’s fun and someone who’s just a clown: fun people can find the line and know when things are appropriate or not while a clown tends to blunder on regardless of mood or intent. Fun people are interesting – they tend to have diverse interests that they enjoy and have stories to share.
Fun as Dating Strategy
This isn’t to say that it’s just a matter of telling a few jokes until you manage to laugh them into bed.
Being fun is a holistic part of dating and attraction—it influences everything about what makes someone attractive.
Once I understood the appeal of fun, I began to recognize how it formed the underpinnings of everything I’d learned up to that point—and how much I had seen it in action over the years. My friend Miles—he who attracts women the way cheese attracts mice—was successful not just because he looked like the bastard son of Hugh Grant and Rob Lowe but because he knew how to be fun. He was naturally outgoing and positive and instinctively understood how to make people feel good, how to feel special. He was a genuinely nice guy who liked to tease and play around with everyone—especially the girls he was attracted to – and they would respond with great enthusiasm.
Take bantering and antagonistic flirting, for example. I enjoy bantering as a means of flirting because it meshes with my personality and it’s a method of screening for the type of women I am most attracted to. I get a charge from sharp women who enjoy that sort of witty duel-by-wordplay. When done properly, it’s a game of verbal sparring back and forth, matching wits and humor with gentle ribbing and sexually charged teasing… and it’s insanely fun for everyone involved.
Being fun and helping others have fun is a way of keeping dates and potential relationship partners engaged and invested in the relationship. It’s a vital part of the chemistry that helps ensure that not only will she enjoy the first date but that she’ll be interested in coming back for a second… and even a third date. The worst dates aren’t the ones that go badly but the ones that are utterly unremarkable. A bad date can be salvaged after all; a boring date just drains the life out of everyone involved.
Even building sexual tension involves understanding fun. Proper, deliberate sexual tension is like a roller-coaster ride: the deliberate slow build-up of anticipation at the very beginning cresting at the absolute height of almost unbearable frustration and the sudden thrill of the release at juuuuust the right moment. Even little tricks like the “almost-kiss” are built on the idea of fun; it’s unselfconsciously, deliberately cheesy… and yet when delivered properly, it’s silliness is a significant part of it’s appeal. You’re playing a naughty game like a pair of horny teenagers, seeing just how far you can push things before one or both of you simply can’t stand it any longer.
The more that you can bring a sense of fun into your dating life, the more success you will have.
Fun As Social Proof
Much is made about the concept of social proof: the idea that the behavior of others is a model for how one should act. In a social context, a person with social proof—say, a crowd of people around him has been vetted by others; people are responding positively to him, therefore he is someone others should want to get to know and pay attention to. It generates something known as the halo effect—where positive aspects of a person influence others into assuming more positive aspects about them. People like this person, therefor he must be cool.
Pick-up artists often try to manipulate social proof as a way of establishing to others that they’re cool or desirable. This is often managed by trying to be surrounded by attractive women; the effect is to say “These beautiful people find me compelling; clearly they know something you don’t, so you should find me compelling.”
And yet being fun is a simpler and more organic way of generating social proof—without having to rely on status games or trickery. To be fun is to bring legitimate value to an interaction rather than trying to leverage social contracts and often coercive tactics.
Think of it in terms of a party. There’s always those people who are seen as being the life of the party, who tend to have many people hanging around them. These are often (but not always) the most fun people. When people see others hanging around and wanting your attention, others – like that cute brunette you’ve had your eyes on—will naturally gravitate towards you. The fact that others view you as someone to spend time with will help invoke that halo effect that will make you shine even more in other’s eyes.
Even if you’re on the introverted side of the personality spectrum, you can make fun-as-social-proof work for you; it’s a matter of establishing a reputation as much as it is about being seen in the “proper” light. Introverts often work best in one-on-one situations and so can take advantage of the situation by having interesting, intense conversations. Being fun isn’t just about being the entertainer, it’s about how you make others feel.
How To Be Fun
The most obvious way of being fun is to be funny; after all, the appeal of a man with a sense of humor is nearly universal. However, not everybody is going to be a laugh riot, nor is it the only way to be fun.
So what are some other ways of bringing more fun into your dating life?
Pick Offbeat Dates
Everybody’s done dinner and a movie; you want to stand out by taking your date somewhere different. If you can’t be funny yourself, you can always borrow somebody else’s sense of humor for the night and take her to a comedy club or improv performance. If you’re dating a foodie, try signing up for a couple’s cooking class or a wine tasting. You want something different than what she’s used to—novelty helps produce dopamine in the brain, after all.
