Shawn Maxam talks about the complexities and contradictions of modern masculinity.
I’m like Che Guevara with bling on. I’m complex.
-Jay-Z
We often dismiss the many connecting layers and breathing paradoxes that defines our collective humanity. Good people have vices and engage in unhealthy behaviors. Martin Luther King Jr. had an extramarital affair. He was still a good man, actually a great man. Through out history we see this example of contradiction repeat itself over and over. Today the average man has his own flaws as well. We often confuse goodness with perfection. This is a fallacy and destructive to a positive sense of self.
I believe that I am a good man. I try everyday to be empathetic and compassionate. To be a good citizen and a loving husband. To challenge inequality and privilege. To fight for social justice among other things.
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I would assume many men understand these contradictions and have some of their own. Your goodness aka your character should never be questioned based upon the aspects of your personality others find the least agreeable.
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I admittedly look at pornography. I am aware many of the interactions are based on archetypes and stereotypes of male pleasure. I use to feel guilty about claiming to be a progressive man but still watching something that my mother and wife both find perplexing and often disturbing. Now I have accepted that attempting to rationalize my watching of pornography is purposeless. Yes it is problematic but as long as all participants are consenting adults, viewers and porn actors alike, I accept the contradiction.
I have been a fan of rap music since I was a teenager. As I have gotten older and more self-aware I realized how sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, violent and immature most of my favorite rap albums were. Even “conscious” rappers referred to women as bitches and hoes. I enjoyed listening to Snoop Dogg, Wu-tang, Nas, Kanye West and Drake. The aggressive bravado speaks to me even if I now cringe at most of the content.
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I would assume many men understand these contradictions and have some of their own. I think a person’s character is informed by two things 1) who they are now and 2) who they want to be. These two things are constantly in flux and not necessarily ever aligned. Don’t let people define you by just one. Your goodness aka your character should never be questioned based upon the aspects of your personality others find the least agreeable.
Good men always strive to become better people. Such is the aim of the progressive and new modern masculinity.
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
R.I.P. SKH
Image courtesy Andy Chen
About S. Maxam
Thank you so much for writing on this topic!
I’ve hit an age in my development as a man to care less about what people find “least favorable”, even when it comes to my role as someone who advocates in gender equality. I don’t want to go into details of my guilty pleasures, but I think this article reminds us that we’re all human and should indulge in what makes a good life–so long as it’s not oppressing others, which isn’t too hard.
Yes Kaleb I totally agree. We are all human and should live happy full lives as long as our desires do not harm other folks.
What qualifies “oppressing” someone?
I assume (and I could be incorrect) that Kaleb means oppression in it’s most tangible sense. Physical and emotional harm. The dehumanization of folks etc.
Yes hardcore pornography is steeped in tons of problematic issues but I am not sure the word oppression would apply. I would reserve that for forced prostitution and sex slavery among other things.
Again I could be totally incorrect. Just spit-balling a bit here.
Your point about contradictions and imperfections is well taken, but I take issue with the notion that there’s something wrong with porn. Dan Savage (a good man by my estimation) frequently mentions a study about men and porn that they wanted to do comparing men who look at porn to men who don’t. They had to call the study off; they couldn’t find any men who don’t look at porn. There are problems in the porn industry insofar as actors and models work in substandard conditions for little pay, but this is not a problem with porn itself. As much as anything, it’s a problem with a sex-negative culture that stigmatizes porn to the point that these fly-by-night outfits can get away with what they’re doing. Porn, for me, is no more a guilty pleasure than sex or masturbation are guilty pleasures. It’s a pleasure I indulge in without the slightest shred of guilt. So there.
Agree SF but porn isn’t a widely ccepted pleasure like say ice cream. It is a pleasure that unfortunately is polarizing.
From reality TV shows to more serious “vices” people seem to either feel guilty or to cause others to feel guilty for indulging in the things they like. But I am glad that you can partake without negative feelings. That is very healthy for you.
