Only guy in a pilates class? No problem. There’s no right or wrong way to be a man.
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This past winter, I had a brief conversation with another guy who was working out at the same local gym that I do as well. He was waiting for the next fitness class (Pilates) to begin. I has just completed my high intensity Zumba class and was hanging around taking with some fellow class members. He was waiting to participate in the next fitness class which was Pilates. A few minutes later, as I was about to leave, he asked me:
“Aren’t you taking the class?” referring to Pilates.
“No,” I replied “I just completed doing an intense 55 minute cardio dance workout.”
“I don’t know if I want to take this class” – he replied.
“Why not? “ I asked.
“It looks like I will be the only man in the class” he replied.
“So what? You know that you are a man,” I said to him.
“That’s true. Thanks.“ he replied
Immediately his posture and disposition changed. He cracked a smile and went inside to where the class was about to begin. I went on about my business as well. I did not know the guy yet the experience stuck with how insecure this guy who personified idealized manhood (at least in the physical sense ) well built, slightly over 6’0 feet, attractive etc…temporarily felt vulnerable and emasculated feeling that his manhood would be compromised if he was the only guy in his Pilates course. I occasionally take Zumba and Step classes. Both courses are often more than 80% female, yet I never felt that my masculinity was in question. In another situation, a few years earlier, I had to convince another friend who lives in northern New England that he was no less a man because his marriage ended. It took me several weeks (almost three months) to convince him of this fact!
These experiences, while different, demonstrated to me that even in the 21st century, we still reside in a society where many people harbor certain attitudes as to what constitutes being a real and legitimate man.
There is a constant level of media images relentlessly (arguably perversely) promoting the message of “masculine exceptionalism” with images of men with rock hard bodies, killer abs, routinely driving Infinity’s and Lamborghini’s, always having drop dead gorgeous women in his presence as well as his bed, wearing nothing less than $2,500 dollar suits, $500.00 shoes, several homes, a Manhattan penthouse (and another one on the west coast if you are a truly successful, man).
If you are a single guy, a girlfriend who is of supermodel quality. If you are a married man, a killer looking wife and several beautiful kids who are prep school and ivy league college bound. Mission accomplished. Anything short of such a result means you have some SERIOUS work to do. Do I exaggerate? of course, on some level I do. However, there is a STRONG undercurrent of truth in my words.
Masculinity is a very multi-faceted term that encompasses multiple meanings. There is no one specific or singular manner to define what manhood is. What Tom may consider masculine, Steve may dismiss as non masculine or irrelevant to him and vice versa. As I see it, these are just some of the attributes that define masculinity:
- Responsible – A man is one who is dependable and meets his responsibilities without question. He does not rely or fall back on excuses or blame others for his own failures or shortcomings.
- Progressive – A man is one who often looks at things from an enlightened and thoughtful perspective whether it be arts, politics, education ,the environment etc…
- Health Conscious – A man is on who is attentive to his health. He exercises regularly, eats healthy (allows himself to splurge once in awhile) gets regular physicals and does everything within his power to keep his physical and mental health in tip top shape.
- Vulnerable – A man is one who is not afraid to open up to others. He has no problem asking for assistance if needed. He is aware of the fact that he is not impervious but rather, that he is only human.
- Open Minded – A men is astute to the fact there is more than one way to look at an issue. Things are not always black and white. He does not verbally disrespect or dismiss others who do not agree with him. In short, he does not expect everyone to have his viewpoint on things.
- Compassionate – A man is one who demonstrates genuine concern and empathy for others. He does not dismiss or mercilessly ridicule others for what he sees as their shortcomings.
- Altruistic – A man is one who inhabits a humanitarian attitude. He is genuinely committed to helping and solving problems for others, especially those who, for whatever reason, are less fortunate than he and others like him.
- Transparent – A man is a person who is candid, (in a polite and respectful manner), principled, open and honest. He is not in the business of deceiving or misdirecting people. He walks the walk and talks the talk. He tells it like it is and keeps it real.
In essence, a man’s manhood is not solely defined by his bank account, his body, his height, sexual stamina, level of education, or material possessions. Making less than a mid six figure salary does not make you any less of a man than your more upper income counterpart. Being single does not make you any more or less of a manly than a married man with children and so on. Different strokes for different folks!
While there many other traits that can be ascribed to masculinity (and some people may take issues with the examples I have provided, or my entire argument for that matter), nonetheless, masculinity equals: intelligence, sensitivity, curiosity, flexibility, strength, resilience… among others. The list goes on.
Photo credit: Getty Images
Hello KIM,
Intelligence is not solely relegated to aptitude or IQ. Shrewdness, intuition, street smarts, common sense and so on are all forms of intelligence. Many masculine men embody some, many or all of these qualities in addition to the others I mentioned in my article.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of Article
Elwood, through the many years I’ve been working with adolescent males, majority being from the inner city, I completely agree with you. Many of these kids being gang bangers, drug dealers fall short in understanding the talents and skills they’ve developed. I’d like to add that they they thrive by being in a risky environment. They’re risk takers who would naturally adapt to risky jobs.
Agreed. I remember a television program several years ago where the guest was a Wall Street investor. His firm had a program that worked with low income inner city youths and younger people. During the interview he mentioned that while these young people may not have been all that academically intelligent, that they possessed other skills and forms of intelligence that could make them financial killers (monetary slang not literal murderers) on Wall Street.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of Article
Dr. Watson:
When Ross Perot was running for president, he stated that if some of these Afro-Americans and Latinos can run multi-million drug organizations, then it shows that they are capable of running Fortune 500 companies. Perot then stated that the reason why they can’t run these companies is because they won’t get hired due to the color of their skin. Sad commentary that still rings true today.
The fact is that race is still an issue in our society. Not that you said this, however, for the record, the VAST majority of Black and Latino people (like most people of all races ) are NOT involved with using drugs or the drug trade. Period.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of Article
I know that the vast majority of Black and Latino people are not involved in the drug trade. My point was that many white people still think that Black and Latino people are incapable of running multi-corporations because of their race and won’t hire them. Period
I wholeheartedly agree G. Far more minorities DON’T deal in drugs and gangs then do. But all we here about are the criminals. I grew up in these neighborhoods and it makes me crazy that the only thing we here about are the bad people. Most are hard working families that want goo lives. I remember growing up when people would find out I lived in Lawndale (now known as Little Village), they’d look at me as though I was from another planet. You live there so you must be one of THEM. Through the years I’ve taken guys to… Read more »
Well said, Mr. Brechlin. A police officer (can’t recall his name) who join the organization LEAP (Law Enforcement Against Prohibition) made the statement that the police by and large were directed by the politicians to concentrate their efforts on fighting drug dealers and users in the poor, minority communities and to ignore the white dealers and users in the rich, affluent neighborhoods; otherwise, they would get their budget cut or get disband if they went after the white people. Mike Papantonio of the radio show Ring of Fire made several comment that people at the Wall Street firms were using… Read more »
Sad but true. I Agree with you!
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of article
HI Elwood
“masculinity equals :intelligence…”
Not easy to a be a masculine man then, with an IQ below 100 Elwood.
I think you are unfair here.