Rob Shorette-Remigio and his wife turned their beliefs about marital equality into action when they took each other’s last name.
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“So what are we going to do about our last name?”
I did not anticipate the sense of fascination that it would ultimately evoke or, on the other hand, how polarizing our decision would be.
The fact of the matter is that simply asking my fiancée that question was breaking the mold of traditional marriage. Although it was obviously important to me that we discuss the issue, I didn’t approach the conversation thinking that our decision had any serious implications.
“But it’s widely accepted for the woman to take the man’s last name.”
The criteria for making our decision came down to one principle: equality—equality in the form of honoring each other’s family identity while symbolizing the union of our families.
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“It’s tradition.”
“You will just confuse people and have to explain this decision for the rest of your life.”
These are just a few of the responses I received after revealing to my family and friends that I would be changing my last name to include my wife’s last name. And because that decision drew more attention than I had anticipated, it inspired me to take this opportunity to provide some insight that I hope will help people understand why I even asked the question, “So what are we going to do about our last name?”
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Quite honestly, it all happened pretty organically, which I think speaks to the values my wife and I share. Ultimately, for us, the criteria for making our decision came down to one principle: equality—equality in the form of honoring each other’s family identity while symbolizing the union of our families. We decided that the best way to do that was for us both to adopt the last name, Shorette-Remigio. In my opinion, it wasn’t fair for my wife to take my last name—even if it was just an addition to her own through hyphenating—while I was required to do nothing. As someone who promotes equality, it would have been hypocritical to leave my name untouched. Plus, I was excited at the thought of including her name in mine!
These “widely accepted” norms and cultural “traditions” people were referring to, which are often maintained by misogynistic belief systems, need to be questioned and challenged.
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It was also very important to me that we maintained equality in the decision-making process. Unfortunately, because of the way our society still operates, there is some inherent male privilege that empowers men to dictate how that process will go. I reject that idea. I didn’t believe that, as a man, I possessed the power and that it was up to me to surrender it. That line of thinking assumes that my wife had no power until I gave it to her. I approached the process as her equal. At the same time, I was aware that certain traditional messages about marriage engrained in many cultures may have influenced her thinking and the onus may be on me to initiate the discussion about a nontraditional approach.
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These “widely accepted” norms and cultural “traditions” people were referring to, which are often maintained by misogynistic belief systems, need to be questioned and challenged, especially when those norms and traditions have arbitrarily subjugated a group of human beings over time. Some may think to themselves, “A man changing his last name is such an insignificant act when it comes to such a complex and ubiquitous issue.” True, it is no act of Congress. But it is during those times when we, as individuals, have the ability to apply principles of equality that we must, because those smaller acts possess potential for producing cumulative effects. So, in response to the concern that I will have to explain this decision for the rest of my life, I say, “Good!” As opposed to seeing it as a burden, I see it as an opportunity—an opportunity to share our story and maybe introduce others to new ways of thinking about equality in marriage.
After initiating what could have been a difficult discussion, it was a beautiful thing to recognize that my wife and I were on the same page from the very start. Even more beautiful was the moment I realized that my wife was just as concerned about honoring my family as she was about ensuring the legacy of her own.
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Photo: Prayitno/Flickr
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What a tempest in a teapot! Your maiden name is undoubtedly your father’s surname, so are you going to use your mother’s maiden name as your surname? I would hate to have to do the family history of these extremists.
LOL, when my wife and I got married, she was so excited to order checks with “our” names. The problem was that she had “Mr. Tom Brechlin” and Mrs’ Tom Brechlin put on them. To say the least, we had to order new checks.
My husband and I made the same decision to both hyphenate our names. This article covers most of the reasons why this was our decision, too. We both are so happy with our choice!
My daughter hated her fiance’s name. After they were married, she wanted to change it back to her maiden name. As her dad, I said no way. She’d consulted with her husband and her husbands family and they were all good with changing it back. I wasn’t, neither was her mom. She even said to me, “everyone else is okay with it except you guys.” And I asked her what her point was? Needless to say, she’s kept her husbands name. She’ll get used to it just like her mom did almost 40 years ago. She’s perfectly happy with her… Read more »
And what was her point?
And I know right. That is why I always ask my black subordinates if they want the honor to get my last name as their last name. Hey, that is so traditional. Owing women and black people, that is such a cool tradition to keep having, even if just symbolic!
Jesus, seriously? I don’t necessarily agree with Tom, but this screeching hyperbole of comparing a woman taking her husband’s name to slavery doesn’t do your argument any favors.
Calm the heck down, or do you think it’s appropriate to kill a mouse with a nuclear bomb too?
So, you managed to raise an independent woman who wanted to follow her own way of doing things, not as a child but as a fully grown and married woman with the full support of her husband, then you pushed her into living her life the way you insisted? Nicely done, Mr. Brechlin. Way to own that girl of yours by breaking her will and replacing it with your own. My dad used to do that to me, too. I got good grades, I didn’t get in trouble, I kept similarly straight-edge company. Still, I wasn’t very girly. I didn’t… Read more »
PS: By the way, I’m straight and discovered my femininity in my late teens. I’m now the kind of woman who gets compliments on my fabulous outfits and perfect makeup. So this isn’t an LGBT thing. Nope, this is about my dad wanting to control choices that belong to me alone, and my decision very early on that I wouldn’t allow it.
Maryann, you know little to nothing about me much less my daughter. As an FYI, my wife and I have been married for almost 40 years. My daughter has now been married for 8 years and she’s given us 2 outstanding grandsons. Her wanting to change back to her maiden name had nothing to do with “I am women, hear me roar” but instead her distaste for her new name. If it was a matter of “who she is,” I may have thought differently but can pretty much say I still wouldn’t have agreed. Actually, you sound more like my… Read more »
Tom, when a woman gets married, shouldn’t choices be made between her and her husband based on what they feel is best for their new family? It doesn’t sound like she liked the tradition. That was a decision for her and her husband to make together for their new family, not you and everyone else (whether they agreed or disagreed) to make based on who everyone else thought their family should be. And for the record, I like the traditionalism of taking your husbands name. But it’s not for everyone. It clearly wasn’t really for your daughter. You kind of… Read more »
Erin, like I said, it had nothing to do with empowerment or equality and everything to do with her not liking her new name. But I’m an old guy who like traditions and thankfully to some, I’m not gonna be around a heck of a lot longer. It’s a big bad man’s world that is slowly fading away. I wonder if this couple gave a rats ass what people thought about her taking on his name? I get the feeling she was happy to take his name. http://www.kmbc.com/news/couple-married-70-years-shares-keys-to-success/27147182 Just as some will fight to push not taking his name, I… Read more »
Tom, does it matter if she wants to keep her name because of empowerment or because she simply wants too? Isn’t that still a choice for her and her husband to make as a couple now?
Your daughter didn’t want to take his name. You made her do it. You didn’t “fight for women who WANT to take his name.”
FYI, I like the tradition myself. I’d take my husband’s name if I had one. But think it’s a choice to be made between a couple. Not a couple and their parents.
Yikes. It couldn’t be less about you. It’s her decision.
I am proud of you both, my friend.