After a tough breakup, Tim Bell decided on three relationship rules that got him a lot more of what he did want, and less of what he wanted to avoid.
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A few weeks ago, after I finished lamenting a recent breakup, my roommate Nora posed a question to me that I had never thought to ask myself. Why was I dating?
Her question floored me because a.) I didn’t even know that was a question you could ask yourself and b.) I did not have a good answer. I had gone through a difficult break-up with my live-in girlfriend in January and then rushed through a string of semi-serious mini relationships that all seemed to end the same way; me telling a perfectly nice, attractive girl that I was not ready for a relationship yet and her wondering why when things had been so good up to that point.
The trouble was I didn’t WANT a relationship. And I didn’t know how to communicate that.
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They were right to wonder. They were all fantastic potential partners and nothing ever actually went “wrong” in the traditional sense. The trouble was I didn’t WANT a relationship. And I didn’t know how to communicate that.
I would meet someone and let it get far too serious before finally coming clean and about where I was and what I wanted. The result was heartbreak on their end, guilt on mine, and weeks beating myself up and trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me and why I couldn’t commit.
The question forced me to examine what exactly I was after and if my actions were accurately representing that. And I realized they were not. I did not want a new girlfriend, I wanted to spend some time rubbing my fun parts against some other people’s fun parts without a long-term commitment. Since making that realization, I have come up with personal rules that have led to me getting what I really want with much more frequency and significantly less stress.
- Accepting my sexuality.
I like sex. I REALLY like it. So do a lot of people. It’s fun, it’s pleasurable, and it has been scientifically proven to be pretty goddamn good for you. But I came out of a religious tradition that discourages sex before marriage and, though I left that part of my life behind, I still sometimes experience the guilt associated with abstinence-based belief systems. Part of that has been dealing with my program-based thinking of sex as something that could only work if I knew my partner on a deeply intimate level.
Speaking as a person who was very sexually satisfied in a long-term relationship, intimate sex with someone you have a deep and lasting connection to is beautiful and rewarding and pretty fucking awesome. But sometimes I just want to get down with another warm body and be home on time to order some Chicken Korma and catch up on Game of Thrones. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.
- Putting my intentions out there early and often.
Shakespeare was REALLY good at communicating feelings through words. The vast majority of us are REALLY not. We don’t speak feelings. We feel them. It’s in the goddamn name. But what I’ve been learning is that I CAN communicate my intentions and desires, which bodes well for some boning. This is a big one so I’ve broken it down into 3 categories.
I don’t need each partner to fill out a questionnaire, but I make sure to ask about STD tests and the birth control situation.
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First, I eliminate the ambiguity. I do not ask women I’m interested in to “hang out”. I ask them on dates. I have lots of girl friends who I hang out with all the time. But if I am looking to put my face against someone else’s face at the end of the night then I make sure they know the option is on the table. Don’t get me wrong, I have been in situations where a platonic hang out with a single friend turns into an opportunity for sexy time. But I try not to let that be my intent when I ask someone to do something as friends.
Second, I let women know what I am looking for before any no pants dancing occurs. My loose rule is that I tell them by the second date that if we are going to see each other a.) I am not looking for a relationship and b.) I will be seeing other people. Some women are absolutely okay with that, and some women are absolutely not. Either way it ensures that all parties involved are on the same page.
Third, I talk about sex and STD’s. You know what you see a lot of in movies and television? Hot, heavy, bodacious bodies grinding it out in well-lit and tastefully decorated interiors. You know what we don’t see a lot of? People asking about past sexual partners, their most recent STD tests, and where the condoms are hidden (pro tip: if you bring up condoms early then you can have them sitting on the night stand rather than stumbling naked to the sock drawer right when you’re getting to the best part!) I don’t need each partner to fill out a questionnaire, but I make sure to ask about STD tests and the birth control situation. I am a broke artist. Kids and antibiotics? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
- Not taking rejection personally.
Rejection sucks. Pop culture tells us that. Who controls pop culture? I don’t know, possibly someone does but I don’t have the energy to find out who they are. I certainly thought it sucked for a long time until I realized that, oh wait, rejection is just someone else having the courage to say that I’m not what they are looking for right now and that they are not going to waste my time or let me waste theirs.