Explore Your Passions
It can’t be said enough: a person who explores and pursues their passions in life and can communicate them to others are people who are interesting. So many people live day-to-day humdrum lives of boring routines; having passion makes you stand out. It’s an attractive trait, one that women adore because people who are passionate have drive and intensity. They have taken charge of their lives and their enthusiasm carries others along… and that is incredibly fun.
Embrace Your Competitive Side
There’s nothing quite like a little rivalry to liven things up. The playful smack-talk, the tension when scores are tied, the thrill of victory… these get your hearts pumping, the juices flowing and the senses come alive. Few things are quite as fun – or arousing – as a friendly competition. Bowling, laser tag, mini-golf, go-kart racing, pool… as long as there’s a contest for winner and loser, you’re likely to have fun.
Master The Art of Conversation
The old adage is true: interested is interesting. We love nothing more than a chance to talk about ourselves to an audience that really gets us and wants to know more. All too often we don’t encounter people who actually want to converse so much as people who are waiting for their turn to talk. Being a master conversationalist and utilizing active listening can lead to long, deep and in-depth discussions about life, the universe and everything… and make you both feel as though you’ve known each other for years instead of hours.
Collect Stories
Just as few people have passion in their lives, few people are interested in finding new experiences. Sometimes it’s worth going out and doing things just because you know there will be a story involved at the end. Take some chances and try things you’ve never done before… and build that bond between the two of you by experiencing them together. Whether it’s exploring your city without a map or a plan and just letting whim guide you, signing up for a beginner’s line-dancing session, going geocaching or even an impromptu picnic out under a blanket of shooting stars, you should make a point of finding exciting new opportunities for escapades and exploits. Sharing these new and awesome adventures will be more fun than you could ever imagine… and bring you closer together than you ever dreamed.
Originally appeared at Paging Dr. NerdLove
More from Harris O’Malley
Photo: Flickr/natalie419
“And yet there were a few people in my social circle who could – to put it charitably – punch well outside of their apparent weight class. They were not classically handsome – in fact, many of them were fat and balding. They weren’t “high-status males” with impressive jobs or flashy cars and fancy clothes. They didn’t have useful contacts for the social climbers or the money for those supposedly hypergamous women looking for the next level. They were strictly average dudes… who still managed to date sexy, intelligent, ambitious women.” So let me get this right Dr. Nerd Love,… Read more »
Erin.
If I, as a guy, have to do all the heavy lifting to get a relationship going why shouldn’t I go for the people that I find most attractive?
Maybe heavy lifting is not really necessary, but I think you gotta take care of your appearance. Dress nice, groom nice. After all most men who got into serious heavy lifting and bodybuilding usually not doing it for women. Its our passion.
And although the truth is, attractive people usually are people who born with attractive features on their faces. Unless you want to use makeups, you wont change that. Thats why many women rely heavily on makeups, they know how it can really change the game.
Nistan, I understand that men have a lot to contend with in the dating world. I believe that men certainly have more pressure in dealing with the initial approach. But I don’t believe that just because there is a difference in expectations between men approaching women vs women approaching men, that means that only men do the “heavy lifting” to get a relationship. Men and women BOTH most contend with a lot of factors when it comes to dating. Men and women BOTH understand that dating is rarely easy for either side. Men and women BOTH have unqiue pressures they… Read more »
Here is what I would assert. It is harder for a man to get someone in his league than it is for a woman to get someone in their league. This is fair to a point because(most) men are less selective for certain biological and social reasons:
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/08/women-get-to-play-out-of-their-league.html
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/10/upper-hand-in-relationships.html
Sure Erin, both genders have a lot of difficulties in dating. But their severity are not the same. Did you know that Guys can be wooed? I met girls that aren’t that hot that have charmed me. You know what they often have in common? Most where bi or lesbians. Meaning they knew how to be charming and ACTIVE . This is the biggest difference between the sexes. Most hetero women are stuck on NEUTRAL. (Even your initial post was about how average men don’t notice average women Erin.) And what that does is that most women don’t try to… Read more »
Nistan, instead of asking: “Did you know that guys can be wooed”, perhaps next time try: “Do you woo men?” The first question has a pre-mediated idea in place about what you’ve hypothesized about me. The second question is more objective and direct. I felt that your first question was condescending. But I will answer it anyway because I have my own insights to offer. I am aware that guys can be wooed/charmed. However, usually the things used to “woo” men are not the same exact things used to “woo” women. I don’t interact with my female friends the same… Read more »
