Heather Gray helps you find the middle ground between ignoring your partner’s pain and shouldering the blame.
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For the past several years, “He Said He Was Leaving. She Ignored Him” has been making its viral way through newsfeeds. The author, Laura Munson, spoke of how her husband came home one day and insisted that he wanted to move out because he wasn’t happy with her and didn’t like who she had become.
Her response has inspired many. She ignored him. She gave him space and room to breathe but she didn’t fight with him, didn’t argue with him, and didn’t protest when he became unreliable. She told him “I don’t buy it.” She focused on herself and her resolve, believing that this crisis of his wasn’t about her and she chose not to feed in. He took the space and then returned to their relationship.
When this story first crossed my desk, I printed it for clients in therapy with me. I shared it with colleagues, asking how we can empower clients in this situation to do as she did. I was a fan. She was woman and I heard her roar.
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The story came back around my way a few weeks ago and I was looking forward to re-reading it and sharing it with others. Looking at it a second time, I saw it differently. This time I read it and only one thing came to mind—She got lucky.
That scene, and the way she played it, could have gone so many different ways and most of them aren’t good. What Laura laid out is our daydream—that we can hear our partners personally attack us, be still with ourselves and who we are, choose not to engage and doing so will give our partners the space necessary to see we aren’t the problem after all.
It’s a story that newsfeeds adore but it’s not real life. If our partner tells us s/he is unhappy and we ignore the comment, it’s highly unlikely that they’ll become introspective, do the work themselves, and return to us healed. More likely, ignoring the comments will serve as proof positive that we’re not able to take care of our spouse or that we no longer wish to. Ignoring someone’s pain shows absolutely no commitment to being present for it. That’s not how healing happens in partnerships. Like it or not, these things have to be addressed and discussed.
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However, Laura’s situation is certainly a common one. Whenever someone becomes unhappy, dissatisfied, or stuck, they start to examine their lives. In typical fashion, they scan their jobs, their families, and their activities. Of course their lens is going to shift to their marriages or long-term, committed relationships. After all, the person is right there and it’s easy to blame the person and relationship that has been present for all of this unhappiness.
Laura describes being on the receiving end of that as a “speeding fist, a sucker punch” and that’s exactly what it’s like for people hearing “I don’t love you anymore.” Laura was right not to engage in an argument and not to react defensively and for that, I applaud her.
However, her partner was hurting and she left him on his own. Little conversation, little solace, little insight. Just “I don’t buy it.” Let’s be honest here. If a husband did that and then wrote a blog about it, he’d be crucified, no matter how happy the ending was at the end. A woman makes that choice and she becomes an inspiration.
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There’s a middle ground between ignoring a partner’s distress and rolling over and becoming a doormat, willingly accepting the negative feedback as truth.
The best place to start is with curiosity. That means listening.
If your partner or spouse talks about being unhappy and blames you or the relationship, you’re only going to light the fire if you get defensive, yell, and argue back. The best thing to do is to get more information. Ask questions. How long has this been going on? When did you first realize you’ve been unhappy? What makes you think it’s the marriage or our relationship that is causing this distress? Do you think if we weren’t married or together anymore that you’d be happier? Can you think of what else might be going on that is making you feel this way?
It’s possible to validate without accepting blame.
After listening, reflect back what you’ve heard. Acknowledge the distressful thoughts and feelings and how tough that must be. Saying to your partner “Wow. You’ve been suffering. You’re losing sleep, gaining weight, and are only happy when you’re not at home.” is not the same thing as accepting blame or responsibility for why your partner or spouse is feeling that way. Acknowledging suffering shows respect and is not an acceptance of blame.
Take time away to consider the feedback.
If you react immediately, it is highly likely you’ll say something you’ll ultimately regret. You may actually want to take the blame. After all, if you’re the problem, you can be a part of the solution. That may feel hopeful at first, because it will give you an immediate sense of control over the problem, rather than relying on and hoping that your spouse will come to his/her senses and see you’re not the problem.
By responding right away, you also run the risk of being impulsive and defensive. You’ll walk right into the trap. You’ll go on the attack, listing all of your unmet needs. You’ll make your partner’s unhappiness about you. Maybe you’ll kick your partner out. Maybe you’ll leave yourself. Either way, you’re not giving either of you the time or space needed to see things more clearly. An impulsive response will only serve as “proof” of what your partner has been saying.
Instead, after reflecting back and expressing sympathy for your partner’s struggle, let your partner know that you’re going to think about it and then, do exactly that. Think about what you heard. Examine it for truths and see if there’s any feedback you do need to accept responsibility for.
Return to your partner with boundaries, expectations, and clear intent.
Once you’ve calmed down, go back to your partner, share what you’ve been thinking. If there’s anything you need to own, do so and talk about an amends plan. Then, ask your spouse or partner what they need. Are they looking to move out? What do they need to sort some of this out? Explain, what you think you need to own but also where you think your responsibility ends.
Challenge the perception that the marriage or relationship is to blame. Be clear that you don’t buy in to the idea that the relationship is in crisis or needs to end and if it’s still true, be clear that you want to relationship to continue. It’s not rolling over and playing dead when you tell a distressed partner that s/he is loved and important to you. You can express your love and still have your self-respect. Sure it’s vulnerable but you’re already hurting. Another ding isn’t going to do you in.
Identify your needs and boundaries. State clearly what you are willing to do and what you aren’t willing to do and for how long. Your spouse may not buy in and may move toward divorce or separation procedures anyway.
Sometimes when people want to sabotage their lives and their relationships out of an impulsive response to their own unhappiness or depression, there’s just no stopping them. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Only then will you have the strength for repair work, should the opportunity present itself.
Engaging with your partner’s healing preserves the future or makes for an easier ending.
Here is where Laura and I come together again and are on the same page. She wrote a follow-up piece to her original essay five years after its original release. She writes:
My message never has been about staying in a relationship. It’s about taking care of yourself and stepping outside of emotional suffering to do so. Moment by moment. Thought by thought. Breath by breath. Stepping into the most powerful question I know and that’s: What can I create? You don’t have to suffer, even under fierce rejection. Even when your spouse says, “I don’t love you anymore.” I’m here to tell you — this is the exact time to find the greatest emotional freedom of your life! You don’t have to take that personally! Nor do you have to take “You’re fired” personally. Or “You’re a jerk” or “You didn’t win the prize.” These are just words. I’m not always good at it, but it’s a practice I’m dedicated to because it works. It’s truth. I own what there is to own, set boundaries for myself, and mind my own business. It’s actually easy once we gain the self-awareness that it’s possible to choose our own happiness no matter what’s going on in our lives.
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Finding yourself on the receiving end of your partner’s unhappiness may be unavoidable at some point. Ignoring it is not be the answer but finding yourself and your truth will help you be a participant in your partner’s healing without doing the work for him or her. There’s no guarantee that the relationship can survive that kind of assault but it’s the best insurance policy you’ll get.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
“Finding yourself on the receiving end of your partner’s unhappiness may be unavoidable at some point. Ignoring it is not be the answer but finding yourself and your truth will help you be a participant in your partner’s healing without doing the work for him or her. There’s no guarantee that the relationship can survive that kind of assault but it’s the best insurance policy you’ll get.”
Pure gold, Heather. I’m sending the whole article off to someone now. Don’t know how I missed this in June! Thanks for a great piece!