Every rejection is a crossroads: We can choose to walk down the path of hurt or the path of appreciation.
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A few weeks ago I bumped into an old friend at a local coffee shop and I found myself very attracted to her. Later I reached out to see if she would be interested in a causal but sexy meet up. She declined and my world ended. Oh wait, no it didn’t.
Every rejection is a crossroads: We can choose to walk down the path of hurt or the path of appreciation. The path of appreciation means having respect for your own courage and the other person’s honesty. You put yourself out there. If it’s a yes, BOOM! You’re both getting what you want! That’s fantastic! And if it’s a no then you get to respect yourself the other person’s response enough to not let it upset you. That’s also fantastic!
This is by far the hardest of the three rules for me, but actively choosing to not to take rejection personally has made me happier and left me more free to jump back in the saddle quickly. And by saddle I mean bed. Or couch. Or kitchen table.
These three rules are by no means foolproof. They require a level of courage and integrity with my words and actions that is sometimes terrifying. More terrifying though is that not communicating might again lead to something I do not want, or worse, to hurting someone else. Adopting these rules has led to less stress, and I’m all about less stress and more bow-chicha-bow-wow.
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Photo by Erik Lucatero on Unsplash
Yes. This is the way to do it. When you ask people for what you want up front, your friends or dates or intimate partners can decide if they are on board or not early in your time together and not waste each others time. It is totally appropriate to tell someone you only want casual sex if that is what you want. It is much worse, as you found out, Tim, to pretend to be what they want and then have to break their heart down the road after they get too invested in a mismatched relationship. Speaking as… Read more »
What a douche. Lame article.
The way you describe Rejection is excellent. A refreshing perspective.
I have to tell you how much I love this article. As a woman who feels the way you do (don’t want a relationship, now or ever, just want casual sex and good company) I will be taking these rules to heart
It’s awesome that you’ve come to terms with where you are and what you want and communicate it to the women you date. But it seems like you are saying basically saying you want the sex that comes with a relationship but no relationship. You’ve accepted your sexuality but have you considered how women feel just being a warm body with no connection.
Tim, I’m a middle-aged woman in the Bible-Belt, and a passionate feminist. I enjoyed this piece and am frankly a bit surprised by some of the reactions. I’ve never been a casual dater, but I know a lot of women who are, and I think many of them would be thrilled to meet someone like you, who unapologetically knows what he wants and respects his potential partners enough to be open about it. As for the criticism that you aren’t forthcoming earlier, all I can say is that when I’ve been asked out, I’ve never responded with “Yes, but just… Read more »
Kerys, what you said sums up my feelings too. “Yes, but just so you know, I’m really only looking for a soulmate.” – amazing. Being as honest and open as we can be in the first few dates is a courtesy often forgotten and one to remember. Definitely starts with being honest to ourselves.
Great article about your truths Tim that could definitely relate to others in the same situation, male or female.
I really appreciate this article Tim. To be frank, you and I don’t share similar views but I truly applaud any individual who respects themselves and others enough to be open and up front about their agenda in advance of their actions. I also appreciate that you understand that people have different attitudes/values when it comes to sex (or anything else for that matter) and that for some it is a deeply emotional experience rather than a physical one. As a woman and as a human being, I wish everyone could adopt this attitude of openness and respect. Manipulation is… Read more »
Sounds reasonable to me! Thanks for being an honest and logical person. 🙂
Tim, here’s the problem. You’re going out on dates with these women. More than one date. When women “date” — in the accepted definition of the word — they are looking for a relationship. No, it might not be with you, or with the next guy they go out with. But they’re not meeting up with a man who already knows that he’s not relationship material. Dating and sussing up a woman as potential f*ckbuddy material are two different activities, and unfortunately, this is one area of life in which you can’t be that picky. You don’t get to choose… Read more »
Sure there are many women and men who think they like one night stands, or at least they enjoy then for who really wants to be a one night stand? Sex is a powerful force no doubt but do we stop to think why? If it were truly to spread ones seed then birth control and condoms would be deal breakers. It is that drive to connect. When we open ourselves up sexually to someone we let them into our bodies and our souls. That is the problem with all the casual sex these days, You can’t expect to open… Read more »
Wow, lots of women here speaking on behalf of all women. There are plenty of women out there who just want a bit of fun, there’s nothing wrong with that. Pro tip: you’re all different. You don’t get to say ‘women don’t like one night stands’. That’s sanctimonious, moralistic, and a little childish.