I always have to question people who speak about how things like pornography are completely a-ok, but in turn hide it from their spouses, or refuse to discuss such topics in the company of women, etc. That being said, I really admire you saying that you feel no guilt about your consumption. (Also, I recently started following your blog and so far I’m very taken with it. After everything I’ve read, you and especially your wife seem like such beautiful people.)
I believe that if you’re willing to admit something is wrong and inspires guilt , you should at least attempt to figure out why you’re feeling so guilty, and probably give that problem some attention.
Manda I personally don’t think that porn is ok. It has a lot of issues and I have a lot of issues with its portrayal of men, women and sex but I also know it’s fake and doesn’t reflect real intimacy.
Wow, well I am glad you really like the blog. I deeply appreciate you reading and comment.
Yeah my wife is pretty awesome. Hopefully we will both continue to grow as people and have some interesting experiences to share while engaging on our journey.
If it is obviously fake why is it a turn on? That is one of the things I don ‘t get.
The same way we enjoy Game of Thrones or Star Trek or The Dark Knight. Something can be absolutely absurd but one can find enjoyment of some kind from it. I hope that helps explain it a little bit.
I can only speak for myself, but it’s fantasy. It doesn’t have to be real to be a turn on. I suppose everyone watches it for different reasons and finds different things attractive about it. Now that I find myself married to a woman who’s lost interest in sex, who’s unadventurous and timid and inhibited in bed… I enjoy the faked enthusiasm of the women in porn. I so very much miss having an adventurous partner, I get turned on watching women pretend to be so into sex that they’re utterly uninhibited and eager to do anything. And I find myself much more turned on by these aspects of porn than I was as a younger man when adventure was easier to come by.
I’ve never watched porn looking for “real intimacy” but I suppose if that was absent from my relationship and I was desperately missing it, and fantasizing about emotional intimacy, maybe watching it would fill some of that void.
Perhaps obviously-fake porn is a turn-on BECAUSE it’s fake?
Reality involves consequences. Porn does not. There are no consequences for anything the actors do, from the most innocent spank to the most vile… well, I won’t go there. There are no conversations to be had, compromises to make, boundaries to establish and respect.
And you gotta admit, there’s something sexy about no consequences. Something enticing about “getting away with it.” Through porn we can imagine ourselves doing things we wouldn’t dare do in reality because of the consequences – “The real me would never do this, but the Fake Me could.” That’s why so much porn explores kinks we barely dare to admit to ourselves – but even the most vanilla porn has a forbidden fruit factor if only because sex is not something we typically get to *watch* happening without porn.
Have you ever had a dream where you have sex with someone you’d never have sex with in real life? And did it turn you on? Bam – that’s porn.
I think some porn is ok, other porn is problematic (like every medium out there). But I don’t like discussing it with everyone because so many women in particular generalize about porn and will assume I’m looking at the most degrading shit imaginable. Having to justify yourself to people with ignorant views of a medium and it’s viewers is annoying, and porn is an acceptable target of peoples shame and guilting tactics. One of the last woman I opened up to about porn accused me of supporting rape?!
I feel guilt because of other peoples view of porn, and in my society it’s still seen as negative, dirty, degrading, and also I am a guy without a partner so there is a level of virgin/guy who doesn’t get laid enough type shaming going on. And then in some cases you get some women who see the porn, think you like a certain kind of woman and assume all these things about what you like when they’re completely wrong, it’s annoying and makes them feel insecure and not believe you when you say you find them sexy. AND THEN try to explain to them that what you think of as fantasy doesn’t’ mean you actually want it, I’ve had the odd fantasy about being a spy and getting the woman, but no way would I want to live my life looking over my shoulder. I’ve fantasized about sex with much much older women, but don’t want to have sex with them. Fantasy isn’t reality, what I look at to jerk off to doesn’t mean I ACTUALLY want it, it just means it turns me on for some reason. AND THENNN you get people that assume they can’t compare to the “hot women in porn” and thus their partner wants the pornstar more, yet the guy in many cases desires his partner the most.
