A post-review of TLC’s My Husband’s Not Gay
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Last week I defended TLC’s right to air the show My Husband’s Not Gay, and I stand by my words. Namely, sexuality is complicated and fluid, and at least we’re having a conversation about being “same sex attracted” and married. While those are true, the show clearly exhibited that we still have a long way to go to address religious homophobic bigotry. I suspect that ten years from now, watching this show will be as uncomfortable as watching an episode of All in the Family now.
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An attractive guy didn’t go unnoticed, as we traveled the country speaking our message of freedom from this “same-sex attraction.”
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While watching My Husband’s Not Gay, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking back to the conversations we had in the Love in Action offices when I worked in the ex-gay ministry. The off-color and sometimes sexually suggestive jokes we had amongst our ministry staff were much more telling than we allowed ourselves to admit. An attractive guy didn’t go unnoticed, as we traveled the country speaking our message of freedom from this “same-sex attraction.”
Like these guys, who, by the way, are involved in the Mormon version of pseudo ex-gay ministry, NorthStar International, we made a distinction between our “godly lifestyle” and the “gay lifestyle.” Godly meant patriarchal marriages, children, prayer, Bible reading and church. Gay meant sex, sex, sex. You know, like ALL gay people do all day long.
We, too, chose our words carefully when discussing our “same sex attractions.” It was impossible for us to be gay because we were Christians. Being gay was simply unacceptable to God. To prove we weren’t gay, we didn’t have gay sex. If we had gay sex, then we would be gay because that’s what gay people do. They are incapable of love. The Bible says so.
After several of us ex-gays married, we talked in the office about sex with our wives. Sometimes we giggled like schoolboys, and all but admitted there were certain things we weren’t about to do. Sex was usually awkward. Nevertheless, we were fulfilling our mission to live our godly, straight lives. We believed things would just continue to get better.
The show did a fabulous job (and I hope fabulous isn’t too gay of a term) of representing homophobic religious bigotry in all its glory, poignantly highlighting the religious stereotypes of what men do – play basketball, perform sex and choose their wives, and what women do – giddily proclaim, “he chose me!” have babies, and go on hikes with their girlfriends. One wife said of the men that it was “healing to have good non-sexual relationships with guys that they can just go and be guys with.”
(For the record, we gay people have non-sexual relationships with the guys we hang out with, too.)
A mixed orientation marriage is never a “normal” marriage.
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A mixed orientation marriage is never a “normal” marriage. If one of the partners is straight and the other partner gay, unable to be sexually and romantically attracted to the straight partner, there is an added layer that is very difficult to overcome. On one level, a mixed orientation marriage is like everyone else’s marriage. Living with someone in the same house and sleeping in the same bed is difficult. Finances, child-rearing, and home responsibilities can put a strain on any relationship. But, no matter what they say, same sex attraction is almost always in the forefront of their minds.
In fact, at the point that one of the husbands told his wife he was going to go on a camping trip with a few men, the fear in her eyes, along with the barrage of questioning made it quite clear she was concerned. He acknowledged that when some men had stayed at their house in the past, something inappropriate happened. The viewers were left to figure out what that meant. Once trust has been broken in a marriage where one is gay, it is difficult to get back. Unless the straight partner has buried his or her head in the sand, the suspicion always remains.
On that note, I found it ironic that the men told their friend, whom they’d set up on a blind date, to not tell his date of his attractions to men. “No way I would tell her on my first date,” one of them said. Is this the Christian honesty they are supporting by lying to potential mates about being gay?
The act of lying about sexual identity and dating a woman until she’s emotionally involved with a man before he tells her he’s gay is manipulative.
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Herein lies the main problem with homophobic bigotry from religious organizations. The ideology becomes the Holy Grail. One lie serves to protect God and faith from another lie. The act of lying about sexual identity and dating a woman until she’s emotionally involved with a man before he tells her he’s gay is manipulative. It’s what most of the men did on the show, and then turned around and told their friend to keep that information from her on the first date.
