Crying is considered unprofessional in the medical profession. Why, then, does this photo capture our hearts?
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Outside of a Southern California hospital, an ER doctor is crouched down against a concrete wall grieving the loss of his 19-year-old patient. A paramedic snaps a photo of the tender scene. His coworker, a close friend of the doctor, posts the photo (with permission)online. Minutes after the photograph, the doctor returns to work “holding his head high.”
Thousands of people have commented on the web. In their own words, here is why the photo went viral:
Humans crave raw empathy.
The photographer captures a poignant moment in a stoic profession that trains doctors to remain professionally distant. The voyeuristic photo reveals the emotional reality of doctoring—and a side of physicians that people don’t usually see—while uniting us all in our common humanity.
Unexpected death is universally heartbreaking.
An ER doc, Smeee, writes:
When it comes to our work, nothing is harder—and I mean nothing—than telling a loved one that their family member is dead. Give me a bloody airway to intubate. Give me the heroin addict who needed IV access yesterday, but no one can get an IV. Give me the child with anaphylaxis. But don’t give me the unexpected death. . . . We can only do so much, and we can only hope to do our best. But it’s that moment, when you stop resuscitation, and you look around, you look down at your shoes to make sure there’s no blood on them before talking with family, you put your coat back on and you take a deep breath, because you know that you have to tell a family that literally the worst thing imaginable has happened. And it’s in that moment that I feel. And I feel like the guy in this picture.
Doctors are not allowed to grieve.
A surgeon, TheGreatGator, shares, “We are never formally trained to deal with loss and/or with giving the worst news of a families life to them.” Another doctor, boldwhite, writes:
I know what that person is feeling. Yesterday one of my 17-month-old patients died. I was in the bathroom crying in private between patients several times yesterday. I’ve cried in stairwells and hallways. It eats at you. Life is very fragile and the pain of losing those we are trying to help becomes a scar that doesn’t go away. It has shaped who I am as a person.
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In medicine, crying is unprofessional. That needs to change—now.
A premedical student volunteering in the local ER tells me about a female physician who cried after losing a child. He thought her behavior was unprofessional. I asked him to consider, “Who did she harm by crying?” Meanwhile, a physician tells me she’s been cited for unprofessional conduct for crying at work. Her boss told her, “Unless you are dying, crying is unprofessional behavior and not to be tolerated.” Some physicians and young doctors-in-training are uncomfortable with tears. Grieving is a healthy reaction to sadness. Humans bond through shared pain. Please do not punish your colleagues for their willingness to be vulnerable with grief-stricken families. Real doctors cry.
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Patients want doctors who cry.
Patients are comforted when doctors grieve with them. Vicki Allemand Scott, a mother on Facebook, concurs, “When my daughter passed away the doctors and nurses formed a wall in front of us until she was gone. ALL of these wonderful people were crying just as much as we were. I will never forget the kindness and compassion we were shown by these special people.”
Men cry.
Men are socialized not to cry. This photo honors a man for having the courage to cry. A son, livinbandit, shares:
My dad is an ER doctor, and has been for as long as I’ve been alive, always working nights. He doesn’t usually talk about patients, but he would talk about the gross things he’s had to deal with around the dinner table with the family. The times that I do remember though, however rare they were, were the times he would come home, and cry in my mother’s arms because there was someone that he couldn’t save no matter how hard he tried . . . He didn’t think any of us kids were watching, but I seemed to always see. I’ve never had more respect for my dad then when I would see him cry because he felt like he could have done more . . . Even if he couldn’t have.
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More than anything—doctors need your empathy.
What happens when the physician in the photo pulls himself together and gets back to work? One commenter on Reddit, PM_YOUR_PANTY_DRAWER, suggests the sad reality:
The part most people fail to realize, is that this man now has to compose himself, walk into another person’s room, and introduce himself with a smile and handshake to the next person. Sometimes healthcare workers walk in to see someone new and before even introducing themselves, out comes; ‘We’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes and . . .’ or ‘That guy next door has been moaning forever and nobody is helping him.’ You literally had to direct yourself 100% at someone grappling with death, and the rest of the show goes on around you.
There’s times where you run, and rush, and hurry, and skip eating, and go 12 hours without urinating, and you’d give your firstborn for a cup of water, and through it all, you lose, you get complained to, and you get zero sympathy from your coworkers or management. I’ve been covered in phlegm, urine, feces, blood, infectious drainage, sweat, and tears. I’ve had to go from ensuring a person continues to breathe, to a room full of angry people because grandma wanted a Tylenol and the call light has been on for 10 minutes, and we’re going to another hospital, and we want another doctor, and this place is getting a call to the administration, and I’m going to call a lawyer, and I’m calling channel 6 news, and we know so-and-so and he’s going to hear about this.