“Just because I do not approach men aggressively, does not mean I don’t know what it takes to charm or woo a man. Just because my approach is more subtle, doesn’t mean that I am being passive or not doing my own kind of wooing. ” What do you do exactly? “Often I see men make suggestions to women about how to be more like men. Instead of respecting and valuing the way women are and do things different from men.” Some believe that how “men do things” and “women do things” are largely arbitrary and socially constructed, you seem… Read more »
“I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship with a man that liked me because I was sweet and funny and because I approached him and made it easy for him but then spends the rest of his time while we are out ogling other hot women that he actually would have approached or looking at online porn. So women are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.” actually I agree with some of you said. But this paragraph is wrong. Again, you always generalize men and think men as a stereotyped gender. You are the type… Read more »
John, I know that my opinions of men are not always pretty. I do generalize. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know that other types of men exist. I speak from my experiences. So it’s impossible for you tell me I’m “wrong”. Look, I understand why you and people generally don’t like generalizations. But you argue about my generalizations when you made a generalization of me. Have you ever seen me call myself a feminist? To be honest, I don’t even know what that word means anymore because it’s been abused so much in conversation. Maybe I am one, maybe… Read more »
I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship with a man that liked me because I was sweet and funny and because I approached him and made it easy for him but then spends the rest of his time while we are out ogling other hot women that he actually would have approached or looking at online porn. But you want men to be perfectly ok with having to be the ones to approach women; make it easy for them; be liked for being sweet and funny; instead of actually being desired, lusted, longed for and chased after ?… Read more »
I don’t agree with you that I am hypocritical. That’s your opinion of me but not my opinion of myself. I do think men like feeling desired. I also think that what women sometimes stereotypically want to feel desired can be different from how men stereotypically sometimes want to be desired. I will use a pretty obvious example: strip clubs. Male and female strip clubs are not mirror images of each other. There are significant elements that make these two establishments different. There is a much larger quantity of strip clubs with female dancers then there are strip clubs with… Read more »
“Do I think this means that men don’t want to be desire? Not at all. I just think that sometimes the way men and women experience how they want to be desired can be different.” I don’t understand what the difference is. As a guy, I want to feel desired exactly like stereotypical women want to feel desired. I want my gf find me physically attractive and sexy, not just funny and confident. Maybe I’m just a minority? But looking at how many young guys go to gym nowadays, I do feel deep down every man want their wife/gf find… Read more »
Erin I am sick of women like you who like to tell men that we enjoy being the pursuers and prefer to be wanted/desired for other qualities rather than looks. Have you ever considered the possibility that men supplement themselves with other qualities; bring other things to the table; and be the initiators and pursuers because they don’t have an option? Because they know they wont be valued by women for their looks and bodies? Men are humans too and have no lesser need to feel desired and validated. The validation one gets from being desired for physical beauty is… Read more »
Tim, I never said that men enjoy being the pursuers or prefer to be wanted or desired for other qualities rather than their looks! But it’s ironic isn’t it that women want to be wanted for their internal qualities more and men want to be desired for their external ones. Maybe that tells us something about how men and women relate to each other. I suspect that the reason you are so desiring of experience a woman’s attraction to your physical body because of the rariety where you receive that attention. I suspect the true is same for women who… Read more »
“”””However, usually the things used to “woo” men are not the same exact things used to “woo” women. I don’t interact with my female friends the same way I interact with my boyfriends. I don’t want to have to interact with my boyfriends the same way I interact with females! If I did, then I would infact probably date women. While I think that the world is more gender progressive then ever before, and that is over-all a positive thing, the inherent reason I am attracted to men is because they are different from me, not the same.”””” People are… Read more »
If I, as a guy, have to do all the heavy lifting to get a relationship going why shouldn’t I go for the people that I find most attractive?
Exactly. Men have to invest a lot more (in terms of taking initiative and having good social skills) in courtship than women do, so they deserve at least a somewhat higher return for their investment.
Erin
Nerdluvver tries to give the impression that men who struggle at dating, and the men who need his advice, are average men who intend to date women outside their league.
I can assure you this impression is false and this happens only in media and Judd Apatow movies.
