Elwood Watson believes that some men are residing in a perpetual state of immaturity and it’s time to Grow Up!
—
A few days ago, when I was doing researching for my next book on contemporary masculinity, I inadvertently came across a podcast that was discussing how a growing number of men tend to be in an ongoing state of pre-adulthood. The guests on this particular episode were deeply engaged in lively and intense debate as to the predicament facing American men in the 21st century. It reminded me of a recent experience. Several months ago I was on a plane leaving Philadelphia returning home to Tennessee where I currently reside.
On this particular trip, I had the good fortune to get an upgrade to first class. I was less fortunate to be riding with a group of rowdy guys who were going on vacation together. They occupied seven of the seats in first class. I overheard one of the men mention to one of the light staff members that he and his friends were a group of college fraternity buddies who had known one another for years and decided to meet up for one of their occasional gatherings. “Cool” I though to myself. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, it was good to see a group of men establish and maintain such strong friendships when we all know that there is a plethora of literature documenting and bemoaning the lack of camaraderie and intimacy among too many men. These guys had obviously sidestepped this category.
What disturbed me was the lack of maturity these supposedly adult men possessed. Loud, ribald, offensive, adolescent, and immature were just some of the terms that could be used to define their less than requisite dispositions. Their attitudes were nothing short of crude and obnoxious and their behavior toward the female flight attendants left much to be desired. The fact that I had the misfortune of sitting next to one of these men only compounded an already annoying situation.
I gave the guy sitting next to me a benign eye roll and a look that was somewhat ambiguous hoping that he would get the message. Instead of changing or modifying his behavior, he looked at me and cracked a rather arrogant, smug grin as if to say “what are you going to do about it?” Eventually, a few hours later, we reached our destination. The drama was over and passengers were deplaned quickly! Thank goodness, I did not have to see these “men” (I use this term reluctantly) again. I proceeded to my connecting flight and looked forward to heading home.
I tell this story because it made me wonder about these well educated, financially successful, most likely intelligent men. If they indulged in such juvenile behavior, what did it say about men who lacked their educational, financial, and social stature? More importantly, what did it say about the state of contemporary manhood? Over the past several years, there have been a number of studies conducted where thousands of women across generations have been asked what traits come to mind when they think of the typical man. The most common were:
- Narcissistic
- Obsessed with video games
- Always has sex on the brain
- Emotionally stunted
- Deficient in communication skills
- Unreliable
- Afraid of commitment (if he is unmarried)
- Either lazy or obsessively competitive
- Jealous
- Somewhat hypocritical
This is hardly inspirational news. For men, the “afraid of commitment” reply was the most intriguing but least surprising. Americans have always had an infatuation with marriage.
As someone who is historian by training, I can personally attest to the fact that the typical profile of a 26 year old man in 2016 is drastically different than it was in the past. The run of the mill guy of mid 20th century America was often married off by his early 20s, (frequently sooner). His wife was more than often a stay at home woman. He had three or four children by the time he was in his late 20s. The profile of the 1960s adult man was largely similar. The situation was somewhat altered for the twenty-something man of the 1970s, in that it was 50% chance that he had not walked down the aisle by his mid to late 20s, but rather, he was either a single, swinging bachelor or living with his girlfriend and without marriage being a priority. Those men that did marry often did so by their mid 20s. This was the decade of small and backyard weddings. The 1980s (like the 1950s and much of the 1960s), was a decade of big weddings where men married later. The average age for matrimony climbed to 28 years old where three decades later it has held fast.
Am I equating marriage with stability and maturity? Absolutely not! There is far too much evidence to indicate otherwise. In a nation with roughly a 50% divorce rate, it is evident that marriage as an institution is in a considerable state of crisis. Nonetheless, it (marriage) has often been a major part of the fabric of American society. Many women, particularly young women, still fantasize about their wedding day and all the ceremonial aspects that often accompany such a festivity. On the contrary, many men, especially those under 40, having seen their parents in distressing or problematic marriages, are less inclined to want to follow in the footsteps of their fathers. A number of women tend to believe that once they are married, that they can mature and tame even the most wayward man. Old habits and beliefs die hard.
To be sure, there are many men who are mature, intelligent, responsible, hard working, considerate, respectful toward women and decent human beings. They are gentlemen in the truest sense of the word. Nonetheless, it is more than likely that the group of men on that particular flight were not an anomaly. The perceptions that a sizable percentage of women harbor about men in our current culture indicate that there has been a breakdown of communication or expectations between the genders. Either some men have not gotten the memo or they did indeed receive a copy, reviewed it, and said “to hell with it.”
All of us are prone to missteps and there is no doubt that at some point in our lives each of us have engaged in behavior that we have looked back on and cringed saying “what was the hell was I thinking?” It is incumbent on men, married or unmarried, parents or child free and regardless of age, race, ethnicity, social economic status etc… to subscribe to philosophy of maturity. While not ideal, it is one thing for a 22 year old man to act like a 19 year old. There is some leeway in the situation. It is totally problematic for a man in his 40s or 50s or older to act like a guy in his early to mid 20s.
Sorry, guys, but going to spring break when you are 45-50 years old and buying drinks for and flirting with women at bars young enough to be your daughters and in some cases granddaughters is creepy! Dumping what few male friends you have in your age group and attempting to become buddies with guys in your son’s peer groups is troublesome. These are all indications of a deep, possibly disturbing level of immaturity. Yes, we all have the right to live our lives the way we see fit, but there are some things that are purely outlandish. One of the saddest sights to witness is an immature man who is unaware of his retrograde behavior. For the sake of your dignity guys, mature a little and grow up!
Photo Credit: Clinton Steeds/flickr
I witnessed my mother being murdered at 9, ran away at 15, joined the military at 16, and have been deployed to every Eastern European ethnic cleansing in the last 25 years – i have probably seen, inspected or discovered 300,000 corpses in mass graves
I am not really in the mood to settle down, grow up and join your society and the lies it tells.
Fixed – never having kids
Not married – never married – will not ever marry
MGTOW
Quite happy to watch it all burn into dystopia and anarchy – at least those are honest
“Over the past several years, there have been a number of studies conducted where thousands of women across generations have been asked what traits come to mind when they think of the typical man. The most common were: Narcissistic, Obsessed with video games, Always has sex on the brain, Emotionally stunted, Deficient in communication skills, Unreliable, Afraid of commitment (if he is unmarried), Either lazy or obsessively competitive, Jealous, Somewhat hypocritical” Does it not strike anyone as also hypocritical (or at the very least, highly relative, subjective, and otherwise imprudent) to assume that an accurate portrait of one entire gender and its collective members can be genuinely gleaned simply by referencing… Read more »
1. I would not accepted that behavior in coach 2. I would not accepted that behavior in 1st class 3. Where was the cabin crew and why did they allow the behaviors? 4. Were they drinking? That being said, I sure hope that we as a society are not going in the direction where we’re going to perpetuate another stereotype because of some fools. Some college kids, men and women, behave badly on spring break/vacation. Countless videos of guys and gals making fools of themselves. I look at my son who is now 30 years old and it’s hard to… Read more »
Tom,
I cannot answer question 4. These men were considerably bigger than me therefore, I certainly would not have been able to successfully intimidate them into behaving. It Is true that some men who engage in juvenile behavior when they are younger do manage to mature and become very responsible as the age. your son is one such example. The fact is that men are complex figures. Period.
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Author of Article