You’re reading with the hopes that this is one of those bait-and-switch sensational articles, right?
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Oh how I wish that was true. Unfortunately, I have run across a phenomenon that few parents know about, and those that do are too ashamed to tell anybody. The ugly truth is that middle school girls, with their immature frontal lobes and tender insecurities, are trying to attract high school boys by texting them sexy images of their blossoming private parts. It’s like they’ve invented an unregulated child porn matchmaking profile that doesn’t even have privacy settings, terms of agreement, or the option to delete the profile. Just a CLICK and SEND and your daughter’s catastrophically nude profile image is available to everybody everywhere forever, no take-backs. Thirty seconds of bad judgment at twelve years old launches a nightmare digital footprint and sullied online reputation. Ouch!
And what about the boys?
They enthusiastically log in to this mess too. Some become expert at grooming the girls to send the sexy photos which they then share with their “boyz” on the wrestling team for quickly growing “<city name> nudes exposed!” collections. And to make things more horrifying, the boldest of the boys proudly share their name lists of the virginity prizes personally collected from girls they intentionally targeted who were too young to know any better. Fifteen minutes and these young women have exposed their vulnerabilities, their reputations, and the essence of their true potential. It’s like these teens lost their minds and logged in for an on- and off-line pimp-prostitute internship program. All that was needed was a mobile phone with texting ability and a misguided sense of adventure.
How do I know this?
Because I’m a psychologist and the teens I see tell me the shameful truth, all of it; the truths that trigger pride, shame, sadness, and desperation. They tell me all about how they “released their nude” when they turned 12 years old in order to attract attention from the older boys. Or how they were duped into it by the soothing promises from entrepreneurial Romeos, only to find out later that they were lied to and it had been shared over text to the high school football team. There’s also the confessions from the boys that get their “ah-ha! I was being a dirt bag” moment when their frontal lobes come online later in high school. And believe it or not, both genders are capable of being predatory on the other. I hear what most parents don’t know.
I remember the first session when I realized this was a thing.
I was seeing a beautiful eighth grade girl who was starting to get it and was lamenting about her best friend who purposely “put a nude out” when she was 11 year old. At 15 years old, the friend was bizarrely proud of it being re-released via text to “everyone in the county” four years later. My client guessed it was the fourth mass texting of the image. I sat there, horrified and dumbfounded, assessing my ethical requirements to the teens involved and my community in general. As a mother, I began visualizing the creation of a blueprint for Rapunzel’s tower in our backyard for my kids, screen-media-free.
So much of my young client’s disclosure made me deeply upset for everybody involved. I was saddened that children this young had already learned how to use and exploit sexuality as a cheap commodity. I was saddened that these kids broker power through contemptuous attention catamount to social media “likes.” I was saddened that there was an army of teenagers willing to receive these tragic misperceptions of self worth. And I was furious that some actively groomed their victims to build a sick collection of lost innocence with no more thought than they gave to their Pokémon collections six months earlier. Keep in mind that in many cases these releases are consensual, while in others coerced.
I imagine you’re thinking,
“What kind of amoral community does this writer live in anyway? My kids would NEVER do that!”
Right? I’m sorry to tell you that I live in the same community you do. This is not an isolated phenomenon. Participants come from all types of families, families of all income levels and religions with great parents and slack parents. Short of raising your child in a stone tower, there is no family situation where your parenting supervision cannot be breached.
Of course there are situations where children tend to be the most vulnerable. But the temptation is there for even the most well adjusted kids. And to make things even more concerning, this pimp-prostitute culture does not always end by college age. The media is rampant with stories of fraternity houses that have private Facebook pages littered with nude photos of non-consenting women and blatant drug deals, not to mention social media and hookup dating sites flooded with sexual trolling. Like it or not, the young have their own culture of sexuality that is different from their parents.
What has led us here?
Is it the unregulated Wild West atmosphere of the Internet? Perhaps it is the moral decay of the Western culture? Perhaps it is the accumulation of sexualization and objectification of women splashed throughout popular culture over decades? Are permissive parents to blame or the rapid technological developments we simply cannot keep up with? And more importantly, what is going to lead us out?
My university students and I discuss this often, and I think you would be surprised how many advocate for mass regulation and filtering while I wonder about the sincerity of their self-righteousness. Because like them, I am conflicted about what makes up our “rights” for online liberties balanced with personal vulgarity and decency standards. Until our legislators are able to fully secure online child pornography portals, some which apparently begin in our own unsuspecting homes, parents must get serious about becoming informed and taking real action. And believe it or not, waiting until your child reaches the teen years to do this is simply too late.