In reality AVERAGE men struggle to attract AVERAGE women.
Look, women are not any cooler or better than men, which means they do the same shitty stuff and do the same awesome stuff and should be judged by that stuff instead of “well, women are less shallow then men cuz they’re GODDESSES who are SHINY” Ugh. It’s so frickin’ annoying. It means everyone stands around and complains that women are attracted to sexy men, as if they shouldn’t be. Um, okay? Yes? Life sucks if you are ugly! That’s how life works! I sometimes wish I could be spontaneously male walking through town because I’d be less likely to… Read more »
Surprise! Women can be total shallow jerks, just like guys! I honestly think the equality movement starts with assuming everyone is an ass until proven otherwise. That’s what I do. Then when people act like jerks, I just shrug my shoulders and say, “Meh, that’s predictable.” And then when someone is nice and cool, it’s awesome and I feel lucky to have found them. It’s not a “male/female” thing. Wanda, as usual, you are the voice of logic and reason. (seriously, where can a guy find more women who think like you do?) I think the reason why NL gets… Read more »
Chemistry. Chemistry. Chemistry. Chemistry. Chemistry. And oh, one more thing… CHEMISTRY.
Is that why good looking men have far greater no of sexual partners?
If you want the answer to that question, look up a site called “The Rules Revisited,” and the articles “The Upper Hand in Relationships” and “Women Get to Play Out of Their League.”
Except “Chemistry, et al…” does nothing to contribute to this comment board. “Chemistry” is a basically a conscious acknowledgement by both partners that they want to have sex with each other. It requires TWO people to make happen. There is nothing that any individual guy can do to improve his “chemistry” without first considering what the person sitting across the table from him desires in a partner.
Its not that women are actively looking for funny guys.
Its just that in retrospect, when women look at the last 10 men they’ve slept with, they realize 1 or 2 among them were not that physically attractive but were funny; and they somehow ended up with them due to proximity and circumstances.
That becomes the evidence, supporting the “women want funny guys & looks don’t matter rhetoric” that we’re subjected to by women on these forums.
And that was more informative than this entire article. Some of you guys writing comments need to step up and write an article. Nerdlove is writing, however poorly.
There is a fundamental problem with advice like this that no one seems to notice. Its indirectly acknowledging that men don’t have anything inherently desirable about them, that women want. If we strip everyone of their social worth, their fun-factor, their usefulness, their circumstances; if we had nothing to offer each other, other than our bodies, genitlia and sexuality; most men would be simply worthless to women. Right? Is that what Nerdlove’s advice indirectly telling us? There is only so much Mastery of the art of conversation, exploration of passions, embracing our competitive sides, collection of stories and ‘being the… Read more »
Tim,
Speak the truth, you do. I also like the non-conventional direction you’re going. There is a strong “you can make $100,000 in two weeks if you follow these simple steps” vibe not only this entire article, but to this entire genre of dating and relationship advice literature. Do not hesitate to write more here if the spirit leads you.
we instinctively like people who make us feel good. The better they make us feel, the more we like them. It’s known as the Reward Theory of Attraction—we are attracted to people whose presence or behavior makes us feel appreciated and liked. If that were true women would be attracted to and pursuing guys who are agreeable ass kissers, doormats, flatterers who try to win their favor etc. We all know those men are either despised, in the friend zone or lose their appeal very quickly. You cannot create attraction by these things. You can never be desired for your… Read more »
Men measure their own attractiveness by women’s general willingness to offer them sex. Women gauge it by counting boyfriend offers relative to that of her friends (esp of the men they deem attractive). Why? Because we’re socialized to perceive this as what the other sex gives only to those who demonstrate significant value. We’re also disadvantaged by the fact that women’s narcissistic idealization of commitment and emotional masturbation to images of her man adoring her are assumed to be of greater moral value and inherent dignity than men’s fantasies of sexual pleasure and conquest.
@Herschele I don’t think that’s entirely true. Obvious people pleasers fail to meet their mark in making others feel good, because their attempts to do so are so obvious. “Bad boys” of the variety that women find attractive make women “feel good” because there is such a stark contrast between the good and bad emotional experiences they give. It’s exciting initially, because on a day-to-day level, a woman never knows what she’s going to experience next. However, over time the lack of stability itself becomes problematic, and many women grow to find it exhausting. On the other hand, a nice… Read more »
@Tim Parsons I came to the conclusion years ago that our society places very little inherent value in its men. Every single “Man Up” article ever written is basically some person saying, “The things you naturally enjoy doing as men are childish and immature. You need to ‘Man Up’ and contribute something of value to women and society.” As a rule, women only want to be with men who provide something to them of value… especially the things that they either can’t or struggle mightily to acquire themselves. That’s why men with riches, fame, and good-looks are so desirable. A… Read more »
The men here, myself included, just need good, realistic advice. Tell them to be funny and they’ll drop $200 on Louis C. K. videos, tell them to work out and they will hit the gym. There is no lack of work ethic here.
