Few partners will ever want to do the dishes so you have to change your question.
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This scene from The Break-Up is an all too familiar one in many relationships. She wants him to do the dishes. He protests and then grumpily agrees to do them, which only maddens her further. She doesn’t just want the dishes done. She wants him to want to do the dishes.
Here’s the deal. No one has to want to do the dishes. No one has to enjoy yard work or paying bills. Expecting a partner to want to do chores is a set up for relationship failure. The real issue is whether or not you or your partner are willing to do something you don’t want to do in order to better support one another.
The right question comes with more vulnerability.
It’s easier to just ask for dishes to be done than it is to say “I know you’re tired and just sat down but I’m tired, too. Would you be willing to help me with the dishes before we go to bed?” It’s hard to ask someone if they’d be willing to do something for us. Hearing “no” to that would suck. It would be rejection.
However, that is our real need so that should be our real question. We want our partners to want to take care of us and sometimes, yes, that means having to ask. The beauty in this, though, is that while we may never get our partners to want to do the dishes, we get to see that they really do want to take care of us. The yes to that question strengthens your relationships where a “no” to dishes can lead to an epic fight.
Yes, we really do have to ask.
What we’re really asking and hoping for when we say “I wish I didn’t have to ask…” is that we wish our partners were more aware of us. We wish our partners were able to perceive our needs, what would make us comfortable, happier, etc. without having to ask. Moments when our needs get met without having to ask are gifts to us. They shouldn’t become expectations.
Our partners can love us, want the best for us, and can enjoy taking care of us. That doesn’t mean though, that they’ll perceive our needs when we want them to. It certainly doesn’t mean that they love us less if they can’t read our minds but that is often exactly the conclusion we come to.
If you want something, you have to ask.
You don’t have to want to do the dishes but you do have to want to take care of your partner.
If you’re being asked to do something you don’t want to do, it’s ok not to want to do it. You do, however, have to communicate that taking care of your partner is important to you. If you simply say “no” without recognizing your partner’s feelings about that, you’re bound to face a tense response.
If you’re saying no, be clear on why and consider a plan B. Compromise and negotiate a different way you can be helpful. Recognize that the natural consequence to saying no to someone is that they are going to be disappointed. Hopefully, they won’t be too disrespectful about it but people get to be disappointed when their needs aren’t met.
When you have to hear “no” for an answer
We can’t always get what we want, right? It’s also true that we can’t always give as much as we’d like to. Sometimes we just don’t have it in us to take the extra step or go the extra mile. There are going to be times when despite how nicely we ask, the answer will still be “no”. Unmet needs are a major trigger for arguments and fights.
If you’re hearing “no” as the answer, try not to jump on a bandwagon of stories of why your partner has failed you or why you can’t rely on your partner for anything. You get to be disappointed. You can communicate that disappointment and figure out a compromise or what you need instead. You might need to take space to calm down. This may be cause for a larger conversation at a more neutral time or you’ll find you’ve calmed yourself and you can just move on.
How a fight about dishes leads to a fight about the relationship
How did we get here?
One moment you’re on the couch trying to dodge dishes and the next you’re in a fight about the status of your relationship. How does this happen? Because it’s never about the dishes. It’s about taking care of our partners. When we don’t feel taken care of, when our needs aren’t met and we’re not offered an explanation, the 6 year old inside of us think we’re being abandoned–that we’re loved less than we were yesterday and that our partners just don’t have our backs in the way that we have theirs.
It’s not always rational and it won’t always make sense but the next time you say or hear no to something as simple as dishes, make sure to communicate that while you don’t feel like doing the task, you do feel like taking care of your partner.
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Photo: YouTube Screenshot
Really….. nice to rain on someone’s parade. He might do dishes the way I cook….I’ve always cooked, 30+ years with rarely a day I haven’t…… that includes thinking, buying, prep, service…… once our kids became old enough they help and or cook a occasional meal…….. My wife washed dishes…..till the kids were old enough to……and that ended that. So should I apply my personal life experience as a blanket example of how women fail to follow thru? Or is it just my wife ? Tonight is pasta / chicken parm / salad / garlic bread and iced tea…..waiting on her… Read more »
Okay, a miracle has occurred in my life. I’m dating an older baby boomer who was strictly trained by his mother. Apparently she was in weak health, he was the oldest child, and he always jumped in to help her. He told me when we first started dating that he did dishes. At the time, I didn’t fully realize what he meant. He… DOES… DISHES. Religiously. Every day without fail. I never have to ask. I just grab a towel and do the drying. It’s the most wonderful thing that has every happened to me. That one thing makes our… Read more »
Well sure, he does the dishes now, but wait a few years. He’ll be too tired, or he won’t be feeling good about himself, or he’ll resent some habit of yours he used to find cute. Now it’s dishes every day. Five years from now you’ll be lucky if he does dishes once or twice per month.
Sorry to burst your negativity Adrian, but my hubby of 15 years still does the dishes….washes & dries. Always has and I’ve never had to ask. He always thanks me for cooking dinner and I always thank him for doing the dishes. It’s these little things make for a very happy marriage. I wish that for all of you. love & respect.
And I’m a husband of almost 40 years and I do dishes on a regular basis.