I created GetKidsInternetSafe (GKIS) to provide sensible support and easy-to-implement guides for parents at all stages of the game. After all, the fantasy of locking your child out of technology is simply not realistic. Whether you have a toddler just starting to clamor for her tablet, an elementary schooler playing his first video game, a middle schooler begging for social media, or a high schooler who’s already technologically fluent, it is imperative that you become fluent in screen media activities.
With the help of GKIS, you can become informed, educate your children and set expectations about digital citizenship and online reputation, create a family dialogue about GKIS screen smarts, stage your home, filter and block online portals, set up sensible GKIS family rules and regulations, and most important of all, become your child’s trusted ally and guide should they stumble into an on or offline tangle. Too busy or overwhelmed by the task? Let GKIS be your guide.
This article and its discussion hits me awfully conservative. Why is it a bad thing for young girls to express their sexuality? Sooner or later they will learn that as woman expressing your sexuality gets you attention, but not so much as a man. Sexualizing women is an issue that society needs to tackle. Young girls will continue to sexually objectify themselves until parents start teaching them that there are other ways to have the attention of boys. Oh and parents, it is ok for girls and boys to seek each others attention even at a young age. Just teach… Read more »
And cocky parents still say, “If you talk to your kids they won’t do it.” Not enough. I’m telling you from seeing it over and over in my office. Not enough.
This article gets 16.2k FB shares versus the 559 shares of the https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hey-mom-your-fifteen-year-old-boy-might-be-acting-like-an-internet-predator-wcz/comment-page-1/#comment-2175139 article. Each time it’s reposted on a website, the comments start with “Girls these days…”. I believe this is a profound reflection of sex and gender issues in our culture. What do y’all think? – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hey-mom-your-fifteen-year-old-boy-might-be-acting-like-an-internet-predator-wcz/comment-page-1/#comment-2175139
I work with an organization that educates parents, teachers, government officials, teens, etc… about sex trafficking, grooming, exploitation, and how social media and online gaming are where predators lurk. My boss, Opal Singleton, recently wrote and released a book that is getting great reviews and EVERY PARENT NEEDS TO READ IT! It’s called, “Seduced – The Grooming of America’s Teenagers.” Please take a moment and check it out! http://www.millionkids.org
Hi Dave,
Go to http://getkidsinternetsafe.com rather than GKIS. You can also go directly to the blog at http://getkidsinternetsafe.com/blog/. Facebook me at GetKidsInternetSafe if you have any more difficulties. I look forward to hearing from you. GetKidsInternetSafe is starting to blow up, and I’m so happy about it. Lots of important free info.
Is the gkis.com site legit??? I went to it, watched the video and signed up for the Free Article. They sent me an email with a link back to the same site. Can’t get past the opening video.
BTW guys. The followup article “Hey Mom, Your 15 Year-Old Boy is Acting Like An Internet Predator” is up! Thanks to Good Men Project. That one gives specific discussion tips for parents. Interesting how this headline got so much buzz but the hey mom one didn’t…
Hi Kassie. Sexting has been around for awhile. The new part for me was the intentional, bi-directional digital bridging between middle schoolers and high schoolers. Because the girls are so much younger, they’re very vulnerable. For the boys to make lists and premeditate a grooming strategy (and for the girls to premeditate a reputation-building strategy) is very damaging to both parties – amaging emotionally and potentially legally devastating. Learning this kind of manipulative grooming (and victimhood) this young is scary stuff! As if voluntary sexting between same-age peers wasn’t worrisome enough. Kids need some quality coaching early on to avoid… Read more »
Is this a new thing? I’m a mom of young kids, so I haven’t hit the pre-teen stage, but have heard of sexting and teens doing that. Is there a difference? Scares me for all children! They just don’t seem to get how it can affect their whole life!
