It is never too late for a “reset”, and doing so may just save the rest of your life…
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Exactly four years ago, in May 2011, I was attending my daughter’s graduation from Syracuse University. While I didn’t know it at the time, despite the celebratory mood, I was slowly dying. Sure, I knew my marriage of 26 years had lost any semblance of intimacy and connection years ago. I was uninspired by my career, the same one that allowed us to have a comfortable lifestyle and send our daughter to such a great school. And, worst of all, I felt as if I were in prison. One from which I desperately needed to escape but had no clue on how to make it happen. Little did I know that just four months later in September of 2011, everything, I mean *everything* would change. In fact, if someone had told me back then that I would be living the life I am now, I would have seriously questioned their sanity or their choice of recreational drugs.
Jail Break
Early in September 2011 I was contacted by a young woman who wanted advice on how to grow her business –a business about which I happened to author a book, one of the first of its kind. We agreed to meet at an outdoor café on the beach. I still remember that beautiful day. Palm trees swaying in the light, balmy breezes. People all around us enjoying the warm sunshine as the last days of summer put their best foot forward. For me, it was just another day in paradise “prison”. For this young woman, our meeting was intended to re-ignite her business. By the time that fateful meeting ended, both of our lives were set on a path that no one could have predicted. One that would not only rock my world, but that of everyone close to me.
I somehow knew, that if I asked this next question I would be stepping over a threshold for which there is no turning back.
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Once she diligently explained what she did in her business it became clear to me that this was not her passion. It was merely a way to make money in preparation for what she really was here to do with her life. So after listening quietly and intently, I asked her “What are you really passionate about, because this business is clearly not it?” For which she responded “Helping people go through life transformation.” Hmmmm.
After hearing some of the notable people she helped that way, a powerful impulse came over me. And the funny thing is, I somehow knew, that if I asked this next question I would be stepping over a threshold for which there is no turning back. So, at that point, I said to her “You know, I’ve been thinking about this thing I call ‘Life 3.0’ but I don’t know how to move forward with it. Would you be willing to coach me in this transition?” At first she was taken aback and didn’t quite know how to respond. Then a look of thoughtful determination came over her face and she simply said “Yes.”
“Can’t you see?! He’s mentally ill!!!”
I still find it utterly amazing just how fast things happened once I decided to pull the trigger on my life “reset” (i.e. Life 3.0). Within two weeks of that meeting on the beach, I left my wife. Her first thoughts of course were that I ran off with this young “floosy” which was far from the case. This young coach was simply a catalyst and support I desperately needed to help me through the scariest transition of my life.
A couple weeks after that I moved out of my home into an apartment. Then, I started winding down my international technology speaking career which I had built up over 18 years. I remember making “the call” to our adult children. Interestingly, when told of the impending divorce, our oldest daughter laughed and said “What took you so long Dad?” My son, who was just entering his 2nd year in college was more deeply affected however. Nevertheless, they both took it in stride, unlike my wife and her friends, all of whom could not believe how fast I made everything happen once I made the choice.
Despite the fact that I had just walked away from just about everything (giving my wife our house in the process) and jumping headfirst into the abyss of not knowing what was next, I literally felt giddy. Free, unbelievably and deliciously free for the first time in my life. It was incredibly intoxicating and totally perplexing to those that thought they knew me. They just couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel a sense of deep loss with the ending of my marriage, the dissolution of my lucrative career and giving up a good chunk of my hard-earned wealth.
The people that knew me for decades could barely recognize me.
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My new found sense of freedom and unlimited (if yet unknown) possibilities was reflected in my behavior. The people that knew me for decades could barely recognize me. Not only did my physical appearance change dramatically, but my true sense of who I was, with my heart fully and completely open and vulnerable began to shine through for the first time since I was maybe 2 years old. Many had thought I had just gone off the deep end. In fact, once during divorce settlement negotiations, my wife burst out in tears imploring to the Mediator “Can’t you see?! He’s mentally ill!!” To which the Mediator gently replied that it was time to let me go. Wise man.