I’ve known plenty of men, like the character Dr NerdLove encourages men to be, in various social situations…. The physically unappealing funny guy in the workplace, classroom or group of friends; the guy who makes it his job to crack jokes, lighten up the mood, and make everyone laugh; the guy who plays harmless pranks; engages in playful teasing, flirtation and banter Nerdlove talks about. Everyone, including women, enjoys their company and they are missed if they aren’t present. I’ve almost always observed that women took no time in asserting their boundaries and putting them in their place, when those… Read more »
If I have to give one ultimate advice for men how to attract women, it is to get a gym membership. The first time I went to beach after working out for 1 year, I thought I was gonna die because of girls attention, seriously ( Can I touch your arms, your abs? ) .
And the plus is having better bodies really boost your confidence. Good looks + confidence = WIN
more often than not LOOKS are not even in the top 5 of what makes a man attractive. I’ve always been interested in what world women live in; what lens do they see the world through; what’s their perspective and sense of reasoning; and what exactly are they referring to when they claim looks aren’t even in the top 5 traits they want in men? The men who get a lot of attention from women; the men who are approached, pursued and chased the most by women; the men who are the subject of women’s crushes; the men who are… Read more »
When you ask women their sexual preferences they wont tell you what really gets them hot or what they’ll actually respond to / pursue in real life. They’d only mention the wholesome redeemable ‘background’ qualities. Its just the way women’s thought process works.
A Woman can be with a guy who resembles Brad Pitt and still claim she chose him for his inner beauty.
You don’t get a cookie for being nice or funny. Don’t expect me to fuck you just because you’re nice or funny. Most women I know are themselves sick of this advice being given to men over and over again. Looks absolutely matter. If I’m not physically attracted to a guy I wont have sex with him Period. It breeds a sense of entitlement among men who feel they deserve sex or a woman just because they’re being nice or funny. Guess what? If you expect me to bang you just because you’re nice and funny, then you’re not being… Read more »
“You don’t get a cookie for being nice or funny. Don’t expect me to fuck you just because you’re nice or funny. Most women I know are themselves sick of this advice being given to men over and over again. Looks absolutely matter. If I’m not physically attracted to a guy I wont have sex with him Period.” So I can put you down as agreeing this article is bad? “It breeds a sense of entitlement among men who feel they deserve sex or a woman just because they’re being nice or funny. ” No one here would say that,… Read more »
If I’m not physically attracted to a guy I wont have sex with him Period.
A for honesty.
I really wish I were friends with Bay Area Guy in real life.
@NinaKuar : I agree with you…these negative, “CHODE”-like comments is like Limberger cheese….not nice or funny at all…perhaps women are driven away by your negative vibes…?
Perhaps you can check out RSD videos (by Tyler Durden) on “Chauvinism and Misogyny”….your attitude is not attractive….at all..!
I frequent Nerdlove’s website every now and then. His readership predominantly consists of women and a handful of men who call themselves feminists.
Nerdlove exists to appease women. His advice is less effective than a poor man’s PUA.
Women love Dr Nerdlove because he downplays the importance of good looks, popularity and other outwardly/superficial qualities in men. I’ve come to believe that women feel the urge to be crowned the ‘less shallow gender’ or “the gender who is more forgiving on looks”. Women love to feel good about themselves that way.
I’ve always been interested in what world women live in; what lens do they see the world through; what’s their perspective and sense of reasoning; and what exactly are they referring to when they claim looks aren’t even in the top 5 traits they want in men? The men who get a lot of attention from women; the men who are approached, pursued and chased the most by women; the men who are the subject of women’s crushes; the men who are deemed ‘desirable’ by women; the men who have a lot of women interested in them; the men who… Read more »
Because there’s no mystery (NB: MONEY) in it.
