We want men to be able to problem-solve. We want them to empathize,too, and know when not to solve a problem. Aaron Anderson, a father, wonders what can parents of sons do?
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Until four years ago, I was the proud father of two beautiful, energetic little girls. I thought it was tough to have girls. Even though they were only three and five years old at the time, I was already envisioning all the girl problems they’d have: boys who only wanted them for sex, trying to fit in with mean girls, etc. But then something happened that blew all my trepidation away: I had a son.
People still expect men to be strong, tough and protective…Yet they’re also expected to be sensitive, kind and caring; able to see others’ feelings and empathize with them.
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My son is four years old, now, and I have to say that raising my son has been a lot harder than raising my girls. There are so many differing ideas and unspoken expectations on men in society that I feel trapped in an endless merry-go-round of competing beliefs. And I have no idea what to do. More than anything I want my son to be courageous and strong so that he can handle all the problems of life and make it through them okay. But as I teach him the principles to help him accomplish this, I am enamored by people who tell me that I’m “too traditional”, “archaic”, and “doing more harm than good”.
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But I also want him to be sensitive and kind to others and have no limits of empathy. So I try to help him use nice words and talk about why he’s angry. But then I see him interact with other boys on the playground and see him getting pushed around because he uses his words and other boys use their hands. Then I get enamored by more people telling me my son is “too soft” and “you need to teach him to stand up for himself or he’ll be a sissy”.
As I have tried to navigate this dilemma of competing beliefs over the last four years, I realize that I am feeling a lot like Goldilocks: It’s either too hot or too cold. But unlike Goldilocks I’m struggling to find the middle ground that is “just right”.
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As I have struggled trying to teach my son ways that are ‘just right’ it has made me realize more than ever that expectations for men in our society vary so widely that there’s no way I can “raise a son right”. People still expect men to be strong, tough and protective. They expect them to be physical and willing/ready to fight someone at a moment’s notice. Yet they’re also expected to be sensitive, kind and caring; able to see others’ feelings and empathize with them. Men are expected to be fixers but also know their place in society and not try to fix certain things.
Raising my son has brought to question my own masculinity
As I raise my son with the values that I feel will be most important for him, I realize that I am teaching him the values that I have which have helped me become a successful adult. I’m teaching him the ones that have been most helpful for me. And I see for the first time ever that I am also being struck by society’s double-edged sword of masculine expectations. I’ve always backed down from fights. I have always had more girl friends than guy friends. I enjoy talking about feelings. And I get my fair share of ridicule for it.
Will I forever be stuck in limbo trying to teach him mixed messages of what it means to be a man in today’s society?
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And when I sit down to watch football game or take time away from the kids to work on my hotrod, I also get ridiculed for being “too much of a guy”.
In my profession, men seek me out for counseling because they want a male counselor. And because I’m a guy, they expect me to be on their side when they chide their wife for being angry at him when he sexts with other women. Then, when I don’t, they leave me comments on my business page that I am “biased” and “unfair”. Apparently I’m not living by the man code – no matter what I do.
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How am I supposed to raise a son when I don’t understand what societal expectations are for men? Will I forever be stuck in limbo trying to teach him mixed messages of what it means to be a man in today’s society? And what message does this send to my son as he looks to me for guidance and I (and society) can’t give him any consistency?
After some consideration, I have decided that I no longer care what expectations there are for men. I don’t care because someone somewhere is going to chide me for not being “man enough”. I’ll raise my son to be the strongest, kindest, gentlest, most courageous boy he wants to be. And when he looks to me for guidance I’ll tell him to keep doing whatever he’s doing – as long as it makes him happy.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Then you and i are on the same page, Tom. Thanks for the thought. These are all human characteristics that culture has deemed to put a label on them when none was needed. Like emotions, communication, colors, material stuff. Culture has indeed put men in a box and i don’t want to play that game any longer for the relatively short time i have left on this planet. I do want to do what serves me, what makes me happy, what inspires me. If others think that’s not grown up, or silly or weird, i don’t know pick one as… Read more »
Mark, I really like what you wrote and given that you and I are close in age, I can certainly relate to what you said. The only thing that I question is the term “feminine characteristic. ” IMO, what I see as being “feminine’ is actually characteristic to men, it’s just that it’s been ignored by society because there appears to have been a need to box men in to a stereotype.
Thank you so much JP. I’m really serious about this aspect. It started 15 years ago when I first read the 4 agreements by Ruiz. Most of this is a dream. It is not reality no matter how vociferous the culture says it is. I’m just now integrating it. I’m a slow learner but better late than never.
Your kids are lucky to have you and you sound like a thoughtful father. I like what you wrote in your last paragraph which sums up my attitude to parenting.
Thank you.
Really good article Aaron, and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head as to just what we as men are supposed to do. Way too many conflicting messages. Like the others, I think you’re doing the right thing. I did the similar with my boys. But even still, they’ll be chastised when they fight back, or when they don’t, or when they express their feelings or when they don’t. It’s not them, or you. We have got one seriously messed up culture, but everyone acts as if it is normal, and the humans in it are the defective… Read more »
Wow Mark, I love what you have written.
Respect, from Australia.
I have no conflict because I’m not swayed by what society thinks a man should or shouldn’t be. I am grounding my kids in the Lord first and teaching them about compassion and respect. However, I let them know what OUR values are, not what society, the Supreme Court or what activists say our values should be. Keeping Him in our lives has been the greatest tool to keeping our heads about the conflicting and contrary values of the ever changing social landscape. Grounding our family in Him has been the best and most effective antidote with the confusion of… Read more »
DBG, I mirror what you’ve said … Our beliefs are the same as yours, God based which makes a world of difference. But as you know, it’s hard these days because the way we raise(d) our families is often times a target. Really glad to see more like us. Take care and God bless.
Excuse me, but I suppose when my boyfriend and I get married and consider having a family of our own, I hope your descendants will play nicely with mine. You don’t know what “being a target” is until you’ve been threatened with direct and personal physical violence simply for existing as you are. People disagreeing with you is not “being a target”; it’s discourse. People deciding your existence somehow offends their sensibilities and needs to be “rectified” one way or another is “being a target”. Last I checked, 75%-80% of America claims to be Christian; you’re not an endangered species… Read more »
Aaron, I think what you’re experiencing is what a lot of dads these days are experiencing. What society has managed to do is cause dad’s to second guess themselves and question their abilities. Personally, I think it’s sad that this is happening. I look at you as a dad and am amazed as to how you could second guess yourself. The truth is that most kids that have active dads in their lives do very well in life. When I was raising my son and daughter, I tapped into how my mom and dad raised me and my siblings. I… Read more »
Teach him values (like generosity, compassion) and skills (like kick boxing), but don’t try to find his balance for him. He’ll find it for himself. What’s always helped me and what I’d pas on to any child is to always have a ground. Things can go crazy with your love life or friendships, things can go crazy at work, things can go crazy with your home or family life, but keep at least one of them fairly stable. If he goes to the right school, kick boxing is a very good example of balance. It’s violence, but a controlled violence.… Read more »