How is it childish to speak from a women’s point of view? We are women. We have listen to our girlfriends talk about the men they’ve slept who they have started to have feelings for but isn’t interested in having a relationship. They don’t tell you that after the one , two or three night stand. They tell us that. Yes , there are women who can have sexual relationships and want a relationship and that’s their choice. But what some of us are saying is that the author is only looking at what he is getting but not what… Read more »
Tim ~ I appreciate “your” truth as you currently know it. My “truth” … I raised my son alone for twenty years following Christianity. I’ve just recently starting dating, meet and greets, hanging out – whatever the guy decides to classify it as. Mere words. That’s all they have is words. Each has expected sex on the first through fifth dates. After not having dated for over two decades … it’s disheartening to say the least. I remember being courted, a foundation being built, learning about each other, creating memories together and most of all true lasting enduring friendships. I… Read more »
Yes, Lynn bring it!!! “The Lost Boys” it’s so true. To live in atmosphere where people no longer value love and authentic, heart-centered connection just pulls people away from what makes being a human so precious. Operating on a “I need sex… find female to ejaculate into”…”Me hungry, most eat food now” … “tired. Sleep now”…. so primitive.
It’s like society is de-evolving.
It’s funny feminist objections litter the comments here like men’s do on Jezebel. I have to say women seem to be more civil. Your three lessons are good ones and I can identify. I’ve also read far worse writing than yours. It’s better than most.
i don’t know why everyone’s being so hard on you. i think this article is great. and well written and funny and wise.
I do appreciate the premise of this article, but I feel you’re eliminating one key element here : Sometimes, you just fall in love. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what your intentions or expectations, things just click. If you are so dead set on laying out HOW IT’S GOING TO BE, you’re robbing yourself of all the thrill, all the joy, all the anticipation and delight and excitement of that WOW feeling. Wow. Maybe this could be something special. Wow I just any get enough of this person. Wow where did YOU come from. Wow I didn’t think I wanted this… Read more »
Oh Tim. First of all, calling this collection of typo-ridden words a “piece” is a stretch. Virginia Woolf writes pieces. Beethoven has also penned a few. Your poorly written, self-congratulating, sexist string of sentences is not a piece. Second, you claim you want to “eliminate ambiguity” and then say that you’ll let someone know on the second date–DATE, you say!–that you’re solely seeking causal (I think you mean “casual?” Something tells me you aren’t at a Wallace Stevens level in terms of wordplay) sex. Didn’t Nora ask you why you were dating? And then you sat down and wrote this… Read more »
@Lily Hot damn Lily! That was a well articulated, if not entirely flattering, comment. I am not Wallace Stevens level in terms of wordplay, or Virginia Woolf, and I would be lying if I said I have ever listened to Beethoven with more than a casual interest. I will take some pride in the idea that what I have here might, in some circles at least, be considered a piece. You must admit you’ve seen worse that claimed the title. As for the typos, I think you are referring mostly to my first reply to Mark. Blame it on an… Read more »
Well worded reply, Tim. I admire your level-headedness. Thanks for the article. I appreciated it a lot.