Want to get women? Be good-looking, rich, and famous. You’ll have more women then you could ever know what to do with. Sure, we can’t all do that on a large scale, but I guarantee you the best looking, richest, and most popular guys within any given social group are doing considerably better with women than the funniest or funnest ones.
But Dr. Nerdlove and GMP can’t teach you how to be good-looking, rich, or famous, so we wind up with more and more (largely useless) articles like this.
I’ve come to believe that women feel the urge to be crowned the ‘less shallow gender’ or “the gender who is more forgiving on looks”. Women love to feel good about themselves that way.
Precisely. Which is why, as bad as this might sound, men cannot ever take what women say at face value. Instead, as Jules would always say, observe what women DO. What they say and what they do are often two very different things.
This is the kind of woman Nerdlove wants us to impress:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HszVyM6LtFQ
As long as everyone can make up their own definition about what’s “fun” in a prospective partner, then of course being “fun” will be an advantage…
Probably not terrible advice, on the whole. People are more likely to be attracted to you if they have fun with you, as an extremely general rule. However, this may be mixing up cause and effect a little bit. When you’re already attracted to someone, because of chemistry or whatever, especially if you start to get a crush on that person, that person will start to seem more fun, more funny, and more exciting to be around. That’s part of falling in love. It creates rose-colored classes in the people who are attracted to you. I believe the concept is… Read more »
watch this video and tell me women don’t care about looks :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3bNJQvMme0
hes not even funny at all
I’m tempted to email this woman, her videos have been better than any of Nerdlove’s articles:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdn0wAY1j3E
“I’ve never once had a woman tell me she was interested in sense of humor.”
Jimbo, a sense of humor is actually very important to me, it is right up there with smart, open minded, someone who never stops learning and genuine good guy. I have dated men that are not considered typically handsome and all but one was hilarious. But I reiterate to the world; CHEMISTRY trumps all.
No woman I’ve ever dated, including my wife, put any value on my sense of humor until they found me physically attractive. Women might think it’s a plus, but it doesn’t factor in on attractiveness.
I’m not a real believer in absolutes, but this is one of those things that I will definitely say the women and sense of humor thing is just dead wrong.
My take:
A guy is going to follow this advice: ask questions, listen to stories, try to be funny, try to make others feel good, etc. and when he expresses disappointment at lackluster results in the form of rejection or frequent “friendzoning”, Dr. Nerdlove will beat him over the head with charges of misogyny and sexual entitlement and admonishments to “man up.” In which case, the average man will deeply confused, frustrated and in over his head.
http://jargonator.tumblr.com/post/45113424589/nerdlove-article-review-and-self-assessment
“This is part of why a sense of humor ranks so highly in every poll about what makes men attractive.” and everyone who reads this on these comments knows it’s absolute garbage. We’ve been over it before. Women lie when answering these polls because they don’t want to seem shallow. Dave Berry said something along the lines of “if women were really interested in sense of humor I would have been getting laid all the time”. I’ve never once had a woman tell me she was interested in sense of humor, sure it’s great if you have it, but the… Read more »
Women lie when answering these polls because they don’t want to seem shallow. Exactly. Same thing with creep shaming. Women don’t want to admit that they’re just as shallow (if not more so) than men, so rather than admit that they found the latest guy hitting on them unattractive, they call him a “creep” and claim that his actions made them uncomfortable. I know Nerdlove is loathe to criticize women ever, but he’s doing no great service to them here. In fact this one is pretty good in talking about my biggest complaint I have about women and dating. They… Read more »
Maybe we should take a stab at it. I’m sure the readers of this site would appreciate some non-misandric dating articles.
Men tend to feel as though they’re at a disadvantage when it comes to dating
Nerdlover begins his article by belittling a very valid grievance of men that they are at a disadvantage in dating and attracting the opposite sex.
He says, Its just something we men feel and is obviously not the reality.
The reality is, afterall, something that eludes the understanding of all us.
Chemistry trumps all, people. You can grow to love almost any man if you have good chemistry with him. You have to be attracted to him on a visceral level to WANT to kiss him (no matter how “FUNNY” or “FUN” he is) to WANT make love to him, hunky model type or not. Mother Nature pulls you toward each other and you have to use your logical brain to assess the man and the situation to your best ability. Does being fun and funny help? Sure, no one wants to be with a dull, boring person but I’ve met… Read more »
I agree that chemistry trumps all. For example, I can be more relaxed and funny in front of woman I have connection with. With some women, I have zero sense of humor. I cannot think of any joke. But weirdly with my girlfriend, seems like I have unlimited source of jokes to make her laugh. So even being funny for me is relative to who you are with. At least for average guy like me. But some men are naturally comedian who can make anyone laugh. I’m certainly not one of those men, but it doesn’t matter for me.
