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He’s in his 30s. She’s 50. He’s fine with it. She has reservations. What do you think?
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My friend Rachel won the genetic lottery. She just celebrated her 50th birthday but could easily pass for 30-something. She is gorgeous, spirited, and when she complains about being out of shape, you want to slap her silly.
A little more than a decade ago Rachel was holidaying in the Caribbean with her then husband. On that trip she met a university student, Trevor, who was “a really nice kid.” They didn’t keep in touch and she hadn’t thought about Trevor in a very long time. That is until now.
Out of the blue Rachel gets an email from Trevor. He had tracked her down through his clever cyber-sleuthing. He is now in his early 30’s, no longer a kid, and had never stopped thinking about her.
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Stunned, Rachel wrote back a tentative email. But one email led to the next and to the next, and before too long their correspondence became emotionally and sexually intense.
Trevor wants to take this somewhere. Rachel is freaking out, vacillating between hot and cold. “I could handle a 10 year age difference, but I’m practically his mother’s age”, she fretted to me. “I would feel so self conscious being with him—about my increasingly flabby body, about my dated mannerisms, about other people’s opinions of us. ”
It has long been acceptable for older men to date younger women but as women are quickly outpacing men in both education and career trajectories the reverse is happening more.
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Rachel has been burned before over the age difference. A few months ago, she met a guy at a party who was flirting shamelessly with her. Turns out they graduated from the same university but he assumed by looking at her, “I must have graduated long before you hah hah hah.” Rachel said “probably not” and told him the year she graduated which was five years before him. As she put it, “his whole face changed and he couldn’t scamper away fast enough.”
Getting back to Trevor, Rachel would be with him in a heartbeat if he were closer to her age. But she feels that at 50 she doesn’t have a whole lot of time to waste investing in a guy who should have his head examined for coveting a woman as old as her. She feels she should “put a dead stop to this nonsense, but then again….”
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I empathize with Rachel’s concerns. We are about the same age, and I’m sure I would feel the same if I were in her shoes. I want to be helpful to my pal so have thought through some questions I think she should consider.
Rachel is not lying about her age. She is putting big neon lights around the number “50” so Trevor is well aware of how old she is. While it might be the case that men look for young fertile women (it’s an anthropological thing) and women look for older men who can provide for them and their chickadees (ditto), there is an exception to every rule. It has long been acceptable for older men to date younger women (and a 20 year age gap doesn’t raise that many eyebrows) but as women are quickly outpacing men in both education and career trajectories the reverse is happening more.
What is the risk?
Rachel doesn’t want to waste her time investing in someone who may not pan out, especially in the long-term. While Trevor may find her “sexy” now as a very hot 50 year old, will he feel the same when she is 70? And would he be prepared to play a “caregiver” role? I wonder if the risk of relationship carnage is less with a younger man? The death knell of many relationships is people become more and more complacent over time. Given Rachel’s insecurities, my guess is that she will try very hard not to let herself go, and to remain vibrant and interesting—and not take Trevor for granted. Who knows what will happen in 20 years? Every relationship evolves, needs to evolve, and a whole bunch of stuff renegotiated. Plus (spoiler alert) being with an older guy doesn’t guarantee long-term success.
Is there a perception problem?
Rachel sees herself one way and Trevor sees her another way. Rachel is shying away from the relationship because she perceives herself as “old”, “flabby”, “dated” so not worthy of Trevor’s attention. But what if Rachel re-framed her image of herself, and appreciated the qualities that Trevor sees in her—beauty, vivaciousness, and substance (that comes with a few extra years). Women are their own worst and harshest critics. But there are great role models we should emulate more. Women who “own” their age—septuagenarian actor Helen Mirren is a great example—are ageless because they remain so darn interesting.
Are you an older woman with experience dating a younger partner? Or, a younger man who has dated a much older woman? Rachel’s looking for some advice!
Find us on our Relationships Facebook page where we talk all things love 24/7
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Originally published: The Relationship Deal
Image: Getty
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I’m 46, he 31. We’ve been together for 2 extraordinarily happy years! I’ve known him since he was a kid. His mom is one of my best friends. I’ve always been proud of her son, he’s always been a responsible guy, he even baby sat my kids. I had him and girlfriend over, which turned into his wife. They have since divorced. I received a txt from him, he came over, and when I saw him, I could not believe it, there he was, a grown man. We talked for hours about the 8 years had gone by. He has… Read more »
I am 37 and in a relationship with a 29 years old guy.It bothers me that his family wont accept me at all already his bother is negative towards our relationship. He says he loves me and plans to spend his life with me,we both childless and plan to have a kid once his is financially stable.
As far as you don’t want to have kids, it is totally fine.
I am dating a girl 3 years older than me, being her 34, and I did wonder about having kids in the future. Otherwise, enjoy with who makes you happy. You can ever die at 50, 70 or 90. So who knows.
I’m almost 69 and single. My sexual fantasies are as strong and varied as when I was in my twenties. And no, I don’t fantasize about fat-necked old men – I like them young.
But did society ever care about the true sexual feelings of women my age?
