Have you met Xena The X-Boyfriend Basher or Pious Polly? Allow April Brucker to introduce you to them, and 8 other ladies to avoid.
____
Men can always spot a guy who is trouble. On the other hand, women are sometimes blind and don’t spot the trouble signs until it is too late. Just in: despite the claims of the Lifetime Movie Network, women can be bad news as well.
Yes, guys can be fooled, too, and miss the signs of danger. However, as a woman I am here to warn you about these unhealthy ladies. Run before you find yourself knee-deep in a heap of trouble.
Jealous Jane
To this creature, every woman is a threat. To her the waitress was checking you out, your coworker wore that skimpy dress just for you, and even your own sister wants you in bed. Rest assured, while much of it is insecurity plus being hurt in the past, soon you will be accused of sleeping with women you never met. Armed with McGuyver skills, she has also obtained your email and facebook passwords. In this Roman Court of Law you are already guilty. Get out of jail free while you can.
Tara In-Trouble
The damsel in distress is in trouble once again. Dudley Do Right, hold your horses. She is on the railroad tracks an awful lot with Snidley Whiplash. No, it isn’t a cartoon villain with a bad mustache or just plain awful luck. IT’S HER. Yes, her addiction to drama and negative attention seeking behavior put her there. Run from the oncoming train before you have to clear your calendar for an ER visit or jail term.
Xena The X-Boyfriend Basher
There are bad men in this world who hurt women. At the same time, it also takes two to make a relationship a nightmare. If every man she has ever dated has been a monster that needed vanquishing, this is a pattern. Not only is she someone who never sees her role in anything, but her repeated need for conflict has caused partners to lash out and have enough. While a woman warrior is awesome on TV, she is not worth turning into a bad guy for.
♦◊♦
Sally Somewhat Separated
We all come with baggage. But if her baggage means she is still legally married, “Run, Forrest, run.” Either she and her codependent white knight are seeking to reunite, or she is lying so she can get a new man to put up with her never-ending relationship indecision. A cheater is someone who doesn’t want to be alone, and nothing says three’s company like a black sedan following you slowly down the sidewalk….so get out before the bullet from the gun of a jealous husband takes you out.
Pious Polly
Faith and spirituality are wonderful things. However, this young woman is on a mission from God. Fearlessly preaching to others, she believes it is her duty to save them from the flames of hell. Before you applaud her for conviction in her beliefs, Joan of Arc missed the sermon about loving your neighbors. As someone who constantly has the talk button on with no listening, there is probably no love loss on the part of her neighbors either. When she preaches her version of “Sinners at the Hands of an Angry God,” let’s bet it’s a shrill, hateful diatribe of intolerance towards those who believe and live differently than she does. In reality, she is not serving a power greater than herself, but rather just herself and is a hypocrite when it comes to her own character defects. A closed-minded, self-centered, judgmental partner spells unhealthy regardless of your belief system. Get away from this burning bush before it burns you.
Clingy Caroline
Guys, it is nice to have a devoted, fun loving companion at your side. But if she’s spending all her time with you, not so good. Before you start thinking of her as wifey material, examine the situation more closely. If she is sacrificing her interests and friends to be with you night and day, “Danger Will Robinson.” While a doting woman who has no identity outside of you or seeming thoughts of her own is a fantasy, in reality she has serious issues. No, she will not be pouring your lemonade in lingerie, but rather calling you ten times a day just to talk and then some. End this Fatal Attraction before she finds your pet bunny.
♦◊♦
Game Player Guenevere
Remember when your parents told your sister, “Girls don’t hit.” Bad news. She was learning to play mind games. Some of us grow out of it. Others become experts at psychological warfare. Yes, this would-be field marshal manipulator will take her emotional missiles and start fights where there are none just to gain control of the situation. Then, when you dare reply back she will cry, twisting the facts so you feel like it is your fault. One slight mistake you will hear, “DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!?” No, we don’t love her or her games. Hit a home run by leaving this ballpark of doom.
Lila Love 2 Party
This lass is fun to be around cause she is always doing something CRAZY. However, it’s no longer a good time when her booze and coke filled binges are on any day that ends with a “y.” Bonus, as her professional babysitter, you will be subject to fist fights and suicidal meltdowns when the high ends. Oh, and she might give you something that makes you burn when you pee. Leave the party before you turn into a pumpkin and get squashed.
Princess Penelope
Sure, some dudes wants to bang the homecoming queen, head cheerleader, or high ranking sorority sister with the rich dad. Beware, because the king’s daughter is a princess. She is used to getting her own way, and will expect you to dote on her like a knave. Oh, and she is ordering the steak and sliding the bill your way. Your friends will hate her and she will talk down to your sisters. Under the well-coiffed hair you can hear the snakes slither, get away before you get bitten by Medusa.
Opinionated Olivia
A heated debate with an intelligent woman can be hot, and what follows can be smoking. Watch out if she is always arguing with everyone and engaging in conflict where there is none. This woman insists the sky is red when it is really blue and will fight to the death. She will behave this way with everyone, including your family and friends. They will stop calling you and inviting you to things because you will bring The Hell Bitch. Want my opinion? Dump her like a bag of wet laundry.
Domestic violence is not just an issue with men, women can be abusive partners, too. It takes two to make a relationship unhealthy, and it isn’t always the man who is the aggressor. If you meet one of these women, run like you saw Godzilla. If she still manages to find you, move towns and change your identity. While a horror story is fun in hindsight, it is still a horror story nonetheless.
♦◊♦
Photo: Courtney Carmody (yes, really!)/Flickr
I think this article had promise but it placed too many over simplified labels on women to put them in neat little boxes. April, as a woman, I have no doubt that some time in your life you experienced a time when someone put a narrowly defined definition around who they thought you were. Or a time, when you were less then perfect in a relationship and looking back you said, “ouch, I can’t believe I acted that way, I learned from that.” You should seriously be aware of and not promote putting women (or men) into more labels and… Read more »
If you still have no idea what this means, don’t worry about it, because you can always…
Sometimes separated is equivalent to divorce just like living together is sometimes equivalent to married, just no legal paperwork. My ex-husband and I were separated for 13 years before we got around to divorcing and it wasn’t because we wanted to get back together. We were indifferent about it all. In that time I met, dated, and eventually started living with the man I am now happily married to. The catalyst to divorce was when we realized we had been married for 20 years and had been apart longer than we had been together. We started working on filling out… Read more »