Interesting to see if it’s word press
My first struggle with this is “Hey Dad.” But I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say that this article is written for dads to pay attention. Nonetheless, it would have been better if it was “Hey Parents.” The internet, the virtual life through cells phones and other devices…. Yup, THAT’S the problem, right? Yes, I agree that there’s a problem with what’s on the internet and what it can provide but the problem doesn’t end there and in fact it doesn’t even start there. You gave some good information regarding the problem but completely gloss over… Read more »
I LOVE that you guys are REALLY thinking about this issue. I AGREE that both of these boys and girls are displaying dangerous predatory behavior. The title of my last GMP article was “Public Shaming and Reality TV Entitlement Are Modern Day Viruses” – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/public-shaming-and-reality-tv-entitlement-are-modern-day-viruses-wcz/#sthash.dIXSDho0.dpuf where I commented on the disturbing media culture of celebrating and promoting cruel behavior. FINALLY a forum where the comments are considerate and insightful instead of hateful mud-flinging trolls. Cheers to building a better a society
As the mother of a son who has been sent topless photos from 2 girls with crushes on him who he is not interested in, it is frustrating to see that the assumption is always that boys are coercing girls to send these photos. Yes, I’m aware that happens but after the first time my son received one – while our family was together and by his reaction I am inclined to believe this was not something he requested. The photo came with a text saying “want to reconsider my homecoming invite now?” And was sent the night after he… Read more »
Great post! Because, the implication is only boys can be predators, of course. These young ladies have already – and voluntarily – yielded photos of themselves to appeal to the types of peer pressure described by the author. The real danger for boys, who used to obtain the geographical knowledge of women’s bodies via one of their dad’s nudie magazines, is loosing their reputations (livelihoods, college educations, etc) to a legal system that will brand them as a sexual predator at 15. In other words, teach young women to quit chumming the waters unless they want to attract sharks. And… Read more »
Honordad, I would agree that young girls should have parents to talk to them about not sending pictures of their body to any young boy. But alot of young boys are not just “passively” receiving these pictures either. Some encourage it. So they need to be taught a lot more then simply “not taking the bait”. Laura’s experience is certainly one to consider around young girls who send unrequested pictures. But not all boys are like her son. Some boys always play a major role in this. Both young boys and girls need to be taught around all sides of… Read more »
I would absolutely NOT suggest going to the police. It’s completely illogical to go to the police yourself if your reservation about talking to her parents is that they might go to the police. It doesn’t mater whose side of the story gets heard first. If the police get involved, they WILL hear both sides. And the girl and her parents will be much more likely to be defensive and blame your son. Talk to the girl’s parents. Don’t make it an accusatory thing about how terrible their daughter is, but more of being a concerned parent and wanting to… Read more »
These are kids I’m talking about, no demons. But your suggestion for specific tips is an awesome one and coming up in the followup article.
And here I thought this might have been a helpful read but that was not to be.
Instead this has more in common with rainbow parties and demonizing men.
How about instead of adding more fuel for people like Erin to use in there fear of men you offer advice on how a teen should react if sent a sext? Can a teen ethically sext another teen?
What sort of helpful advice can a Father/Mother give a teen that has had a nude shared at school?
I wrote on the GMP FB page that I noticed I made the younger girl the acting agent in the title, which is suggestive of blaming the victim. In response, I’m writing a followup article titled, “Hey Mom, Your Fifteen Year-Old Son is Acting Like an Internet Predator.” The call to action is that we need to speak to our boys just as much as our girls with some specific suggestions offered to launch these important conversations. I have a sex ed series on the GKIS blog that applies as well. Waiting until kids are teens to start this teaching… Read more »
While I appreciate the effort I hope you reconsider the title.
I’m sure you don’t mean anything by it but opening with telling the reader that their son is acting like an internet predator may shut down the very conversation you’re trying to start. Opening with an accusatory tone rarely does any good.
Maybe something like, “Hey Parents, Your Sons are Violating the Trust Young Girls” or maybe something towards the sons as well like “Hey Young Men, It’s Not Right to Violate Her Trust Like That”.
Sorry guys. WordPress updated yesterday and I think it interrupted some functions like messing up the comments section. I think it’s working now. Comment away. 🙂
I also fear all of the teens that will be labeled as sex offenders and have to register for life. How many young men will have to suffer all because a few seconds of indescrecsion.
I agree. Being labled a sex offender when you are a minor yourself will affect that young person’s entire future. One of the parts I found troubling in the article that clearly there are older boys pressuring younger females for naked pictures and younger females looking to impress older boys. I think it’s probably important for parents to talk to both young men and ladies the importance of showing respect for each other. There is a ton of disrespect happening in this dynamic. What was described in the article is clearly a very heavy lack of respect for the person… Read more »
Wow, number 2 gone