Sarah Beaulieu is ready to have a conversation about why there is so much hate against feminism.
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Like many humans with a Twitter account, I’ve spent the last few weeks watching various firestorms emerge around hashtags like #YesAllWomen and #WomenAgainstFeminism. And since I’m still nursing a baby, I was able to follow the insights and insults pretty much around the clock. The issues of sexual violence, intimate partner violence, and gender equality are incredibly important to me, yet I have been grappling with how to engage in the discussion — if you can call it that — in a productive way.
It’s really hard to winnow down one’s perspective on gender dynamics, sexual violence, or intimate violence to a single 800-word blog post, let alone 140 characters. We need to be patient with people as they explain themselves, their intentions and their experiences.
Stephen A. Smith used the word “provocation” when talking about how much he was against domestic violence. Instead of giving him a chance to unpack his thoughts and reflect on how they might be interpreted, the internets attacked him. People do not and will not always say the right thing at the right time. It doesn’t mean they are a rape apologist or any other kind of apologist.
It’s so much easier to be righteous than it is to be open and vulnerable. But if you are feeling righteous, chances are you aren’t listening, and maybe we could all try to get a little bit better at that. You can be right without making someone else wrong. Sure, you may not get as many clicks or retweets, but maybe we can all start to make some progress. I’m tired of making others the enemy and want some more friends in making the world a better place.
Finally, let’s stop arguing about who is and who isn’t a feminist. If there is a feminist membership card, I seem to have lost mine. Apparently, it didn’t come with my women’s studies degree or maybe I lost it when I wrote about not being angry anymore. There are lots of different kinds of feminists – male and female. And there are a lot of people — male and female — who reject the feminist label, while embracing broader terms around gender equality. There are lots of different opinions and perspectives on the causes of sexual harassment, intimate partner violence, sexual violence, and different gender dynamics. Therefore, it’s equally impossible to be for OR against feminism or feminists with respect to these issues.
But if we aren’t fighting, what could we be doing instead? What can all these passionate hashtaggers put their energy behind? What if we focused on some things that we might all agree on? It’s not that hard to imagine what these ideas and hashtags might be:
• Do you think it’s wrong to hit the man or woman you are dating? Awesome! Let’s talk about how to prevent that from happening, how to intervene if a friend is in a dangerous situation, and how to get out if it’s happening to you. #HittingIsWrong
• Do you think it’s wrong to perpetrate sexual violence against men and women? Wonderful! Let’s talk about how we can make sure we’re all on the same page about what consent it, what kind of things might trip people up, and how to recognize someone at risk of not taking no for an answer. #DontRapePeople
• Do you believe that male and female survivors of violence should have access to healing and justice? Sweet! Let’s make sure all survivors feel safe to share their experiences, create a balanced justice system, and support organizations that provide services to help survivors heal. #TogetherforHealing
• Do you think it’s important to know what works to prevent sexual violence and intimate partner violence whether perpetrated by men or by women? Me too! Let’s invest in evidence-based practices and learn more about what actually works in communities across the country. #WhatWorks
Can you see the possibilities? When we focus on the outcomes we wish to achieve and set aside different opinions on causation, it’s easier to collaborate. Sure, it might require us to adjust our stance a bit, but I think it’s worth it. If saying “male and female perpetrators” or “male and female victims” brings more allies to the table, why not just say it? It’s pretty exhausting to keep “calling people out” on their language, their word choice, and their intentions — especially when we barely even know each other. I’d rather use my energy to understand where others are coming from and engage them towards shared goals to make the world a better place.
Real change is going to require all of us at the table. This means we have to create space to allow for difficult conversations about topics that matter to all of us. If you can’t bring yourself to be in the same room as someone who is a proud feminist (of any kind) or you can’t hold yourself back from judging someone who rejects or questions the feminist label, you may want to explore whether your beliefs are holding you back from achieving change you wish to see in the world.
It’s time to have the real conversation. I’m ready. Are you?
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Photo credit: Thomas Rousing/flickr
I believe most anti-feminists are actually anti-modern/someparts of feminism. It seems most (apart from hardline conservatives) are greatful for earlier feminism or at least believe in equality between the genders but seem to disagree with modern aspects (such as the duluth model harming men, etc). “There are lots of different kinds of feminists – male and female. And there are a lot of people — male and female — who reject the feminist label, while embracing broader terms around gender equality. ” Indeed, I reject the feminist label but I do believe in equality between genders which aligns with what’s… Read more »
Oh my brother Archy, testify!
The sad part is most feminists are going to read your comment hear and just write you off as a cis het white guy that’s just ranting against feminist without understanding what it is or some other condescending insult.
The ones like that, I have no desire to speak to. I only talk to decent people.
You got it, Danny. There are no sides in the fight to end sexual and physical violence.
I think a big reason why a lot of the fighting goes on is because different people on different sides have seen that appealing to authority works. If you can get the system to work for you , no matter how damaging it is, its still considered a victory. Real change is going to require all of us at the table. This means we have to create space to allow for difficult conversations about topics that matter to all of us. If you can’t bring yourself to be in the same room as someone who is a proud feminist (of… Read more »
I think you’ve zeroed in on the very thing that causes conflicts to go unresolved when you said, “When we focus on the outcomes we wish to achieve and set aside different opinions on causation, it’s easier to collaborate.” No party to a conflict ever gives ground for any reason if they are under attack. Too much time is wasted on this issue in flinging blame, gender bashing and making one’s case for absolute victimhood. You don’t need to waste time on proving that the other party to your issue is a bastard and that’s why s/he needs to change… Read more »
Thank you, Keith! Yes, the zero-sum victim game has lots of losers and no winners. Plus, when you work together on something positive with others, you generally start to discover positives things about the people themselves.
We’ve been ready for a long time but it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere fast. And as long as there is so much visibility that relates to male on female and so little about female on male, I’m not sure there are many that are willing to come to the table. As stats are clearly showing, the percentages are pretty close, societal exposure to female on male is virtually a “mention” in comparison.
I wonder if we could collectively think about *inviting* more people to the table? I don’t believe very many people are against ending intimate violence – whether the perpetrators or victims are male or female. If we can set a table with open, collaboration-minded changemakers, imagine what might happen next?