If you’re funny and not good looking, you’re a monkey or a clown.
So untrue. Do you know how much Louis CK probably gets laid? Artie Lange? Gilbert fucking Gottfried?
You need to meed comedians and see the ass they get.
Those are celebrities, Joanna. Celebrities with money.
But it’s okay, I suppose all guys have to do is emulate their humor and they’ll get laid, just like average looking guys just have to mimic Ryan Gosling’s look and they’ll have as much success as him, right?
Nah, not only celebrities. I used to date a totally non-famous stand-up. He was slightly pudgy (and adorable, if you ask me) and very funny and profoundly broke (like 99% of stand-ups!). All his friends were the same, and the ones that weren’t totally trapped in self-loathing got SO many hot girls.
I have no reason to lie about this. Girls like funny guys. Louis CK is my celebrity crush. I’d probably feel the same way if I knew him in person and he wasn’t famous.
you and many women have dated funny men. And yet still men who have tremendous women fans are men like Ryan Gosling, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson, One Direction, who are very good looking. Just compare Louis CK women fans and Ryan Gosling women fans. Its not even a competition. Just because women and like funny guy, doesn’t mean they don’t care about looks. Just like because men like beautiful women, doesn’t mean we don’t care about women sense of humor and personality. Personally I have dated and sleep with women who are not so good looking but very charming and… Read more »
And still girls around the world wet their panties for Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling , Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson, One Direction, Super Junior, etc. Notice their similarity? Yes they are all good looking.
How much does Artie Lange the grocery store clerk get laid?
How much does Louis CK the McDonalds employee get laid?
How much does Gilbert Gottfried the busboy get laid?
A lot if they’re still REALLY funny.
Gottfried maybe not, mostly because he has a tremendously bed personality. But I’ve met Artie Lange and he’s charming (especially now that he’s sober).
The other thing that CK and Lange have is this innate confidence and charisma.
As a complete coincidence, I just read an article about Louis C K ’cause he’s coming to give a show in my “neck of the woods”.
And he’s reported to have said something along the line of his penis “being like that old and tired horse, all alone at the back end of the barn that noone cares about anymore”. 😉
Hi Sorry guys. Do not listen to another man tell you have to seduce women. Ask women ! Never in whole life time have I had a relationship with a “funny man”. This adviser is not clever. He is no psychologist,and think playing games will make you attractive. No offense ,but this is reading a magazine . A good sens of humar is great,but this adviser see only the surface of phenomena . I love the good men project,but not silly advice about what makes women like you. Women smell men,women know who is secure or not,and believe it or… Read more »
“Women smell men,women know who is secure or not,and believe it or not,women know if you will be good sexulally before anything has happened.”
Sorry I don’t buy it. Women is not might creature who knows everything about men. Sometimes you know but sometimes you don’t know, whether we are secure or whether we are going to good sexually or not. You are not different from us, MEN. We both have flaws and no one is more shallow. Its all depend on individuals, not GENDER
just be yourself. Although not all women would find you attractive, I’m sure there is one would find you attractive. My gf find my shyness attractive, although its commonly said women dont like shy men and prefer confident men. I’m guess my gf is just weird lol
Yesh, we men have to wait a lifetime trying to find the ONE woman who will find us according her taste. While an average woman can be desired by 1000’s of men who’d find her completely acceptable as it is.
Tell me, why are men so pathetic.?
Its about time we had answers for these questions
I guess I just don’t care anymore whether its one woman or 1000 women. If I’m pathetic because only one woman find me attractive, then be it. I’m pathetic. I don’t f*cking care anymore. I’m tired of all these advice about how men should be a ladies man, a man who is confident, funny, and know what women want. I’m a guy who is shy and sensitive. I’m not a comedian. Most women would find me repulsive, but I just don’t care anymore, really. Because thinking about all that stuff just makes me tired. I have ONE woman who love… Read more »
I think most men would find ONE woman loving them being enough for them.
But would you have had the same opinion (about not caring anymore) if the two of you hadn’t happen to meet each other?
Wrong. The two most attractive qualities are presence and social dominance.
Both are wrong. Depends on the woman.
