Bettina Goodwin reflects on her experiences of being bullied and how a new perspective transformed her life completely.
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There were many times in my life when I was bullied. I could go into the details of them all, but that would put me back into a place I don’t need to go to anymore.
But if I close my eyes I can recall one particular incident as if it was yesterday, even though it happened almost 50 years ago.
I was standing in the schoolyard facing, on the other side of an invisible line, a group of my classmates, taunting me, calling me names, centering me out and not in a nice way. The tears were streaming down my face. I felt alone, vulnerable, helpless against the attack. I believed every negative thing they were saying to me.
I was a victim of bullying that day and I think it was then that I resigned myself to the fact that it was my lot in life from that day on.
My identity became “victim”—and every bit of my energy sent that message out to the world.
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My identity became “victim”—and every bit of my energy sent that message out to the world. The bullying continued, even after changing schools, getting a job and getting married. The pattern continued throughout my life in various fashions, including the men with whom I was in relationships.
I became angry, miserable, self-pitying and even self-righteous. My performance in the role of victim was worthy of an Oscar as it permeated every cell of my body. I wanted restitution for all the crimes of bullying that were committed against me. I wanted to gain allies through pity and sympathy. I even looked for someone to protect me. But there was no one. And I continued to be miserable.
My life was a horrible manifestation of this cloak of victimhood I had donned.
Finally I’d had enough. The burden of victim was too heavy to carry day after day. I began to look for a way out, something that would free me from the bullies of the world. I wanted to be able to stand up for myself and say, “No more!”
That’s when I discovered a truth that surprised me more than anything else I’d ever learned.
I had created the experience of being bullied myself. I had invited it into my life!
I had lived the life of victim so completely that I had attracted every bully that had ever crossed my path. They could feel the energy of victim in me like an animal senses fear in their prey. They knew they could project their anger at me because I was no threat. I would cower and cry; I would back away and cringe.
What an awakening it was to discover this about myself. I was ashamed that I had given myself such an undesirable experience of life. But I began to look within my own belief system with more awareness than I had ever had before to discover how I had accepted this identity and how I had agreed to each bully/victim exchange I’d ever encountered.
I began to change my perception of myself. I forgave myself for believing I didn’t deserve to be treated any better and I began to present myself to the world in a whole new way, with energy that said I was strong, self-confident and empowered.
The most interesting part of it all was that the moment I changed my perception of myself the bullying stopped. I felt free. But I also felt something unexpected: compassion for myself.
They were no different than me. They just expressed their pain differently than me…
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I also felt compassion for the bullies. From this space of greater awareness I could see—quite clearly—that those bullies from my past (and actually all bullies) were in just as much turmoil as I had been. They were no different than me. They just expressed their pain differently than me, by projecting it.
It was then that I realized what a great gift those bullies had been in helping me to find my self-love, self-worth and become empowered.
What I also learned was that we are all, at any given moment, doing one of two things—looking for love or giving love. And since you can’t give what you don’t have, I decided I wanted to spend more of my time giving love—to everyone—without judgment.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy. In fact, sometimes it pretty difficult because there are people out there who make it hard to love them. In fact, I would guess that I am sometimes one of them. But it doesn’t mean they are not lovable. It just means I need to dig a little deeper within myself to find love for myself and for them. It’s the only way I can live now that I understand. It’s what I try to choose for myself as much as possible.
The gift of being bullied brought me back to myself, taught me how to love and showed me the way to compassion. It was not a life sentence but a key to releasing myself from my own prison and I will forever be grateful for the experience even if it didn’t feel good at the time.
To everyone who has been a victim of bullying, I am here to tell you there is a way out.
And to every bully, I am here to tell you there is a way out.
That way is love—for yourself.
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What a victim-blaming crock of drivel.
Bravo!! I cannot wait to share this with some of my youth clients!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom Bettina! 🙂
You’re so welcome Sheri. I’m happy if it helps someone else.