The “Big C” Comes a Knocking
Two months after all that drama, I get an urgent call from my Urologist. A normally jovial man always ready with a good, often off-color, joke. His tone was anything but lighthearted on the phone this time. He said “You need to get in here… now.” Turns out my latest PSA test concerned him greatly. Apparently my PSA took a sudden jump and that is usually not a good sign. Shortly afterwards I had a biopsy which indicated prostate cancer. To the doctors it appeared mild and they said I had months to consider my treatment options. However, I knew better.
In my family, getting cancer typically means you are going to die and die badly (I’m hoping to break that trend). Five other members of my immediate family all perished horribly from various forms of cancer. So about five minutes after hearing the “encouraging” biopsy results I simply told my doctors to “Take it out now.” And 45 days later I had my prostrate surgically removed. The post-surgery tissue study confirmed that my cancer was anything but mild and if I had waited, you probably wouldn’t be reading this right now.
As wonderful a job the surgeons did, they didn’t get it all. So I had to go through seven weeks of intensive daily radiation therapy which did little to kill the lingering cancer, but I suspect added appreciatively to my clinical impotence. After being faithful to the last 11 years of sexless marriage I then found myself unable to get it up for anyone new I might meet. That little turn of affairs certainly added a bit of a twist to my life.
Fast-forward two years after the start of my “reset” (January 2014). I find myself now with two forms of cancer (prostate and chronic lymphocytic Leukemia), I am fully impotent and have no income to speak of as my SEP IRA continues hemorrhaging cash to the point I think I’m may go broke sooner rather than later. The word “exciting” doesn’t quite capture the full flavor of what I was experiencing back then.
The Most Fulfilling Life I Could Have Imagined
As bleak as everything seemed (I averaged four hours of sleep a night for months during this period, all due to stress) there were signs that things were changing. One year after that fateful September day I met the woman who has become the love of my life. We have a relationship that can only be described as extraordinary in every sense of the word (partly because of my impotence, not despite it – but that’s another story).
As of this date (May 2015) I have just competed the best speech of my life at a TEDx conference. I have wonderful friends who support and appreciate how I now show up. I’m in the best physical shape of my life (despite the cancers). I am earning good money consulting to a startup firm and working on my first patent. My speaking and writing business is being re-launched (though on a very different topic than before) to hopefully make a huge difference in peoples’ lives and I’m sleeping quite well despite all the uncertainty that still surrounds my physical and financial health. Frankly, I would not trade the life I have now for any previous time –period.
Take a look at the guy on the left one more time. You don’t have to look too closely to see his light was fading fast. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t moved forward with my “reset”, I would be dead now. Or worse, miserable and hoping to die sooner rather than later. The guy on the right is who I am now, or more accurately, who I always was but finally allowed to fully immerge.
Pulling off a full “reset” in one’s life is not for the faint of heart. It is fraught with uncertainty at every level. Chances are good you will lose most of your “friends” as I did. And at times you will question your sanity and wonder “What the fuck did I just do!?!”
Resets are not for everyone, very few actually. And if you do select this rather unique way to shift your life, make sure you have a support system in place that will guide you through the rough patches. This was by far the biggest, hairiest, wildest and most exhilarating thing I have ever done and I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world. And, it also just happened to save my life.
It was interesting read. I had a similar experience but I took my vows before God my family and our five children seriously and asked my hubby if he needed a reset too. We are about two years in and I would say we are more deeply in love than ever before. We are laughing and really plugging in to what drives us. We focus on What fulfills us. We make more time for friends and hobbies. It is a bit slower because we wanted to make sure we had new jobs before leaving the old one and getting back… Read more »
Hi Michael, such a great piece – many thanks for sharing with us. Somehow with only 4 comments I feel this article has not quite gotten the attention on GMP it deserves. It could very well be that readership is in the 1000s and others, much like myself, are left simply speechless. 😉 I’ve come back to this article many times as it continues to inspire me as I undertake my own transformation and change direction on my journey. Often when revisiting, I feel a desire to share your story with the love of my life… Yet I hesitate time… Read more »
Proud to be your friend Michael.
Likewise Brother…
So profound…and badass!! Yes, cancer makes you face what is the most scariest in your life…all the other little piddly stuff just doesn’t matter anymore….it does change you….I don’t hold back stuff like I used to…after a certain point, you become fearless….
Excellent from beginning to end! Thanks for being brave enuf to share honestly.