An open letter to any woman in America who doesn’t care about the Super Bowl.
Dear small handful of women who don’t care about the Super Bowl:
Hi. My name is Greg. I’m a long time football fan who will be watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, Feb. 2nd. In fact, I will be among the millions (OK, billions) of men who will watch the game. Actually, we’ll (nearly all the men in this country) take in the entire spectacle. The pre-games, the twenty or so mini documentaries on linebackers who kicked drug addiction, a defensive tackle who just learned how to read at age 29, and burnt out coaches who have no idea how they even got to the Super Bowl. We’ll watch the players shake hands in the middle of the field, an American Idol alum sing the National Anthem, and then the commercials for the next hopeful summer blockbuster. We’ll watch a halftime show that will last a bit too long…and we’ll even manage to watch the game in the midst of all that other shit. Not to mention, we’ll blow any health regimen we have and eat obscenely sized meatball subs and chicken wings drenched in stomach wrenching hot sauce.
And we’ll love every minute of it.
Why?
Here is my explanation. The Super Bowl to many men is (to you) like a combination of your favorite Lifetime Channel movie, a sweeps week episode of Scandal, a very special episode of The Real Housewives Of…, a gift card to your favorite spa, and a Chris Hemsworth screensaver. Yup. Friggin’ sweet. What I just described was a cosmic mix of estrogen magic. The Super Bowl is testosterone Heaven. The one day where we (nearly every man in the country) can eat too much, drink a ton, spout cringe worthy, politically incorrect crap, and primal scream at the television . OK, I do all of that stuff every time I watch a Cleveland Browns game, but I digress. My point is, it’s the one day the stars align, and men can indulge their inner frat boy.
Now, ladies. Don’t feel bad that there are women who love Super Bowls. Even though those women are really fucking cool, are great to have around, and are many men’s dream. You, Super Bowl-averse-lady, are cool in your own way. And, us men that are involved with you will make it up to you in some way, shape or form. We’ll take you to that art exhibit, we’ll go see that new chick-flick, and we’ll go see Lana Del Ray (and even post that nugget of info on Facebook).
But, on Super Bowl Sunday? You ladies are more than welcome to catch up on Orange Is The New Black on Netflix.
Or Downton Abbey on Hulu.
Thank you for your time,
Greg “I Live For Super Bowl Sunday, but secretly cry because the Cleveland Browns will never get there” Simms Jr.
—Photo Bjorn Hanson/Flickr
Im thinking some people forgot to laugh while reading this. My wife and I didn’t. Go Vikings, oops, its been a while. 🙂
I get the sense that this article was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but it’s hard to tell sometimes. Of course, being published in the “humor” section helped.
I wish this article had been written in somewhat of a more gender-neutral way. As a girl who grew up bleeding black and gold, I hate feeling marginalized for my love of sports — and I know guys for whom the extract reverse is true as well. Wouldn’t this article have been able to achieve the same purpose by discussing *people* who love football versus *people* who are uninterested, without perpetuating the genderization of sports?
What was this article supposed to achieve? It just stereotypes both men and women to the EXTREME. I find football culture problematic for many reasons… The glorification of macho masculinity, the defense (by some) of rapists/criminals because the game is more important, the severe lack of female involvement other than as a sideline decoration to cheer for the players. My boyfriend absolutely loves football and that’s fine, we both have interests that the other may not. But this article seems to just say “All men love football and ladies would understand if it had estrogen! So get over it!” For… Read more »