If you’re sitting around waiting for your partner to change, you’re giving away your power.
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Most couples come into my office wanting their partner to change:
If only he would be more attentive / punctual / responsible.
If only she would be more relaxed / less critical / more sexually willing.
In other words, If only my spouse would do the work, our marriage would be sooooo much better!!!
Where is your power in that?
One of my favorite personal coaches, Emily Schromm, says, “Be your own superhero.”
What if you decided to be your own superhero in your relationship?
When you want your partner to do the changing, you have given all of your power away…and you are not reaping some of the real benefits of doing the work in a committed relationship.
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Take a page from the superhero-playbook and get empowered in your relationship:
Superhero Tip #1: Hone Your Spide-y Senses
Spiderman has the keen ability to sense trouble. Maybe his skin prickles or his heart flutters when he detects danger — whatever it is, it works.
Sharpening your intuition and your ability to recognize trouble in your relationship is vital to your relationship’s health. I often call this, “keeping your hand on the pulse of your relationship”. When you attend to the rhythm of your relationship, you will notice when it begins to skip a beat.
Superhero Tip #2: Show Up
When a superhero’s instinct is awakened, the first thing they do is show up.
Batman magically materializes. Catwoman responds to the call and descends in full force ready and willing to engage in reconciling the situation at hand…no hesitation, no second guessing. Superheros are fully attentive to the situation. They’re not half-heartedly facing the villain whilst checking their Facebook status.
One of the biggest hurdles in relationships is showing up at those times when you feel petrified with fear or are filled with anger. You might decide to not show up at all because you just have no idea what to do to make a change.
If you do not know how to move passed the fear, anger, or inexperience, ask for support. That’s what your sidekick is for — a trusted friend, family member, minister, rabbi, therapist, or coach. If you feel like you cannot show up on your own, show up with your team.
Superhero Tip #3: Be Confident
Even in times of indecision in your relationship, there are always things that you know for sure.
- You might know that you love your partner.
- You might know that you do not want to get a divorce.
- You might know that you deeply want to connect with your partner emotionally.
- You might know that you want to explore your sexuality more creatively.
- You might know that you are ready to be done with pain and discomfort that you have been experiencing.
Superheros are confident because they stand in their knowing (e.g. protecting Metropolis) but also know their limitations.
Learning how to stand firmly with your own awareness while understanding your weaknesses is not only valuable but vital to a healthy relationship.
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Photo: JD Hancock/Flickr
Originally published: Counseling of Center Creek
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YES. if more people would just show up in their relationships people wouldnt be so unhappy. Thanks for pointing that out.
Great stuff Jenny,
I am getting ready to apply all three to my marriage right now. Why settle for good whens stellar is just a blink away.
Superhero Tip #4: Superheros are almost always men….and once in a while women as long as they have huge boobs….but it’s still all about the boys.