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I recently interviewed John Paulk for an upcoming documentary. He shared his experience on the Oprah Winfrey Show when Oprah asked him if he was still attracted to men. “No,” he said, “I’m no longer attracted to men.” The audience laughed. Paulk went on to share that in hindsight they laughed because they knew he was lying. He was unprepared to face his own homosexuality and, in fact, proclaimed he had been changed for nearly 20 more years.
For most sane, reasoning people, the show was an obvious farce. Exchanges between spouses and friends felt awkward. We easily read between the lines, though we may have respected their desire to honor their faith. For those trapped in conservative religious ideology, the show offered an “alternative to an alternative lifestyle,” as one of the men said. It held out false hope to people who believe that their Bible tells them there is something wrong with them and they are broken.
So, yes, I’m glad the show aired. I’m glad the conversation is being had and I know there are many people who could identify with the struggle these couples experience. While I believe in every person’s right to choose the way he or she wants to live, it is evident that the choices are still highly influenced by homophobic bigotry. Conservative religious people have been sold a bill of goods, that homosexuality is a single lifestyle, it is unnatural, and that people cannot live happy, fulfilled lives, even having a relationship with God. That’s the part that still needs to change.
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Photo – TLC
I met a woman years ago who was a lesbian and felt that acting out on her SSA was morally wrong based on her interpretation of the Bible. She chose to live a celibate life and told me that she would never marry. After all, what would be the point of trying to fake a marriage? She felt it would be unfair both to her and her husband. She said this was her cross to bear and she was willing to carry it. She devoted her spare time to working with the children in her church yet no one in… Read more »
Tim, I read your other article, Why this LGBT Advocate Supports TLC’s “My Husband’s Not Gay.” I’m not clear where your response is: do you think this show is beneficial to our cultural discussion, or harmful? I feel the tone between that article and this one is contrasting, and ask for your clarification. I have yet to meet the Dahlgrens or the Bennions face-to-face, but I’ve talked a lot with Megan (on the right in the picture) and Tanya. Yes, I’m LDS (Mormon), and I’ve been involved with North Star and similar organizations. I’ve been involved for over 15 years,… Read more »
Thank you for your comments, Jonathan. In both articles I stated that sexuality is complicated and fluid. I don’t think we HAVE to put people into neat categories and, in fact, I think it’s beneficial if we get used to the idea that we don’t all fit into neat categories. While watching the show, however, I became increasingly uncomfortable with one thing: the religious homophobic bigotry that *I felt* drove these men to marry women. While I was defending the right to NOT label and categorize, these men were clearly labeling and categorizing gender stereotypes and CLEARLY felt they needed… Read more »
I met a woman years ago who was a lesbian and felt that acting out her her SSA was morally wrong based on her interpretation of the Bible. She chose to live a celibate life and told me that she would never marry. After all, what would be the point of trying to fake a marriage? She felt it would be unfair both to her and her husband. She said this was her cross to bear and she was willing to carry it. She devoted her spare time to working with the children in her church yet no one in… Read more »
And of course nobody is addressing the possibility that some of these guys are bisexual, because some men have feelings for more than one gender. But its the male on male connection that gets all of the attention because its sinful. But I don’t care what they call themselves, or don’t, people are free to make themselves miserable and unfulfilled. Happy people accept all of their experiences and feelings and are not slaves to ideologies that tell them they are broken and need to go counter to their desires in order to be saved. Well truth sets us free. If… Read more »
I was going to say the same thing about some of these guys possibly being bisexual. For some reason, many people seem to think men can only be 100% straight or 100% gay. That men can’t possibly be bisexual. For the most part, society has accepted the fact that some women are bisexual, but for some reason it hasn’t really accepted the fact that many men are also bisexual.
Excellent article.
He’s not gay because he doesn’t’ identify as such. End of story. It’s up too him, If he choose to identify as straight then he does. He thinks he can;t be a homosexual then he is not. When he decides it’s ok, then he could change he’s mind. I agree; he appears stereotypically gay. He confronted his feelings and aren’t dealing with them. Obviously they think its wrong to act on them, but not ok to have them- let it be. It is arrogant to mock them when they think what they think they have a right to be mormon… Read more »
Attraction is not a choice and attraction is what defines a person’s sexually orientation. How hard is that to understand? Very, apparently.