Victory Unlimited’s advice to a man who can’t figure out why a woman would respond to a date request the way she did.
Originally published on Victory Unlimited, this ‘Letter to Headquarters’ comes from Law Man Stan. He’s 38, from Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
Hey V.U.,
I met this lady attorney while I was working on a merger of two companies. The process took several days. Over the course of those meetings, we’d get lunch together as part of a larger group of other “corporate types”. In order to maintain my professionalism, all I could really do to show her I was interested was talk to her a little during breaks about general things, and give her that lingering “I’m interested in you” look. I believe she knew I wanted to get to know her outside of the context of the work environment.
Then, when the paperwork was over, I walked her to her car, and that’s when I dropped the “lawyer-talk” altogether and let her know that I wanted to see her again outside of work. I asked her if she wanted to meet me the following Friday evening @ 8pm to go to a cultural festival. It was not a formal event, so I told her we could dress casual and just go and enjoy ourselves. When I asked her out, her eyes got wide, but she still had a smile on her face when she said “Sure, that sounds nice. But do me a favor and please call me sometime Thursday to confirm.” I was a little stunned by her response, but I said “Yeah, I could do that, but there’s really no need. I’m a man of my word. I’ll definitely be there.” She just smiled back at me while she got in the car and said “Yes, I’m sure, but just to be on the safe side, please just go ahead and call me Thursday to confirm anyway.”
I agreed with her to do that. But when I called her on Thursday to confirm, my call went straight to voicemail and I left the message. Then, a little while later, I get a text from her saying that she was “sorry”, but wouldn’t be able to make it to the festival Friday. She said that we might be able to get together some other time. I feel like she obviously blew me off to go and do whatever.
But here are my questions:
If she didn’t want to go out with me, why did she agree to the date in the first place? Also, why did she go through the motions of asking me to call her to “confirm?”
Law Man Stan
♦◊♦
Victory Unlimited writes:
Law Man Stan,
Sometimes women who are approached by guys who they aren’t really interested in don’t just come out and say to them “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not really interested.” Now, if more women were that honest and forthright, then a it would cut down on a lot of confusion that guys go through in an effort to make their acquaintance. However, some women that you meet will avoid telling you up front that they’re not interested by putting their ultimate rejection of you on “time delay” by simply saying
“Sure, I’ll go out with you, but just in case——–please call me to confirm”.
Some women use the “Call me to Confirm” tactic because:
1. They’ve had a history of experience with guys responding to them badly afterwards due to a bruised ego over feeling rejected
2. They’d rather not even deal with the guy at all, so they choose to just tell him anything just to make him go away
3. They have so many guys chasing them that they could care less about telling any one particular guy the truth because they don’t really care if they never see him again
4. They have very little respect for men in general, so it doesn’t occur to them that they’re being inconsiderate in some of the ways in which they treat them
5. They really ARE so busy that the only way they can manage their social calendar is with a administrative assistant who is proficient at setting up meetings in Microsoft Outlook
6. Or they really “do” like you a little, but they hope that the guy that they like “more” will come through with a better offer before the time of your date
Thankfully, not all women do this, of course. However, in your case Stan, we can use the process of elimination to narrow down which of these “Call me to Confirm” tactics may apply to you.
Since you’re also a well-spoken, seemingly, rationally-minded attorney that she already knows, and whom she may wind up seeing again at some point, then that eliminates reasons 1, 2, 4, and 5. Also, since most lawyers and corporate professionals already know how to manage their schedules, this eliminates reason number 5. All this leaves us with are reasons number 3 and 6.
My Intel leads me to believe this lady hit you with the “Call me to Confirm” tactic because she either has so many guys after her that you haven’t differentiated yourself enough from the rest, or she does like you——-but she wants to keep her schedule free for someone she likes better.
No matter which one is the definitive reason, the outcome is still the same. She’s not interested in you enough to accept your initial date or to make a definitive counter offer date with you after canceling out on you. However, the good news is that you were very direct, and definitive with her when you made your initial date. There is no room for confusion or second-guessing yourself about that. I believe the best course of action in your case is to keep making your case to find more romantically receptive women to date. There are plenty of them out there, you know.
Meanwhile, if the lady lawyer chooses to come back into your life again, let her be the one on trial. You sit back and judge whether or not she proves her case: Is she back because she really wants to spend time with you? Or is she back to just waste your time?
Either way, no matter what you decide, you’ll be in the best position to make whatever dating/relationship decision that’s best for you.
~Victory Unlimited
—
photo: sharif / flickr
—
I’ve tried the honesty thing with rejecting men and it almost always ends badly. It’s very rare that a man respects your decision and thanks you for your honesty. My honesty is usually followed with insults from the rejected guy. Also, another reason why a woman would tell you to call to confirm is because people are generally flaky. They might say yes we are definitely going to meet up and it doesn’t ever happen.
“Call me to confirm” implies that I am not sure if I want to go with the guy because either I don’t know what I will be doing on the spot, or that I’m not sure if I want to go with him (because we work together, etc.) at all and need time to think it over. Texting instead of answering his call would be done to avoid the feeling of being stalked. Men often do not take no for answer answer so the temptation to text rather than answer the phone to avoid the guilt trips layed on by… Read more »
Thank you, V.U.
Your reasoning is sound and your advice is spot on.
Me being a straightforward and direct guy, I find difficult to read confuse and “hazy” communication like that. Your article make this stuff clearer.
I do hope one day everybody will be at ease with being fully honest and clear.
OTOH, sincere rejection is so awkward (for both parties), that it might never become the norm. Human egos are (generally) too fragile (and I’m talking about both men and women).
