Shortform freestyle erotica can be a beautiful tool used for connection and exploration of sexuality. It can be used to disconnect, as well.
Before I delve into this, I must admit that I just got out of a four hour long sexting session with a woman that I recently met. We live three hours apart. We met a couple of weekends ago during the first session of a weekend long workshop. We didn’t really see each other much after that first session, but we connected via Facebook and have been chatting on and off ever since. In the waning moments of sleep before I woke up this morning, I had a wonderfully, explicitly sexual dream where she was involved. So I sent her a message that said, “This may be wildly inappropriate, but I had a dream about you that was wildly inappropriate.” Her response was, “Tell me more.”
So now, I’d like to take a look at the pros and cons of sexting.
1. If you send pictures or videos, and I don’t, they are liable to wind up on the internet or your friend’s friends’ phones. If you are not emotionally and psychologically prepared to show your goods to the world, don’t send pictures of your goods to anyone. This is the argument of abstinence only sex ed. The only fool-proof way to prevent pictures of your ass from being pasted all over the internet is to not send pictures of your ass to anyone.
2. Sexually explicit text messages, videos, or photos could be considered sexual harassment. This is a situation that no one wants to be in. Get consent before you start in about how badly you want to get down with someone.
3. Aren’t we already addicted enough to our electronic gadgets? I know I am. I’m at a stop light. I play with my phone. I’m waiting in line to pay for gas. I play with my phone. I’m waiting for the food I ordered. I play with my phone. I met a cute girl. We are texting back and forth. She says something dirty. I CAN’T PUT DOWN MY PHONE. As if my insecure need for constant connection wasn’t enough to drive me to continuously play with my phone, now we add in the additional draw of sexual desire. I’m going to marry my phone.
4. Some people use sexting as a way to cheat or as an ersatz intimacy. Sexting with someone else is cheating if you are in a committed, monogamous relationship. Certainly, the boundaries that are set for a relationship vary from relationship to relationship and sometimes day to day. My point is this; if you are sexting someone that is outside of your relationship and you have not cleared that sexting relationship with your monogamously or polyamorously committed partner(s), you’re cheating. Maybe that’s just like my opinion, man, but I see things as very black and white here. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, whether it is monogamous or polyamorous, there is a certain level of openness and honesty that has to come with that relationship. If you are sexting behind someone’s back, it is cheating.
5. In my experience, one person tends to drive. I guess this happens with sex, too. So maybe this isn’t strictly a con of sexting. Maybe the driver’s seat will tend to switch back and forth between partners like it tends to do with sex.
1. You get off or you help someone else get off or both. This is really a no-brainer. It’s like sex, but without touching someone else. It’s mutual masturbation. It’s fun. Go with it if you are free to do so.
2. It’s a great way to connect if you’re involved in a long distance sort of a situation. So maybe the person you are connected to is far away (see my situation above). Maybe you both want to enjoy some intimate, sexual times together. Maybe hopping on a plane or driving hours to get to one another isn’t currently in the cards. We have electronic devices that can send our innermost thoughts to other people now. We can use them to our advantage.
3. If it is difficult for you to open up about what it is you want, maybe it is easier through the relative anonymity of the internet or text messaging.. I know that for me, being able to hide behind a computer screen sometimes makes it easier to say something that I might be a little bit afraid to say. In being able to say something while chatting via the internet, I have found the courage to be able to say things face to face. This has the possibility to backfire, though. So I have made a rule, if I say it in type, I have to be willing to say it live. So maybe that thing that is just a little bit kinky (okay, a lot kinky) that I’m curious about gets hinted at when I’m in the midst of some freestyle erotica and then when I finally do get to have a face to face, I can ask if that’s an option.
4. Playing off of number 3, maybe it is a realm where fantasies can be played out together while still keeping them in the realm of fantasy. Maybe the realm of erotica is a great way to test the waters. So maybe that thing comes out and you both get to experience the energy and emotions behind it. And maybe it just makes you feel dirty, not the good dirty, either. That seems like a situation where you can grow and learn together. Maybe it opens up a conversation about why that didn’t feel great to one or both parties involved. Maybe that conversation leads to the discovery of something else that excites one or both parties.
5. It makes it very easy to stop and go. Today was a very interesting session for me because I was the one doing most of the writing. So it was my fantasy, my perspective, my words, my rhythm. There were a few times where she would interject with, “Oh, my, I like that” or “Not really my cup of tea.” So even though I was sort of driving the bus, so to speak, I got instant feedback from my partner about what was good for her and what wasn’t. I could then respond to her needs through the flow of the story I was writing. It became co-created, like all good sex is, rather than me simply telling her about the myriad sexy activities that I would like to share with her.
6. One person can drive. This is both a pro and a con. We can use erotica to explore more dominant or submissive sides or ourselves. It seems that this would be a very safe way for someone who is typically in control to give that power away without being threatened. The dom becomes the sub? The sub becomes the dom? Now everyone is a switch?
Longform (or shortform, I guess) freestyle erotica can be a beautiful tool used for connection and exploration of sexuality. It seems that it could be used as a way to disconnect, as well. So, as with any manifestation of sexuality, I think we have to walk into these situations mindfully. We have to be able to discern what’s best for us in any given situation. And maybe my answer is different today than it will be tomorrow. Maybe my answer is different depending on who I am with.
What’s your answer in this moment? Do you practice long or shortform freestyle erotica? Do you think it’s the devil? Have you been burned by it? Has it made your relationship better? Leave a comment. Let’s have a conversation.
image: notions capital / flickr