Stephane Wahl was down for the count before she realized that “man colds” are nothing to joke about.
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A few years ago, my husband, Mike, shared this video with me. In case you can’t watch right now, it’s a man lying on the couch as though near death due to the ravages of a “man cold.” Hilarity ensues when the paramedics he’s called arrive and give instructions to his – also sick – girlfriend. I’ll admit it – I laughed like crazy.
The idea that men are big babies when they are sick is not a new one. There are memes all over the internet that say this is the norm. Perhaps my favorite bit of information on this ubiquitous disease comes from Urban Dictionary, which puts a “man cold” on par with end stage brain cancer. Even Web MD, AKA the hypochondriac generator, has hopped on the bandwagon with an article that theorizes that men and women perceive, respond to, and care for symptoms differently.
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We had a very serious “man cold” in my house over the weekend.
It even preempted my husband’s surprise party (I’m not spoiling anything – he found out about it a few days prior). Thursday morning, Mike was complaining of a feeling that was like intense and awful heartburn, but his pills weren’t helping. In fact, nothing was helping. Flu-like symptoms quickly followed, and I insisted he stay home. I picked up Meredith from the sitter’s that night, made him soup, and even brought him his dinner on a tray in the living room so he could lay on the couch and watch TV. I was the very model of sweet sympathy.
And I was judging him.
Friday, I made Mike stay home again, and went off to work. Within 30 minutes of getting there, the stomach virus made its appearance. I’ll spare you any graphic details, but after getting sick 3 times in half an hour, I decided I’d rather not be Typhoid Mary, and went home, assuring my co-workers that I’d be available by phone and would do some work from home. I planned to clean for the party, grocery shop, and cook once my work was done.
I had been stuffed to the gills with the ideas that moms can do anything, that we soldier on when we’re sick, etc, that I hadn’t even entertained the notion that it might actually be that bad.
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By the time I got home, I could barely hold my hands up on the steering wheel. Every step was an effort. I felt like I was going to be sick again, my muscles all felt like I’d tried to leap into the arms of a Transformer, and I was unspeakably woozy and weak.
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I had to apologize. As much as I didn’t want to admit to Mike that I’d been all superior and judgey, it was the right thing to do.
“See?” he said, “I told you.” I deserved that. He could have done an “I told you so” dance (Will & Grace, anyone?) and it would have been more than gracious.
I had been stuffed to the gills with the ideas that moms can do anything, that we soldier on when we’re sick, etc, that I hadn’t even entertained the notion that it might actually be that bad.
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So why is the idea of the “man cold” so pervasive?
Even now, even after that experience, I do still think some men, sometimes, do make a much bigger fuss about things when they’re sick. I have a theory, and it’s one that’s at least touched upon in the WebMD article above.
Men typically aren’t encouraged to be open and vocal about their feelings – especially ones that may show weakness. They aren’t supposed to show fear, sadness, or vulnerability. However, when they are sick, there’s something visibly, physically wrong with them. It’s apparent, and it’s a fact. Not a “feeling” per se. So this may be the one time when it’s safe for men to actually open up and express that they are unhappy. They can ask for a hug and have someone to stroke their forehead or hair.
I took to the streets (AKA my friends) to get input on this theory.
The “man cold” isn’t a disease – it’s a symptom of a society that says men aren’t allowed to be open and vulnerable.
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The men I spoke to all confirmed it – they like to be taken care of, but they don’t want to be seen as weak – especially by the people they feel they should be taking care of—their significant others.
Being taken care of when they are sick doesn’t qualify as weak because it’s something that’s been going on their whole lives. Think of the countless moms who bring their young sons soup, make sure they have their favorite stuffed animal or blanket, set them up on the couch with their favorite movie or show. Having once expressed as a child that I liked being sick because it was the only time my mom made me Jell-O, I suppose I can understand the logic.
Being sick is a license to say “I need to be nurtured. I need someone to care of me.” Perhaps, most importantly, simply “I need.”
What if we spent more time nurturing and caring for men when they’re healthy? What if we opened up a safe space for men to say “I need” in the course of their everyday life without ridicule, or an implication that they are “less than” for it?
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The “man cold” isn’t a disease – it’s a symptom.
It’s a symptom of a society that says men aren’t allowed to be open and vulnerable. That they aren’t allowed to have needs outside of sex, beer, and red meat. They must be strong and take care of others, but can’t admit weakness and allow themselves to be cared for.
So instead of rolling your eyes at the next man cold you see, take a look at the rest of your relationship.
Do you listen when your partner expresses needs, whether directly or indirectly? Does he know that you’re there for him? Do you share responsibilities so he doesn’t feel as though all of the weight is his to carry? Does he have your acceptance if he needs to put it down and rest for a minute when he’s not at his best?
I’m not saying we should baby men. They’re adults, and we are not their mothers. All I’m saying is that emotional support every day could keep “man colds” away.
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Also by Stephane Wahl: Why My Husband Will Never Have a ‘Good Wife’
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Photo:55Laney69/Flickr
I think this is a really sweet article; and I bet it’s absolutely true for some men. I’m not one of them; typically, I like to soldier on, or if I’m really sick I like to be left alone. But I definitely like being “cradled” sometimes by my wife, and if I had to use sickness to get a little nurturing time, I might.
I think you’re over-analyzing.
Not every cold or flu are alike. Sometimes you’re able to soldier on, but my friends know that when I can’t get out of bed, I really can’t. Like, I haven’t eaten for 2 days, but it’s just too much of an effort to crawl to the kitchen and make a sandwich.
But see, those aren’t the situations I’m talking about. I know those happen. I’m talking about men who literally just have a sinus infection and act like they’re dying – the current pop culture definition of man cold. Not all men do this, and most probably don’t. But there are enough men who do that it’s a thing. There are even men who flat out admit to it. Also, you rock for pushing through when you actually can 🙂
I’m talking about men who literally just have a sinus infection and act like they’re dying – the current pop culture definition of man cold. I think that happens because those guys see that sinus infection as a chance to overly indulge in the care and attention that they otherwise haven’t received because of the “be a real man” thing. If you look at the opposite end of “Its a sinus infection, OMG IMDYING!!!!!” men you have the “I’ve only been coughing up blood for 2 days, it’ll go away. I have work to do” men. I think the “man… Read more »
Apparently men have more temperature receptors in the brain, and get hit harder by colds/flu than women do. Apparently women also have boosted immunity from estrogen levels too which help fight off infections.
Interesting – you learn something new every day. Even at 4am when your baby has just gone back to sleep.
I’ve never had one. I’m not even sure if this is a metaphor for depression. In fact, I’ve nursed my wife and kids through numerous illnesses over the years, and managed to keep up with a demanding job. I’ve worked through strep, sinus infections and serious colds. I know many guys that have worked for over 20 years without taking more than a handful of sick days. Sorry, but this just looks like another man shaming story. What you may be missing is that men get depressed, but our wives or society really do not want to hear about our… Read more »
I’m sorry if it came across that way, but what you’re saying was actually my point. If women were willing to listen and be accepting of men’s feelings, the men who do get “man colds” wouldn’t need to feign helplessness for attentive on and care. And to the record, my husband nurses me when I’m sick, too. My goal here was to show that by perpetuating the idea that men are big babies when sick instead of just addressing their needs all the time, we are doing damage. That seems to be part of your point as well.
Another man shaming story? At the end of the article she says that woman need to pay more attention to their men, allow them to express their needs, be open with their feelings. She actually apologizes for formally having that opinion and admits she was WRONG about it. I can’t see how that was meant to shame men, but rather tell women to stop being judgmental when men are sick or express a need for attention and nurturing.