I’m pretty tired of seeing these “Top Ten Traits Women Go Bonkers For” and “#1 Thing Women Look For In Men” types of articles. Such a lame generalization.
I’m sure the male equivalents are just as irritating for you.
The truth is that those are all desirable traits, but I wouldn’t say that any of them are #1 for me.
What quality do you women require to sexually attract a lot of men?
There are no websites teaching women how to get laid.
There are no websites teaching women how to get laid.
Exactly. They don’t have to actually do anything to get laid.
You guys have never seen an article or website dedicated to helping women be attractive or sexy?!?!?
Go pick up Cosmo immediately. Then any teen magazine, beauty magazine, most gossip magazines, any non-feminist women’s publication.
I honestly cannot stop laughing at this.
Except much of it revolves around LOOKS, and how to look more sexy and appealing.
It’s nothing on the same level as the explosive growth of the PUA/game community. Women don’t need to work game in the same way that men do.
Oh I actually totally agree with you, Bay Area Guy. The PUA thing is really a mystery. I think men and women in general do approach dating/mating really differently. Think of all the books marketed to women about “landing” a guy, meeting the right guy, looking sexy for dudes, etc. It’s a HUGE industry, but it’s not aimed at getting dudes into bed. I don’t know if that’s because it may be easier for girls to do that, or if it’s just not as much women’s aim in the end. The PUA thing is really fascinating. I have a colleague/acquaintance… Read more »
but PUA is not an approach in dating for most men. I dont know if its a western thing or not, I’m Asian, and I dont think our approach of dating between gender is so different. Hell I dont know what PUA is before I go to American forum and site like GMP. What make me confused is how most of guys ( and gals ) here said dating for men is to get laid. Really? Is this how men date in USA? Yes in my country men do the approach most of the time, but I dont know any… Read more »
Cosmo, other women’s magazines and all the dating/sex related advice columns for women, DON’T teach women how to get laid. They don’t teach women how to have Casual sex. All their advice is to be attractive to men in the context of a romantic relationship. How to get the ‘guy of your dreams’, How to get him to stick around, How to get him to commit. If anything the advice often revolves around how to avoid getting laid too easily ! How to know if he is just using you for sex How long to make him wait before having… Read more »
I think you’re 100% right here.
Joanna I’m truly astounded that that you don’t see the difference between articles for women written to tell them how to maximize their physical attractiveness overall, and articles that tell women how to “get laid.” It’s not the same and it’s a world of difference. Do you really not understand that?
She doesn’t want to understand that.
She wont even respond after making this smug smartass comment and will say the same thing some other day on a new article.
Tim, did you ever imagine that perhaps I had to go pick up my kids, take care of them, do other work, feed my kids dinner, do homework with them, and put them to bed? No, it’s all about me being a smug smartass. Just so you know, I work this job as Senior Editor managing probably 40 writers in total, am the person in charge of Content Partnerships and media here at GMP, have a freelance career and am raising 2 small boys with no nanny. So just when you think it’s about ignoring you or being a smartass,… Read more »
You guys have never seen an article or website dedicated to helping women be attractive or sexy?!?!? Go pick up Cosmo immediately. Then any teen magazine, beauty magazine, most gossip magazines, any non-feminist women’s publication. I honestly cannot stop laughing at this. Joanna, I don’t think you’re a smug smartass and you remain one of my favorite feminists, but I have to laugh at you laughing at this. Several recent articles and long comment threads about yoga pants swore to us (men) again and again that how women dress or make themselves up to look good is about comfort and… Read more »
Marcus, the problem wasn’t with saying that women sometime wear yoga pants to attract guys, but the notion that they somehow WANT guys to look at them for their pants is messed up because *you don’t know why they’re wearing them, you don’t know them, and you shouldn’t presume anything*. But of course there are a billion resources dedicated to women “hooking men” just like there are a ton of sites dedicated to men hooking up with women. They’re just differently focused. That being said, assuming that ALL men want to be picked up on because some do is obnoxious… Read more »
First, I’d like to remind you I never advanced or supported the notion that all women who wear yoga pants do so because they want guys to look at them, so if that reminder about what “the problem” was was for me, I didn’t need it. Now, here’s what you wrote in the comment I responded to: You guys have never seen an article or website dedicated to helping women be attractive or sexy?!?!? So, by yoga pant reasoning, then if yoga pants can feel comfortable, attractive, even sexy all without being intended to attract guys – reasoning which I… Read more »