Then lets add on the whole negativity surrounding male sexuality, where I feel ashamed (or get the impression I am meant to feel ashamed) to be a man with a sexuality because there is so much talk about how porn is harmful, porn is bad, porn degrades women, porn objectifies women, porn causes war (damn near close to hearing this suggestion) and very few it seems can accept that porn can be good, healthy, totally fine to look at depending on the content, normal, etc.
How can I truly open up and say I like what I like when I’m most likely going to be shamed like crazy over it, even by some feminists in particular who on one hand talk about how wrong it is to limit and control female sexuality (slut shaming etc) but turn around n shame men for looking at porn. I only open up here about it because I am anonymous, I can ditch this identity and no one in my life knows about it. I’m not going to feel comfortable in a society that spends so much time demonizing male sexuality without celebrating the good side enough especially with all the moral shame surrounding it, the implied view that I think low of women because I watch porn when many don’t bother to find out why men (or women) actually look at porn.
Why should I feel ashamed because some people don’t like some porn and assume I look at the porn they’re thinking about or act in the way they think a man looking at porn does? Quite frankly I find it hard to respect people who don’t at least try to understand a group, who are quick to latch on to ignorant views but slow to try understand who they are talking negatively about. I actually try my best to understand the anti-porn crusaders, and I agree on some of their points, but the biggest issue is that they generalize about the medium when it only applies to some parts of it. I dislike most of the “pro” porn industry, but amateur porn is something I see that is great and has a lot of great content (and yes some bad content that should be addressed). I don’t want to see the good thrown out with the bad though, it’s like how people hate all of feminism because some of it is anti-male or ends up harming men, it ignores the good out there and it insults all the good feminists to be lumped in with the bad ones. It’s like implying sex is bad and those that have sex are bad because some people rape, but what about all the good, loving, caring sex that goes on with full consent?
I don’t understand the appeal of porn but I’ve had to accept that it’s something I just won’t ever understand about men. A guy can love me and be a great guy and love his kids and be a good dad and be kid to old people and animals, and yet still enjoy wanking off while watching a girl dressed as a cheerleader getting f&ed in the @ss by six guys at once. Or whatever. I don’t get it. I will never get it. But unless I go live on an island without men (which sounds kind of boring), I have to tolerate the concept that the men I love have this weird sexual dark side that I find deeply disturbing. (And yes I’m generalizing here, since I know there are women who like porn and men — a very few men, maybe! — who don’t like porn. )
Anal sex is a turnoff for me, and a girl being fucked by 6 guys would be a turn off too. The only orgies I’ve ever found interesting had equal numbers of men n women but the reality of that is probably very tricky to pull off. Just make that you realize not all men look at the same porn, and what is promoted by the pro industry can be as shit as hollywood’s latest productions and far off what some people actually want. The amateur segment is growing in popularity quite a bit and much of that is just couple porn, no gangbangs, etc.
There’s very little genuine erotica in porn, alas. Much of it is monster shots and fetishes. I watch it occasionally, and am quite willling to discuss it with my wife or anyone else. Occasionally something will pop up that’s genuinely erotic in my book. For example, there have been two recent massage scenes where a woman masseur massages and masturbates first a woman to orgasm in one scene, then a man to orgasm in another scene. These were beautifully and sensitively done, I think.
Sometimes you can see one on one scenes that make you believe that the actors really connected. These are rare, I’ll admit.
There’s very little genuine erotica in porn, alas.
Agreed, most of it is mechanical and soulless, even medical. devoid of an erotic connection between the actors
Acknowledging that you like porn and hip-hop is fine; admitting them as “flaws” to be overcome, however, is not. It suggests that you’ve embraced the judgement and values of others rather than tell them to go take a flying leap.
I applaud your progress, and I hope it continues to the point that you openly celebrate the things you enjoy, rather than being embarrassed by them.