Our late forties and fifties is a time of transition in our lives (especially for women?). Even in a stable, long-term relationship, the kids move out, changing our focus, our activities, and our interests; physical changes happen (inside, even if we preserve the outside well enough); and emotional changes occur for both men and women. These are a part of life that happens in our 50’s whether we like it or not. Having known a deep love relationship for a few years with a man 20 years younger than I when I was around 50, I know the beauty, joy,… Read more »
I just turned 44. My husband of 2 yes is 26. We’ve been together for almost 5 years now. This relationship started as just a “for fun” thing. But things quickly got serious. Within 6 mos of our first date, he met my 7 yr old daughter, and we got an apartment together. We both thought long and hard about our future. He has become a great daddy to my daughter and treats her the same as our son. Never has he ever doubted where our life together was going, I on the other hand took almost a year after… Read more »
I’m a 46 year old single dad, my girlfriend is 26. We’ll have been together a year next month and are looking to move in together and get married. I wasn’t sure about the age difference, why would she want to be with an old guy? But the age thing rarely comes up, other than me referencing something she doesn’t know. I don’t think of her as 26 and she doesn’t think of me as 46, we just love the person. I haven’t heard any comments from people (although I’m sure people have their opinions), and it doesn’t really matter… Read more »
I’m 34, and my husband is 50. We’re a perfect match in every possible way, except that he likes nickelback and I can’t stand them. 😉
It isn’t the age gap, or lack thereof, that defines a relationship. It’s personality.
I was in a live-in relationship with a man 11 years my junior. It was fun while it lasted, but inevitably, he wanted children of his own and a significant other who could bear them. That pretty much left me out in the cold. From everything that I have read, couples who stay together tend to be very close in age, so I guess it depends on what you want. If Rachel wants something long-term — as in, for life — she needs to go into this with her eyes open. Age gaps cause a lot of problems, once the… Read more »
my ex husband married a woman 20 years younger than him. They have a new baby now. He’s 57. I’ve always known he likes younger women I was 9 years younger than him. i joke that if I met him now instead of when I was 26 I’d be too old for him. I have no real feelings about his relationship with a woman 20 years younger than him BUT when I think about it I wonder what their future is going to be like she will be 60 he will be 80. 60 year old women are very young… Read more »
I’m 50 years old now and have been in a relationship with a man 22 years younger than myself for nearly 6 years. We have been living together now for 5 years. He is what I call an old soul, as he is well beyond his years. As unconventional as it may be, we are great together, we are both extremely happy. His family and friends have been extremely accepting of me from the start. Mine have had a little more difficulty, but they have certainly come around. I have know another couple with a very similar age difference and… Read more »
I’m 55 years old. For about two years I had an on again off again casual sexual relationship with a man almost 30 years younger than me. It wasn’t always perfect. No relationship is. But it was amazing. I haven’t seen him for about 8 months now. I miss him. I’m fairly certain our paths will cross again but I don’t know if we will ever be as intimate as we once were. So be it. I don’t regret any of it for one instant. Age becomes a problem when you let it. Other things become problems when you let… Read more »
I say go for it. I am about to turn 50, and between the ages of 45 and 48 had a coworker 17 years my junior flirt hard with me, and if I had allowed it, there probably would have been a relationship, but I felt that the age difference was too great, he was still a boy, and he was a coworker. So, what happened there? He hooked up with someone else on our team, someone even older than I am, and they’ve now been together for almost 3 years. In fact, their relationship has long outlasted all the… Read more »
if you fight for you limitations, you get to keep them. The question is: Why not?
Anything can keep a relationship from working out and age is just one of them. I know of couples where it worked out.
It could be an incredibly healing experience. Go for it 🙂
I’m 32 and I met a 23 year old guy on Tinder on 1 Jan this year. We started dating after 3 continuous days of conversation and have been dating for 4 months now. It has been the best time of my life, and we are serious about one another. I don’t see why this can’t work out. Despite being young, he has been nothing but reliable, responsible, and trustworthy so far. We have spoken of long term plans, and I know he’s in it as much as I am, and we are both aware of the changes that will… Read more »
I think she should go for it! Life is too short to focus on all the reasons we are afraid of putting ourselves out there, especially when the potential of something amazing happening is so great. As little as I know about this guy, he couldn’t get her out of this head for years and tracked her down when they were both single and he had a little more life experience under his belt – now that is something. The tentative email that once was, could be become a tentative date, and they could see how things go, and she… Read more »
So true, my current guy knew me 7 years ago and struck an online conversation with me for the very same reason.
I’m currently seeing a younger man, with an almost 20 year age span for just over a year. We date on and off since he also lives three hours away from me, but I enjoy his company immensely. He’s articulate, funny, sensitive and we have a lot in common which makes for a great foundation for a relationship. He does want a family and I don’t so I know that his relationship has an expiry date attached to it. However, I am not going to let that interfere with getting to know an exceptional human being or learning more about… Read more »
I think it’s more about being able to relate than anything physical. The conversations I’ve had with younger guys on dates are kind of limited due to their lack of experiential overlap. I can also see the issue about relating to his friends since they are younger as well. Even if the guy you’re dating is years ahead of his time, his friends may not be and that can be awkward. There are exceptions, of course. I think she should focus on if they get along emotionally, socially and ignore any physical misgivings.
It depends on the topics you both talk about too, doesn’t it? My 23 year old man is 9 years younger than I am, only starting college this fall, and we both have plenty to talk about. He accepts that he has yet to experience a lot of things that I have, and I accept that he might not understand certain things I am experiencing. But that doesn’t stop us from talking about our individual experiences and wanting to share with one another the lives we lead. I am excited for him to begin college, internships, etc. And he acknowledges… Read more »
I just broke off a relationship with a younger man. I’m 43 and he’s 32. We lived together for a year and a half. I kept trying to ignore my feelings about our 11 year age gap, but finally, it did me in. When it was just us two together, everything felt fine. However, his friends were younger than he. I felt like an old woman hanging out with a bunch of little boys.
Rachel should enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Only hoping she won’t change. Even if it’s to make her a better woman for having tried. At least it will be a motivator to take care of herself.