Healthcare is a life of fighting, defending yourself, sacrificing yourself, working weekends, missing holidays, and sometimes things like losing a patient makes you want to throw up your hands and say ‘fuck it, I’m out.’ But you can’t. You do it because you love it. You do this thankless and unappreciated job because you want to. I can’t believe I’m in 6-figure debt and gave up the nights and weekends of my 20s so I could voluntarily do it. But I couldn’t see myself doing anything else.
One doctor, jimbomac, has a simple request: “Let me tell you those ‘thank-you’ cards probably mean more to us than you think . . . we do hugely appreciate when people like yourselves take the time to say thanks.”
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Doctors who don’t grieve get sick.
Unprocessed grief is dangerous for human health. My Facebook friend, Joe Jacobs, writes:
I had a friend who was consuming heavy amounts of cocaine in the 80s trying to deal with a doctor’s life. He was a Cedars doctor making big bucks and living a prestigious life so I asked him why and he responded with. Paraphrase: I’m an oncologist who thought I would be able to help using the latest cure methods. I find myself head of the ward of incurables and it is my job to ease their pain and watch them die and then watch the response of family members to the outcomes.
If you don’t cry, you die.
In my recent article, Physician Bullying: ‘Not Allowed to Cry’ I discuss unprocessed grief as a root cause of physician bullying, abuse, depression—even suicide. Both men I dated in med school died by suicide. Brilliant physicians. One overdosed at a medical conference. The other overdosed after work. In just over a year, we lost three physicians in my town to suicide. Gunshot wounds, mostly. One local doc lost seven colleagues to suicide—so far. Our profession punishes doctors for grieving and restricts the medical licenses of those seeking mental health care. So rather than process our grief, many docs turn to alcohol, drugs, firearms.
The physician in this photo is a modern day hero.
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Originally Published: Pamela Wible M.D.
Featured Photo: Reddit
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Patients and family would feel a different and higher level of trust for medical staff able and allowed to express grief. Having the experts be ‘with you’ not just for the clinical part of a traumatic time, but for other wounds as well would be healing of a different kind for all involved, including doctors/nurses/med staff.
why do we all try to repress our humanity? i work with the homeless and vulnerable and today we sadly had a death within our project, we encourage grief to be external as we know how important and dangerous the shock,grief and helplessness feels later down the line. that’s when all the unhelpful questions are asked and unanswered. well done to the doctor who dared to cry. the people we meet and work with and for are worthy of our grief, sometimes they have no-one to grieve for them.
“In medicine, crying is unprofessional. That needs to change—now.” Disagree completely. Crying afterwards is fine, nobody will come after you. But during an emergency? During doing your job? No. I used to be a voluntary EMT for 20 years. We used to watch each other for tears. Tears during the “mission” mean you become emotionally attached. Becoming emotionally attached means you will make mistakes. Mistakes mean people die. Cry when the crisis is over. If you cry during the crisis, I will personally kick your butt off the site of the crisis, because you will endanger our patients and I… Read more »
Hello, yes I definitely understand where you are coming from. However, the author of the article did not say to cry during an emergency. The doctor in the picture cried AFTER the death and afterwards composed himself to keep working professionally. Could you imagine if he blocked all the emotions after the death and kept working, only to break down in another emergency because he did not take time to grieve before composing himself? That would.be a lot worse for patient safety I think. Many times in the article she mentioned doctors grieving BETWEEN patients or AFTER work and then… Read more »
My goodness. Did we read the same article? Because nowhere in the one that I read did it talk about crying during patient contact. Before: yes. After: absolutely. During: never.
My father went into the hospital for pancreatitis last Sunday. I just got back from caring for him tonight (which I’ve done a few times this week)– he’s needed extra help since the staff are spread a bit thin and sometimes slow to respond. I’m only 3 months out from back surgery, myself. This article sums up TONS of things I’ve been feeling. Tons. I’m glad some of the examples included nurses– with all the health issues I’ve had… oh, I intuitively know somehow the toll nurses take. I express my gratitude any way I can; I know they work… Read more »
I will say it before and I will say it again, if God did not want people to cry, he would not have given us the ability to cry and have crying become part of human emotions.
Being a health care provider i think that is not a “unprofessional” thing to do, what needs to change it’s the common mindset among colleagues. What went viral it’s on the words of the green goblin: “… I chose my path, you chose the way of the hero. And they found you amusing for a while, the people of this city. But the one thing they love more than a hero is to see a hero fail, fall, die trying…”
The word “Wow” does not begin to cut it.
And it is no coincidence, that I AM reading this, while in a hospital. I shed tears of relief yesterday, when I arrived, but I can honestly say that every staff person–doctor, nurse, assistant, janitor–has been professional, friendly, etc.
Thank you so much for this post.