In this situation , it seems like she didn’t know how to say “no thank you”. Rejecting someone to there face is not easy, especially when it’s someone you see all the time. I had someone ask me out recently , I said maybe , I wasn’t sure . I liked him , thought he was a nice guy , however, not super attracted .After some thought I have decided I am not interested. If he asks me again I will say no. The other side of this is this. If a guy asks me out I would like him… Read more »
So Speakeasy, Again, as I’ve said before, a lot of this “call me to confirm” language is a result of the women NOT being really that interested in the guy—or attracted to the guy in the first place. My Intel tells me that guys who complain about the “call me to confirm” language are NOT getting that line based on the WOMEN being afraid that the GUY is going to back out on THEM. To the contrary, it’s more about the first scenario that you described: The woman is NOT into the guy or is “on the fence” about going… Read more »
VictoryUnlimited,
Change the paradigm. Who is asking who out on a date? HE is asking her and HE is in the lead.
When she insisted that he call to confirm, he could have easily put his foot down and said “No. No confirmation is necessary. I’ll pick you up at 8pm. Dress casual. Here’s MY phone number, call me if something comes up.”
If she squirmed and started making a bunch of excuses at that time, then he has enough body language to read the situation. Otherwise she may cancel anyway.
Bing! IMO, this is the ONLY correct answer for a man who has a clear value of not playing games. Any reason she has for asking for a “confirmation call” is her problem. It’s a presumptuous and disrespectful gesture. Presumptuous because she assumes he’ll clear his schedule for an uncommitted date to “chase” her. Disrespectful because she expects him to sit wondering about his weekend plans until she gives him a thumbs up/down later. Run – don’t walk from her. “I’m asking you now, if the answer is no, fine. I’m a big boy. There won’t be a confirmation call… Read more »
Oh, where are all these guys who can commit to a plan in advance? I thought this problem existed the other way around:
“Presumptuous because he assumes she’ll clear her schedule for an uncommitted date to “chase” her.”
women being natural planners, and all the guys (on online dating sites, anyway) claiming “spontaneity”
“Presumptuous because he assumes she’ll keep her schedule clear for an uncommitted date”
She may have used this “call and confirm” technique because she wasn’t sure how she felt about it or was uncomfortable rejecting him outright…but she could also have used it because she had “vague-maybe’ things on her calendar that she needed to see if she could get out of and actually did want to go on the date and therefore meant it when she mentioned rescheduling. I’ve had plenty of evenings with a “vague-maybe” to contend with that makes scheduling difficult. Things like a close friend/relative asking if you can pick them up from an airport/train-station IF XYZ doesn’t come… Read more »
None of those “reasons” matters one bit.
If she “wasn’t sure”, she should say so and commit to a time to call HIM back to confirm. This is respectful and considerate. She should strive to be both.
A simple “No, thank you” is also respectful and considerate.
Until she learns to accept that responsibility I would hope that she misses out on any potential date with a quality man who won’t accept less.
There are so many other reasons! Dating with colleagues is complicated. Maybe she needed to think about it. She wasn’t sue. You took her by surprise. Although you were building the path to ask, maybe it came unexpectedly. You had days to think whether you wanted to date her, but she only was given a few seconds. So I think it is fair to ask for a few days. After that time, she made up her mind!
Hey Lawyer Girl, All your points are valid. And you’re right—I could have easily titled the article “SIXTY Reason Why”. But the bottom line is that the woman in question was NOT as attracted or interested in the guy as he was to her. But—rather than tell him that, she chose to “suggest” or “intimate” or whatever—-instead of just being straight with him. Meanwhile, she had already “moved on” while the poor guy was left trying to figure out her “Babe-Linguistics”. Understand that men who WANT to believe that a particular girl is interested in them TOO, will have a… Read more »
Putting rejection on delay is far worse, it gives days for the guy to mull over the feelings…just like worrying about a surgery for days n days vs just going straight in for it.
If we lived in a world where people always said what they meant—and meant what they said, then it’s be easy to just interpret simple, English words LITERALLY. But unfortunately, that’s not the world that we live in. Many good guys who are honest and direct in how they talk to women are not very good at interpreting what some women really mean when they give them “vague” answers. The Victory Unlimited Show is dedicated to saving men as much of their time, money, and sanity as possible—while they’re out here trying to find the right women for them. How?… Read more »
As a woman, this answer doesn’t ring even close to true. We ask guys to confirm because 8 out of 10 times, they flake in one way or another. It’s just asking them to show they’re serious.
So, then, is it comme-il-faut or not to call and say “Hi, I hope you are okay. I took your message to call me and confirm to mean that you weren’t really interested, so I made other plans for Friday night.” ?
I agree with Chris that the #1 reason a woman would ask a guy to call to confirm is to make sure he’s serious.
obviously, this was not the case in this particular case, and as such was a shitty thing to do on her part.
I always tell guys I’m not interested that I’m not interested, and expect the same in return. I treat others the way I like to be treated by others.
I agree with Chris and Virtuous – 8 times out of 10!
I think she just did not find you attractive enough, for her. Her body language with the “wide eyes” said everything. Not interested.
Unfortunately, women are taught to be nice and not hurt anyone’s feeling.
I do think the text was a bit cheesy. The fact that she text you instead of calling confirms her wish NOT to talk to you further.
Don’t take it personally. Hey, just move on to the next one.
Agree. It’s unfortunate that some people have been conditioned to not want to say now, or have learned from experience that it’s not safe. Long-term we can hope that changes. We should certainly try to avoid the conditioning with our daughters.
The take-away is that “call to confirm”, especially w/ supporting body language, is really a no. Next time try “sounds like you’re not super enthusiastic; I respect that. Let’s skip is – no harm done” and walk away.