Yikes. This piece reads a little bit too arrogant, a little bit too self-serving, a little bit too “Maxim”-lad-mag-advice to really feel the sincerity or honesty that Tim is trying to convey. I’ve read other articles on GMP that less arrogantly, and more confidently, conveyed how to deal with matters of casual sex. But in all fairness, my overall view of sex is much different from Tim’s. While I would assert that the majority of us all love sex as much as Tim, (I never understand why alot of men especially feel the need to say they “really like sex”… Read more »
@erin Thank you for expressing your opinion so honestly! I won’t defend or apologize for the tone of the piece, though I will agree there are some incredible GMP authors who write awesome articles about casual sex. As for the desire for men to say we “really like sex” I obviously can’t speak for all men. This only represents my own point of view which is that male sexuality is demonized in pop culture in such a way that it can be difficult for us to say those words. The images of the male as a drooling horny cave man… Read more »
Hi Tim – I didn’t share my thoughts because I was looking for an apology. I just think that you have some growing to do. Honestly, we all do. But I just feel your piece lacked some sincerity and it came off arrogant and not really all that positive for attitudes toward women regarding sex. As a woman, I guess I have a different perspective on the demonization of male sexuality in pop culture. I tend to think that pop culture revolves around heterosexual male sexuality and heterosexual male normative fantasy. To the point where one group’s own dominant sexual… Read more »
I absolutely agree that Heterosexual men have the most sexual autonomy and privilege in our culture and in media, along with quite a few other advantages. But I think the examples of male sexuality that you bring up tend to be reduced to stereotypes that don’t accurately reflect reality. You bring up dumpy Hollywood men with attractive female co-stars and the football-cheerleader trope. The reality is those women would be fired from their jobs in a heartbeat if they dared approach a player, or if one attempted to approach them. That is its own can of worms, but I bring… Read more »
@Mark Goblowsky Schwletz First, thank you for your thoughtful and honest reply! I absolutely agree that sex without consequences is a sophomoric idea, and kudos for using one of my favorite SAT prep words. I was using others to feel good. But I was doing it dishonestly and it was making me feel oh so bad. In my experience sex consequences has some pretty drastic consequences, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. We have been exposed to a pop culture that sometimes leads us to believe there is this magic world out there of emotionless sexual interaction. And it’s true on some… Read more »
Tim – I hope you are listening to your fan base. MORE importantly, I hope you are listening to your heart. Sex without consequences is sophomoric in my judgment. There is a reason you felt the way you felt. You were using others to feel good. While sex can be “good for you” and “fun”, consider taking the “high road” and getting your own house in order before you bring your own self-centered agenda into the community. You are far more than your penis. I hope you get that. Don’t wait until it is old and flaccid, to discover your… Read more »
I can understand why the women in the two posts feel that a person should be up front and honest before going on a date. I just think that it takes a lot of courage for someone to ask for that, before at least seeing if there is some interest in the person, hence the first date thing. Any stranger approaching anyone, no matter how good looking they appear, would be scared off by that. But isn’t it just the same as a Woman going out with someone for dinner, fully knowing that the person they are going out with… Read more »
While the author’s honesty to women is commendable, I don’t think he should wait until the second date to reveal his intentions. Most women are not looking for casual sex and it would be less time wasted for everyone involved if he revealed his intention up front. In fact taking a woman out on a date is deceiving itself. If he is just looking for hook-ups, there are plenty of websites just for that, where you don’t have to spend two hours pretending to be interested in who the person is and you can get straight to the “fun bits.”
agreed, I’d be kind of pissed if a guy asked me out and then told me that he’s only interested in getting to know me for sex. If that’s all you want, then don’t raise my expectations by pretending to go on a date. On the other hand, honesty is way better than lying about your intentions. So I appreciate the honesty. But, I think you need to be clear from the very beginning that you are not dating but only looking for a hookup. That way no one will feel that you wasted their time and you will focus… Read more »
“Most women are not looking for casual sex…” Really? Fascinating! Glad we have someone around who can speak no behalf of all women and lay down generic, arbitrary rules for men based on how all the women feel. It would be nice if you only spoke for yourself, acknowledged that it simply is not your cup of tea, but how you would feel after finding out on a second date that intimate adult playtime and no exclusive/committed relationship was the intent. Also, do you go into every date looking for a long term lover with which to raise a family?… Read more »
There’s a giant difference between wanting to settle down and wanting casual sex. Just because you aren’t into casual sex doesn’t mean you show up to every dinner scanning him for husband material. Seems like you have a few pre-judgements of your own to hash out.